20
Cooking with Snape
SNAPE: '' What are you doing? ''
FRED: '' Exactly what you told me to do...stirring the caldron with my wand. ''
SNAPE: '' You idiot! What I meant was; use your wand to make the cauldron stir ! ''
GEORGE: '' You might have said so.''
SNAPE: '' I did ' said so'. You just weren't listening properly and now this batch is probably ruined too. ''
FRED: '' Oh, I don't think it is...''
SNAPE:'' That is what you said about the last batch! ''
GEORGE: '' No actually , I said it.''
FRED: '' Besides it wasn't ruined, it just wasn't right.''
SNAPE: '' Well maybe if you two dunces could recall the exact method you utilized before. ''
FRED: '' It's your fault.''
SNAPE: '' My fault? ''
FRED: '' Yes, you make me nervous, you over dressed vampire.''
SNAPE: '' This will be the seventh failure. ''
FRED: '' The last batch was not a failure. It made lovely bath essence.''
SNAPE: '' Bath Essence! Pshaw! I am not wasting my time to make bath essence! I am not a boutique.''
GEORGE: '' I am not a boo-tique.''
SNAPE: '' Are you mocking me! ''
FRED: '' Of course not!...but George was. ''
SNAPE: '' I ought to murder you both.No one would miss you, and I think I could make it quite painf- ''
FRED: '' Umm...sir, that is a warm, cheerful thought...but what is that smell? ''
SNAPE: '' I don't smell anyth-''
GEORGE: sniff '' That smells like burnt slugs. ''
SNAPE: '' The potion is burning, move out of my way, dimwit! ''
FRED: '' You could say excuse me, wanker. Hey! That's it! ''
GEORGE: '' What's that Fred? ''
FRED: '' A chord of remembrance...''
GEORGE:'' Of course, I had almost forgotten.''
FRED: '' Professor Snape...?''
SNAPE: '' Not now! ''
FRED:'' Oh, but I believe this is important.''
SNAPE: '' What you possibly say that is important?''
GEORGE:'' Scorched slug powder.''
SNAPE: '' What? ''
FRED: '' Yes...we used scorched slug powder...two pinches exactly.''
SNAPE: '' You remember it now? ''
GEORGE: '' Better late than never.''
FRED: '' Yes...I believe that was the missing ingredient.''
GEORGE: '' Yes, definitely...''
SNAPE: '' Well, then go find some! ''
FRED: '' Well, this is getting exciting isn't it? ''
SNAPE:'' Fascinating.''
FRED: '' Is that sarcasm I detect?''
SNAPE: '' Among so many other things, Mr. Weasley. ''
FRED: '' Now, now...you are supposed to be civil.''
SNAPE: '' This is a civil as you get me. Where is Fred with that powder? ''
FRED: '' George, I'm Fred. ''
SNAPE: '' Pleased to meet you but I am Snape.''
FRED: '' Was that a joke? Congratulations! "
SNAPE: '' Are you still stirring that cauldron? ''
FRED: '' Yes.''
SNAPE: '' You are still doing it wrong. Now we'll have to pour it out and start over."
FRED: '' Don't think so.''
SNAPE: '' Since when have you ever been in the habit of thinking.''
FRED: '' Since this morning, honest. You see, when we made the other batch...''
SNAPE: '' You mean tampered with my batch.''
FRED: '' Same mistake...anyhow, we stirred the cauldron this way.''
SNAPE:'' Why may I ask did you do that? ''
FRED: '' I can't quite recall at the moment. we were fairly pissed. snaps fingers By Jove that's it! ''
SNAPE: '' What is 'it ' now? ''
FRED: '' We poured in a half a cup of pure firewhiskey, to give it a kick.''
SNAPE: '' That couldn't of been what turned it pink though.''
FRED: '' Nooo...I think that is what gave him the giggles...and nearly beat him to death from the inside.''
SNAPE: '' Too bad it didn't succeed.''
FRED: '' What's that?''
SNAPE: '' Never mind. What we need to know is what tuned it pink, so we can conscientiously avoid it.''
FRED: '' That might have been the roses.''
