Once again I do not own Gilmore Girls.
Thank you all for the reviews, they encourage me to write more.
Rory was blind to the strange looks the Yalies were giving her. She was their hero and she was furiously wandering the campus with tears dripping down her cheeks and welling in her blue eyes. They felt nothing but sympathy for her, some having actually noticed her decline since her heroic moment late that one night. Nobody cared, though. At least not enough to stop what they were doing and ask what was wrong. They were all rich, self centered students who had better things to do that day. They didn't know she was planning on killing herself. It probably wouldn't matter if they did know. The pretty little girl that sits in the front of the classroom who enthusiastically asks and answers questions wasn't worth the one second it would take to say 'hello.' The pretty little blue eyed and dark haired girl wouldn't be sitting in the front of the classroom tomorrow and they wouldn't even notice until a councilor came in to inform them of the death of their classmate.
It would be painful for those that had actually taken a moment of their time to get to know Rory. It would be devastating to those that were her friends. It would be unbearable to her family. It would be a tragic event to those who didn't know her. They would recognize the pain of others briefly before discussing which party to go to. It was a tragedy that people didn't care.
But Rory was blind to all this. She didn't think about the consequences. She didn't envision the pain others would endure. She didn't care about anything right then. She couldn't see past her own pain. It wasn't the mugging, or the almost mugging. Although Rory had to admit it made for a good cover the first couple of days. Concentrating on her broken nose was easier then admitting the she lost something valuable to her.
She lost her baby, the baby she didn't know she was carrying. Mistakes happen, everybody learns from them. She had been so safe though, she couldn't get her mind around that. She was on birth control and Logan used a condom every time. She didn't understand how she had gotten so unlucky. So she was angry. She wasn't angry at the mugger as everybody thought, she was angry at herself.
Then she accepted that she had gotten pregnant. Her mother would support her, no doubt. Logan seemed classy enough that he'd at least pay child support. Paris would, well be Paris, then hopefully understand. Her grandparents, well her grandparents would have horrible flashbacks and be pissed off for quite a while. Probably until her mother talked some sense into them.
But then she wasn't pregnant anymore. She had collapsed in the Wellness center the night of the mugging. Blood had poured out from in between her legs. The pain was unbearable. And she was so confused, she didn't understand what was going on. She had screamed out in pain. She had cried. She was called out for her mommy to make it better. She didn't know she was supposed to be a mommy. It was why she had been so adamant about pushing her mom away.
The doctors at the wellness center had placed her on a gurney. They had quickly sedated her. She was fading and had asked in hoarse voice what was happening to her. No doctor or nurse could ignore the fear in her tone. But they were used to it, patients always got scared when they didn't know what was happening. The had taken pity on her and answered.
"You having a miscarriage." It repeated in Rory's head until she woke up later that night. The had told her again, they had told her there was nothing they could do. They had informed her that the stress from the mugging was just too much for the three week fetus. And so, Rory did the only thing that made sense to her. She had yelled. She had screamed. She had fought like hell to go home that night. She had slapped the nurse who offered to call her mom. She had raised hell on the small establishment. They had no choice but to release her. And in Rory's opinion they had the nerve to give her the number of a therapist. The number was conveniently lost in a trash can on the walk to her dorm.
It was no wonder she hated her purse. She lost a hell of lot more then she bargained for. And then people had the nerve to congratulate her. She was supposed to be congratulated for being pregnant, not miscarrying. She was enraged. And then her mother called reminding her of what she was supposed to be. It didn't help that Lorelai was so cheery too. When Lorelai came to her room to talk Rory was once again reminded of what could have been. So she backed away from her mother's attempt to hug her, twice. The third time Lorelai had won, she had gotten her hug and Rory couldn't help it anymore. She was a kid, she was too young to get pregnant. She had dreams she told herself, her mother wouldn't understand she reasoned. Anything to make the pain go away.
It was pretty self explanatory why Logan got pushed away so quickly. He did this to her. He knocked her up only so she could lose the baby. He built her up. She wanted that damn baby. But it was too late. Her want came after the knowledge and it was too late because the baby was gone. So she broke up with him in front of the newsroom. Only later did she pity him. He lost it (the baby forever being an it as no sex was classified) too. He was going to be a father. She wanted to tell him. But instead she protected him. He didn't need to hype himself up about something that was ever going to happen. But she still pushed him away. Anything to make the pain go away.
The pain was so numbing, though. She couldn't live. She just couldn't. So she created a shell. Her very own Rory shell that didn't let a damn soul near her. A shell that protected her from everything. A shell that failed to protect her from herself. Hence the drinking, the whorish moment in the quickie- mart, driving drunk, pushing her mother to the ground, destroying relationships, one night stands, believing the crazy lady in the coffee shop, and alienating herself from everyone who cared enough to say hi.
