Chapter 31

In Preparation

A several days later…

Buffy was no longer staying at the hospital; they had finally allowed her to return home, where Buffy had been allowed to stay home until she was ready to go back. Her mother had stayed home from work the first few days but after that Buffy had assured her that she would be fine alone.

It was hard at first, her decision, so many times she wanted to call him, tell him that she needed him, that she'd never meant what she said at the hospital. She could still smell the cigarette smoke and cologne that he'd used to cover it up. It hung around her, soothing and suffocating at the same time.

Her phone laying next to her in the bed and she was constantly picking up the receiver and slamming it back down again as tears made a home in her eyes once again.

By Sunday she was no longer spending the whole day in bed, Buffy spent the weekend preparing for facing Spike again. She was sure that he would confront her again, and she wanted to be ready to end it with him. Unfortunately, she didn't have any classes with him and would have to wait until lunch. She also had to think of what she would say to Cecily and Anya, both of whom she hadn't talked to since Monday at lunch, when she'd broken up with Angelus.

Urg! Angel. His name is Angel. God I have to get Spike out of my head. Why is this so hard? I didn't even lo-. No. I didn't. I know I couldn't have. I couldn't have lo- Urg! I couldn't have felt 'that word' for him because I didn't even care about him. Monday and Tuesday was just acting. It was all for the bet. Yes. It was just the bet. I do not care about Spike. I do not feel that way about him. In fact…I don't even like him. He is just a stupid guy that Cecily picked for the bet. OH MY GOD! …I didn't even thank him for saving my life!

Buffy sighed, she completely hated herself. Okay, so I'll thank him for saving me, because if it weren't for him…I don't want to think about what would have happened. I have to at least thank him. But that's it, because I don't care about him, I don't like him and I absolutely positively do not under any circumstances have 'that feeling' for him. He is a foul creature and it is only because he saved my life that I will thank him.

Buffy sighed, satisfied with her thoughts.

She looked at the clock, 10: 30 pm; her day had been well spent. She woke up after 4pm, cleaned her room, did her homework, ate dinner, and thoroughly prepared herself for ending whatever it was that she'd had with Spike the last few days.

Buffy lay down and smiled at her ceiling, hopefully things would be better from now on. She wouldn't have to hurt any more, the walls were coming back up and this time they would be stronger than ever. No one would ever penetrate them again.

I am a Slayer now…and forever.