Tried to post this sucker yesterday but Ffnet was not cooperating. Baaaaaaaaad Ffnet. Baaaaaaaad!

Thanks to: joanoa, smithknk, mariarita, xobabygurlxo, Brittany4445, starryeyes10, jnp, dansingwolf, LiseGirardi, Martini, JadeAlmasy, Dessler, BiteBeccy, aserene, LtjgMegAustin, cbw, southernqt, froggy, harmfan, Judy, jtbwriter, Abigaile, XBlueShadowX, jaggurl, Lurkz, alix33, Nix707 and anyone else I missed for the feedback:)

Jackie

Part 3 – This Feels Different

August 14, 2005
1700 Zulu
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

It was odd standing outside of a building that he hadn't returned to in such a long time. He did come back once, but only to plan their mission. This, however, was much, much difference. As he stood outside the building, swearing his summer whites a feeling of nostalgia came over him. It had been more than half a year since he'd last walked into JAG ops in uniform. It seemed longer than that, as if he had been away for years. With a deep breath, he moved towards the double doors, stopping to hold them open for a female Naval Commander. Then, he headed towards the security desk. The Marine, Gunnery Sergeant Luke Zila smiled brightly. It was odd of the man, Harm never knew him to have much of a sense of humor or pleasantry past military protocol. Well, cept for Mac, but a) she is also a Marine and b) she's an attractive one at that. "Welcome back, sir."

"Thanks Gunny." Harm smiled at the man and handed over his briefcase, waiting as he went through the usual, manual checking of the case.

Zila went through the case, meticulously checking each of the pockets. "Sir, we sure did miss you around here. You are one of the few officers that really seem to care about us enlisted. . .We appreciate everything you've done."

"I didn't do anything special, Gunny." The agencies involved in Levine's demise had agreed that it would be better for their public interests and Harm's resurrection if they went public with what had happened. Well, as public as possible. There was no mention of the Aurora's, but there was a mention of a Naval Commander who was captured, presumed dead and, in the end, wound up bringing down his captor and preventing an attack on US interests. He was a hero.

With a smile, the Gunny handed over the briefcase. "Don't under estimate yourself, Commander. . . Have a good day, sir."

"Thanks, Gunny." Harm headed down the pathway, stopping just short of the elevator. With a huff he stared over at the door heading to the stairwell, then stared back at the elevator door. Though sitting around for a week had made him stir crazy, he wasn't ready for this. How could he be? After more than half of year in an odd existence, how could he just put everything behind and start all over again? Deciding on the stairwell, he opened the door and ascended slowly, each step brining up a memory that was still raw in his mind.

How could he go back to work, defending and prosecuting when he'd seen a much darker side to it all. What if, for some insane reason, he'd given into Temir and Levine, becoming the monster they'd hoped he'd become. The money offered was tempting, he had to admit, but the rational side of his mind, the one that people claimed was 'brainwashed' by the Navy, kept him from giving in. And what about him and Mac? Could they survive together now that they were back home. Back to being partners, back to the fights, back to the courtroom battles. He longed for that aspect of his life because it made him feel so alive. What if that was taken away too? What if all the 'action' had forever awoken something inside of him and taken away his love for the law.

With a final huff, he opened up the door and walked onto the JAG floor. "Here goes nothing." He headed towards the double glass doors. Whatever Harm expected to return back to, this wasn't it. In the bullpen, just under the monitors was a large, colorful banner that read: 'Welcome Back Commander Rabb!' He glanced around at his friends and co-workers who had stopped what they were doing to applaud his return. He walked to the center of the bullpen with a bright smile in place. "Wow. . .I wasn't expecting this. Thank you, all of you."

Harriet walked up and gave him a big hug. "Harm," She'd long since stopped calling him 'sir.' "We are so glad you are alright. . .The kids have missed you so much."

"I missed them too, Harriet. . . I'll swing by, I promise." He gave her a final squeeze and went over to Coates who was holding her emotions in check. "Petty Officer. . .You looked like you missed me." He said with a grin.