SNAPE:'' Roses? How inebriated were you, exactly? ''
FRED: '' It was an ugly sight. ''
SNAPE: '' You always are.''
FRED: '' Thank you, darling. ''
SNAPE:'' So what type of roses are we speaking of? ''
GEORGE: '' Chocolate covered ones. ''
SNAPE:'' Oh, so you've returned.''
GEORGE:'' Did you miss me dear? ''
FRED: He has been pining every since you left.
GEORGE: '' Probably the fumes from that brew. ''
SNAPE: '' WHAT about the chocolate roses...? ''
FRED: '' They are a specialty of ours. They look like REAL roses, but if you put them in your mouth, they turn to chocolate.''
SNAPE:'' Wonderful, so now we have to have the exact fire-whiskey and the exact flowers so we can break them down and determine what exactly it was that held the lycanthropy in check.
GEORGE: groan '' That is a lot of variables. ''
SNAPE: '' Can you assure me that this is all that got put in the potion? One of you didn't sneeze in it or maybe vomit? ''
GEORGE: '' We Weasley's can hold our liquor better than that! ''
FRED: '' Absolutely. And I am positive that this is everything. ''
SNAPE: '' Oh yes...that reassures me immensely.''
FRED: '' Well, you'll just have to trust us.''
SNAPE: '' That will be a cold day in hell...''
GEORGE: '' It seems like it would be easier if he just turned pink. ''
FRED:'' Yeah...I thought girls liked pink. If it's all true, then she won't mind a bit! ''
GEORGE: '' Oh...but I don't think Snapey has heard.''
FRED: '' Heard what George?''
GEORGE: '' Oh..the news...you know.''
FFRED: '' Oh yes...well, best not to tell him. ''
SNAPE: '' Tell me what? ''
GEORGE: '' No, it's too upsetting.''
FRED:'' Tragic actually.''
SNAPE:'' So is having all of the protruding parts of your antaomy blasted off.''
FRED:'' Temper. . . temper. Well, if you must know. . .
GEORGE: '' Hermione and Lupin have. . .''
FRED: '' You know. . .''
GEORGE: '' Gotten together. . .''
FRED: '' In every sense of the word, if you know what I mean. ''
SNAPE: '' I am not that obtuse. And. . . who won the gold?''
FRED: '' No one yet. It was exactly between two dates, so he everyone is scheduling new days. The new bet is when they will publicly announce it. ''
SNAPE: '' They already would have, if you freckled toads hadn't tampered with my potion. ''
FRED:'' Yes well we feel awfully bad about that, old man.''
GEORGE: '' That we do.''
FRED: '' After all...you didn't win the pool, you didn't get your chance at revenge, and you didn't get the girl you were sweet on.''
SNAPE: '' I WAS NOT SW-''
FRED:'' Calm yourself PERFESSOR. We understand completely, in fact. . .we have an idea to help you. Get your revenge that is. . .''
GEORGE:'' That's right. . .because we like you.''
FRED: '' Why, we almost love you. ''
SNAPE: '' Terrific.''
GEORGE: '' So wouldn't it be just a little bit of a good thing if we. . .whisper whisper ''
FRED: '' Yes, but it would be just once, and then the- whisper whisper. . . ''
GEORGE: '' So what do you think Perfessor? ''
SNAPE:'' I don't. Now,. . .add that slug powder.
But he did think about it. And the more he thunk about it, the more amusing it seemed. Surely there would be a lecture from Dumbledore later, but it would worth it, for just one attempt to humiliate one of the ex-marauders. In fact it might quite possibly be the best moment of his life. After all, he was still very sore about losing that gold. . .his chance to make them all squirm. And leave it to a Gryffindor to worm his way around and fall in love without any potion at all. What a prat.
Yes. . .he would actually rather enjoy just a little bit of discomfort on his old nemesis' behalf. . .
He would have to share the glory with the weasel twins. . .but he was beginning to think that might not be such a bad thing after all. . .
Not at all...
" Mr.'s Weasley there is only small problem with your plan. It is too simple. What it also needs is...whisper, whisper...Yes? "
" Brilliant!"
" I love the way you've come around to our way of thinking."
" That's right...your not so bad at all."
And they put their heads together to begin their plan.