I do not own Gilmore Girls.
Thanks for the Reviews.
The bus went too slow for Rory Gilmore. All she wanted was to forget the pain her mothers words caused her. The book she brought didn't help. It was long and complicated. Rory just needed to zone out, focus on the vibrations of the bus on the road. Anything to help numb this pain she's been in. Apparently knowing the cause of the pain didn't help, she'd settle for confusion any time now.
She watched as the bus drove past Chilton. She wished she was still protected within those walls. Everything was so much more simpler then. Everything was so much more simpler before sex came into the picture. She could remember blushing at Tristan's innuendos and found herself wishing was still a Mary. Sex seemed to have given her life, only to have it taken away.
It was true Rory felt dead inside. She placed her hand on her abdomen trying in vain to stop the emptiness that was rooted inside. Her stomach growled and grumbled. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd eaten. It had probably been a few days, since her mother had left her at Yale. The thought of never eating again occurred to her. But that was blasphemy. A Gilmore always ate. She wasn't about to break tradition. She opened up her wallet to check if she had any money for lunch only to find the same six dollars that caused all this. She wanted to fling the dollar bills out the window and let someone who needed it have it. But, as selfish as it seemed, Rory needed it too. She needed to eat. So she pressed the stop button and got off. There was McDonalds around here, she thought. Now all she had to do was find it without further losing herself.
On the other side of the fight was Lorelai, who was a wreck. She had watched her daughter step on a bus to go back to Yale, at least Lorelai hoped it was Yale. She wanted to call Rory's cell phone and tell her to come home. But two thoughts interrupted her. One Rory didn't have a cell phone because she hadn't gotten it replaced. Two, she didn't know if Rory would consider the crap shack home after their disagreement. She had hoped that Rory would be a grown up, a stubborn grown up who wouldn't put up with the childish antics of her mother.
"More coffee?" Luke interrupted her. She brushed away the tears she didn't know were falling but wasn't surprised to find them.
"No. Yes. I guess." Lorelai's indecision about coffee worried Luke. Plus the tears made him a little suspicious.
"Whatever she said Lore, she didn't mean." His wise words were well intentioned but didn't help the situation.
"They aren't her words that hurt so much." Luke looked at her confused. He was always slow at putting two and two together. His train of thought was not as fast as hers so there was always a bit of a barrier between them. Of course he tried to break the barrier with a sledge hammer but it seemed to only get worse. So he usually didn't even try to communicate with her when she said things he didn't understand. But right now, standing in front of his crying girlfriend he realized he had to. So he acted stupid, but to him it wasn't an act.
"Who's words?" He asked.
"Mine." He wasn't expecting that. Nobody was. What could Lorelai say that would make her cry.
"I told her I wasn't her mother anymore, until she got over this and returned to normal. I told her to leave and she did. I'm a horrible mother, how could I possibly classify myself as a good mother when I was kid when I raised her. I never grew up. And when she needs me to be her mom and solely her mom I fuck it up."
The diner gasped at her words. Lorelai swore. But more than that she broke the bond between her and her daughter, something that the town had thought impossible. It did make sense in a way, that the only persons who could come between them would be the two of them.
"Lorelai, Rory is a big girl. She knows you didn't mean it." Luke tried to comfort her. But he wanted to yell at her, saying that she was stupid to say that. His fatherly instincts trying to take over. He just had to remind himself that he wasn't Rory's father and it wasn't hard to keep his mouth shut, especially if he ever wanted to become her step father.
"I did though, at that moment I did." Lorelai was losing her silent battle of staying strong. She now knew how Rory could act so little and pathetic. She feared the consequences of her actions but more than that she feared the pain she had caused Rory. She buried her head in her hands and cried openly in front of the diner full of the town.
Rory had just returned to her dorm room. She opened the door and saw an angry Paris sitting on the couch. Angry Paris was nothing new, she had had plenty of years dealing with angry Paris. Just this angry Paris also sported a hint of worry which scared Rory. If Paris was angry for having to worry about her then she was in deep trouble, not because of the lecture or the yelling but because lately she hasn't been able to control what she says. She could hurt Paris and that frightened her. She knew it was only a matter of time until she had no one to turn to.
"So where did you go last night, with a bottle of tequila?" Paris's voice was surprisingly calm. It wouldn't last long.
"Oh um, I went to see my mom." Rory put her left hand on her head covering her stitches but was unaware that her sleeve slid down to her elbow exposing the brunt of her wounds. Paris took a sharp inhale of air.
"Did you make it there?" Rory nodded her head.
"I'm going to take a shower." Rory started to walk towards the bathroom. Paris was on her feet in seconds and blocking Rory's path to the shower.
"Did you drink and drive?" Paris yelled. Rory thought the only solution was to lie.
"I drove and drank, Paris." She neglected to add 'then I drove into a phone poll with my now ex-mother watching, who I preceded to verbally abuse after I had physically abused her.'
"I don't believe you. You of all people, the poster child for perfect drove drunk…"
"Paris I am not perfect, not even close. So don't. Right now I am in a bad place and I have successfully destroyed important relationships so back off now, before I say something you don't want to hear."
