E/N: Sorry it's been a while since the last update, I've been in New York you see!!! *big sleepy grin* I'm still jet-lagged, on top of being ill, but I'm updating regardless. Typing up these next few chapters will probably as good as kill me, but I haven't written or typed ANYTHING in over a week, so I'm kinda suffering withdrawal symptoms.
For the song, I was torn between this and Come What May, but I figured I'd kinda over-used CWM. But bear that song in mind too during this, because she would sing that too. Hey, I know, imagine she sung it just before. Yeah. That's good………… Anywayz, I'm going to quit babbling now and let you all get on. I shall do r/n's in the next chapter, I promise!
Luvs Elfie xXxXx
Chapter 55
She went to the Two Trees. Before the wars with Sauron, she had spent a lot of time in the shade of those beautiful pillars of earth. Many thousands of hours had been whiled in that elegant, scenic area, that she was unable to count. They were comforting to her as she mulled over what had just happened.
"I should have been exiled from here, not there. My punishment is unjust. Torn from the arms of my loved ones, blindly led into a trap. Perhaps this is what death is like, being parted from loved ones, unable to return to them. It is a cruel punishment, forced upon not only me, but them too. Had I murdered someone or turned against all that is good, then I could understand the severity of it, but I haven to.
"Fate brought Legolas and I together, and now we are being cruelly ripped apart by forces beyond our control. Is my entire destiny doomed to be full of misery and woe? My only light, my guiding hands have been taken from me, never to be returned. What did I do to deserve this? I have only ever loved my husband and my son. I have only ever served the higher powers. I suffered so much at the hands of my sister-" she spat that word "-have I not earned a little happiness for myself? Am I that bad a person?"
"Laro?" Yavanna approached her cautiously. Silva closed her eyes and shook her head. She had at least thought that she would understand, but no.
"I only wish to be alone now, Yavanna."
"I'm worried about you, Laro. Are you sure you'll be all right?"
"I know the way to home. I will be fine."
"If you are sure……"
"Good bye, my lady." Yavanna nodded sadly and walked away. She knew her friend was upset right now, and it hurt to see her this way, but soon she would realise the mistake she had made, then she would be happy and settle down peacefully, living in Arda with herself and Aulë and the other Valar and Maiar.
Silva's thoughts continued after Yavanna had left but they began to take a dark track. The last time she had left Legolas, he had sought the arms of another. What if she lost him again, only this time for good? And what would become of Kemen? If Legolas thought she'd left him, would he sever the connection completely and desert his son?
Fear started to fill her mind. She could understand if Legolas found someone else. She would not have him suffer an eternity alone, as she was forced to. But if he abandoned Kemen, she would take her own life. It was too painful to imagine.
But still, even though she did not wish hurt or loss on her husband, if she lost Legolas for a third time, it would destroy her. If ever she did manage to escape her imprisonment, and she returned to find him in the arms of another woman, that also would be enough for her to take her own life. It was too much to bear. Life without Legolas was not a life worth living. Nor with Kemenhin for that matter.
It then struck her that it was not only Legolas and Kemen she was being forbidden from, but also her sisters and Thranduil and Arwen and Elladan and Galadriel and Estel and anyone else she had befriended and held close to her heart that resided in Middle Earth.
Silva knew she would not sleep that night or for many nights to come.
**
For the following week, Silva did not sleep. Nor did she eat. She barely spoke to anyone, though she was always humming gently. She spent most of her time at the Two Trees, for they calmed her a little. She knew she was starting to slip back to a state of mind long forgotten, and she was fighting it, but it was slowly over-coming her and she was finding the will to live almost non-existent. She knew if she didn't resume some kind of normal activity, she would fade to nothing. But she was straining herself not to give in already and it was exhausting her.
She decided to attempt some sort of sleeping pattern, as she knew a lack of weariness, being more alert, would aid her fight against the impending surrender to darkness. Even just a couple of hours night would be something.
**
Dark thoughts of pain and suffering invaded Yavanna's mind that prevented her from sleeping, as it did to her beautiful handmaiden. She decided to take a walk in the hope that the night air would help her sleeplessness. She silently slid out of bed, not disturbing Aulë, and crept silently out of her bedroom.
She walked slowly and aimlessly down the wide, stone corridors of her home. Over the time uncountable, she and Aulë had learned to compromise the décor of their dwelling. A pleasant combination of rock and plant, that was pleasing to the eye, surrounded her, making her feel calm and serene. Tranquility bathed her home, it always had. She thanked Ilúvatar for this grace.
She sighed as she thought of her best friend's doom, but still she could not understand her reaction. Manwë's words had devastated her. 'But Laro has always known the rules. She knew she should not have intimate relationships with anyone, but of her own race. Especially not with an Elf. And if this did happen, she knew marriage and children was never, ever an option. I feel sorry for her, but I cannot sympathise with her.'
It was at that moment when she saw the figure sitting in the wide, high archway of a nearby window. She immediately recognised the figure to be Silva. When she realised that her best friend was (once again) singing to the night, she stood still in her tracks and listened intently to the words.
