Okay people, repeat after me: CLIFF-HANGER. . .CLIFF-HANGER.

That's your warning for the chapter. ;)

Now, some of you are going to start your – "Neener neener neener" or
"I told you so!" Or
"I knew it! OMG!" and
"I am so the bomb cos I like so knew that he was like the bad dude!" while tossing your hair. Followed by those sadly confused individuals who will go "Huh? Who's HE?"

And okay, fine, SOME of you were right, but like, do you really think I was going to come out and go. "Yo, you! You be totally rockin' aight?" No, I don't think so. I am too mean for that. Sheesh! Oh, did I mention? SEAT BELTS. Preferably those with a harness. You might want to put a helmet on, because this is seriously the most out of whack plot lines I've ever come up with. And this, my friends, is just the beginning. You want a hint! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE HINTS! Okay, just one think of "The Imposter" with a twist. ;)

Jackie, who, sadly, hasn't had sugar or coffee today. Yep, I am naturally hyper. I bet my parents pray thanks to God that there wasn't two of me. ;)

Thanks to: joanoa, smithknk, mariarita, xobabygurlxo, Brittany4445, starryeyes10, jnp, dansingwolf, LiseGirardi, Martini, JadeAlmasy, Dessler, BiteBeccy, aserene, LtjgMegAustin, cbw, southernqt, froggy, harmfan, Judy, jtbwriter, Abigaile, XBlueShadowX, jaggurl, Lurkz, alix33, Nix707, echorage, aserene, chantelmac, Ink, Wuchel, and anyone else I missed for the feedback :) - If you left feedback and are not in this list, lemme know please!

Part 7 – The Killing Words

"It's dangerous
this game we play.
You're killing me with words."
Queensryche. "The Killing Words" Off of the Rage For Order LP.

September 15, 2005
0230 Zulu
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station

The moment she walked in through his apartment, Harm had noticed it, something wasn't right. She was distraught during dinner, his jokes, instead of being met by her laughter were only acknowledged by a small smile. Mac wasn't in the office all day, a case had taken her out of Falls Church and towards Bethesda. While there, she was going to drop by the doctor's office for a check up. And by the looks of things, that hadn't gone very good at all. "Mac, what is it?" Dinner was all he could take with this new, silent version of his girlfriend, Harm needed to know what happened and why she looked like the world had caved in on itself.

"Nothing, Harm. . .I'm just tired tonight, maybe I should just go home?" She made to stand, but Harm's hand on hers kept her there, he was vehement to let her go.

Mentioning that he was a changed man wasn't at all a lie. He had changed, for better, months of capture did that to him. And Harm was damned if he'd let her walk away like that without explanation. "I don't believe 'nothing' is going wrong, Mac. . . Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Mac released herself from his grasp and slowly made her way to the window in the living room. It was raining outside and the streets of DC were as desolate as could be. All day long the weather matched her mood. In the morning, when it was bright and sunny, she had hope. But, as she left Bethesda, the clouds rolled in – hope was gone. For the first time in a long time, Sarah MacKenzie felt utterly hopeless. "I saw Dr. Chen today at Bethesda."

Harm walked slowly across the apartment, settling himself on the coffee table so that he would be near her but not too close just in case. One of the things they'd learn was the fine art of giving space. But, he was itching to hold her, to stop her shoulders from being so slumped down in defeat. "From the looks of it, nothing good came from that appointment?"

She laughed without feeling, then choked on the sob that came from deep within. As Harm made his way to comfort her, Mac moved away bringing up a hand to stop him. "Don't. . .I can't. . .I can't tell you if you're touching me. . .I just. . can't." Truth was, she wanted him holding her, comforting her, telling her that it didn't matter that their dreams to have a baby together were gone. There wasn't even a 4 percent shot.

"Okay." Harm sat back down on the coffee table, his heart aching in ways that were unexplainable. He knew that this had something to do with her conceiving, a subject he was scared to death about touching with her. So, he'd purposely ignored it, but when they were together and saw a young couple with a child, he would notice the change in Mac. Harm would be lying if he said he wasn't curious as to what fatherhood was all about. It filled him with pride in the past to think of Mac, 'barefoot and pregnant' as the line goes, with a child they conceived out of love. But, after their conversation during the dining out and her unwillingness to brush the subject at all, he realized that he didn't need that whole package deal. Just being with her, even if it was just the two of them forever, was everything that he wanted and more. "Mac?"

