Chasing a Shadow
Part 6 - Confrontation
Author's Note- Sorry about the ending to this one. I promise it will end happily, but the angst has to go on for a little longer. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed!
On Monday Hikaru woke with a start when his alarm and went off and wistfully pulled the covers over his head, wishing he could escape back into his dreams. Unfortunately, he couldn't escape for long since he had a match that morning. A match that he was not in any way prepared for since he had never even heard of his opponent before. More importantly, Touya had a match in the afternoon that he wanted to watch. It was against Kurata and was a much more important match that Hikaru's preliminary. He was hoping to catch Touya after the match and try to apologize again. Not that it would probably do any good. He knew firsthand how stubborn Touya could be if he wanted to. Thinking about the coldness in Touya's eyes directed at him made him feel sick to his stomach. Getting up and facing the world was sounding less and less appealing by the minute.
By the time he managed to drag himself out of bed and throw on his clothes he was running extremely late. He barely had time to grab any food and knew he would be starving later. Maybe he could talk someone into ramen for lunch. The thought of ramen made him remember the times when he went to eat ramen with Touya, and he angrily pushed those thoughts out of his head. Maybe he didn't want ramen for lunch. That would certainly be a first. He mumbled "ittekimasu" and sprinted out the door, certain that he was going to be late.
His match was scheduled to start at nine and he arrived with just seconds to spare. His opponent, a younger pro (but still a lot older than him), Ito Tadashi was already sitting in front of the goban with an irritated look on his face.
"Trying to psyche me out by waiting to show up until the last minute, Shindou?"
"No, actually I overslept," he answered honestly. The other pro just glared at him. Hikaru sighed. This day had been going downhill from the moment he woke up. He reached for the stones and prepared to nigiri. He wasn't going to make it even worse by losing to this arrogant prick.
Hikaru tried to concentrate, but as he got into a rhythm his mind began to drift and he started to think about other things. Like how he wished that he was playing Touya instead of this annoying guy, and how he wished that Touya was still speaking to him. He had never gotten to tell Touya about Sai and now he probably would never be able to. No. He shouldn't give up. Touya couldn't be mad forever, not if he explained things. He stilled a tremor in his hand as he laid another stone.
"Something wrong, Shindou?"
Hikaru glanced down and drew in his breath sharply. The other pro had put him in a difficult position with his last move. He heard a muffled noise from his opponent and saw that he was struggling not to reveal his triumph. Ignoring him for the moment, Hikaru stared at the goban and began reading ahead. There had to be a way to get out of this.
"What's wrong with you today? I thought you were over your mental crisis or whatever it was, but obviously not."
Hikaru felt his face began to heat as he registered the other pro's comments. He knew Ito was baiting him, and trying to get him to screw things up even more. Obviously Ito had heard about his forfeited matches. Hikaru tried hard to ignore the other pro as he worked through the possibilities in his head. He thought he could see a way out of the mess he had gotten himself into, when he sensed rather than saw Touya Akira enter the room.
He fought the impulse to immediately turn and look in Touya's direction. Touya must have arrived early for his match against Kurata. Hikaru tried to ignore him and concentrate on the game at hand, but just knowing that Touya was there made him feel self-conscious. He couldn't lose this game if Touya was watching. Maybe it was stupid to feel more motivated to win because Touya was there, but he justouldn't help it. He had to get himself out of this situation. Currently Ito had trapped him with an atari and things were not looking good. He was losing the battle for the bottom right side, which he should have control over by now. Hikaru scanned the board rapidly once again, looking for something he had missed. Finally he saw the opening that he had been looking for, although it would take all of his concentration to catch up. Luckily, making comebacks when things looked impossible was one of his specialties. Ten minutes later he had turned things to his advantage. Twenty minutes later his arrogant opponent resigned. Breathing a sigh of relief he looked over to see if Touya had been impressed by his big comeback. There were quite a few people watching his game with interest, but Touya was nowhere to be seen.
"Oh, are you looking for your rival?"
"What?" Hikaru was temporarily startled out of his reverie.
"Touya Akira. He didn't even look over here. I heard he used to consider you his rival, but I guess that's not the case anymore. I have to admit you aren't bad though."
"Thanks, I guess." The other pros words were slowly sinking in. Touya hadn't even looked in his direction to see how he was doing. For some reason that thought was more upsetting than it should be. He tried to reason with himself. Of course Touya hadn't looked at his game when he wasn't even speaking to him. This wasn't the first time Touya had ignored him. It still hurt, though. There was no other choice. He was going to have to confront Touya yet again, and try to tell him the truth. He would just have to force him to listen.
Hikaru watched Touya's afternoon game on the monitor and was irritated to note that if anything Touya was playing even better than usual. He obviously wasn't as distracted by the situation as Hikaru was. He did seem to be playing more aggressively, however. And there was still that coldness behind his eyes that made him seem untouchable. Hikaru found it somewhat scary to observe and was glad that he wasn't the one playing Touya for once. He listened quietly as other pros commented on the match and did his best to make himself invisible.
