A/N This is my first story and I'm truly embracing clichés. This one is set after "Chimera" and is my point of view on how the whole Sam-Jack-Pete mess started. Please be gentle because English is not my mother tongue and please REVIEW :)) P.S. The song used is Depeche Mode "Goodnight Lovers"
Somewhere in the Heart of me
I unlock my front door, turn the hall lights on, drop the keys on a small table beside the door and the only thing on my mind is: thank God I'm home again! I thought Janet was going to keep me in the infirmary forever and even though after four (was it really only four?) delirious days alone on Prometheus solitude isn't the thing I long for, I am so happy to be home again. I'm still too tired to think straight yet thinking is all I do since I'm back on Earth. A bit more and I'm going to need a shrink. Like that's going to happen! No, Sam Carter can deal with this herself!
I pour myself a glass of wine (they say that it helps you sleep and I definitely might need help) and crush on my couch turning on the radio. I need some music to lose the "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in my head; my brain's too crowded these days anyway!
Now, all I need to do is relax… Dim lights, wine, and sweet and calming sounds of music from the radio… unconsciously I take in the words sung in a wonderful, deep male voice:
"Here, somewhere in the heart of me
There is still a part of me
That cares"
I still care for him and I have no idea how to stop it or if I even want to stop it, for that matter. The bond between us has become so important that I don't think I can live without it. But what if he rally is just a "safe bet"? What if I hold on to these feelings just because a real relationship could hurt me and I might end up alone, torn and shattered?
Great, Sam! Listening to some song and relating it all to you, can it get more cliché? Sounds like a bad movie.
On the other hand I will have to deal with this sooner or later, so why not now? And I keep on listening and thinking.
"And I'll, I'll still take the best you've got
Even though I'm sure it's not
The best for me"
Yeah, I could continue to live like this. It isn't easy, never was and never will be but this is a status quo and I can live with it, really I can. Wasn't it Gabriel Garcia Marques who said that the worst way to long for someone is to be seated next to them and knowing that this person will never be yours? Welcome to my life!
Maybe it would be easier if the reason keeping me and Jack apart would be a woman but no, it's the job we do, our careers and dedication to our work which at the same time make the very core of us. Ironic, isn't it? I long for him because I am the person I am and yet I can't have him because I am who I am. Does that even make sense?
"When you're born a lover
You're born to suffer
Like all soul sisters
And soul brothers"
This brings to mind the words my illusionary dad said: "you think that love must inevitably end in pain, and loneliness." How can you deny that? From all the people close to me (including me) nobody has had love without suffering and all have ended up alone – dad, Daniel, Teal'c, also Jack. There's no such thing as a happy-ending!
But dad also said that he would go trough it all again even knowing the outcome. I know that Daniel would say the same, he would say that having Sha're and losing her was better than not knowing her at all. Guess Teal'c also might agree, he has a son from his marriage with Drey'auc and at least that makes the loss easier to live trough. But I'm not so sure about Jack. He once said that he could never go trough the whole experience again and to that I can relate to the most.
"I, I can see the danger signs
They only help to underline
Your beauty
I'm not looking for an easy ride
True happiness cannot be tried
So easily"
OK, maybe I'm setting my sights for the unattainable but I do love him! Yes, I am in control but I like it that way! Logic and common sense are the basis of my life after all and feelings… Well they're so complicated and illogical. I can calculate time-space dilation or interplanetary shifts in no time but make me define my feelings and I'm caught up! Following your heart instead of your head will make you jump in the unknown and give a damn about consequences. Bottom line – destroy your whole life!
All these years I've been the perfect soldier Sam, how can I give it up for anyone? If I want to make it with Jack one of us would have to give up the soldier part but none of us could live with the thought that the other one has given up so much.
If there was a way out, I would've found it by now. The only alternative in getting a love life is to look for it elsewhere. But can I be with one man and love another? And how could I be with someone to whom I can't even tell anything about the most part of my life without shooting him?
"When you're born a lover
You're born to suffer
Like all soul sisters
And soul brothers
Like all soul sisters
And soul brothers"
If I had let myself to really fall in love with one of the guys who loved me – Martouf, Narim, Orlin – I would have gone trough hell and it already was too hard to lose them. I cried, then buried it and kept on going. If any one of them was more than a friend, what then? Only not giving my heart and harnessing my feelings has kept me from the greatest pain: losing someone I love.
When you lose people as often as we do you learn to keep on living, keep on fighting. But can you keep on loving just as easily? When you lose the ones you love like we all have, can you just move on and love again?
"You can take your time
I'll be waiting in line
You don't even have to give me
The time of day"
I'm waiting in that proverbial line for years but will there be a day when the line ends? Probably, but after how long? And how can I know that it will work between the two of us? What if I wait and put my life on hold for a dream that will never come true? And how can I know that Jack still feels "more than he should"? And what if it really is just a safe bet from my part?
"When you're born a lover
You're born to suffer
Like all soul sisters
And soul brothers
Like all soul sisters
And soul brothers"
The song ends but I'm still tied up in my thoughts. There are too many questions to be answered and this time my head agrees with my heart that I should do something about it. Maybe I should try to look for a relationship? No, I'm not that desperate! I haven't had love life for seven years and I'm kind of used to it. Besides I don't have neither time nor wish to "look" for anything.
But what if I give myself a little promise, just for the sake of experiment? What if I promise that the next time someone asks me out I won't back off and run away? Just to prove myself that someday (and maybe even with Jack when the "waiting in line" ends) I will be able to give all of me to love? One doesn't learn to walk in one day, it's a step-by-step process. I don't have to think about the prospects of living a life with the person I go out on the first date with, not even the possibility of telling him about my secret life. I just have to promise myself to switch off a part of my brain and go with the flow not thinking where I might end up in the end. Got to prove myself that I can! I mean, how hard could it be? And what could possibly go wrong?