Title: Another Lie About Love
Author: Ezra and Betrayer of Hope (now Chalcedon)
Rating: PGish
Warning: There are no happy endings
Summary: In which Merry finds out. It's not pretty. Sequel to "Something is Not Right" by Ezra Kinslayer.
Author's notes: I guess some of you might be wondering what happened to "Metamorphosis"... I honestly have no idea. I mean... that story was supposed to have been over and done with. There was an outline and everything! Lol. I hate to abandon a story so I'll try working on it. Just don't expect any great leaps and bounds with the LotR fiction. As for this thing... Ezra started it, but didn't feel equal to the task of finishing it. So I'll try to finish "Meta" and our other joint projects without her AND take over her unfinished LotR stuff. For everyone who's still waiting for us to continue... thank you for your patience. bows
As for this story... this is going to be rough. In more ways than one. You're probably going to hate me for this, but I assure you that Ezra planned the ending this way. I let her know where I was taking it after her work stopped and she wholeheartedly approves. She thought it fit, and she didn't want a happy end anyway... so please don't hurt me?
If the words are stuck together likethis, then FF net did it! Also, I can't get my spacing to work. Stupid FF for messing up my formatting. (sob)
Merry ran out of his--no their--home as though the wraiths were at his heels. He coninued running blindly, his mind thrown into a panic. When he'd finally exhausted himself, he sank down in a copse of trees and tried to bring his breathing under control.
Oh sweet Eru... he loves me... Well, I already knew that, but the awful part is that he's IN love with me... Saints and Wraiths! How did this happen? Groaning softly, Merry remembered the events that had driven him to run. I can't believe he kissed me...
He'd noticed a change in his dear cousin's behavior. Pippin was cross and elated by turns. Once when he'd teased him about being as moody as any girl, Pippin had actually run out and refused to speak with him for a day. He hadn't even been able to trick him into a conversation. How was he to have known that the problem was so... big? Days had gone by since The Incident, and Pippin was finally getting back to his old self. Things were finally settling into their normal routine, when Pippin had become odd again...
"I swear Pip, old boy, you're just like a woman during THAT time," he exclaimed. "What is wrong with you this time Cousin?"
Pippin bristled at his tone and whirled around to face him. "How can you say that! Maybe it's having to deal with you and your moods! Have you ever thought of that Meriadoc the Magnificent? You may be Magnificent to the rest of the Shire, but they don't have to try living with you and your damnable Magnificence!"
"Well, if that's how you feel about it, then you can move out of Crickhollow and go back to the rest of the idiots in Tookland!"
"Idiots! We're a sight better than you Bucklanders and always will be," raged Pippin. "Wasn't it old Remus Brandybuck that I just heard about? He can't even tell his wife from a donkey! Ha! Imagine a Took trying to bed a barn animal instead of a woman!"
"Oh, of course! Bring that up will you? When the whole Shire knows why there are so few Tooks compared to all the other families. You and your lot can't even find your way around a woman to get any heirs off one! Or is it that you prefer the company of men," he mocked.
Pippin stood stock-still for a heartbeat before replying. "You damned bastard--no, Aunt Esme doesn't deserve such an insult--you utter piece of shite. You know I can take a lot of things from you. We've always been able to insult each other and mess about... but you know how I feel about that subject. You know Merry."
He sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything... I forgot about... that."
"I can't accept that, Merry. You just forgot. Like that. You... you didn't even try to stop it. You went on saying such horrible things about me and my family. Almost true things that everyone else is talking about. Your family too if you can be bothered to remember that..."
"Please. I'm sorry. Let's... let's just forget about this. We both went a little far. Both of our tempers were roused past the breaking point, and we said things we didn't mean. Let's just go on as we always do."
"You want to ignore this?" Pippin snapped. "Just forget it. Like you forget everything else you don't like or want to handle. Like you forgot your promise not to mention anything? No, Merry. We can't 'just forget about it' and 'go on as we always do'. Not this. It's time you learned that not everything will turn out as you want. Grow up! You're not a tween anymore. You were practically an adult during the War. Even if things were hard for you after coming back, that doesn't give you the right to act like this! To treat me like this! Oh I know, it's the hobbit way to let things go and keep a stiff upper lip... but when I have you every day of my life... Lords! I can't stand it any longer--" Pippin cut himself off and stalked forward to grab Merry by the shoulders.
Pippin was glaring at him with such a fierce expression that he wasn't sure what to expect. "Pippin... what are you doing?" he asked nervously. "I said I was sorry and I'll try to do better! Honest! Just tell me what's so wrong with me that you have to act like this..."
Pippin continued glaring and shook him a bit. "You're still not listening," he bit out. "I suppose I have to shut you up myself. Hn. I'll give you something you won't be able to forget so quickly!"
Merry stared back bewildered and a bit annoyed. "Shut me up?"
