Head Trip – Chapter 19 "Walls"
She awoke, alone, totally spent from the effort she had exerted to convince Fifth that she cared for him and would be loyal to his cause. She had to reach into her own mind and create a reality that was almost the exact opposite of who she saw herself to be. She did not choose this duplicitous plan readily. In the end, however, it seemed the only path to her survival, and, quite possibly, the survival of her planet as well.
Even now, as she lay alone in this cold chamber, she could not be sure that her mind game, her portrayal, had convinced him. She vaguely remembered their moments in the garden, her final kiss and embrace, her tempting words to show me your world. What seemed more clear to her was the picture of a Replicator world filled with activity and plans of domination. New worlds to conquer. Did she, indeed, gain access to Fifth's mental landscape? From the images in her mind, now, it did seem so … but she would only know the truth of her situation when her captor returned.
There were feelings as well. It seemed that Sam had not only felt Fifth's excitement and eagerness to pursue missions of conquest, but she also felt something more sinister: his building anger and antagonism towards First. If these memories were accurate, then this animosity towards the Replicator leader could possibly serve her well. She needed to find a way out of this cell, discover what lay beyond these four walls, and then find a way to escape. By fueling Fifth's insubordination, she would possibly gain more freedom herself.
She was tired and despondent. She felt as if her own world had been turned upside down.
There were rules in Carter's world. Even in chaos, there were certain principles that still applied and reassured. This is where Sam was best at her game.
Sam Carter was a scientist and a soldier. Her world, until coming to this planet, was a world of theory and logic, cause and effect. Her brilliant mind could take any mathematical query and reduce it to its simplest factors; likewise, she could take the physical laws of nature and extrapolate and predict future consequences. She was confident in the power of her mind, her power to determine the null hypothesis or the proof positive of whatever reality with which she wrestled. Likewise, she was sure of herself in the field; she knew how to use the weapons of war, and she was learning how to lead in battle. She could trust her mind to provide solutions based on the military knowledge she had acquired.
Here, on this Replicator-infested planet, all bets were off. In order to save herself, Sam had to move from the world of her mind to the world of her heart. By seducing Fifth, Sam had managed to hide her most vulnerable and cherished memories from his probe. She was good at this kind of deception ….
For years, Samantha Carter had survived (quite nicely, thank you) in the mental realm of theories and computations. She had managed to build psychological walls, block upon block like the walls in this cell, to hide behind when the affairs of her heart threatened to upset the logic and order of her mind. The walls began early, with the loss of her mother and the subsequent unavailability of her father. Later, she learned to erect them higher and stronger when feelings of unrequited love haunted her. She had finally met a man who was just as skilled as she at building these walls of defense - walls which could seal out the heartfelt emotions of loss, and desire, and love. In many ways, they were two kindred, and wounded, spirits. They were also two comrades in arms, two friends who would never deliberately jeopardize their military careers because of their unsanctioned feelings for each other.
Jack O'Neill and Sam Carter were master builders. Jack's walls rose higher and stronger as Sam's feelings of love for him increased. And, as O'Neill became more unavailable, Carter, in turn, constructed ever higher and stronger defenses of her own.
The walls they built seemed impenetrable. There were no doors or windows to let someone in or out.
Just like the walls of Sam's cell.