"Fine, you're not perfect. But don't threaten me, I don't care what you could say. There just words."
"You of all people should know the power of words, considering you've used so many against me in the past."
"Rory if you want to do it this way, then give me your best shot."
"Paris.." Rory tried to convince Paris that this was stupid. And it was. They weren't arguing over what they should be. Paris let go of the drunk driving and wanted to see if Rory could actually hurt someone. And Rory, she just wanted to take a shower and would do anything to do just that.
"Chicken, Gilmore?" Paris taunted and Rory seemed to draw strength from it.
"Paris you're so mean that people befriend you out of fear and then you take them for granted and treat them dirt. Do you ever wonder why I am your only friend? The only reason I've stuck around for so much is because I pity you. I tell myself that it's not your fault, that you were raised in a crappy atmosphere, but no, you chose to be mean and alone and eventually you will find yourself all alone." Rory's words were harsh and hurt Paris but Paris refused to say so. She wouldn't admit that what Rory said was true. So she shook her head and laughed before walking into her room. If Rory was on self destruct then who was she to get in the way.
Rory watched Paris walk into her room. She hurt yet another person she cared about. But maybe, just maybe things would be easier if she was all alone. Rory sat down on the couch and started to watch TV. Nothing was on, just some annoying Disney channel movie or a rerun of Rugrats. She just zoned, paid attention to the cartoon babies explore and took the simple plots and cheesy morals. But she couldn't help but hate the cartoon, because no matter how hard the situation got Tommy could always run to his mom. And well, Rory didn't need to remind herself of this but in all her self deprecation glory she did, she reminded herself that she had no mother.
It was sad really. That feeling of loneliness, you can never get enough of it, you never wanted it before. Loneliness seeped it's way into Rory's life like a plague and left her craving more. Nobody could really understand why the disease did that. It was most hated when there was no cure for it, but when the cure is as simple as an apology the patient wants to be alone. Rory was in quite a bind. She didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want people around her more. So she sat on the couch letting depression take over her life.
Rory wandered if getting high was the answer. Ignoring the problem caused a bigger problem, drinking caused more problems. Turning to drugs, she was sure, would also lead to a problem bigger than she can handle. She'd worry about it later, right now she didn't know how to get the drugs. The idea slipped her mind. She wanted coffee. She'd drink so much caffeine so she wouldn't be able to sleep for a week.
Sleep deprecation would make everything better, momentarily. The consequences could be avoided for as long as possible.
Rory got off the couch. She dragged her feet to the door. Lethargically opened the door. Lazily closed the door after she stumbled out of the dorm. She was so tired and she didn't even know it. The walk to the creepy coffee shop seemed to take forever, it was dark when she arrived. Her arm ached and her head throbbed. Who was the idiot who crashed into a telephone pole while she was drunk? She had to remind herself that she deserved the pain. She even started to tell herself that she deserved to be punched in the face by the mugger. Seriously, she was the one standing there all innocent and 'here take my purse.' He was actually being kind to her so she could tell her friends and family that she fought like hell.
Rory didn't fight hard enough. She never did. She never will. Because all she wanted to do right now was curl up into a tiny ball on the floor and die. Much as she did in the Yale Wellness center that fateful day. She just couldn't handle the pain anymore, then and now.
She slipped, literally and figuratively. She wasn't looking where she was going so it was no wonder she fell on her face. It was a classic moment: the pride wounded women walking tall with her head up high make believing she's living a Mary Tyler Moore moment and then tripping over a bump in the sidewalk. She crumpled to the ground and cried for what felt like the millionth time that week to her tired, red and puffy eyes. She hated her life.
She eventually pulled her body off the sidewalk and strolled into the café. She looked like a broken girl to the nosy customers who turned to see who entered the coffee house, they weren't far off from the truth. She sat down at the counter and the same creepy women came up to her.
"He done it to you, 'gain?" She asked but Rory got the feeling that is was more of a statement.
"No, I did this myself."
"It ain't your fault, missy. You can't keep a'telling 'self that. He done it to you, no ut'her way to spin it, miss." The women told her. Rory wanted to deny the fact that she was in an abusive relationship but she was… with herself at least that's what she told herself.
"Coffee little lady?" The women asked her.
"Can you make that Irish?" Rory asked in desperate need to drink.
"It ain't soothe the reality. You let 'im do this an' drink it 'way. Bad idea." The women seemed to an endless amount of wisdom that to some would actually be helpful, to Rory it was nonsense.
"But I hear ya." The women walked into the back room and came out with a bottle of whiskey which she poured into a coffee mug. It was about ¾ whiskey ¼ coffee. Rory took a sip and cringed. She still couldn't stand the taste of most alcohol.
The woman walked around the counter and put her leg on the stool. She pulled down her leggings so Rory could clearly see a huge scar that extended from the shin to the leg. Rory gasped as it was the only appropriate thing to do.
"My hubby did this six summers ago. It took me five to know it whattent my fault." The woman fixed her leggings before walking away.
"I swearded he killed me years ago." The woman whispered when she walked by. Rory wasn't sure if she heard it or not.
"I don't want to kill myself" Rory announced to anyone who was listening. "I think." She added. What more could she possibly lose?