(Demented Chapter Number Fourteen)
Dudley was as jealous a bitch as his pre-menstruational nature would allow. Not only was Ellen stealing his spotlight, he also was slowly starving- apparently, Draco was freakin' anorexic. After all, what kind of meal were salads? Dudley had successfully escaped from Chapter Nine without an excessive overload of love...and now he was back to reclaim his fame.
"Just because there's no plot to this endless story doesn't mean I can't live a little, damnit!" he vented at no one in particular. "They'll see...I'll do something great...then they'll be crawling back to me, yes, the fans, they love me..."
"And they'll love me even more when I KILL YOU!" came a voice from behind him. Dudley, having experienced near/pretty-certain death situations before, was not intimidated. He just turned around and asked the man,
"Got milk?" The man just stared.
"Milk? What is that supposed to mean, boy? Was that a stab at some sort of derrogatory nonsense tha- " he stopped mid-sentence as he saw a gleam in the corner of his eye. Backing up cautiously, trying his best to be inconspicious of the fact he was making to grab a razor on the table directly in front of Dudley, he whistled a grand old tune as he lifted the razor in anticipation and shouted,
"Oh, joyous day! I've got you now, boy." Dudley, however, had caught sight of something himself- the television.
"Sirius Black has, um...escaped... from prison! Again! As many of you know. This stark-raving lunatic has threatened to head for Hogwarts. We doubt it's a cover scheme. Meaning, folks...he's...err...really going there. Watch out?" As the uncertain reporter started drooling his own puddle, the very stark-raving lunatic he spoke of held the razor high to Dudley's head. Repeating himself,
"I've really got you now, boy," he frantically began to shave Dudley's head, back and forth, every which way, and when he finished, shaved the eyebrows as well. Dudley just stood there, asking again,
"Got any milk? I'm thirsty!" When the man had finally finished, he pulled a purple Sharpie from his pocket and drew French-looking eyebrows on his face. Feeling accomplished at last, he put on his Robin Hood hat and swept out the window.
"WAAAAAAAIT!" he yelled, and climbed back inside. "Where the hell'd my rope go?"
Good ol' Dudley stood there with the escape rope in his hands, pulling it in and burping loudly. Just then, the madman exclaimed,
"My HORSE! Where art thou?" Looking at Dudley angrily as he spat out horse bones, he saw the boy shrug.
"You..ate. My...horse." Just then, Snape walked in the room.
"Draco! What's been all the noise- OH, DEAR SALAZAR, YOUR HAIR, BOY!" He turned and saw a puzzled, but alive nonetheless-
"Sirius."- on the floor.
"Well, well, well. Seems young Draco here is our hero of the day. Not only the day! Why, hero of our lifetime! Thank snakes for you, son. You've captured the most dangerous criminal in the world. I'm sure your father's very proud of you. I am too, boy. Well done."
Dudley just stood there, licking the bones clean as he asked Snape,
"Got any milk?"