Title: Contradictions
Pairing: hints of c/s
Rating: Pg but a lil sad
Disclaimer: blah blah bleh I don't own it. But if anyone wants to give me Jorja for a day I'd knock her off her feet.
Fb: Yes please puppy eyes
Flipping through aimless television stations, watching each vivid colorful display go by. Stopping to look back on old episodes of that Buffy show, thinking of how love was so cruel. My own love and mind drifting to my wants, my own desires everything just a haze. I wanted her to myself to hold and keep and not be pushed away. Wanted to be not used and suffer and die on my feet for this love. I always hated those damned stories of where prince charming rides up on his horse and saves the girl. Who will save this girl from her own demons her own eternal sleep? Why after time and time again I must repeat my mistakes of love. Same things different face, different problems but all out to get me and hurt me, my own paranoid way of thinking so diluted with my own beliefs I rarely see truth. My own mind tainted with lies and confusion. Yes, let me be the whore of garbage wasteland. Let me wear the thorns upon my wrists to cut deep. Let all those love me never have me and let my cold heart wreak havoc among the masses.
We fought time and time again my own soul breaking with each word. I knew she loved to fight but I was tired of it and tired of her lies. She use to make me feel like I was walking on air now…… nothing but cold and numb to the bone. I wish I could just walk away and stay gone. But even my own coal heart is still aching for her kiss and touch. She passes my line of sight and my heart quickens a little more. I know it'd never work but it doesn't stop me from wondering and wishing. My obsession most would call it wasn't to the unhealthy point I just wished for and dreamed of one day for a chance. One chance to really pick her up and hold her near my heart and make her feel cherished unlike the other she had fucked and loved. I would make love to her with soft caresses and kisses and make love till the sun came up to signal our time to sleep.
As my thoughts drifted I didn't know notice anyone staring at me. My own brain and thoughts had shut down before I realized I was drinking ice cold coffee. I hid my own discomfort with a fake smile and returned to my magazine not even knowing I was reading Family magazine. I looked up seeing if anyone had noticed and the article was on babies. I didn't know why I just shook my head and ignored it as I flipped cautiously through the offending thing. As my eyes finally couldn't take all those happy families in the magazine I shut it throwing the filth in the trash.
As I stayed behind my microscope I thought bout it all. I thought about the book and my own thoughts that hovered. Would I be able to fend out all the attempts in the future of loving grazing my heart? How would I deal if love knocked on my door and I answered getting a kiss? My head ached as my mind switched from scene and questions alike. Who would I be years from now and sad? Or would I have a child and be a single mother like Catherine.
Catherine that name bringing me to a puddle of nerves and anger. I wanted someone I couldn't face, someone that wouldn't dare touch me or love me. My mother was right about me and that no one would want me. Yet I yearned for that piece of heaven for just a moment in time. My own time to show a better part of me, and not get hurt, once again I was my own contradiction.