Gil: Really, I had no idea.
Kyo: -snorts- You know they hate your story.
Your back! And of course, I must...punish...you later. -fingers sword- But! First I need to thank my loyal readers.
MatronRaenee : hugz I'm glad you liked it. I KNOW you're scarier than me. You sorta rank up their with Mai-Mai-chan(I stole the nickname from you), ya know?
ObsessedWithTape : I SO HAPPY! I'm glad you think it's funny. Most of the time I think people are just saying they like it...it's giving me headaches. I think I need the Force right now to go terrorize the neighborhood.
Dr. Wilopolis : Alright! I can't wait to see them get dumped into THE VAT OF NO RETURN! I'll bring the snacks! -goes out to buy 15 pounds of junk food-
GemEncrustedEarth : Yes. Me and my friends act like this a lot. It's fun to watch them. You just need to do something random and it starts a chain reaction -pokes-
anomos : I'm glad you like it(sorta). I realize some parts aren't that good, but I love it anyway. And any romance would be little hints. There's actually a fic I'm going to write, a sequel to this, that's going to have a lot of romance. But otherwise, I cannot write romance. And if that bugs you so much, you really don't have to read this, do you?
I humbly ask you all to help me in any way you see possible. Suggestions for future fics, for different chapters, suggest a pairing. So far it's just hints of LuluAuron, YunaSeymour, and SeymourI-chan.
On with the fic!
-------------Several fires and swear words later-
Lynx stared. Maybe if she looked away, then looked back, it would walk away...nope. Still there. "Rikku, I really have to ask. How do you mess up no-bake cookies? I'm quite curious, for this matter has never come up before. My oldest dragon-gerbil, who has arthrites and is missing two and a half fingers, has never messed this up once"
"...I think it looks pretty." It was a pulsating purple and green.
"Just tell me. Please. What did you do after I left for five minutes"
"Uhm, I...improvised." Lynx raised an eyebrow. "Well, we didn't have milk or cream, so I added cheese. They're both dairy products, right"
Lynx turned slightly green, but nodded.
"Well, then I accidently knocked a bottle of clover into the chocolate. So to sweeten it, I put in strawberried and sugar. That seemed to be too sweet, so I added cinnamon, lemon, and something green I found in the back of the fridge"
Lynx paused before she could yell at Rikku for messing something so simple up. And thought. And thought so hard she temporarily went brain dead (what brain?) and stared at the floor before something in her relatively empty head re-started her on the correct train of thought. "We need to go serve this before they get impatient." The doorbell rang. "Perfect."
Seymour was sitting in his chair, for he had claimed it, thinking random sadistic thoughts occasionally interrupted by the image of a bi-colored eye girl and a half-moogle. 'Decisions, decisions. Blow up an important building; destroy all the houses on the block. Kill the people who are helping us; lock them up in an asylum while I take over the world. Where to start...' He glared at nothing when the doorbell rang. He was about to throw the door open and murder whoever it was, when he remembered a conversation he had with Ari.
He picked up a huge butcher knife and opened the door. "Yes"
"Hello. You're the one that is friends with my insane little friends, are you not"
"Friends is not the word"
"Of course it is. Of course it is." Lynx walked up with wide eyes and stared at Cat. Then she poked her.
"Your the acolyte?" Cat smacked her with a book.
"No, I'm really Santa Claus, and I'm here to congratulate you on making the naughty list for twelve, almost thirteen, years in a row"
"Isn't the naughty list too pure for me"
"Lynx, you absolute moron"
"Isn't she, though?" Seymour agreed
"I am here on official accolyte buisness. So let us go, far into the reaches of the unknown, where we might find steel eating termites and the Jersey Devil! So says the Spirit of the Mystical Garbage Dumpster. See, it's on this card." She pulled out a tiny little card, and held a magnifying glass in front of it.
"'Want to go to an exotic place? Somewhere you've never been before? Well, too bad, suckahs! Wait, wait, keep reading! It was a bad joke! I can send you into any dimension you want. Well, actually, only relatively close. You might accidently land in hell or between dimensions...Seriously. I'm not joking.'" Seymour raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that bad for buisness"
"It was made special for this occasion. Feel honored because that ass had me up all night designing 'the perfect card'. Just gather everyone up somewhere and I'll do what I'm paid to do. Well, actually, I'm not even getting paid!" She snorted. "How messed up is that!" Lynx nodded sympathetically before ignoring her ranting. She ran upstairs and past everyone's rooms. "To the living room! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY PENGUINS! Ready the cannons! Prepare the acid traps! Get Rikku's cooking! MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES!" Lulu stared out her door as Lynx ran into the door next to the gameroom. "Who put this here?" She gasped. "THE PENGUINS HAVE INFILTRATED OUR BASE! Kimahri, get your furry butt out of there, drag whoever's with you downstairs, and prepare FOR WAR!" She left shrieking about penguins and dragon-gerbils. Tidus stared down the hall.
"What's with her?" Lulu shook her head.
"I only live here. I try not to understand their insanity and random comments"
"But you do anyway." Auron snorted. "And it's damn scary being able to understand them"
"I'll drink to that." Tidus paled, and Wakka and Ari ran out of the gameroom with chains in their hands. "Fine, I won't. Just have to ruin my fun..."
