Seinfeld Script 4-The Play
Setting-Monks
Elaine
What are you doing?
Jerry
Tying my shoes.
Elaine
Why?we aren't leaving anytime soon.
Jerry
Well I am tying them now so I don't forget later.
Elaine
Ok
So what are you ordering?
Jerry
A tuna sandwich
Elaine
You could make a tuna sandwich at home,don't waste your money.
Jerry
Well I am already here so I will order what I want.
(Kramer walks in)
Kramer
Me and Mickey are writing a play.
Elaine
You gave up on the acting?
Kramer
No we are still going to act.
Jerry
You've got a plot?
Kramer
Well, so far, it's about a man disguised as a woman so he can baby-sit his kids.
Jerry
I think that's been done.
Elaine
Ya, Mrs.Doubtfire
Kramer
Never heard of it.
Jerry
It's a movie,and we saw it together.It's with Robin Williams and Sally Field
Kramer
Oh who cares,no one will notice
Elaine
What's your play called?
Kramer
Mrs.Firedoubt.
Scene ends
Setting-Jerry's apartment
George
Mrs.Firedoubt?
Jerry
Yes..he's copied Mrs.Doubtfire and he knows it..but he won't admit it.
George
Well it's not like the play will go anywhere, he always says he is going to do something and never comes through.
Jerry
Like you?
George
That's not like me!
Jerry
Isn't it?
George
I have a successful career
Jerry
I know I know, I just wanted to see the rage in your face(laughing)
(George rolls his eyes)
(Kramer slides in)
Kramer
What's happening?
Jerry
You are!What the hell are you wearing?
Kramer
I am playing Mrs.Firedoubt!
George
You already wrote the script?
Kramer
That was a piece of pie
Jerry
Ya because you plagerized it.
Kramer
From what?
George
Mrs.Doubtfire! Even your title is almost the same! You just flipped the words!
Kramer
You're just …jealous!
Scene Ends
Setting-Yankees main office
Peter
Hey George, did you hear, they hired a woman for your old position.
George
They did?
Peter
Ya, her name is Lisa
George
Oh, that's nice
Peter
They are having a party for her tomorrow, since she is new.
George
Hey they never threw a party for me!
Peter
I know, it's a new thing. Party's tomorrow at 7,it's on 69th and finch street. See ya then!
Scene Ends
Setting-Monks
George
Why would they throw someone a party for being hired? Promotion I understand, leaving I understand, but for being hired? That's just stupid!
Elaine
I know, it's kinda pointless.
George
You see where I'm coming from?
Elaine
Ya I do.
George
So whats new with you?
Elaine
Nothing. My life has been so dull these past few days, nothings happening.
George
Oh, well you want to come to the party with me, I don't want to be the only one showing up without a date.
Elaine
Sure
Scene ends
Setting-Party
George
No one has a date?
Elaine
Ha, now you're the only one with a date.(laughing)
How about you get me a drink?
George
Later, something's going on there, they are all crowding the new girl.
(george and Elaine walk up to the crowd to find Peter and Lisa arm wrestling)
Peter
I win!
Lisa
Damn you're strong.
Steinbrener
Lisa Why don't you try George,he should be easy to beat!
George
Hey!
Lisa
He looks rather muscular though.
Elaine
No,I think that's fat.(laughing)
George
Ok Leslie your on.
Lisa
The name is Lisa.
George
Ok then Lisa.
(George and Lisa arm wrestle,George is winning and then Lisa fights back and beats George)
George
Holy shit
Elaine
You lost to a woman!
Lisa
I win again.
George
I demand a re-match,I wasn't ready for that kind of strength,I thought you were weak!
Lisa
Fine,tomorrow at lunch.
George
You're on sister!
Scene Ends
Setting-Mrs.Firedoubt-dress rehearsal
Mickey(playing chris)
Mrs.Firedoubt is half man half woman
Wendy(playing Lydia)
I knew that.she's no manly
(Jerry walks in)
Kramer(playing mrs.firedoubt)
I am not a he-she,I'm your father.(takes off mask)
Jerry
Wow you are rehearsing at City Hall?
Kramer
Ya we've got some famous people coming to this play.
Jerry
They are all going to know you copied Mrs.Doubtfire.
Kramer
We changed the script
Jerry
But you stole the concept and reversed the name you have to get rights to do that.
Kramer
Nah,you don't,I know someone who knows Robin Williams,he's a nice guy,he won't care
Jerry
Whatever you say,but I warned you.
Scene Ends
Setting-New York Health Centre
George
Thanks for telling me about this place Elaine,it's great!(George is lifting weights)
Elaine
I work out here all the time,it's no biggie.
George
I can't make a fool of myself again.
Elaine
I don't see the big deal.
George
I was the only guy who lost to her last night,I don't want to seem weak.
Elaine
I think you are.
George
Hey if I were weak I wouldn't be able to lift weights.
Elaine
We've been here for 15 minutes and you've only lifted that thing 10 times.
George
Well why don't you try,this thing is heavy you know!
Elaine
Fine I will,get up!
(George gets up)
George
Ok lets see you do it,I'll give you fifteen minutes on their while I go on the tread mill.