"Wow! Touya-kun's really showing no mercy today. He isn't going to let Kurata-san win easily.
"Yes, he's put Kurata-san in an extremely difficult position. I wonder if he can see it through to the end. Look how he's pushing Kurata-san back."
Hikaru was disappointed when Touya ended up losing by a narrow margin. His aggressiveness in the game had been truly frightening. If that was a sign of how he was going to react to Hikaru's apology maybe he should just give up now. He decided to wait for him in the hallway and try to convince Touya to talk to him alone. That way Touya couldn't run away or yell at him without people thinking it was strange.
He waited for a long time before Touya showed up. He was talking animatedly with Kurata-sensei. Gathering up his courage he approached them. "Can I talk to you outside for a minute, Touya?" Touya looked taken aback, but quickly recovered.
"Sorry, I'm really busy, Shindou. It'll have to be some other time." Touya's eyes flashed darkly at him but his voice betrayed no trace of emotion. Hikaru met his gaze and refused to back down. He was pleased to see Touya flinch slightly and look away.
"Umm…it's really important."
"Oh, go ahead." Kurata patted Touya good-naturedly on the shoulder. "We're pretty much done here. That was a pretty amazing game Touya played there, wasn't it Shindou?"
"Yeah, he was really good." Hikaru tripped over his words and promptly a blush spread across his cheeks. Thankfully, Kurata pretended not to notice.
"I heard you won your preliminary game by making a major comeback. Soon we'll be calling you the comeback kid. Did you see his game, Touya?"
"No." Touya's answer was clipped and Hikaru could tell he was getting more and more irritated with the situation.
"I see." Kurata glanced back and forth between them and Hikaru knew that between his blushing and Touya looking angrily at the wall, he could tell something was amiss. "Well, I'll leave you two to your talk, then. I think you're safe to go home after you finish, Touya. There's one more reporter guy who wants an interview, but I can cover for you."
"You don't have to do that, Kurata-san."
"It's no problem. I think you have some things you and Shindou need to work out."
"Not really." Hikaru heard Touya mumble the words under his breath, but Kurata had already turned to go. Touya turned to face him. "This is going to have to be quick, Shindou. I have things I have to do."
Hikaru was tempted to ask what these important things were, but managed to hold his tongue in the interest of losing his opportunity. "Okay. Let's talk about it outside. There are too many people around here.
"Fine."
Hikaru headed to the door and Touya followed him in stony silence. Hikaru led him to a nearby alley and stopped. The sky was getting dark and there were ominous looking clouds in the distance. Somehow it seemed to suit the situation.
Touya had crossed his arms and was looking at him expectantly. Clearly he was going to have to make the first move.
"I think we need to talk, Touya"
"So you've said." Touya's words were deceivingly calm. Hikaru tried not to think about the devastating game Touya had played earlier that day.
He steeled himself. "The other day, in the park, I shouldn't have run away like that. I'm sorry."
Touya's face was unreadable. "Why did you run away, Shindou?"
Hikaru struggled with himself before answering. He couldn't admit to Touya that he had been afraid. "I don't know." He knew immediately that he had made a mistake when he saw the look on Touya's face.
"This was a waste of time." Touya turned and started walking away.
"Please wait!" Hikaru panicked as he watched Touya disappearing down the alley before his eyes. He couldn't let things end this way. He sprinted after the other boy, grabbing his wrist and swinging him around roughly. "Please, listen to me!" There was a short pause where Touya just stared at him, his eyes wild and hair tousled in the wind.
"No, you listen to me!" Touya shook off his grasp and pushed him hard against the wall of the building. "I'm tired of this, Shindou. I'm tired of you toying with my emotions, and I'm tired of not knowing what you want from me. Sometimes I think you don't even consider me a friend."
"That's not true!" Hikaru felt himself respond to the feel of Touya's body pressed against his. He was barely able to think, much less form a coherent response.
"If you cared about me at all, you wouldn't act so strange around me. You wouldn't run away from me. You obviously don't trust me enough to tell me the truth about Sai."
Touya couldn't disguise the hurt in his voice. Hikaru could feel the other boy shaking against him. "Touya…" Touya's hand now grazed the side of his face, his touch delicate. Hikaru couldn't seem to get any other words out, couldn't seem to think about anything other than the fact that Touya's lips were dangerously close to his. He could feel the warmth of Touya's breath and knew that he wanted to be closer. His hand reached up automatically, intending to pull Touya closer. Just as he registered that thought, he realized that he had waited too long to make his intentions clear. Touya released him roughly and Hikaru felt himself slide to the ground. For some reason his legs no longer seemed able to support his weight.
"Please don't come near me again until you decide what you want." Touya's words were soft and he looked so painfully sad that Hikaru wanted to do something, anything, to make it better. Before he could stop him, however, Touya turned again and ran out of the alley, beyond Hikaru's reach. Fat raindrops splashed his face as Hikaru managed to haul himself to his feet. He looked after Touya and felt his resolve strengthen. He no longer doubted how the other boy felt about him. He wasn't going to let things end this way.