It was 9:00 on a breezy Friday night. Jamie and I had just left Baskin Robins where we were working on her #52 - try all 31 flavors. Jamie was quiet as we walked through the streets of downtown Beaufort, and I tried to break the awkward silence between us.
"Hey, 12 ice cream cones down, only 19 more to go."
She forced a smile. We passed by my friends coming out of the diner. I worried that Jamie was offended by the look they gave her, but she didn't seem to notice them. I was beginning to wonder what was on her mind - it was unlike Jamie to pass by anyone, even a total stranger, without at least a friendly smile.
"Worried about your college applications"
"No." We turned the corner into the alley behind he diner. "I'm not applying to college."
"I thought you said"
"No, you assumed."
"Gonna take a year off? Try the peace corp thing"
"No."
"Okay." I could see tears welling in the corners of her eyes. I prepared for what I thought would be the worst-case scenario, assuming she was trying to break up with me. I was sure we had been in love, and I began searching my mind for reasons why she was doing this. Had I done something wrong? Was it my friends? Her father? When Jamie looked at me I could see despair behind her eyes. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for what happened next.
"I'm sick."
"I'll take you home. You'll be better tomorrow" The flu had been going around school, and I assumed that's what she meant.
"No. Landon. I'm sick." She paused briefly and something in her expression made me feel uneasy. "I have leukemia."
It wasn't possible. I was sure I had misunderstood her. "No. You're- you're 18, you're perfect."
"I found out two years ago. I've stopped responding to treatments." She shrugged and looked at me sadly, as if there was nothing else she could say.
I studied her face. She looked so healthy; I found it hard to believe what she was telling me. "Why didn't you tell me"
"The doctor said I should go on and live life normally, as best I could. I didn't want anybody to be weird around me."
"Including me"
"Especially you" Her eyes welled up with tears. "I was getting along with everything fine. I accepted it. Then you happened." She stared at the ground. After sucking in a deep breath, her eyes met mine again. "I do not need a reason to be angry with God."
I leaned against the wall and watched her back as she ran away from me, glad I could not see the tears streaming down her face. I didn't know what to think. My entire body felt numb. In less than 5 minutes my whole world had come crashing down around me. I expect the earth to stop spinning, but it didn't. I stared blankly between the buildings at the people walking by on the sidewalks, laughing, having fun. They didn't seem to care that Jamie, my Jamie, was dying.
I got into my car and started driving, letting the tears fall freely. I cried as I left Beaufort and drove along Interstate 70. I was still crying when I reached Morehead city. I impatiently rang my father's doorbell, desperate for help. In my heart I knew there was nothing he could do, but I had to do something, had to at least try.
I lay in my bed, unable to sleep. Despite the darkness, the image of Jamie's face was clear in my mind. I wondered why I hadn't noticed that something was wrong before. I suddenly realized why Jamie always sat on the bleachers during gym class, and why she hadn't gotten a perfect attendance award last year. I swallowed hard, her voice echoing in my ears. 'You have to promise you won't fall in love with me.'
I spent the better part of the next morning staring out over the water. I tried to think of what I could do for Jamie, but nothing seemed adequate. Even Eric had been somber, not knowing what to say when he approached me at the waters edge. I walked back into my house, and picked up the phone. I tried dialing Jamie's number, but found that I could not get past the fourth digit without hanging up. I was startled by my mother's hand on my shoulder.
"Momma, I don't know what to do." I whispered quietly.
"Just be there for her." She smiled sadly.
When I started my car I had every intention of driving straight to Jamie's house, but 10 minutes later I found myself downtown parking outside Buddy's flower shop.
"Hey there Landon...don't see you around here very often. What can I do for you today" Bud emerged from behind the counter, his overalls stained with dirt.
"Hi Bud. I need some of everything you have." I picked up a pot of daisies and a bouquet of roses.
"Is it your mom's birthday already" Bud asked, helping me load the flowers into the back of my car.
"No. They're for Jamie."
"Wow, all of them? She sure is a lucky girl."
"Yeah, real lucky." I muttered under my breath, slamming the car door.
I had just finished arranging the flowers on Jamie's porch when Reverend Sullivan came up the sidewalk.
"Landon." I contemplated asking him if I could see Jamie, but the thought of her tear streaked face made a lump rise in my throat.
"I'm not going anywhere. Please tell Jamie that."
I spent the rest of the afternoon working on my Camaro, trying to keep my mind occupied. It wasn't until I closed the hood that I noticed Jamie standing in my driveway. I had expected her to look different, sick in some way, but she was exactly the same Jamie that I had grown to love.
"I'm so sorry. I really should've told you sooner."
"No. I made you do too many things, I kept you out" I thought of all the nights we had spent in the cemetery, sometimes staying there until sunrise, and feared that I had made her sicker.
"If anything, you kept me healthy longer."
"Are you scared" I could feel my lip tremble as I asked the question.
"To death." I averted my eyes, unsure of how to respond. "Lighten up." She smiled weakly.
"Its not funny."
She placed her forehead against mine, and her bangs tickled my face. She smelled like freshly cut flowers. When she pulled back tears were spilling out of the corners of her eyes. "I'm scared of not being with you."
"Oh baby, that'll never happen, okay" I wrapped my arms around her, feeling that if I held on to her tight enough, I could somehow keep her with me. "I'll be here."