Elaine
Alright,I can do better then 10 in fifteen minutes.
(15 minutes later)
Elaine
47(lift)48..i think it's been 15 minutes.
George
I can't believe this!
Elaine
You have been gaining a lot of weight lately
George
Well I like to enjoy myself when I eat.
Elaine
Maybe you should go on a diet,whether you lose today or not.
George
And exercise every day.
Elaine
No I think you shouldn't get too ahead of yourself.
Scene Ends
Setting-Jerry's Apartment
Jerry
I just got a call from NBC,they want me to go on the late show with David Letterman.
George
When you leaving?
Jerry
Tomorrow,I already ordered the tickets.You want to come?
George
Nah,I am trying to lose weight.Going to Hollywood will tempt me to eat.
Jerry
NBC studios isn't in Hollywood.Plus since when do you care about your weight.
George
Well,uh, a weak woman beat me in uh.. arm wrestling.
Jerry
Ha.your kidding?
George
What kind of a joke in hell is that?
Jerry
A believeable one.
George
Hey!
Jerry
I am just stating the facts.
George
No your not,I am!
Scene Ends
Setting-backstage at NBC studios
Robin Williams
Hey are you Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry
Oh My God!you, your Robin Williams! How do you know me?
Robin
Well the other guy in the show tonight is Jerry Seinfeld.I guess that's you!
Jerry
Wow,Robin Williams,I love your work.
Robin
Hankyou,I am sure you are great to.
Jerry
Thankyou,but you're a legend,not only as a comic but as an actor.
Robin
Thanks.So..you want to get together sometime,we can discuss comedic work.
Jerry
Sounds great.I know a great place, it's called Monks.Do you know it?
Robin
Ya I have been there before..see ya there tomorrow at 12 pm?
Jerry
Great!
Scene Ends
Setting-Jerry's Apartment
George
You met Robin Williams?
Jerry
Yup and I am meeting him at 12 for lunch.Want to come?
George
And meet the Robin Williams!Sure!
Jerry
Well it's quarter to so lets go now.
George
Right behind you!
Scene Ends
Setting Monks
(Jerry and George walk in to find Kramer and Robin talking)
George
Oh my God its Robin Williams!
Robin
At your service..hey Jerry,I was just talking to your friend Kramer about this play he's writing.Who's this fellow with you?
Jerry
This is George,he's a good friend of mine,when he heard I was meeting you he wanted to come along.
George(sitting down)
Wow, I can't believe I am meeting Robin Williams!
Robin
Ya,anyways Kramer was just getting to the plot.
(Jerry sits down)
Jerry
No don't tell him the plot Kramer!
Kramer
Why not?
Jerry
You know why
Robin
Why?
Jerry
Well,you see..
Kramer
Oh nevermind him..he just doesn't want me to spoil it for you..would you like to see it?
Robin
Sure
George
It's already premiering?
Kramer
Yup next Saturday.Will you still be in town then?
Robin
Yes I will,I guess I'll see you then,I'll contact you for all the ticket details.
Kramer
Great!Well..i got another dress rehearsal see you later!
Exit Kramer
Jerry
Are you sure you want to see that play?
Robin
Ya why not?
Jerry
You'll see.
George
So..you haven't been really funny since we've met.
Robin
Ya I know,the thing is I'm going to be in this dramatic role..so I'm trying not to be funny.
Jerry
Is it hard?
Robin
Kind of..but it's something you got to work at..
Waitress
Can I take your order?
Robin
I'll have a coffee.
Jerry
Me too.
George
Nothing for me,I'm trying to lose weight.
Waitress
Are you robin Williams?
Robin
Yes
Waitress
Wow..Everyone it's Robin Williams!
Scene Ends
Setting-New York Health Club
Elaine
Getting a good work out there George?
George
Good?Is this good?I'm all sweaty and achy!
Elaine
Well that is what comes in a good work out..when was the last time you had a good work out?
George
Last time I actually worked out was my late 20s.
Elaine
You haven't worked out for over 10 years?
George
Nope
Elaine
Well get back on the tread mill if you want to lose some weight!
George
I want to lose weight,not get into the shape!
Elaine
Getting into shape will make you stronger!
George
Really?
Elaine
Someone's clueless
George
Excuse me?
Elaine
Kramer's play starts in 2 hours,I got to go get ready, you coming?
George
Yup..Robin Williams is going to be there you know
Elaine
He is!
George
Yes and the play is a----
Elaine
Copy of Mrs.Doubtfire,I know,I know
George
This is going to be a disaster
Elaine
Tell me about it.
Scene Ends
Setting-A theatre in New York
Robin
I can't wait!
Jerry
Yes you can.
Enter Elaine and George
Elaine
Robin Williams!It's really you!I'm Elaine Benes!
(Robin and Elaine shake hands)
Robin
Nice to meet you Elaine
George
Shh..it's starting
Kramer:Welcome Everyone I hope you enjoy our play Mrs.Firedoubt!
Robin
Mrs.Firedoubt?
Jerry Oh boy
(10 min in to the play)
Robin
This is a copy of my movie! Mrs.Doubtfire!
To be Continued