It wouldn't be wrong to assume that even if someone on the campus had stopped to asked 'what's wrong' that Rory would just keep walking. She was determined to make the pain go away.
Eventually Rory walked into the coffee house. The crazy lady poured a cup of coffee for her and sat down at the table with Rory.
"He done it 'gain?" Old lady asked.
"No, but I'm not going to let him have the chance to do it again. I'm going to end it, Char." Rory told her as she sipped the coffee. It would be her last coffee. It was a sad thought. But since she was going to hell she was sure there would be coffee since it was the devil's drink.
"Lucky 'ou. I try ending it once. Billy boy came a back. I saw it flash, know my life, 'fore my eyes. Let me tell ya, it scary." Rory nodded her head.
"No I mean… This is my last coffee ever, kind of ending it." Charlotte looked shocked, but eventually looked down. She liked it when Rory came in, since Rory actually listened. She knew the game was up. She wasn't a crazy woman, it was just an act. She liked the idea of people feeling safe and understood in her café. She liked her regulars who came partly for entertainment, partly for the good coffee, and partly because nobody is afraid to tell an old senile woman what was wrong. Maybe she had taken it too far. Maybe she was crazy, taking pleasure out of frightening the Yale students.
"Ah." She said. This was going to be hard, talking someone out of suicide. "Rory, are you sure that's what you want to do?" She asked. Rory looked up at her surprised by the correct grammar.
"This is a game. Tormenting people. It's all a game. I come to you, I tell you things, and this is just a game. You're just messing me." Rory cried. She was deceived. She had deceived herself so much that she was tired of deception. "I can't believe this, you. I trusted you."
"Rory, I'll get to that. But first suicide…" Rory cut her off.
"You're really going to try and talk me out of it. Why should I believe a woman who tells people she was in an abusive relationship?" Rory stood up accusing her. She pulled out a few bucks. "I can't believe this. Like I'm going to listen to a woman who isn't truthful about her identity." Rory stormed out of the café and marched back to her dorm. Paris had some pretty strong sedatives and Rory intended to take all of them.
Her sudden anger at Charlotte subsided. She was really going to do this. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't afraid. Branford was in view when a man walked up to her. She had enough drama. But there was Marty casting a shadow the shape of his body on her already gloomy day.
"Rory? My God. What is wrong?" His voice was so full of concern that Rory wanted to puke. The one thing she hated about Marty was that he was so horrible at making her feel better. She didn't like concern, or pity. She didn't like it when people cared and Marty always cared.
"Just a bad day, Marty. It'll be over soon." Honesty. At least she was being honest.
"More like a bad month, Rory. I hardly see you and when you do you're miserable."
"Thanks, Marty. You know just what to say to cheer a girl up." She made a move past him. He stopped her by grabbing her arm.
"Hey." He stopped until he got he got her attention and eye contact. "I love you." Rory wrinkled her eyebrows, baffled by his sudden growth of balls to declare such a vile act. "You know,… 'cause sometimes… You need to hear it." He held contact for a second before letting go of her arm. He walked past her, never looking back.
Rory was stoic. She was a statue. People had to walk around her. Those that nudged her couldn't even get her to blink. And then she burst out into fresh tears. Rory had to admit that Marty was making this difficult. It wasn't so much his declaration of love that had her second guessing suicide. It simply got her to think about others who she loved and probably still loved her.
She imagined her mother at her funeral. Lorelai would be dressed in a black suit because she still had to be fashionable. She wouldn't wear a grieving widows hat with the black veil, that was definitely her grandmother. Her mother would have put makeup on, and not the waterproof stuff. Her loved ones would be sitting on the cemetery lawn in chairs. Her casket would be marched by. Luke, her grandfather, Jackson, Kirk, Andrew and Michel would be carrying her casket. Luke would be blubbering. Her grandfather would be stoic only to break down later. Taylor and the rest would look sad.
Her father would be sitting next to her mother. They would be holding hands, trying the best they could to comfort each other. Luke would take a seat behind her mother and start squeezing her shoulders offering support. Lane and her band would play some sad funeral song out of respect. Sookie would sit next to Luke crying loudly. Logan and his posse would sneak into the back. He would be drunk and crying. Paris would try to hold it together, only to fail afterwards. Dean would look heartbroken. Jess would be there, mostly confused a little sad. Babbette would be crying next to Miss Patty, who was also crying. Morey would look much like her grandpa, unable to take it. Taylor would try to keep everybody orderly. Marty would regret not stopping her, as he was the last person to speak to her. Many others would pay their respect.
"I just don't understand." Christopher would ask Lorelai.
"I should have known" Lorelai would sob into her pile of used tissue.
The reverend would start his speech. The band would start playing only to have the drums disappear after a few bars as Lane would be too devastated to continue playing. It would be a sad day for Stars Hollow.