Downstairs, after Lynx ran through all the rooms screaming, she raced into the living room, took a flying leap under the couch, and scrambled halfway under it. Seymour raised an eyebrow, I-chan sighed, and Cat shook her head, before they continued debating the correct way to take over countries. "Shhhh, the penguins are toasting"
"What is she doing now?" Auron asked as their group walked in. He absently kicked her leg as he passed, making her yelp, and sat on the couch. She paid him back, by accident, when she stood up while still halfway under the couch, effectively flipping it over.
"Mozarella stuffing!" she said triumphantly, holding up a turkey. Why it was under there, let's pray we never find out. "Hey, laying under the couch like that looks really uncomfortable." Auron grumbled obscenities under his breath and flipped her off. She ignored him and set the plate of cookies she and Rikku made earlier on the table softly, like it was the most precious and delicate thing in the world. She snapped her fingers, and Rikku automatically recited the lines Lynx made her memorize.
"I hereby call this session into order. The Lady Yuna's guardians and the aforementioned summoner herself, including Maester Seymour, against the Spirit of the Dumpster's acolyte. Acting as judge, this wonderful plate of cookies. Sit down, bitches!" Lynx nodded in approval.
"Nice touch at the end"
"You think so? I like it myself." Everyone stared at the two girls. Rikku...just used big words! And pronounced them perfectly, too. The mind reels.
"Uh, yeah, whatever." Cat cleared her throat. "The point is your little pets over there can't go back to Spira. Spira is clear across the other side of the dimensional field. The dimensions that are closest to each other are the ones that resemble each other, and since Spira is almost the complete opposite of Earth 6, our present location, it's far away. Too far for the dumpster's reach. And even if that was not the case, this was meant to happen. The Spirit checked the timeline. I shall leave now before I am killed. See you when school starts." She ran off, leaving a trail of dust and a stupified group of people.
"Oh man," Cat muttered as she continued running down the street. "Why did I let them talk me into doing this." She was suddenly so glad she was on the track team. If all else falls into chaos, she could out-run them. Unless, of course, they were either really mad or tapped into their demonic powers. Then she would be in trouble. As she started slowing down on the fourth block, a loud "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!" pierced the air, startling birds from their trees. "A nice break-neck sprint would be relaxing. How about all the way to New Mexico?"
"Woohoo, we're staying!" Rikku cheered, doing a little victory dance.
"We can be like one big family!" Ari tried tackling Wakka, but landed on Tidus instead. "You're not Wakka"
"No shit, Sherlock"
Lynx got a creepy grin on her face. Ari's statement gave her a really great idea! "We're all one big messed-up, deranged, twisted family! I-chan's official name is Matron, due to her tendency to mother everyone!" She paused, remembering Matron's treatment of Tidus and Wakka. "Well, almost everyone"
"What maked you think we'll agree to call her that?" Lynx's eyes turned red, and she pulled Auron down to her tiny little eye level. He was almost bent to a ninety degree angle.
"You will call her Matron," she held out one hand and summoned fire into her palm, "or we will discover how flammable alcohol is." She let go and jumped on Rikku's back, remembering to dismiss the flames in her hand first. "You can be a big sister! So can Ari! Tidus and Wakka are the retarded older brothers who aren't getting any and have no clue how to talk to girls!" Wakka blinked.
"I'm not so sure I like this, ya?" Ari smirked.
"Just let your younger sister disperse your doubts." Wakka paled considerably and whimpered. Tis a sad, sad day when a thirteen year old girl brings the captain of the Besaid Aurochs, no matter how much they sucked, and guardian to a summoner down to such a level.
"Quiet, I'm still assigning roles!" Lynx turned to Auron and Lulu. "You are more or less the minors, or our, legal guardians. You will pay the taxes and bills for the house you will eventually buy with the money you will eventually earn from the job I will eventually force you to get. Kimahri, you are the uncle that stays around the house all day playing video games, unless you are cleaning when a female asks you to"
"Lynx," Matron said. "You should not assign roles. Ever"
"Why not? I'm great at it!" Kimahri snorted.
"Trust me, Lynxie, you just shouldn't." Lynx pouted.
"Fine. Ruin my fun. But don't think you can weasel out of your role"
"Whatever you say, dear. We need to think about more permanent living arrangements for our guests." She walked away, on her noble search of a newspaper, where she would face one of her toughest tasks ever: finding a house and dealing with the realtor. Auron, Lulu, Yuna, and Kimahri followed to make sure she wouldn't pick out some huge haunted manor fifty miles out of town. Ari, Tidus, and Wakka left to play video games. Seymour knew he should leave, or at least not bring this subject up, but it kept nagging at him.
"You're not going to give me a role, are you?" She smiled at him.
"No." She laughed when she saw his expression. "Family members don't date each other. They can, but it's just wrong. You are a close family friend. You're almost like family. The family will give you full permission to date one of our ranks." She skipped off.
"Who is she talking about?" He sat down and absently ate a cookie. He gagged and froze, dropping the poisonous thing in his hand. He ran away to scrub his tongue with a toilet brush.
Lynx skipped back into the room. "Hey, someone at a cookie!" She looked around. "I wanted to see their reaction!" She ran off to find a video camera. This was gonna be good.