Coates nodded. "I have, sir. . .If we were in any other location, I'd have hugged you the moment you walked in through the doors. . ." She studied him for a moment, nothing an off look about him. "Are you alright, sir?"

Harm smiled. "I will be." He went through the rest of his friends, stopping for a quick chat with Sturgis and Bud as the others went back to their business. Creswell was in a meeting with the SECNAV, else he would have also welcomed him back. Glancing around, he spotted Mac leaning against her door frame with a wicked grin. "Excuse me, gentlemen." Purposefully, he headed across the bullpen and stepped into Mac's office. "Colonel, are you not happy to have me back?" He closed the door behind him and a second later, her lips were fused onto his. Breaking away, he chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes. . .Thank God the blinds were closed." He said sheepishly, and kissed her this time, softly then backed away. "This whole resisting you at work is going to be hell on my control, woman."

"Woman?" Mac said with a raised brow. She punched him slightly on the arm, then went around to her desk. "Hope you didn't pick up any bad habits while you sat bored at home. . .I mean, I know there are some funky things on TV." She added with a wink and offered him a seat. "So how's it feel?"

"Weird. . .I almost. . .almost didn't come up." He frowned slightly and shook his head. "I, well part of me isn't ready, I don't think. But, I am not sure either. . . Well I am sure that I can not take another day sitting at home."

"It's not like you've never left and come back before, Harm. Flying, the CIA, now this. . .You'll jump back."

He shrugged, sighing deeply. "I know, but this feels different. . .Something happened to me out there."

"Well, I have faith in you. . .and if you ever need anything, I am here, always." Her smile and the softness of her voice made him feel assured, it was nice that someone had some sort of faith in him. At the moment, he didn't have any in himself. "Now, I don't mean to kick you out, but the General gave me a massive list of things to do."

Harm placed a hand over his heart and frowned. "Yep, I knew it, the moment you get a chance, you're back to being mean at me, kicking me out of your office. . ." He said with mock hurt.

In a low, sultry voice, Mac said. "I guess I'll just have to make it up to you later. . . in private."

"I'll hold you to that, Colonel. . ." He opened the door and half stepped out, before turning back with a charming smile. "If neither you nor I are buried under our work, would you like to join me for lunch?"

Mac nodded. "Sure, let's make it around one. . .I have an Article 32 at ten." She was about to open her mouth to say something else when Jen's voice came over the intercom. Creswell needed Harm and Mac in his office. "Well, guess that means he's back from visiting with Sheffield. . .I wonder what's up now."

Harm stood by the door frame and allowed Mac to step out first before following. "What do you mean by that?"

"There's something in the air, you know? I think it has to do with Levine and out involvement in it all.." She headed down the bullpen with Harm in tow, then into Creswell's office. They both stood at attention. "You wanted to see us, sir?"

Creswell nodded. "Coates, please close the hatch. . . You two, at ease and have a seat." He removed his glasses and leaned back into his chair. With an uncharacteristic grin he regarded his two officers. "Well, I must say, it's good to see the two of you in my office again."

"It's good to be back, sir." Harm semi-lied. He had to admit it was nice being 'home.' Now if he could only get his 'sea legs' under him, everything would be alright.

"So, Commander, how was your down time?"

Boring, horrible, torturous. "It was fine, sir. . .I needed the time off. ."

"I assume you told your parents about your resurrection?"

"Yes, sir. .It was a wonderful experience, just not one I'd like to repeat under those circumstances."

"I'll agree. . ." Creswell also went through some odd mixture of jubilation and surrealism when seeing Harm after hearing, for months on end, that he was dead. "I understand you've been seeing a psychologist at Bethesda?"

"Yes, sir. . .Both the Colonel and also the higher ups thought it would be a good idea considering how much time I was in captivity." Harm had only gone once and already he had a falling out with the shrink, Dr. McCool's colleague, Lt. Commander Martha Sexton. "I have an appointment today at three."

