Disclaimer: The Isaac Asimov Estate owns the First Foundation, the Second Foundation, Gaia, and the Table. I own just over half of the Speakers at the Table.
A/N: Well, here it finally is—my first real Foundation story. Parodying the books is all well and good, but stories are better. If the summary frightened you slightly, good. You probably should be frightened. This story will definitely require a sense of humor, but I expect most of you will have no trouble with that. The title should give you a clue to the plot of the story if you're familiar with Shakespeare's play of the same name. If you're not, just wait and see. You should figure it out pretty quickly as the story develops. No, this is not even an attempt at Asimov's writing style, and yes, it is rather irreverent, but I couldn't pass up the idea!
Much Ado About Nothing
First Speaker Quindor Shandess called the Table meeting to order with the usual difficulty and looked around at the nine faces staring back at him—there should have been ten, even with Stor Gendibal still out on his mission. This thought gave him a little thrill of pleasure, as he knew exactly who was missing and why.
"Speakers," he announced in his best pompous voice, "I have good news and bad news." The others glanced at each other only fleetingly, but the mental flutter that accompanied his statement showed only too well that their curiosity had been aroused.
"Let's hear the bad news first, then," commented Trega Miran, obviously feeling that this unusual beginning warranted an unusually forward response. Some of the other Speakers looked somewhat shocked by her frankness, but most of them nodded in agreement.
Smiling beatifically at them all, Shandess continued, "Very well. The bad news is that our esteemed colleague Speaker Gendibal is expected back at Trantor in less than a week." Loud groans, both verbal and mental, abounded at this piece of news, but he pressed on. "The good news is that our esteemed colleague Speaker Delarmi has contracted a bad cold and will stay in bed for the rest of the week."
At this point, the Speakers lost all self-control and began jumping up and down, whooping and cheering happily. Shandess would have liked very much to join them in celebrating, but refrained for the sake of getting the meeting more or less on track. It was a dirty job, but obviously someone had to do it.
"Excuse me," he said calmly, holding up a hand in a gesture intended to quiet the others. It didn't work. "Excuse me!" he repeated, feeling his patience beginning to thin. The noise showed no signs of abating. Sighing in resignation, the First Speaker pulled out the gavel he had hoped he would never have to use during a meeting and banged it smartly on the table.
This had the desired effect, as everyone stopped babbling quite suddenly and stared at him with mixed surprise and reproach. "I realize this calls for a celebration," he said apologetically, "but not yet. First we must plan." The others exchanged skeptical looks that they probably thought they were hiding very well. This was obviously one of those days where everyone thought he was a senile old bat, but he wasn't about to let that spoil his master plan.
"I believe," Shandess began mildly, "that we all agree that both Speakers Delarmi and Gendibal have put us through a horrendous amount of misery." [As well as providing entertainment during otherwise dull meetings,] he added to himself, careful to shield the thought from the other Speakers. "Am I right?"
He was answered unanimously by nods and other indications of agreement. "I, for one, believe that we ought to...er...reward our colleagues for their hard work and dedication, don't you?" Catching the tone of his voice, everyone was quick to agree that Gendibal and Delarmi indeed deserved "rewards" for what they had done for the Table. The First Speaker smiled wolfishly.
"In that case, I have an idea. Just an idea, you understand, but I think we could work out something very rewarding indeed." Slowly and savoring every word, Shandess began to tell them his idea. As he had hoped, it was met with, if possible, even more joy than the announcement about Delarmi's cold.
"This has to be the best thing the Table has ever done!" enthused Irnet Possad, grinning like a fool. The First Speaker tried not to show how pleased he was at the success of his proposition, but he was sure they all knew anyway—and shared the feeling. After all, who could resist an opportunity to get back at everyone's favorite Speakers, Gendibal and Delarmi?
"All right then," he said, standing up happily. "It's time to put it to a vote." Now he had to go through the time-honored formalities, though they were hardly necessary in this situation. "Is there any Speaker who will support the proposition I have set forth?"
Instantly, the room was filled with both mentalic and physical noise as all nine struggled to make themselves heard over each other. At last Shandess raised a hand again to stem the flow of words and proclaimed, "Then, speaking for and with the consent of the Table, I hereby put into action Operation Secret Admirer!"
The applause was deafening. All the Speakers rose to their feet as one, giving Shandess the first standing ovation of his career—clapping was not usually part of Table meetings. Since everyone seemed so pleased, the First Speaker decided to dismiss them without further ado. It was, quite possibly, the most productive meeting in the history of the Second Foundation.
Later that night in his apartment, Shandess sat dreaming of the future. He rubbed his hands gleefully as he thought of the misfortune that would befall Delarmi and Gendibal in about a week's time. If they weren't so insufferable, he might feel sorry for them...
A/N: I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I'm sorry, but please at least pay me the courtesy of not flaming. This is my first true story for the category and, as far as I know, the first actual humor story (not counting musicals, etc.). There's no need to tell me the Speakers are out of character, I know that very well indeed, but that won't stop me. Never fear...Hopefully I'll be able to update reasonably soon, but I'm working on many other stories, as well as summer reading, just plain having fun, etc. I look forward to posting two other stories sometime: a crossover with the Norby books (if you haven't read them you should, they're funny) and a crossover with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I won't abandon this one, though. Oh no...never. Coming Soon: Chapter Two.