"You draw the short straw this time."
"No sir."
"Can't tell me you won."
"No sir, this was my idea."
"And here I thought you were the smart one."
He sat on the couch in front of the muted flickering TV, totally oblivious to the action on the screen. He picked up the glass of bourbon and held it without drinking. She noticed that it looked hardly touched as if he didn't have the energy to even get drunk.
"I needed to talk to you."
She sat down on the couch facing him but he ignored her and just stared into the glass.
"So talk."
"You're not going to make this easy."
"Not my idea."
"Why did you go?"
"Twenty questions? If so I'm not playing.
Remember Hadanta, Hammond offered himself for our release. I couldn't do less."
"I was afraid…"
He cut her off with a look.
"It's the job; it's what I needed to do."
"No, that's not what I … I was afraid I'd loose you." She was biting the inside of her cheek to keep for letting the tears come. "I'm still afraid I'm loosing you."
She could tell from the look on his face he did know what the hell she was talking about and was not about to ask. She leaned into him touching him gently. The tear escaped, running down her cheek and onto his neck. He oh so tentatively held her shoulder and patted it. He was afraid that if he put an arm around her he would crush her to himself and never let go.
He was thinking of the mission that Janet died; the day he was released from the infirmary and she came to see him, to tell him she was happy he was alive. They held each other, he buried his face in her neck and kissed her and never wanted to let her go. But he had no right to even touch her and let go the instant her grip slackened. What he wanted was to take her home and kiss away each tear and soothe away the pain of loss but instead he went home alone swallowing pills and passing the next few day in a haze of pain and sorrow and longing.
"Thought you'd be happy to get a new base commander – it's going to happen sooner or later. You may as well get use to it – all of it. I suspect you'll be running the show before long, and you'll be the one making the hard choices."
"And I wind up sitting all alone with only a glass of whiskey for company?"
"You never need to be alone."
"I am alone, so alone."
She broke down and he turned to her again not knowing if he should respond. He couldn't bear to hear her cry and gathered her up in his arms as he murmured "Com'ere, com'ere."
"I need you."
"Pete's going to be pissed if he hears that."
"I don't need him. I wanted to fill a gaping hole in my life, square peg trying to fill a gapping round hole."
A smile flickered on O'Neill's lips, she could feel it against her neck. He pulled away to look at her.
"You have a dirty mind, sir."
"Yes, yes Carter I do."
"Why must you be such an idiot?"
"That's idiot, sir."
"God damn it, you know what I'm talking about."
"No, Carter, that's just it, I don't."
Another tear ran down her cheek and she angrily swiped it away.
"Why don't you love me?"
So many things swirled through his mind. ' Was that a question or an invitation – maybe both. God knows he didn't want to send her back to Pete. What he wanted to do was pick her up and carry her off to his bed. Officer and a gentleman – shit, commanding officer and suppose to be a gentleman.'
He winced, stood up and grabbed her hand and walked her to the door. And as he opened it to let her out he said. "That's just it, Sam, I do."