Chapter 33

In Love and Pain

The day passed pretty quickly for her, but then again she was too busy reassuring herself to pay attention. She couldn't understand why this was bothering her so much; first of all it was just Spike. He didn't care about her that much anyways. And second of all, she was a slayer; this was supposed to be fun and easy.

But it wasn't, it was hard and for some reason it hurt too. Her conscience was telling her how horrible she was and how evil she was being, and some how her conscience sounded a lot like Dawn. But she just pushed back the feeling, this one seemed a bit worst than the rest of them, this one was guilt.

But she was a Slaye, she was not about to let this get in her way, she would do this now and forget about it later. That's what she did with the rest of them; of course the guilt hadn't been as bad with the others.

By the time lunch rolled around, she wasn't even hungry; she just wanted to get this thing over with. Right away when she sat down, Buffy noticed the empty seat that was normally occupied by Anya.

Cecily was munching on her granola bar and watching Buffy, "I don't know where she is, I haven't talked to her in days and now that I think about it, you haven't called me either. What's going on with you two?"

Buffy shrugged, "I-I haven't talked to her either,"

"There she is now but- oh my god! I can not believe what she is wearing! Would you look at that?" Cecily stood up and pulled Buffy up with her.

Buffy turned her head towards the entrance to the cafeteria and saw Anya and Andrew walking towards the lunch line. Anya was wearing a pair of black jeans and a black hoodie that had the words 'Dingoes at My Baby' written across the front in dark red letters. She had on a pair of black and pink 'Vans' with pink and black checkered shoelaces.

Anya was smiling and laughing as she and Andrew got their lunch, but stopped when she saw Buffy and Cecily starring at her. Andrew turned his head in the direction that she was looking and mumbled something into her ear which made her smile and nod.

Cecily sat down and glared at Anya as she walked over to the table, Buffy shot Cecily a look and smiled at Anya.

"Hey, what's with the change in attire?"

Anya put an arm around Andrew and kissed him on the cheek, "I'll be along in a sec sweetie you go on ahead." Handing him her tray.

Andrew took her tray with his free hand, "You sure cuz I don't mind staying here. I could stay if you want; I don't mind it at all you know."

Anya nodded, "You should go, I'm coming." Andrew nodded and walked over to the table that he shared with his friends.

Buffy watched him go to the table, Spike wasn't there yet, then she turned back to her friend, "What's going on?

Anya glanced across the lunch room at Andrew, then down at Cecily who was looking awfully pissed and then back to Buffy, "Buffy I think I'm done with this 'Slayer' business, I'm happy with Andrew and I no longer feel the need for revenge, I really think my vengeance days are over, I want out of this whole 'Slayer' deal."

Buffy was saddened that Anya was deciding to leave them but she did exactly what she'd told Spike she would do, let her go. "I'm really glad that things have changed for you Anya, Andrew does seem like a sweet guy."

Anya nodded, "He's my sweet guy." Reminding her.

Buffy smiled, "He is, and I hope you'll be happy with him and your decision. We are gonna miss you but I guess being a Slayer just isn't for some people."

Anya grinned, "Oh it was definitely for me but now that I have Andrew I do not need to inflict pain upon other men. Thank you for being so great about this Buffy, you're a great friend."

"No problem and you're always welcome back anytime things go wrong again."

Anya nodded and smiled, "Thanks but I don't think I will be coming back unless of course I am attacked by a bunch of evil bunnies and Andrew is nowhere to be found, because you know he's scared of bunnies too."

"I still don't get that, don't think I ever will."

Anya shrugged and held out her hand, "It was great doing business with you, now I must join my boyfriend shaped friend and get to know his friends." They shook hands and Buffy watched her walk off and slide into the seat next to Andrew and begin eating his French fries.

As she sat back down in her seat she looked at Cecily, "You could have at least said good bye, she was your friend."

Cecily glared at her, "That was before she became a traitor. I should have known that she couldn't handle this job. Anya isn't like us; she is too easily distracted and influenced. You should not have let her go."

Buffy shook her head, "That would not have been fair, you know that. Anya is happy now, what would be the point of her being here if she didn't need to be? Besides I don't want to force her to do anything that she didn't want to do."

"Whatever."

Buffy sighed and looked at her watch, the period would be over in twenty minutes and Spike was still nowhere to be seen, she thought about asking his friends if they'd seen him at all but Faith was there, and she hated her. Faith had never liked Buffy or Cecily (for obvious reasons) and took any chance she got to poke fun at them.