"It's official, I can't have kids. . .at all. . ." Mac blurted out while she still had the nerve for it. She was more that mildly surprised that he didn't answer her at all, even if to interject that there were methods they could pursue. Maybe, he'd already given up? Turning slightly, she glared at him with an odd expression of disgust. "You're not going to say anything?"

Harm shook his head slightly. "I don't know what to say, Mac. . .I know you want kids, I know I would like to have them too. . .But, everything happens for a reason." Perhaps that wasn't the best way to word things?

"Everything happens for a reason?" She yelled at him in exasperation. Whatever she'd planned for his response, this wasn't it, it wasn't it at all. She was hoping he'd be supportive, that, for her sake, he'd remain pessimistic, assuring her that they'd try every avenue possible to conceive. But he didn't and, to Mac, his logic just didn't cut it. "Everything happens for a reason?. . . And what reason would it be for me not to be able to have children, Harm? Huh? Tell me!"

"Mac, calm down." He often found himself using kid gloves when it came to arguments with Mac. Though he had changed, the foot in the mouth problem seemed to be a permanent disease of his.

But, Mac was already on overdrive. "I know I've done horrible things in my past, but this. . .Jesus Christ can't I get a break?" She placed her hands on the windowsill, balancing herself as the overwhelming feeling to just break things passed through her mind. During her drive home, there was one thing, one stupid memory that was vehement in driving her insane. There was a reason for all of this, maybe it was a punishment from a higher power for the life she'd lost a lifetime ago. "I was pregnant once."

This time, Harm didn't sit on by, he was at her side in an instant. "Sarah?" But it was almost as if she didn't hear him, she was gripped in some trance.

"When I crashed, that night of my high school graduation. . . I was almost three months pregnant. I was confused and Chris was in jail, he was going to be locked up for five years. . . I was so drunk out of my mind and pissed off at the world to even think of being careful in my condition." She remembered, after waking in the hospital, the looks the nurses were giving her as if she had the plague or some sort of evil disease.

Absentmindedly her hands came to her abdomen and thoughts of the crash bombarded her psyche. 'Is my baby, okay?' An eighteen year old, Sarah Ragle asked as her scared eyes wandered the unfamiliar room. 'Uncle Matt, is my baby okay?' But, he didn't have to answer her, the look in his eyes was enough. "Apparently, after the crash, my body went into shock. . .and I miscarried."

Harm wrapped his arms around her, thankful that, this time, she wouldn't pull away from him. "I'm sorry, Sarah." Somehow, 'sorry' was the most petty word he could say. The woman that he loved was suffering, had suffered and all he could say was a simple 'I'm sorry.'

It was true, his need to right everything wrong in the world was never going to be pacified, but, at least, he needed to right things in her world. As they held each other, at that particular moment, he remembered that Superman movie, where he spun around the world and turned back time to save Lois Lane. Right now, he wished he had the powers to turn back time all the way to Mac's conception and somehow, made sure that she'd wound up with a family deserving of her. It occurred to him that, if that were the case, they never would have met, but he'd sacrifice that, if it meant that she were happy. "Tell me what I can do." The words came out desperately, because he needed to know he could help her in some way, that something was salvageable.

Mac turned away from him again and Harm felt that instant separation. "Run. . .run away from me before you're the next casualty in my life." She glanced at him, with tears rolling down her cheeks. "Please, Harm. . .just get away from me. . .let me go."

Her voice, her eyes, the tears, it was too much for him. Deep within, Harm felt something gripping his heart, trying to straggle it from feeling, but it was no use. One thing was for sure, he wasn't giving up on her or on them, not for anything in the world. "I'm not running and you aren't either. . . We'll go through this, together, Mac. . ." She went to interrupt, but Harm stopped her. "I'm not going to let you go through this alone."

The want to believe him was smothered by the failures of her past. It was no secret that she had poor taste in men, save for Harm, but, sometimes, even when the right men had come along, she'd manage to sabotage their relationship was well. So, to Mac, it was only a matter of time before his interest did, indeed fade. "Until when?"

"What?"

"Until when? . . .Harm, I can't have babies, at all. . .I don't even have a four percent chance. . I can't carry a child, no invitro, no other funky scientific method. . .I can't carry a child." And that was the problem with it all, not the fact that she couldn't conceive, but the truth that she couldn't carry a child. More over, she couldn't carry his child. "I wont do surrogacy, I refuse to put any woman though the pain of losing something they had a nine month bond with."

Harm understood, truthfully, out of all of the options he weighed, he wasn't too sure he wanted anyone else carrying his and Mac's child. "I wouldn't either. . . but we can adopt."

