I need to be more…

Disclaimer before I forget: don't own the characters. Only reason I'm here is cause I felt… writey and my sister and her friend are giggling their heads off next door. Damn 11 year olds and their sleepovers.

I am totally in this situation right now. That is all I have to say on the matter. Begin!

Note to self: Be braver.

Walking straight past the doors to my usual hide-out, (the massive gates to the Second District) I'm deciding right there. 'I'm gonna do something about this. It's all gone on too long.'

Has it? How long exactly have I liked him for? Long enough to feel like I'm going to burst if the 'fun-ness' of the chase drags on for two seconds more. Two milliseconds. Two nanoseconds.

Note to self: Don't be so annoying… so… so… Yuffie.

Up the steps, past the entrance to the little-white-things-with-red-baubles-on-their-heads' Synthesis shop thing - whatever it is, I'm thinking 'But, if this does all work out and you started it off with being all… sophisticated and funny and whatnot, then he'll expect you to be all… sophisticated and funny and whatnot for the duration of the relationship.' So I should be myself and if he doesn't like it then… well, I guess I'll just have to live with it. His loss. Or mine. Gawd I want him so much.

Note to self: Don't be so melodramatic.

That's such a cool word. Sharp right, then straight through the elephant-heavy, dark wood doors. What is it, like, mahogany or something? 'Stop being so distracted, Yuf. You need to get to him and fast, before the 'seize the moment' feeling wears off and you're all pathetic again.' Sighing as I almost run towards Cid's little house, the place I know Riku will be. Or hope he'll be.

Note to self: Be more positive.

There's no way he's gonna like you if you're all down and 'Gawd, the world hates me…' but everyone's like that, right? Human condition and all. But Aerith and Kairi are always confident they're gonna get what they want. They're just too darn perfect.

Note to self: Stop with the paranoia. Confidence is the way forward!

That's the reason why they always get the guy in the end, right? They're so confident… they just exude it. They're what you would call brave. So whilst Aerith stands on the backline shouting spells to heal during battle and Kairi is usually the one being fought over, I'm on the front line, battling out in a flurry of swipes, or… err… whatever it's romanticized as, maybe I'm brave for that. But they're brave for the fact that they know that the only way to be loved is to open your heart to everything. Including hurt. Ack, and fear seems to come as a bonus with this specific package. Didn't order that!

Note to self: Sod the freaking notes' to self!

Ah… the door, should I knock? He doesn't even know I know he'll be here.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The sound feels like it's being echoed, amplified in my mind a gazillion times until my head will explode. Head and the rest of me going to explode in one day. Record. Oh crap, he's at the door and I don't know what to say. How long have I been standing here thinking about the sound my fist makes when it hits the door? Oh crap, more time to make me look like an idiot.

"You OK?" He looks slightly concerned but I'm not sure whether that's just me being hopeful. Probably is… like all the times I could have sworn that he's flirting with me, and then I'm thinking, 'Yuffie you stupid girl, you're just thinking that so you feel better about it'. Oh crap. More time wasted.

"Yeah, listen, Riku…" It hurts to say his name to his face. I've said it so many times when talking to my friends saying it to his face makes me feel like I've just spilled everything I feel already. And I haven't even started yet. How can I be confident to the state of cocky in everything else but this? It's not faiiiir… he's looking at me impatiently. How long have I been standing here? What a stupid question, Yuf, just get on with it. I'm obviously very pale, and I'm shaking, because I'm hearing him asking me if I want to come in, a confused look on his face. Yes. I'm answering yes. Eek… walking is extremely hard right now.

Note to self: Don't fall over. Please don't fall over.

"What's all this about? You seem very… distracted. How did you know I'd be here anyway?" Should I tell him the truth? I begged it out of Kairi, that I've mostly followed him home every day just to be sure, willing myself to walk up and ask if I could walk with him. But I never did. 'Cause I'm not brave enough. Be more brave. I need to be more brave. Just make general conversation. Build up to it. Yeah. Build up to it.

"Just got bored, that's all. Gawd, don't look so worried, I just thought I left the cooker on for a moment there." Ok, so explanation out of the way, perhaps not sufficient because he doesn't look convinced but I'm moving on now. "Whatcha been up to today?"

Note to self: Keep kidding yourself that he doesn't know. Keep kidding yourself that you're confident. That's how you do it.

He's finishing his sentence, it was something boring anyway. Trying to look like I'm listening, I nod and glance momentarily around the small house, it's changed a whole lot since Cid sold it to Riku. I'm looking for something to talk about. So I voice that. This is boring, not the excitement I wanted to find in my visit. He's mid sentence, but somehow I feel comfortable enough to just say it now. So I do.

Note to self: Eeeeek!

He's looking at me. Weirdly. Oh dear. He stands up, asking if I want a drink. What did I do wrong? I follow him into the kitchen area built on to the back of the hut. I bet I look like a lost puppy, I bet he's thinking that now. He's pouring the coffee out with a shaky hand. I can't see his face. I thought that he hated coffee, I can remember him voicing his disgust at the sheer amount of the crap that I drink. I can remember being outraged to the point of 'not being his friend' for a whole five minutes. Finally he had said sorry in that pathetic voice until I'd given in and said 'But only 'cause I'm such a nice person' to which he rolled his eyes.

"Riku?" You know, he's never said my name before. I don't even know if he knows it. Nah, he must. No one can not know my name. Yet I feel like I would die if he just said it the once. He turns to me, a look that says 'I'm not sure whether to smile and pretend you just asked me a question about the weather or something, or be all serious about this' I can't stand looking at him anymore. My fingernails need cleaning. I know, I'll pick at them, that'll distract me. I'm shaking so much.

"I like you, but… just as a friend." Fatal words.

"OK then. Well, I guess I'll be going now." Did I just say that? Way to go Yuf, now run! NO, don't really. Ok, just walk fast. Show yourself out, good good, wave and smile like you usually would, no, don't speak or you'll let it out. The crying, choking feeling. Just go Yuf.

Should I cry? Should I run away and not look back? That sounds the more favourable of the two. I hope he can't see me. I know I shouldn't care but my pride has suffered a serious blow. Proud Yuffie, pride is often a bad thing. Oh shut up.

I'm in my room. Should I like, fling myself down on the bed and sob into my pillow like they do in the movies?

Nah. I can't be arsed with all that destructive stuff.

Yeah, fine, so he likes me as a friend. But I can make it more. Over time, he'll see, he will want me.

Hope you liked, I've actually had this written up on here for about a week now, I'm not sure why I didn't post it. Too much schoolwork and it smells.

Thanks for reading,

Bracken xxx