"Not a problem, just let me know ahead of time when you have the appointments, we'll work them around your schedule." Creswell had an odd feeling that all was not well with Rabb, there was something in the younger man's eyes, a fire that seemed to be extinguished. He figured the best way to remedy that was to throw him into some work with his partner. "Well, down to business. . . .You and the colonel have been cleared of any wrong doing. Resurrecting you was a bit of a. . .pain, but we managed. . . I know you'll want me to throw you to the sharks right off, but it's been a few months, and, at the moment, our case load is. . ."

"Pathetic." Mac supplied with a glance towards Harm. Glancing up at Creswell she saw the annoyed look he was shooting her and quickly she tried to cover. "My apologies, sir. No case is beneath us, it just seems to be that our fellow servicemen and women have been behaving themselves."

Creswell couldn't argue that point, the cases they'd been receiving as of late wouldn't even challenge a newbie. "Yes, well. . .I'm sure with the Commander back, we'll get some fun cases. . .but, in the meantime. . .Colonel, I would like the Commander to sit second chair in the Payton court-martial."

The former Harm would have argued, but considering his hesitancy in just walking into the office, he conceded. "I'd be happy to help the Colonel."

"Well, don't be too enthusiastic, Commander, it's just a petty larceny case. . .Dismissed." Harm and Mac came to attention and then made to walk out of the office when Creswell stopped them. "Oh, and Commander? . . . welcome back."

2015 Zulu
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland

"You're late Commander." Dr. Sexton said with a smile. The Lt. Commander had been suggested with high regards from Dr. McCool who would have seen Harm, but was concerned about the things she already knew. To her, it was unethical, so she made the suggestion to have her speak to her colleague. Dr. Sexton was an attractive woman in her mid-fifties with short black hair and a smile that genuine conveyed that she wanted to help people. "Have a seat."

Harm stood at the doorway, his cover in his hand glancing hesitantly into the office. "I ah. . .sorry, my pa-partner and I had court, it ran a bit late." He closed the door behind him and walked to the sofa that Sexton preferred her patients to sit on. It was not overly comfortable, and purposely so, because it wouldn't allow for her client to become overly comfortable either. "About the other day, I am sorry for the outburst, it isn't like me."

He'd been calm during the whole session, giving information that he could, considering most was classified. But, somewhere along the lines of him discussing the woman that had been the only constant in his life, something had snapped. It happened when Sexton asked him one, simple question. 'Why did you wait so long?' From there came a whole slue of emotions dating back to Diane, the night he kissed Mac at the docks, Australia, Paraguay. He didn't realize how much resentment he felt for Mac because of so many things. And that is what angered him the most, how he could hide that so deep within. "We touched upon some serious things, Commander. . .It's a bump in the road, only a bump." She stood up from behind her desk and sat on the chair across from the sofa. "But I remember you mentioning a nightmare, we never touched upon that." Apart from helping people, she believed in challenging head on, tackling the big problems and working through the smaller ones. Harm was no exception.

It was the same nightmare that brought him out of his bed back in La Jolla, the one with the bad guys and the one man that looked like himself. The one where they were about to attack Mac. "There are some men that have, in the past, tried to hurt my girlfriend. They were in the dream. . . .I was being held back and forced to watch while they attacked her. . . But, there was another guy who looked like me. . .He was sort of leading them on."

Sexton wrote down some notes then studied Harm for a moment. His head hung low in defeat, which was unlike the first day, when the tall Commander walked into her office full of charm and arrogance. Something had chipped in his armor that day, as they spoke and apparently, that chip was breaking him. "Well, let's analyze that for a moment. . .You said they tried to hurt your girlfriend in the past?"

Maybe he said too much? Some of those people were classified to talk about, weren't they? But, did it really matter? According to the doctor-patient confidentiality Dr. Sexton could tell a soul. With a shrug, he decided to keep it simple. "Some of it is classified. . .I. . .I think. . .But I'll tell you what I can and I won't use names."