Rory came out of her reverie and headed to her dorm. She lied to herself that her mother who wasn't her mother anymore wouldn't care. Her relationship with her father was hell anyway. She blew off Lane too many times to count this past month. She pissed off Paris. She threw salt into Luke's wounds. She ignored her grandparents. She broke up with Logan. She didn't love Marty back. Dean broke up with her, three times. Jess left her. She didn't care about the town anymore and made that clear. Nobody cared. Why should they care. After all that one month was enough to erase the past.
Rory waltzed into her dorm. Snooped in Paris's medicine cabinet until she found what she was looking for. She glided to the kitchen and poured herself some water. She struggled with the baby lock on the pills until they came flying out in all directions. She didn't pick them up, there was still enough in the bottle to end her pain. She dumped the remaining pills into her hand. She tilted her head back, threw the pills at the back of her throat and the door opened.
There stood Paris, peeved that her class was cancelled. She looked at Rory who was mimicking a deer caught in headlights look. And Rory was holding a prescription bottle and glass of water. Paris, being the brainy that she was, put two and two together.
"Rory Stop!" She shouted and in record speed was behind Rory smacking her. The glass of water fell and smashed on the tile. The pill bottle fell from Rory's grasp. Paris smacked her again until the pills that were in Rory's mouth fell to the ground as well. And then just because she was Paris and mad and felt like it, she smacked Rory again.
"What the fuck were you doing?" Paris screamed at her. Rory pushed Paris away.
"No, you don't. You've pushed too many people away." Paris paused. "Why would you do this? What about your mom, don't you know she'd die too?"
"What mom?" Rory was hysterical by now. "I don't have a mom. She said so." Rory was so hysterical that Paris could hardly make it out, and when she did she didn't believe it.
"Who cares what she said Rory. She loves you."
"No, she doesn't."
Paris led Rory to the couch and hugged her, just letting her cry it out. She knew she had to call Lorelai, but she wanted to make sure Rory was stable. So she let her friend, her only friend cry on her shoulder. She felt horrible about what she said earlier. She didn't know her words would drive Rory to suicide.
Paris didn't know that her words weren't taken into consideration when Rory decided to end her life. She was just blaming herself for nothing. All Rory wanted was to make the pain go away, she didn't know it would be more painful.
When Rory's sobs subsided. Paris took out her cell phone from her pocket.
"Rory I am going to call you mom." She told her softly.
"No. She said." Rory cried again. She repeated the mantra over and over again.
"Ror, I have to. She needs to come."
"She won't." The mantra changed. Paris stood up and let Rory sprawl out on the couch. She stepped into the kitchen and looked at the mess. She ignore the temptation to start cleaning it and slid down to the floor. She could barely hear Rory over there. She flipped her cell phone open and scrolled until she found LORELAI in her phone book. She pressed send.
"Hello." Lorelai answered on the first ring. She obviously hadn't had time to read the caller ID. She also sounded perky.
"Lorelai, It's Paris. You need to come to Yale."
"Does Rory want me there?" Lorelai asked skeptically.
"No."
"Oh. Then why do I need to go?"
"You didn't let me finish. Rory just stuffed half a bottle of tranqulizers into her mouth and had I not come in she'd have swallowed. So, she needs you here." Paris ranted into the phone. She heard a crashing before dial tone. 'Well that sure is reassuring' Paris thought.
On the other end of the phone when Lorelai had heard that Rory tried to kill herself she panicked. She dropped the phone. Then flipped it closed as she sprinted for her car. She saw the worried glances of Michel and Sookie but ignored them. She had to make sure Rory was alright.
She was sitting in her car, stuck in traffic. She hated this. Her daughter needed her and she was stuck in traffic. So she did something illegal. She drove on the shoulder of the freeway which is reserved for ambulances, fire trucks and police cars. So it was no surprise when a cop pulled her over.
"You do know that driving on the shoulder is illegal and dangerous?" The hick cop smiled at her.
"Listen my daughter goes to Yale and I just got a call from her roommate saying she just tried to kill herself. I have to get there." Lorelai frantically explained.
"That's your excuse."
"No, I know what I did was illegal. So just be quick about the ticket okay. And it's not going to stop me from doing it again."
The cop proceeded to write her a ticket. When he was done she took off again, speeding down the shoulder of the road to New Haven. The cop didn't pull her over again having taken pity on her. So when Lorelai parked in the red next to Branford building it was safe to say she didn't care about the law. She practically flew into the building and knocked woodpecker fast on the door. Paris opened it looking relieved. Lorelai just rushed past her and straight to her daughter, her little girl.
She hugged Rory and for the first time started crying.
"Shhh. Mommy's here." Lorelai repeated. It was a simple phrase that she had told Rory every time she had a bad dream.
"But, you said. You said." Rory croaked out.
"I was wrong baby. I was stupid and wrong." Lorelai told her. Her pride could gladly be hurt and damaged as long as her baby was okay.
"Mom…" Rory cried out.
And for the first time Rory felt the pain go away.