Mac shook her head. "And forever you would resent me because I couldn't have your child, your blood. . .I won't put you through that."

"Maybe, I want to be put through that. . . I don't care how it happens, Mac. . .Honestly, I don't care if it happens. . .All I care about is being with you."

But Mac had heard enough, this couldn't be happening. "It's important for you to carry your father's name. . .And I am not going to deny you that." She headed towards the sofa, grabbed her purse and headed for the door. Harm arrived before she did, blocking the door with his larger frame. With tear filled eyes she looked up at him. "Harm, please, just let me go." The words came out in a whisper.

At once, his arms wrapped around her, tightly holding her smaller figure to his. Harm wasn't letting it end this way and he refused to let her go, not now, not ever. "I love you, Sarah. . .I don't know what I have to do to prove that, but I do."

"I love you too, Harm. . .That's why I don't want to put you through. . ." Her words cut short as his lips pressed onto her own. But, she didn't allow for it to escalate and instead, pushed Harm away. "No. . .You can't just fix things with a kiss. . .It doesn't work that way."

Harm stepped back from her, slightly angered. "I've never ever felt this way about someone!. . . I have this want, this. . .NEED to consume you to make you mine forever. . .to take away your pain, even the ones I didn't cause. . .I didn't feel that about Jordan or Annie. . .I sure as hell didn't feel like that about Renee, nor even Diane. . . Non of them come even close to what this is. . ." He waved a hand between the two of them, pausing slightly to get his bearings. Somehow, even the nightmares he was having weren't any worse than this. "And you know it scares the shit out of me that I need you this much . . If I feared losing you before. . .now, it's worse. . .And I want to be your hero and I want to fix things, but there are something I can't fix. . .There are some things about me you can't fix. . .And that's fine, because non of us are perfect so. . .so. . please, don't. . .don't destroy us over this."

"You don't know what this like Harm. . .You don't know what it's like to have a gift stripped away like this. . . I've always wanted to carry a child. . .To feel what Harriet did every time the baby kicked. To know that there was a life growing inside of me that you and I created out love, not some stupid promise." Mac said quietly, her arms wrapped around herself. "We made a promise. . .and I broke it."

Daring himself, Harm stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. "You didn't break it. . .And have you ever thought there is a reason for all of this?" Tucking his hand under her chin he lifted her head up and looked her in the eye. "In the grand scheme of things, maybe there is a reason for this."

"What reason could their be?"

"I don't know. . .But, what I do know is that I love you. . .I am not going to stop loving you. . .You said you wouldn't let me walk away from us, I am not going to let you either." Without a moments hesitation, he kissed her again, gently, loving. Mac returned the kiss with earnest allowing for him to heal the pains she was feeling. In truth, even as much as she desired to have a child of her own, she wanted Harm before anything else. And it wasn't a means to settle, he wasn't the fall back plan. He was everything for her. Everything and so much more. In a quick move he managed to slip the purse off of her shoulder and toss it towards his sofa. As her lips parted from his Mac gave him an amused grin. "You're sneaky, Rabb."

"I don't want you to go, Mac. . .Understand this, I need you. . .And if you think you are putting me in some half life, you aren't." Grabbing her shoulders, Harm turned Mac until they were both facing the dinner table. "Now, I made a very nice chocolate cheesecake for a certain chocoholic I know."

Mac turned back to Harm and took his hand. "You know, you don't play fair." She left him by the table, then headed upwards towards his room. "I need to clean up a moment, okay?"

"Sure, yea." Harm breathed a sigh of relief when she disappeared into the bathroom. He knew this was going to happen, in fact, a slight part of him waited with baited breath for it. It wasn't any easier for him though, it wasn't him with the medical issues, if anything, it was worse because he couldn't do a damned thing about it. These past minutes had been a battle for him that left him drained and scared to death. He didn't want to lose her over this, over what he'd said or how he felt. Sure, he'd love to carry the Rabb name, but that wasn't going to happen unless it happened between him and his Marine.

When Mac came out of the bathroom, Harm had set two cups of coffee and two plates of cheesecake over in the living room. She crossed the apartment and settled herself into his arms. For all the bravado, all the feelings to just pretend her outbreak didn't happen, she knew it would haunt them, and they didn't need a pink elephant in the room. She could count with both hands the amount of times she'd allowed herself to cry in front of others, all of the times she'd recovered or hid, but this time, this time, she needed to get it out.

