Chapter 35

I drove around aimlessly for a couple of hours, keeping to country lanes where I could pick up a good speed on my bike. Furious thoughts kept rushing through my mind.

How dare he say those things to me?

Who does he think he is?

Who is he to judge me, especially after he ran away after Maralee?

That last thought made me brake sharply. I stared ahead, wondering why I had thought that. That was just unfair…

God, how had I screwed this up so badly? I was about forty miles from home by now and I could see that it was going to start raining. I turned my bike around and started back. But there was no way that I would go back to the Manor yet. I was being completely selfish, but I wanted Erik to feel bad about what he had said.

Even if it was true.

When I got back to town, I went to a small café. Not the one I usually went to, I didn't want to risk running into anyone. I sat at the counter, staring blankly down at the coffee in front of me, wondering what I should do next.

I knew what I should do. I should go to Erik and admit that he was right. Because, as much as I hated to admit it, he was right. What was I saying, he's always right.

When did I get like this, I wondered? When did I become such a selfish person? Because that's what I was. Selfish, through and through. I had refused to help Dad, I had broken up with Raoul to suit my own needs, I had just walked out on Erik, gone behind his back to see Nadir and his mother…

I sipped the coffee and then put it down again. I had taken advantage of Erik. Maybe I had from the beginning. The music lessons, always going to the Manor when I couldn't face anyone else. I had used him. I loved him, that was true. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone in my whole life.

But was that enough? Could the fact that I loved him wipe out my other sins?

I jumped as the waitress spoke to me. She looked a little concerned.

"Sorry?" I asked.

"I said, can I get you anything else?"

"Oh… yes, I'll take a sandwich." I said, gesturing at a plate.

"What kind?"

"Tuna." She placed it in front of me and turned to serve someone else.

I bit into the sandwich and chewed slowly, drinking some more coffee.

So what now? Did I go back and admit that he was right? Sure my pride would take one hell of a blow, but it would be worth it, right?

Wasn't it me who had told Erik that we weren't going to screw this up again?

Yes. It was. But frankly I was the one who had screwed up. So it was up to me to make things better, right?

But… the fact remained that Erik had said some pretty harsh stuff. Did he really think of me like that? As a stupid little girl who'd let herself get drunk? I bit into the sandwich, a little viciously.

I wasn't going to go back. I'd only been gone for a couple of hours. Erik could wait. For now I wanted to just be alone. I wanted to just sit here and think things through.

Does he love me?

The thought floated across my mind before I could stop it. He said he did, he always assured me of that. But I couldn't help thinking that the only reason that he said it was because there was no one else. If another girl had gone for that job interview, who's to say he wouldn't have gone to her for…

For what? Sex? Erik wasn't the sort of person who would simply want sex without the feelings beside it. He wanted love, he needed it, needed constant reassurance of how I felt about him. Maybe it was that which made me so angry at him. I had told him enough times, but he still constantly doubted me. He was so overprotective, always wanting to know what was going on. He always wanted me around, to say that I love him, to kiss him and hold him. But he nearly always kept his mask on.

What did he want from me? He wanted love, but was he prepared to love me the same way? If he was, surely he could take off the mask. I wondered if he even trusted me at all.

Does he love me?

The thought came again and I rubbed my forehead in despair. I don't know. The answer was I don't know. I think he cared about me, but did he love me? He needed me, needed the love I gave him. But need wasn't the same as love. Was it just comfort? Was that all we had? We both needed it but surely there was something more to it than that.

My mobile began to ring. I looked at the screen to see who it was. Meg I pressed the end call button without answering and turned the phone off. I didn't want to talk to her right now. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I wanted to go home.

Not yet, I told myself firmly. You both need to think about this. Think about what it means.

Does he love me?

I groaned out loud, earning myself an odd look from the waitress.

"Are you OK?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah… just life getting me down."

"I hear that." She grumbled, going to pour some more coffee. I stirred my drink absently as I chewed my sandwich.

So what now? I could go back home, to Dad's house. Meg would let me stay with her, I knew that much. But I wouldn't go running for charity again.

Well, for now I could just sit here. I wondered how long I could stay here before they asked me to leave. I doubted they would, it wasn't exactly busy. There were two other people in the whole café and the waitress was reading a magazine. Clearly she wasn't expecting a crowd to come rushing in at any moment.