Buffy sighed and looked at her watch again, then at the door. She continued this process a few times before finally deciding to just go over and ask them.

When she walked up to the table each one of them looked up at her.

Faith looked angry that a Slayer had dared approach that table, "What the Hell do you want?"

Willow gave her a small shove and told her to be nice then she turned to Buffy and smiled, "What's up?"

Buffy smiled slightly when Willow spoke to her, she seemed like a genuinely nice person, "I was just wondering if you've seen Spike anywhere, I need to talk to him."

Andrew stuck a french-fry in his mouth and nodded, "Anya and I ran into him in the hallway, he was coming from the nurses office, said he had to go back to the chemistry lab and get his stuff. He should be here any second now, is it important?"

Buff nodded the smile leaving her face, "Yeah it is."

Willow pointed to the seat next to her, "You can sit down and wait for him."

Buffy nodded and sat down, "Where's Oz? He's your boyfriend right?"

Willow nodded and smiled surprised that the Slayer knew about it, "Yeah, he usually sits there but he is in Los Angeles with his band, they have a gig out there tomorrow morning and have to start setting up the equipment and stuff, but he will be back in a few days."

"Cool."

Buffy looked around the table eyes resting on the spot that she knew to be Spike's, She remembered the first time that she saw him in front of the school while she had been waiting for Cecily and Anya. She had been interested in him from the start mainly because somehow she had never seen him around the school before, but now she realized that it was probably because she'd been too busy worrying about Slayer stuff to pay any real attention to everyone else around her.

When Buffy had first arrived in Sunnydale the last thing on her mind had been friends, she was still hurting from what had happened to her, angry that she'd allowed it to happen and wanting to get even.

She knew Cecily wasn't really her friend, just another Slayer, some one who had also been hurt. She had been a little closer with Anya than Cecily. Anya had arrived in Sunnydale a few months after Buffy, heart broken and upset.

Buffy looked up as the hairs on that back of her neck stood on end, Spike had just arrived. Buffy bit down a smile and reminded herself why she'd been looking for him. This was to break things off with him for good.

She stood up, thanked Willow for letting her wait at their table and walked back to her own table. Cecily looked up as she sat down.

"Where have you been?"

Buffy continued to watch him as he grabbed a bag of potato chips, "I was looking for someone," Just as Spike was passing the table she stood up, "And here he is." She walked around the table and stopped right in front of him.

Spike looked down at her, "What is it?"

Buffy starred at him a second before answering, "We need to talk."

Spike chuckled; "Now you want to talk, about a week ago you wouldn't even let me visit you in your hospital room." he opened the bag of chips.

Cecily turned around at that, "Why were you in the hospital?" but she was ignored.

"Spike, we have to talk."

Spike stuffed a bunch of chips in his mouth, "Talk."

Buffy grabbed the bag of chips and threw it across the lunch room, "This is serious and I can't talk to you if you're eating!"

Spike sighed and looked at her, he was trying to stay relaxed, he knew what was coming but he hadn't quite prepared himself for it, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Us."

"Us?"

"This isn't going to work Spike, me and you."

"Why not? We were getting along well enough."

Buffy shook her head, "Maybe you thought that but it is far from true Spike."

"Really now? All that was just an act, you were pretending to get a detention so that you could spend time with the bloke that you hate and then pretend to like him?"

Cecily was still watching and still listening to the conversation, "You got a detention? God Buffy, it was just a bet. I didn't mean for you to get all, serious about it."

Spike starred at Cecily for a second confusion written all over his face, "What bet?"

Buffy looked down, she had never wanted him to find out about that.

A wicked grin spread on Cecily's face and she stood up, "I made a bet with your beloved Buffy, I thought she was going soft so I bet that she couldn't get you to fall in love with her."

Buffy looked up at Spike expecting to see hurt but instead all she saw was the anger in his eyes, "Spike I-"

"You bloody used me!" he shouted getting the attention of everyone in the lunch room.

Panic swept over her, this was going all wrong, "Spike it's not like that."

"While I was trying to help you get over what ever your bloody problem is you were using me for your stupid bet!"

"Spike I agreed to it but I never really acted on it except for that time when we went to that bar."

"I knew something was up, why would a slayer ask us on a sodding date unless it was for her own selfish reasons."

"Spike that's not true, the time that we spent together after that was real."

"And how do I know that? You lied to me, I told you on the beach that I cared about you and you said you cared about me too, that was a lie and you know it."