"Fair enough. . .And take your time, Commander. . .This is a process it isn't a marathon." She was referring to the way his jumbled emotions had him unable to concentrate one more than one thing at time during their previous meeting. He was racing through things, making it difficult for her to hone in on something.

"Well, I guess the first one would be. . .her ex-husband. . . He was a creep, from what little I know about that time frame, he was just a bona fide asshole. . . Then there was a cop who was stalking her. . .Another man, probably the worst of all who she had to physically fight off." He knew he couldn't say the word 'terrorist,' so he tried to keep it as generic as possible. "Another was the man who tried to use her to go after her former boyfriend. . . Then there was me. . .only it wasn't me."

Sexton nodded. "Explain that last part."

"I was behind held back so that I couldn't reach her when. . . a version of myself walked out." That was the part that bugged him the most. Why did he appear with all of those that threatened to hurt her so badly? "I've hurt her in the past, emotionally. . .but, those men, they would have hurt her physically. . . I'd never do that. . . never." No, he wouldn't, ever do that. Which is why he'd been so apprehensive when they'd made love the first time. He feared the endometriosis would cause intercourse to be painful for her. "And he wasn't me. . .it was like. . .like a monster."

"Have you had this nightmare often?"

Harm nodded. "Within the last week, yes. . .it's been relentless."

Now came a question that just couldn't be asked gingerly. So she shot from the hip, bracing herself for either an admission of guilt or an aggressive denial. "I have to ask this and I do not mean to offend you. . .Have you ever had any desires to hurt your girlfriend physically?"

"No!" He yelled, hating that, on occasion the shrinks had to play both sides of the fence in order to get a reaction. "I'd never hurt her that way. . .I've been angry at her, but I'm not the violent type. . .My way of dealing with stress is much like hers, we go running."

Sexton jotted a few things down, an action that was starting to tick Harm off, but he breathed deeply and dealt with it. If Mac could take the shrink, he would to. "I am sorry, Commander, but I do have to ask certain things. . .sometimes those things will be unpleasant."

"I understand. . .I do. . .and I realize I need to speak to someone about things." And just didn't want to tell Mac about the nightmares for fear of scaring her or worrying her for no reason. At least, not until he understood it himself.

Sexton smiled. "We'll get there, Commander, I promise. . .Now here's some food for thought. . .Maybe you were with your girlfriends aggressors because, as you said, you had hurt her. . .emotionally. . .Perhaps your subconscious mind took it more serious than your conscious one. . . You know, sometimes emotional pain can hurt more than physical pain."

Now that was something he really didn't think about, that the reason why he was with them was because all of them, in their special way, had hurt her. "Sometimes emotional pain can kill. . ." He never understood that whole 'dying of heartache' thing, until this mission with Mac and the night she lay dead in his arms when he couldn't breathe life back into her. He'd have never left her, even if it meant dying beside her. "I wish I could promise that I wouldn't ever hurt her again."

"You can't. . . Things are bound to happen, couples fight. . .But my suggestion is to let the dream go. . .I believe that your are just giving a voice to your fears of hurting her again. . .In a relationship you run that risk. . . Now, let me show you a trick to help you come out of your dreams if they are a bit too hard for you to handle." With a sigh, Harm conceded.

2250 Zulu
Harm's Apartment
North Of Union Station

'Harm, come to your old apartment, I need your Lexus to pick up a few of your things. Love you.' That was the message when he turned on his phone after stepping out of Bethesda. So he headed over, slightly confused as to why she didn't just take his SUV before he left work that afternoon. He was beat, physically and emotionally drained from the session with Sexton. The 'unpleasant' conversation had gotten progressively worse as she challenged his commitment to relationships, specifically his one with Mac. He wasn't sure where it was going, but there was one simple thing he got from it all, a realistic view that he was read to commit. It was a little scary to think he'd be so willing to give all of him to another, but, in reality, he'd already done that. She was the only had dug a hole under his walls and penetrated his inner workings. She's seen him at his best, his worst and everywhere in between. He loved her and he was ready, now all he needed was to shake the nightmares and this funk off and then he'd take the next logical step.