Would Erik be angry with me? Entirely possible. Or would he forgive me?

It dawned on me just how little I knew him. I couldn't even know how he'd react to me.

The radio changed songs and I felt a sudden surge of irony as Norah Jones began to play. Cold, Cold Heart, the song I had sung on that day when Erik had heard me and offered me singing lessons.

It seemed a little too fitting right now

The more I learn to care for you

The more we drift apart

Why can't I free your doubtful mind

And melt your cold, cold heart?

I felt an overwhelming urge to burst into tears. Instead I sipped my coffee, biting my lip hard. This was impossible. I couldn't stop thinking about it! I had to do something.

But what? I didn't want to go crawling back.

"Refill?" the waitress offered and I nodded. She eyed me as she filled my cup.

"Men troubles?"

"How can you tell?" I muttered.

"I'd know that look anywhere. Don't worry about it, he's probably not worth it." She said. I looked down at my drink.

"He is. I just… you ever get that feeling where you know that you've seriously screwed up but are too stubborn to admit it?"

"All the time." She said airily, "A bit of grovelling usually solves the problem."

"It won't solve this one."

She looked at me for a moment and then said,

"Are you sure he'd worth it?"

"He's definitely worth it. I don't deserve someone like him."

"Don't say that."

"Oh, it's true. We just got fighting and he said something that was completely true and I just went crazy. This is all my fault."

"It takes two to tango." The waitress pointed out. I shrugged.

"I just can't face him right now."

"Well, it's not like we're rushed off our feet in here. Just think things through properly before you go running off, OK?"

"Thanks." I said, smiling weakly. She winked at me and went into the kitchen.

I began to think things through again. Mostly, what I would do next. I couldn't leave Erik. That idea was incomprehensible. I loved him, even if he didn't love me. But could we survive another blow?

I looked down at the promise ring on my right hand.

"I promise that… that I love you. And that I'll stay with you. No matter what."

That's what he'd said when he gave me the ring. No matter what. No matter what.

No matter what.

I knew that I was in the wrong.

I knew it was true.

It did take two to tango, but it only took one person to hurt anther. I had hurt him. All because he'd said what I didn't want to hear.

"Oh, god, what have I done?" I whispered to myself in horror.

At that moment a man ran into the café, wet from the rain, and the waitress came out form the kitchen.

"You're late, Joe, your shift started five minutes ago."

"I know. Put on the local news!" he gestured at the television. The waitress did so, changing the channel. It was in the middle of a special broadcast, with a reporter stood, talking quickly.

"It isn't yet known how the fire started, and the fire brigade are still struggling to stop it." She said, her face serious.

The face of the studio presenter.

"Do we know if anyone is inside the building?"

"No, locals are telling me that only two people live here but we don't know if there was anyone inside when the fire started."

The waitress looked at Joe.

"What is this?"

"You know that big old house, north of town? What's it called…? The Manor? It's on fire. Look, there!" He pointed at the screen. I felt an icy hand grip my heart and I couldn't breathe as the camera zoomed in on my home. Flames were leaping up, smoke billowing out. Fire-fighters with houses were shooting water, trying to stop the fire from spreading.

"The chief fire-fighter has informed us that if anyone is inside the building, it is unlikely that they will have survived. We're talking to the chief now-" the reporter said. I didn't hear anymore. My cup slipped from my shaking hand and smashed. The waitress looked at me.

"Are you OK?"

"Oh my god…" I whispered. Then I grabbed my helmet and jacket, running out to my bike. I jammed the helmet over my head, my blood pounding through me and my hands shaking. But only one thought was rushing through my brain now.

Erik…

A/N: Ooh, my. I bet you're hating me for this one. Don't worry; I'm currently on study leave so the next chapter is already written. But I'm not going to post it until tomorrow. Hee hee, I'm so nasty. Because I love leaving cliff-hangers and seeing the reactions I get! Lol

Have any of you listened to that song from the DVD 'No One Would Listen?' it's on the second disc. Oh my god, why the hell did they cut that out? It's gorgeous and we missed out on two minutes and 22 seconds of Gerard Butler!

Lol, anyway. Please leave a review, telling me what you think. Love you loads, Katie.