"Right!" Pippin growled back just before his mouth came down harshly upon Merry's. It was not a kiss so much as their fight carried on with lips and tongue and teeth. He ignored the lack of response and expertly parted Merry's mouth to allow his tongue entrance.
As the kiss went on, Merry was filled with confusion. Pippin was furiously biting and nipping at his lips and tongue while kissing him more thoroughly than he'd ever been kissed in his not insubstantial experience. He jerked when he felt a hand on the bare skin of his back as the other moved to his hair and yanked his head back to allow better access. Dazed by overwhelming sensation and lack of air, Merry tentatively began to respond and quickly fought back with his own tongue. He forced his way into Pippin's mouth and explored this new territory. Not being one given to pliancy, he wrested dominance from Pippin and took over the kiss. Finally, he shoved Pippin away and they separated breathlessly.
"What in the name of the Valar was THAT about," he panted.
"That was me kissing you."
"I got that bit, Pippin. Really. But why on earth would you..." he trailed off as his eyes widened in horror. "Tell me it's not what I think. Please. Tell me anything but that."
Pippin lowered his head. "I can't," he whispered. "I wish I could, too, but I can't. I--I love you, Merry!"
"NO YOU DON"T! You don't love me! Not like that. You're my cousin! And you're just as male as I! What kind of perversion is bred over there?" he asked scandalized.
Pippin reeled as though he'd been struck. "You can't mean that Merry! How can you blame me for loving you? How can you hate that?" he cried beseechingly. He reached out to his cousin again, but Merry rebuffed him.
"I thought you were just angry. I thought maybe you were just doing it to shock me. You know... like you said. Give me something that I wouldn't forget. But by the Ring! I never imagined you were doing it because you want me like that," rambled Merry. "I--I--I have to go now. I have to leave. I can't do this right now..." he said desperately.
"Merry!"
"Oh Eru... what do I do now? I've hurt him so badly, but he LOVES me? How can we live together now? I can't trust him after this. How can I know he's not watching me... lusting for me..." Merry trailed off and shuddered slightly. "I can't do this. I love him. I really do, but... not the way he wants me to. I can't even pretend to understand what he wants of me." Oh Saints he kissed me... he kissed me and what's worse is I kissed back. Oh I know that I only did it to fight back the only way I could... but why didn't I just push him away? Make a clean break of it? What can I do to fix this and turn everything back the way it was?
He stopped rocking and lay on his back. I can do this. I can. I'll talk to him... make him understand that it was all some horrible mistake. Likely he's gotten over his silly notion. Or he only said it to frighten me! To make a point... well this has certainly been memorable as he promised. Maybe that was it? But... no. I remember the way he looked at me when he said IT. When he said he loved me. Would I have reacted in the same manner if he'd told me that loved another? Would I have felt the same shock and horror? The same fear? I can't imagine feeling much different... what does that make me? To fear my cousin and closest friend. To know that I am somewhat disgusted by his feelings for me... If it makes me hard and narrow-minded, then so be it. I can't help but feel this way... I'm not like him! I can't be so open to every new idea under the sun. He has to know that it wouldn't have worked. Even if I did return his feelings. He has to see that, and I'll make him see if he doesn't. Later though. I'm too tired to talk to him now. I'll just rest here a bit, and when I go home everything... will... be... better...
It was long after sundown when Merry rapped sharply on the door to their home. When there was no answer he slowly opened the door and stepped in and glanced about. He was startled by Pippin's low voice.
"Hn. So you've finally returned. I'd begun to think you didn't have the stomach to come back and face me."
"Well of course I came back, Pippin." he replied with an almost unnoticeable edge. "Where else would I go? For that matter, why should I go anywhere else? This is still my home, too."
"And surely it is... but is it still MINE Merry?"
"Why wouldn't it be, Pippin. Don't ask such ridiculous questions."
"Ridiculous! Ridiculous you say? What, pray tell is so ridiculous about that question?"
"It just is!" Merry exploded. "We can go on as though nothing happened, and everything will be fine! Just like it used to be."
"You fool! Nothing is the same. Surely even someone with your thick head would realise that," he replied scathingly. "Tell me, Merry. How did it make you feel when I touched you. When I had my hands all over you and my tongue in your mouth? When I said 'I love you'. What did you feel?"
Merry's eyes darted about the room, and he shifted uneasily.
Pippin sighed heavily. "Look at you now. You can't even bring yourself to look at me. Everything is different, and it's all for the worse. You're angry, disgusted, scared. You probably don't want to forgive me for this, and I can't forgive you for feeling this way about me."
"But--but I'm not disgusted with you Pip," he protested feebly.
He snorted loudly. "Please, Merry. Try not to strain yourself. I know you. Most days I know you better than I know myself. You want me to be anywhere but here. You want me gone. All the years we shared, our memories, the Fellowship... that's gone. Forgotten for this strange and new occurrence. It's good to know how cheaply you held it."