We spent the rest of the afternoon at the pier where we had our first kiss. It had become a favorite spot of ours, and we often spent hours sitting on the bench watching the sunset. I had a lot of questions, and Jamie answered them as best she could. I looked out over the water as a fishing boat was coming in for the night. "How much time do you have" I asked quietly. Part of me was hopeful that she would say a year, maybe even more. The other part of me was terrified to hear her response.
"I don't know." The fishing boat passed us by, leaving ripples in the water.
"What, the doctors couldn't tell you"
"No. I don't want to know." She paused a moment before elaborating. "I don't think the doctors could give me a good estimate anyway. They're only human. How could they attempt to know God's plan"
The depth of her spirituality amazed me. "Jamie, this peace that you have...I'm not ready to be in that place yet. Sometimes I feel almost", I hesitated, not wanting to offend her. "Its just not fair. Why is God letting this happen? You, out of all people...it just makes me so angry."
She placed her hand on top of mine. "I know. And it's okay." I looked at her quizzically.
"I think God can deal with a little anger every now and then. He knows we're not perfect, He's used to it. He's been listening to people complain since the Israelites came out of Egypt into the wilderness."
Silence surrounded us for a few moments, the only noise coming from a flock of seagulls circling overhead. Finally Jamie broke the silence. "Landon? Do you believe in miracles"
"Ummm...I guess I'm not really sure."
She rested her head on my shoulder. "I do." Her whisper made a chill run down my spine.
By the time I brought Jamie home, the moon was visible over the horizon and I knew more about Leukemia than I ever wanted to.
The following morning, Jamie didn't take her place in the choir loft during church. Instead we sat together in the second pew as her father announced her illness to the congregation. There were circles under Reverend Sullivan's eyes and his face was drawn as he approached the pulpit. It was obvious he had been up all night.
"Good morning friends. I intended to preach on the wisdom of Solomon this morning, but the Lord had other plans. Before I begin our sermon today I have an announcement to make. As a congregation we have weathered many storms together, bearing one another's burdens as one body of Christ. It is with deep sadness and a heavy heart that I must inform you that my daughter, Jamie, has leukemia. We have recently discovered that she is no longer responding to treatments. I would like to turn your attention to one of Jamie's favorite verses, Psalm 73, verse 26. 'My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.' It is my prayer that we may all draw on God's strength during this time..."
As he continued talking I looked over at Jamie, who was staring at her shoes, a blank expression on her face. I put my arm around her and tried to ignore the hushed sniffles and whispers filling the room. Mrs. Washington, an elderly woman who had babysat Jamie years ago began sobbing, and I could feel Jamie's shoulders tense under my arm.
"Are you ok" As soon as I had whispered it, I realized how absurd it sounded. Jamie nodded solemnly.
The sermon that morning was on the suffering of Paul, but I couldn't focus my attention on the Reverend's words. There were 142 pairs of red, tear-stained eyes glued to Jamie and me, and I could feel every single one of them boring into the back of my head. I was thankful to be sitting in the front of the church where I couldn't see the entire congregation staring at us.
After the service, Jamie was immediately surrounded by a sea of parishioners. I moved towards the back of the church to make room for the groups of people crowding the isle, waiting for their turn to embrace her. Many of them had known Jamie since she was a baby, and reacted as if she were their own child. Most of the women were crying, and passing around rolls of tissues from their purses. I stood by the door with a handful of children who were waiting impatiently for their parents to leave. I sympathized with them, and wondered who was more anxious for this ordeal to be over.
Nearly forty minutes had passed by, and Jamie was still surrounded by people giving their condolences. My mother approached me from the group of sobbing women and laid her hand on my arm sympathetically.
"Honey, we should go."
I didn't protest. The scene was becoming too much to bear, and I became drained of energy the longer it dragged on. I caught Jamie's eye, motioned for her to call me, and blew her a kiss. She smiled weakly at me as she was pressed against Mrs. Washington's chest once again.
I sat in my room unable to concentrate, my homework spread out in front of me on my desk. I was glad Jamie didn't call; I wouldn't have known what to say if she had. As the twilight turned to darkness I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.
"Mom, I'm going out" I called down the hall.
I reached the cemetery just as the first stars began to dot the sky. I had expected to find Jamie there, but she was nowhere to be seen. The emptiness was surprisingly peaceful. The only audible sounds were the chirping of the crickets and my shoes swishing through the unmown grass. I found Jamie's telescope leaning against the back corner of the fence. I brought it into a clearing and after several failed attempts, managed to assemble it properly. Crouching down, I pressed my eye to the lens and was taken aback by the myriad of stars. I thought back to my first date with Jamie at the pier. Her words echoed through my mind. 'How can you see places like this and have moments like this and not believe?' I was beginning to ask myself the same question. I adjusted to eyepiece and the stars came into focus. The beauty of the night sky made my breath catch in amazement. I suddenly understood what Jamie had meant when she said 'I feel wonder and beauty, joy, love...'
Right there in the cemetery I dropped to my knees and for the first time since I was five years old, I prayed. I prayed for the strength and faith that Jamie had. But most of all I prayed for Jamie, the most loving, kind and forgiving person I had ever known. I prayed for her miracle. I sought God with all I had and prayed the words that still sounded so hauntingly clear. "You're my only hope."