Harm held her as she cried on his shoulder for the loss she felt, for all of the wrong things that had happened to her. Truthfully, he cried as well, all the while promising her that he'd never leave and that it would be okay. And it would, he believe that because he believed in them and knew she did too. When she was done, he wiped the tears from her eyes. "I think we'll save the cheesecake for tomorrow, you need to rest."

Mac nodded. "As long as you come with me. . .I feel safe when you lie next to me."

"Just get ready for bed, Mac. . .I'll clean up and join you in about ten minutes." He set off to clear the table and clean all of the plates and silverware. As he worked, he wasn't oblivious to her eyes on him. He felt the intensity of them, though not in a sexual way, it was mainly in admiration. After making sure the windows and doors were locked, Harm stripped down to his boxer briefs and slid in bed next to Mac. "I love you, Sarah."

"I love you, too." She sleepily said as his warm, comforting arms slid around her.

1310 Zulu
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Harm strode purposefully through the bullpen carrying one single white rose which he'd stolen from the rose garden that had, out of the blue, started growing outside of JAG ops. In the morning, he'd woken up to an empty bed and a fresh pot of coffee. That was normal, it was understood that the other half would get up early in the morning and head home to get ready for the day. There was a note next to the pot sprawled in Mac's cursive. 'I'm sorry for ruining desert last night. I guess we still have to talk about all of that, but I promise not to freak out if you won't. How about we go through options tonight, over cheesecake? Love you, Mac.'

As he turned to head into Mac's office, he found it dark with the blinds drawn. That was odd, as far as he remembered, she didn't have to go anywhere today. Just the opposite, she had court in an hour and it wasn't like Mac to just not show up. Confused, he headed towards his office, walking in to find no note, nothing as to where Mac could be. Harm set this briefcase and cover on his desk, then reached over to grab the phone in order to call her cell phone. Halfway though dialing the numbers, Coates appeared at his door. "Morning Sir, the General would like to see you ASAP. . . He sounds urgent."

Urgent? Something about that word had him already thinking the worst. Harm literally felt the color drain from his face. "Is it about Mac, uh. .I mean, the Colonel?" How did he know? How did he sense it, that something was off keel?

Jen shook her head. "He didn't say, sir. . . Only mentioned that I should keep an eye out for you."

"I'll be right there, Coates." Harm took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. He was overacting, Mac was fine, probably just a little late. They didn't exactly have the world's best conversation last night, it was understandable for her to be a bit late, wasn't it? Out of their own volition, his fingers reached for the phone. Trying her cell had been a futile attempt. Her cell went straight to voicemail and home phone went to her answering machine. "She's fine, Rabb, don't be so melodramatic."

Still, something tugged at him as he made his way through the bullpen and straight into Creswell's office. The General was standing behind his desk with an expression that seemed though he'd recently lost someone close to him. "Harm, have a seat."

Now that couldn't be a good. When a CO addresses you by your first name, it's never a good sign. Stoically, Harm stood straight, his muscles tensing slightly at the odd look the General was giving him. "If it's all the same, I prefer to stand, sir."

"I need to ask you something. . .And it's important."

This was not going to be easy. Whatever people believed about Harm and Mac, the truth was that they were together. It may not have been discussed openly with him, but the looks, the conversation, the fact that the two happened to be super glued together was more than just a little Stockholm's syndrome of sorts. They loved each other, even a blind man could see that. Which is why this would be so difficult. In conversation with AJ Chegwidden, the two had discussed Harm and Mac and how the two seemed to miss more than connect. And now, another wrench was thrown into the works. He straightened himself, tried to remain stoic and more like a CO than a friend. Without preamble the words came out, "Who is Clark Palmer?"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wuchel - If you get busted for reading it at school it's not my fault! Just tell the teacher not to be so nosy. ;)

jtbwriter - Nope! No more guessing. Now question is, isn't it or is it Palmer? ;) Muahahaa

LgtJGMeg -Yep, they're dead, but, I can always create an enemy. Or bring peple back from the dead, or. ..:gasp: Maybe it isn't Palmer? ;)

Aserene - Yea AJ's line cracked me up when I wrote it.

alix - Need to e-mail me offlist since I can't type in urls here radiorox(at)bellsouth(dot)net

southernqt - Half right there! Close, very close. There will be no murder of Mac or Harm, but something else is going to happen.

Brittany - See! They made up! Course now there might be a problem. :)

Moonlight - Close, but your idea is a bit off. :D

Martini - Oh heads are out of their sixes but yea, ummm problems are ahead. ;)

nk - My pleasure!