"When the darkness of loss seems to drown you,
Adrift in an ocean of pain,
You won't be alone, I'll be with you,
I'll ease you sorrow, once again.
If the distance between us is growing,
Cry out and I'll sing back your name,
Your heart will understand I'm listening,
You'll know I am feeling the same.
I'm right by your side, I won't leave you, my love,
In the silence and cold of the night,
Just reach out your hand, I'm right by you, my love,
I am with you for all of your life.
Our hearts and our souls will entwine us now,
With you the problems I can face,
Nothing on Earth can divide us now,
For love is a life-giving grace.
We can weather anything together,
Through sun and the snow and the rain,
I've got your back, know that I love you,
From loving you I only gain.
I'm right by your side, I won't leave you, my love,
In the silence and cold of the night,
Just reach out your hand, I'm right by you, my love,
I am with you for all of your life.
Come what may, I'll take the blame,
I've got your back, I feel no shame."
Tears streaked her pale face as she sang. Her heart was on her sleeve and her soul emptied as she put all the love she held for the Elf into her words. She seemed an old woman, wearied by long years of toil and heartache, and yet as a small child, crushed by the sorrow of loss and confusion. It was in that moment that Yavanna Kementári saw the Silvawen that should not have been forced out of memory. Weak, voiceless, dependant. The Silvawen that had been banished all those years ago by the small child that was her son.
It suddenly struck Yavanna that she had never once seen Silva cry, until now, and the mistake that had been made in making the Earth Spirit come back and forbidding her to return to her family. It was true that dying of grief was an ailment found only amongst Elves, but anyone could die of a broken heart. She knew that Silvawen would readily give up everything she had just to be returned to the two people she loved more than life itself. When she had departed the shores of Middle Earth, she had left her whole being behind in two pieces.
Foolish it may have been to fall in love with an Elf and bear his child, illegal also, but the love and pride that woman held for the two men, awaiting her across the sea, was beyond words and a lesson to all. Love knows no bounds and cannot be contained. It comes in many forms, both gradually and suddenly, through want, through need, even through hate and greed and jealousy. What is meant to be, will be, right or wrong.
"They can stop me leaving," the silhouette at the window murmured, "but they will never stop me loving them. No one will ever take my love for them away."
"Now I see. Now I share your sorrow and I sympathise. Now I understand why you react so to your punishment and in sending me away. For if my love was taken from me, I would not want to take another singe breath."
"I do not wish to continue you living, such is my pain, but I do so for them. For as long as I know they are safe and happy, I will continue living for them. Though I shall not find happiness again for myself, lest my punishment be over-ruled." Yavanna went to her best friend and enveloped her in her arms. "Were I to become a mortal, doomed to die of decrepitude (E/N: It's a word!! I looked it up!!!) and old age should I leave, I would do it, for it would mean seeing them again, even for a limited amount of years."
"I'm going to do as much as I can to help you. We can appeal to Manwë, maybe he'll change his mind if he sees what this is doing to you."
"We can try, but it will not work. He is completely set on this."
"That's because none of really believed you were in love. I regret ever thinking that now, but you always said you never believed in it. We thought you had simply craved some stability, being so far from home and separate from your sisters for the first time ever, and had married into nobility to get that security. Doing so, a child was demanded of you……… we were given no details in the letter."
"I never did believe in love. Until I met Legolas." She chuckled mirthlessly. "Even know that sounds corny. But it's the truth. I was so confused. A whole year I convinced myself I hated him and he hated me. We were real enemies. Whatever the most recent occurrence between us was, it would be the talk of the castle for days and days afterwards. Sparks flew on a regular basis. Whenever we were in a room together, a dangerous electricity buzzed throughout the room. Eventually I realised my feelings for him and finally summoned the courage to tell him. He rejected me to start with. He broke my heart. Then one cloudless, star-filled, moonlit night, such as tonight is, he heard me sing to the darkness. And he realised he too loved me in return. That night we made love for the first time and I knew that he would, from then on, forever hold my heart. That night, we joined mind, body and soul. We have seen a lot of rough times since that warm, autumn night, but we got through. Our love got us though."
"What of your child?" Silva smiled sadly.
"If I am completely honest to myself, Kemenhin was a mistake. But could not wish for a better, more beautiful mistake to befall me. Kemen is the most wonderful child you could wish for. And he has blossomed into a truly wonderful man. He is loving, caring, kind and considerate. And I've heard my chambermaids giggling over him on more than one occasion. It almost hurts to look at him, he is so handsome. He has the looks of mother, dark hair and deep green eyes, but he has his father's fair skin and is so like him in personality. To listen to him, he is a clone of his father. Blindfold me and I could not tell you the difference in their voices, they are so alike. Having said that, he always was a mommy's boy." She smiled faintly as she echoed her lover's words from months gone by. "He is the perfect son, and Legolas, the perfect husband……… I always knew my life was too good to be true." Yavanna tilted Silva's chin up and looked her in the eyes.
"Laro-……… or would you rather I called you Silvawen?" Silva smiled ever so slightly.
"Silva will do just fine, thank you."
"Well, Silva, I swear to you now, I will get you back to your family if it is the last thing I do. But first, we've got to re-teach you your gifts………"