Chapter Thirteen

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Shane watched the others leave his room and waited for the door to close before letting out his breath in a deep sigh. He put his head in his hand and slammed his fist on the table. "Shit," he whispered. Everything was so fucked up. He hated what was happening to him, and everyone. But there was nothing he could do. It was just . . . bad luck or something.

He lifted his head and took a breath. This was a lot harder than he thought it would be, everything. Teaching was difficult enough, but without his friends and with the troubles going on, it felt nearly impossible. He didn't even feel like himself anymore, it was like he'd completely changed. Nothing mattered like it used to. He just wished things could go back to the way they were before. Before everything.

His thoughts went to Dustin and he shook his head quietly. He didn't know what to do about him, why couldn't Dustin just leave him alone? He just kept trying and trying to make things better, he wanted to talk, he wanted Shane to understand and accept everything he was. But it wasn't going to happen.

He gathered all the papers together off the table and stood, going to his desk and tossing them in a drawer. He either needed to be left alone outside of classes, or he couldn't keep it up. He didn't mind the association in class, they were working together and needed to put things aside for that purpose, but other than that . . . Shane thought back to what he had told Dustin when he first found out. I'll work with you, Dustin, that's my job now. But other than that I don't even want to be around you. Apparently Dustin hadn't gotten the message.

Tori seemed to be doing her best to straddle the fence on the issue, even now, but he doubted that would last long. Eventually she'd turn out like him, though maybe not so much. She'd find out she couldn't take it, it was just a matter of time. Everyone saw the way she looked at Dustin, how everything she did was forced and unnatural. It was better to not even pretend. And it sure helped your reputation.

Shane sat down and folded his hands, frowning to himself as he thought about everything that had changed. There was a time when his reputation didn't mean so much, not if it stood between him and his friends. What was so different about this? He would gladly ruin his image if it was anything else, he wouldn't care what people thought about him. But this was different. Why?

Because two of my best friends are gay and in love with each other, he thought bitterly. Good enough reason. He had a right to be pissed and a right to end it all. There was nothing anyone could do or say, that was that. They'd just have to get used to it.

But he knew Dustin wouldn't. He wouldn't give up, he'd keep trying to talk and make things better, like he always had with everything before. Dustin had faith that things would get better, a child-like trust that everything would work out. And it would take a lot more to convince him otherwise.

Shane wondered for a brief moment if it would be better to just go with it all and see where it ended. What harm could it possibly do? No one else even had to know, and why should he care what they thought? He hardly knew most of the people there, and they would get over it anyway. It would be good to have his friends again, to get everything back to normal.

No. He stopped himself. Nothing would ever get back to normal. Everything would have still happened, Dustin would still be with Hunter, and he would still hate it no matter how much he tried or pretended not to. No, it would never work. It wasn't worth it. And it wasn't like he could ever look at them the same anyway.

He had to stop trying to deal with it, imagining that things would change someday. They wouldn't. He had to accept that as much as anyone else did. He kept thinking he had, but then he found himself thinking about other things . . . things he didn't want to. Things he'd never admit to anyone—and didn't even want to admit to himself.

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Marah sat under a tree reading quietly when a shadow fell across her and a voice asked, "Whatcha reading?"

She looked up to see Dustin standing before her, a grin on her face. He was wearing civilian clothes for the first time in the two weeks she'd been at the Academy, jeans and a plain yellow t-shirt. She found herself staring at him and shook her head slightly. "Oh, it's nothing." She held up her book. "Ninja handbook."

He made a face and she laughed. "Can I sit down?" Dustin asked.

"Sure," Marah said, putting down her book. She watched him as he sat down, crossing his legs. "So, what's up?"

"Not much," Dustin said. "How're you doing?"

"Good," she replied. "It's . . . different than I thought it would be, but I'm doing all right."

He nodded, that smile still on his face. "And Kapri?"

"She's fine," she said. "So far she's sticking with it." She paused. "How are you and Hunter?"

"Good," he said hesitantly. "Haven't had much time to talk, but there's a lot going on."

"I'm sure he'll find time to call soon," she said.

"I'm not worried," he replied with a shrug. He looked at her after a moment, a question in his eyes. "Marah, have you heard anything about me around here?"

She paused, hoping her expression didn't give her answer away. "What do you mean?" she asked slowly.

Dustin looked away. "It's just that . . . I heard some shit going around and I was wondering if it'd spread to the students yet."

She was silent, unsure of what to say. But she couldn't lie to him, as much as she wanted to. "There is—I mean, I did hear some guys talking." Oh God, she hated that hurt in his eyes.

He stared off somewhere, probably wondering if he should ask. And he did. "What did they say?"

Marah sighed. "Dustin, it doesn't matter. Just ignore them." She watched him for a moment. "You know what it was about."

Dustin nodded. "Yeah." He smirked. "You know, I didn't think being a teacher would feel so much like being a student did."

"I can't believe how everyone's acting," she said. "It's horrible."

He looked at her. "You know, no offense, but I'd think you'd be used to it. I mean, living where you did all your life, and with the people you did . . ."

"I know," she said. "But it's different. I'm used to people being terrible but I'm not used to it with you guys. Nothing surprises me when it's me or Kapri or anyone like us, but I always thought you all were so different. I didn't even know you could do this to each other."

"Neither did I." He sighed, leaning back against the tree. "I don't mean to bring you down or anything, you know."

"I know," she said. "It's fine. I'm glad you're talking to me about it. You know I've really been kinda worried about you."

Dustin looked at her, blinking in surprise. "Really?" He laughed a little. "You don't have to be, I'm okay."

She smiled. "Yeah, well, I'm still glad you talk to me, I like it." She put a hand on his arm, squeezing it. "You wanna go for lunch or something?"

His face brightened. "That'd be great." He stood, holding out a hand for her. "Where to?"

Marah shrugged. "You know all the places." She took his hand, standing up, and reluctantly let go.

They started walking and Dustin looked up in thought. "Let's just go to McDonalds, huh? Food's really great."

"Sure," she said. "Never been there, but I'll take your word for it."

He smiled. "It's in our price range, too." He paused. "My price range. I'm buying."

She shook her head. "You don't have to, I have some money."

Dustin shrugged. "It's no problem."

Marah watched him as they started walking. He deserved to be so much happier than he was. She wished she could do something for him, but she knew there wasn't anything more to do. She could be a friend, and she was trying, she wanted to be there for him, but she couldn't be what she wanted to be. She had that chance once. It was gone.

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