"You don't understand!" now she was yelling too, everything was going all wrong, this wasn't supposed to happen.

"You're right I don't, because the whole time we were together I was trying to help you get over this thing, do you know why?" Buffy shook her head, "Because ever since I bumped into you that first day, you were all I could think about, I wanted to be with you, and then you had your sodding stuck up attitude and it pissed me off at what you were doing to yourself."

"I thought about you all the time too, I didn't know why. It made me kind of angry, I thought what Cecily said was true."

"What did Cecily tell you? That you were starting to love again, that you were feeling things again. You weren't locked up in your own bloody prison anymore!"

"I was afraid; I made up the Slayers because I was afraid that I would get hurt again. I loved him and I thought he loved me back, but you saw what happened at the beach, he hurt me and I was afraid to be hurt again."

"He was a bloody wanker, you can't judge every guy from one experience!"

Buffy felt a tear sliding down her cheek and she knew that this was far from what she had planned, "I was scared, "she managed to whisper.

Spike sighed, he hadn't meant to make her cry, he just couldn't believe that she'd been using him for a bet, it had angered him. "You can stillfix this Buffy."

"How?"

"End the Slayers."

Buffy stared at him for a second and more tears fell, "I-I can't."

"This isn't right, you're hurting your self more by doing this. End the Slayers, end your pain."

"Spike please, I-I can't do this."

Spike let out a low growl, "I won't give up on you!"

Buffy jumped when he growled and whipped her tears away, "You're wasting your time, then because I told you that I am not going to stop being a slayer."

"Buffy…I…I love you."

He watched as her emerald eyes grow large when she looked at him, and a new set of tears formed in her eyes butshe quickly whipped them away, "Stop."

"It's true Buffy, I love you" a small smile formed on his face, he knew she had feelings for him that she was refusing to acknowledge, and one way or another he would make her admit it.

This isn't supposed to happen, why is he doing this to me? He said he loves me. He can't love me, not Spike. Why does this hurt so much? I know he wants me to say it too. Why won't he just let me be?

The more she thought about it, the angrier it made her, he was doing this on propose he hated the fact that she was a Slayer; he hated the Slayers and only wanted to break them up.

"I know why you're doing this, you hate the Slayers, you wanted to break it up since you found out, and you thought that by pretending to 'fix' my problem you could end the slayers! You don't love me, you can't love me. And I don't love you either!" she shouted

His jaw dropped and he felt as though he'd suddenly lost control of the situation, "I told you that I didn't like the idea of the Slayers, I don't hate it. I love you."

"STOP SAYING THAT! Its over Spike, what ever it is that we had these couple of days is over. You and I are no more."

"Why are you doing this Buffy, we were getting along, having a great time. You let him get to you; destroy you, why aren't you fighting. You're hiding, and you're killing yourself, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Its over Spike, you need to forget about me and move on."

"You are the worst kind of person Summers, the kind that's too afraid to give some one a bloody chance! You want to make everyone else around you hurt the same way you do and when some one wants to help, you shut them out. You have problems, you face them not hide. You wanna know where you'll be if you continue this? You'll be a lonely old women, living off of welfare by yourself in a little apartment, not even a cat to keep you company. Because you push everyone away, when they just wanna help you!"

Buffy stared at him, as his words sunk in she began to cry and ran out the back door of the lunch room and continued running.

Spike watched her go, he knew he'd been hard on her, but he had to. She knew what she was doing, she knew she could stop all this, but for some reason she just refused to. A growl erupted from his throat as he spun on his heel and left the lunch room, his duster flapping behind him.

Of course with all the shouting that had gone on, there had been an audience that had been oblivious to the two, everyone sat in silence, no one ate or spoke for a while, they all seemed to be stuck in a sort of trance that lasted until the bell rang signaling that lunch was over.

No one spoke about what happened; it was something none of them could understand. The rest of the school day was normal, mindless, teenage chatter floating throughout the hallways.

And neither Spike nor Buffy was seen for the rest of the day, Buffy had left through the back door of the lunch room that led outside and Spike had exited by way of the front entrance, so it was assumed that he just left as well.

Somehow the teachers had heard about the argument that took place during lunch and didn't question that whereabouts of the two missing students.

And no one said a word the next day when neither Buffy nor Spike showed up, and when they didn't come back the rest of the week, no one asked about that either. Things just went on as they would normally, although the detention room was empty for the first time since the school opened and Cecily was seen walking by herself through the hallways.