Walking into the building was surreal, much as it had been to walk into JAG ops and his parents house. Nothing felt real or concrete, it was like all of it was part of a past life that he was abruptly walking into. He tried the elevator surprised to see it still working and took the long trip up to the second floor. Stepping out, he saw his normal, metal, unpainted door was ajar and soft rock was playing. "What the?" He said, cautiously poking his head in to find his apartment much as when he had left it.

His leather furniture was in the place he considered his 'living room' as was his desk. The pots were hanging over the island, his black fridge was still there. "What the hell is going on?" Had he stepped into some twilight zone. This place, if he remembered correctly was being rented out. Slowly he headed right towards the bedroom finding his glass kitchen table still intact. As he headed up the two steps to his bedroom he found everything hanging in the closet – uniforms, covers, his bomber jacket, his clothing. And there laying in the center of his bed with just a comforter and a smile was one Sarah MacKenzie. "Surprise, sailor."

After the hellish appointment with Sexton, this was a definitely welcome way to arrive at home. "MacKenzie, what are you up to?"

Enthusiastically, she patted the mattress then curled a finger, beckoning him over. Once he sat next to her, she fused her mouth to his, kissing him deeply as she reveled in the freedom to touch and explore his body. With a satisfied sigh, she broken the kiss and looked into his eyes. "I was talking to your folks and we felt this was the best way to make you feel at home." She'd noticed, that despite his happiness at being alive and well and being with her, Harm still seemed a bit out of it. They'd never discussed what would happen to his apartment, but she and Frank felt that it couldn't just be sold. So Jen had helped her keep it up and in good shape. Actually, Jen did all the work, going to Harm's apartment proved to be one of Mac's many undoings when he was missing for so long. She saw Harm start to smile, the stop as a hesitation filled his eyes. "This doesn't change things between us, at all. . ." She kissed him gently and smiled. "In fact, I plan on spending many nights here with you."

Harm raised an eyebrow in question and sighed dramatically. "Only nights, huh? And what am I going to do during the days? Specifically the weekend when I am here, in the day, all alone."

Mac chuckled. "Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way to keep yourself entertained."

"You're mean, MacKenzie." He lay next to her in bed, propping his head up as he lay on his elbow. His other hand reached out and gently traced her facial features. "God you are beautiful."

It felt good, really good to be so at ease, to know that their promise to still be together was being fulfilled. He took her left hand, the one wearing the band and traced his fingers over it. 'Soon.' He thought. 'Soon, Mac, I'll make this all official.' He tugged her over, holding her close as he let her warmth heal the emotional wounds that were trying to break him. "You okay?" She asked tentatively sensing his immediate change from playful to serious.

"I am just thanking God that we're still alive and together." He glanced down at her and grinned. "Now, earlier today you said you would make up kicking me out of your office. . .the words you used were 'in private.' . . and correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a pretty private place."

"Ah, yes and I wouldn't want to go back on a promise, would I?" With a grin of her own, she kissed him deeply then started giggling as his hands roamed under the comforter.
. . . . . . . . . . .
Britanny - He put it on her left hand, I am sorry thta I forgot to specify. :)

harmfan - Cant tell you who it is. But, suffice to say, the bad guy will do something that hasn't been done before. Or rather it has been done, but just not this way. Hehehe. :)

achaon - Hell no! Not Bugme!

alix33 - Well, some baddies were killed off, yes. . .but Harm and Mac have made a lot of enemies. ;)

Bite Beccy - This wasn't that cliffhangerish! Trust me, some of those will come up and then you'll hate me I know it. :sniffles: oh well :grins: ;)

XBlue - Uh, shut the crowd up now damnit! I have a headache! Sheesh! They cheer all day long, outside my bedroom window at 2am no less! Sheesh!

froggy - Well here is more, hope you have a chance to read it:)