Head Trip – Chapter 21 "Collaboration"

I will survive.

Three simple words kept fueling Carter's determination to find a way out of her prison. She now searched around her cell, once again, to see if there were any physical means of escaping. Her fingers pushed at the tiny silver blocks but felt only a hard, cold resistance. The floor and ceiling were made of the same material, and there was nothing protruding to allow her to climb one of the walls to examine the blue light which was somehow illuminating her cubicle from above. The bluish color added to the chill in the room, and she shivered. Fifth had taken her watch when she was first captured, and between the disorientation from the two mind probes and the solitary confinement, she had lost a realistic sense of time. It could be five hours or five days since this nightmare began.

What did remain real, however, was her strong effort to conceal her own mind from her captor and her attempt to enter his mental landscape. From the images that kept repeating themselves now, it seemed that she had managed to succeed.

Soon the game would be taken to a new and dangerous level. When Fifth returned, his actions would tell her if she had gained his trust. And, then, Sam Carter would have to continue the charade by acting as if she were in love with him.

Sam was uncomfortable playing this role. It seemed like a cruel reminder of what her own life was missing.

Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter lived in a world of men. For years, she had tried hard to meet their standards: first, entering the air force in her father's footsteps, and, then, using her scientific mind and military training to gain a position with the SGC. Often being the only female, she had learned to think masculine in many ways. She had honed her linear, analytical skills, while mastering the art of combat. It was a long, and often lonely road to gain acceptance by her manly peers. In the end, however, she had earned their respect, and the men who served with her were proud to have her by their side. She was now being rewarded by a promotion in rank and responsibility. A leader among men. Yes, there were female officers in the service, but, except for Dr. Janet Fraiser, Sam had never become a member of that sisterhood. The most important people in her life continued to be her male comrades, and her closest ties were forged in the thick of battle with her own SG-1 teammates. She would give her life unquestioningly for them, just as they would do for her.

After many years, she had now come to a point in her life where she felt more free and more in control of her own destiny. She no longer needed to prove herself to anyone. Her occasional moments of self doubt were few and far between. She was confident in her own professional ability to get the job done, no matter how dangerous nor difficult a task lay ahead. As a soldier and a scholar, she liked who she had become. Sam Carter was at the top of her game, physically and intellectually.

But years of proving herself to the male establishment had taken an emotional toll. Her survival skills taught her that objectivity and critical thinking were favored over feelings. So she did what any good soldier would do; she buried the longings and desires of her heart and followed the military rules of engagement at all times. She kept those few moments of human passion hidden beneath a layer of protocol and duty, remembering her CO's mutual agreement to "leave it in the room". It was a male model, and it served her well.

She had not even realized how well, until Fifth had invaded her mind on Orilla and fashioned an image of what he thought to be her desire for love, for security. When the Replicator had appeared to her as a lover, she had rejected him and his false reality. What Fifth never knew, and what she realized at that moment of intense encounter, was that she had buried her true feelings so deep that she managed to hide her most cherished secret, the true identity of the man she loved.

Her captor returned bearing gifts.

Fifth quietly slipped into the room and gazed at his beloved. She was standing, with her head resting against the wall, looking pensive and sad. Did she miss him? He would have liked to watch her like this forever, unguarded and unaware. He wanted to feel her love once again, to dispel any doubts now that they were out of the probe. The touch of her hand, the whisper of her lips on his, still burned in his memory …

But there was work to be done. He would tend to her immediate needs, then take her with him to the control room. First had already left, with a contingent of their brethren, to explore possible relocation sites. The final transfer of the neutronium into the holding cells was almost completed. He wanted to show his beloved the wonder of it all. He was in command and would be the one to replicate their newest brothers and sisters, the final act of creation on this planet. He wanted her by his side, to celebrate with him.

"Samantha, I bring you food and drink."

She turned and smiled warmly. He set the tray on the floor, and Sam welcomed him into her arms. Her kiss was warm upon his lips; her eyes shone bright and inviting. His heart felt as if it would burst with joy.

Once again, she managed to hide her reality, her innermost secrets.

I will survive.