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"
"Of course it is! You can't even stop yourself from backbiting and snubbing your own friends and family for making the same choices I did. For lovingsomeone they shouldn't. Why should this be any different? Why would this be easier for you? Why don't you just admit and be done with it!"
Stung into action, he growled. "Fine. You want me to tell you how I feel? We've been friends since you were born. Since before you were born. I told you stories while Aunt Eglantine carried you. You were like my very own baby brother. We went through a war together. I trusted you! I trusted you and you do this! Betrayed me and took advantage of my ignorance. How many times have you seen me naked? All those times I would bear myself in innocence never knowing what you would think... that you would lust after me. Saint's sake, Pippin! How could you let this go on? You shouldn't have decided to live with me if you feel that way! Not when you know how I feel. I thought better of you, but now I know what you truly are."
"And what am I?"
"You're nothing but a liar. You're less than that. You. Are. Not. My. Cousin." He said cruelly. "I don't know you."
His face drained of colour as Merry's words hit home. "Fine then Master Brandybuck. You wanted me gone and back to Tookland so that's exactly what I'll do. You won't have to worry about me and my disgusting perversions any longer. After all you wouldn't want to worry about me creeping into bed with you at night. You never know what scum like me would try while you're asleep."
"That's not what I meant..." he said helplessly.
"Isn't it? Isn't it what you implied? What you thought?" Pippin shook his head. "I'm leaving. If I'm not your cousin anymore, then I have no business living with you." With those words, he turned and walked back to his bedroom.
Merry sank down into a chair like a puppet whose strings had been cut. He sighed and buried his face in his hands. This was not the way it was supposed to be. He was supposed to listen to reason and forget all about these feelings... He was supposed to be my best friend and brother. This is completely wrong. I'll wake up in the morning and this will all be some horrible dream... Merry was forcibly drawn from his thoughts by the loud banging and crashing in Pippin's room. He grimaced at the curses coming from that end of the hole. If anyone deserved to be cursed, then it's him for doing this to me. For ruining everything for both of us. It's his fault.
Some months later in Buckland...
Esmerelda Brandybuck proudly surveyed the table. Every hobbit in his or her own place from her husband and the cousins to Merry who sat rather closely to his "friend". Perhaps now she would finally have the grandchildren she'd been longing for...
"Well that was a lovely meal, Mum. If you'd excuse me and Stella now..."
Esmerelda and Saradoc exchanged knowing glances before smiling foolishly. "O' course son. You two go on. It's much too nice of a night to be stuckindoors with us oldsters."
"Hey now!" protested Celandine. "We're not in the grave yet!"
Merry grinned at that. "Is that why you're going to be here yawning over your mending basket?"
"Oh, you scamp. See if I'm at the wedding!"
As the two made good with their escape, Estella turned to him with a raised brow. "Wedding?"
He laughed at her look. "You don't think I bring every lass to Buckland do you?"
"Of course not... I simply couldn't hope that you were that serious about me."
"Well, you can stop that nonsense and know how I feel."
"Oh Merry," she sighed. "I love you so much. I never thought you would return my feelings."
"Why shouldn't I? We've been friends for years... it seems only natural that this would happen."
"Not every long time friendship becomes romantic."
"I know..." he murmured.
She watched as his face darkened in remembrance. I wonder what he's thinking of... there are still so many things he won't tell me. Always laughingand joking, but he won't let anyone in. Not even me...
"Merry, is everything all right?" murmured Estella.
He grimaced before shaking his head. As he reached for her hand he mustered that crooked smile she'd fallen in love with. "Everything's perfect, Stella. Simply perfect."
The End. ((whimpers) Please don't shoot me.)
Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. This is the end of this. There will be no happy endings. Writing this took a lot out of me, but I thought it was a version of their story that needed to be told. Realistically, same-sex relationships would almost certainly be reviled in Tolkien's world. I know there's a lot of filial and brotherly love going on, but he's clear that it's NOT homosexual... that's just us twisting the story to suit our own dark purposes. Lol. I didn't particularly like Merry in this and I don't really expect you to either. However, I do think that this is a more real portrayal of their would-be relationship than most. After all... how would YOU feel if your first cousin of the same gender professed their very romantic love for you after just about ravishing you? Most people would be completely freaked and react about this way. I never see that in M/P fiction so it was just angst waiting to be written!
Btw, I will admit to sort of rushing the ending scene. It just didn't want to be written, and I forced it out (months after the rest had been written so I apologize for the change in POV and style). I also apologize for the decrease in quality at the emotional last scene... Oh yeah, the title doesn't really fit anymore. Not obviously anyway. The story took a few turns hereand there, and I didn't feel like changing the name again. That and I couldn't think of anything new... :P
You know you want to review. Even a few words will thrill me beyond belief.