"You don't really want to die, do you" The metal grated against my sternum, causing pain that made me gasp. A cold hand closed around my fingers, pulled the knife away from my chest. The hand pried the dagger loose from my fist, wresting my fingers from the metal. The dagger was slipped away into his belt, along with a flute. I tensed, and looked up at the face. The child's face look back at me, flat, and red eyed from crying.

"Do you? Haven't we lost enough people today without you taking your own life" He asked bitingly, clenching one hand around his scarf. I steadied myself with a hand on the ground. I had never seen Nils anything but cheerful, serious, and mad at the Black Fang for stealing his sister's ring Now his face was unreadable, a stormy surface of emotion I couldn't see past.

"How do you know what I want" I found myself asking. A slow trickle of blood began to make its way down my chest.

"Because you're not really ready to die. You don't want to die. You've tried once before, and you failed. You failed because Lord Hector saved you, and he found you because you saved him." Nils looked at my lacerated arm, and then back to my face. "You didn't really want to die then, or you would have. So why is now any different"

I glared at him, but is faded quickly. I pressed a hand to my bleeding chest, and felt my heart beating, pulsing blood out of my body, and onto my hand. "Because now I know the truth. Now I know they were right all along, and that everything I've been telling myself is a lie. Now I know that Hector wasn't lying after all, and that everything they said is true.

"Now I've let two people die. I let my father die on Dread Isle, and I've killed a dragon, no, a girl who loved me. I kill your sister; I killed Ninian."

Nils winced, and tightened his hands on his scarf. "Ninian's dead, Lord Elbert's dead, but you didn't kill them. Lord Elbert was killed by Black Fang, and Ninian was killed by the Durandel. She knew it too. She knew you didn't mean to kill her. She could feel the swords hatred for dragons; she could hear it's cry for dragon blood."

I laughed hollowly. "If I had had a stronger will maybe I would have had control over the Durandel. If I had set off sooner from Pherae I would have gotten to Dread Isle sooner, and saved my father. Why're you doing this Nils? I killed your sister. I could kill you. If you two truly are brother and sister, as you look it, then you're a dragon as well. How do you know that the next time I pick up the Durandel it will not seek your flesh"

"If it does, it does, but it won't unless I am in my dragon shape. Even if I did take on my dragon body I don't think it would. The Durandel's power took you by surprise, and if you're expecting it I think you will be able to control it." Nils explained. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, and unstopped his water flask. "You, wether you believe it or not, are the only one who can stop Nergal."

"And how would you know that" I asked, watching him wet the handkerchief.

"Ninian told me you would." Nils moved to my arm, and began sponging the blood off. I hissed, and tried to yank my arm away. Nils grabbed my arm, and a numbing tingle went through it. "I can tell to now. She had a different type of power then I did; she gave it to me before she died." I looked suspiciously at my numb arm, and tried wiggling my fingers. The act sent shocks of cold pain up my arm, but the moved.

"I wouldn't try that. You're arms numb for a reason. It also slows down the blood." Nils' hands were red from the blood, but he kept working.

I gave up trying to get the dragon to stop, and looked around the woods. "Shouldn't you hate me, or at least be mad at me in some way"

"Maybe, but that won't bring Ninian back, will it" He gave me a strange look from under his bangs. "Dragons live longer then humans you know. I'm older then you think I am."

"I knew that." I said defensively, then I sighed. There was no more reason to lie to myself, or anyone else. No! They are lying! You're not-I smothered the protests slowly.

"What did you tell yourself so fervently it made up part of your life, and how did it turn out to be a lie" Nils voice was low, almost too soft to hear. "What made you hate your friends so much that you tried to kill yourself just to spite them" I stared at him, my mind racing over itself again. I looked at my left hand, and let my eyes trace the scar there.

The words spilled out, dropping from somewhere I couldn't name, and telling things I hardly knew myself. "I denied what I was just to escape having to admit someone was right, and made a friend an enemy. I lied away my life, holding up a defense to block out every word they said, and distanced myself from everyone. I've been living a false life; denying what everyone else knew to be a simple fact. If I had just excepted that instead of trying so hard to make myself believe it was a lie then maybe Ninian would still be alive. Maybe my father would still be around to help me." Maybe I would still have a friend. Part of me fought, and struggled. It wasn't my fault, they had lied. Why was I believing Hector now? His words had driven me out here. I hated him, so why listen to him?

Nils pulled a roll of bandages from his pouch, and began wrapping my arm. He tied it off, and snapped my sleeve down my arm. Feeling began to return to my limb. "What could someone tell you that would make you live like that" Nils asked. He squeezed out the handkerchief, and stuffed it back in his pouch.

I tensed. The pain in my arm slowly seeped back, but it wasn't a comfort. It was only a reminder of what I was. "He was a prestigious teacher. My father had learned from him, and was delighted I would be as well. I was excited as well, and couldn't wait to start my lessons, but I was also frightened. What if I couldn't live up to my father's expectation? I was already smaller then everyone else, even most of the girl were taller, and broader of shoulder then me..." I looked up, and found Nils standing in front of me. His crimson eyes looked down at me with a look of pity. I snapped my feet.

"Don't look at me like that" I clenched my right hand into a fist, causing spasm of pain. "Don't give me pity, I don't want it. I don't want to be pitied by anyone" I remembered Lyndis and the way she had pitied me. She said I had scared her. My lips twisted into the familiar parody of a smile.

"Is that why you felt the way you did when Hector pulled Lyndis into trying to help you? Is that why you tried to scare her so badly." Nils took in the slightly dumbfounded look on my face. "I heard everything of that talk, and I knew you had tried to kill yourself before that. If you hate Hector so much, then why were you so mad at him when he tried to get Lyndis to help him? Why not kill him? You've certainly had the chance to several times. Why save him"

I blanched I had thought that same thing several times. Why not kill him? I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't have been able to kill him, even if the opportunity came again for me to do so. I could have let him die. I could have let him die the stormy night he had saved me. We could have both been dead, already decomposing in hastily dug graves...

So why had I felt so betrayed when he had brought Lyndis into this? Why had I felt like been stabbed in the back? If I really did hate him then why had I been careless at times, leaving something for him to find. I sank back to me knees, my left hand pressed to my forehead. Everything seemed to be crashing down around me. I tried to hold onto something that would keep my fortifications from completely falling away, but everything slipped through my fingers like silt.

I had hated everyone just to keep myself from hurting. I had buried all the emotional pain with anger, and defiance. I had drowned it in a river of blood, and scarred my body and soul beyond repair. I had screamed under a mask, and hated people who tried to care for me. I had hated more people then I had loved, and buried myself under a deluge of blood, and hate. I had lost myself.

I had lost the little boy who loved butterflies, and had brought laughter wherever he went. I had lost the little child who could always see the bright side of anything, and could not be made to hate. I had lost the sweet innocence of childhood before its time, and buried under everything so I couldn't find it again. I had smothered it to keep myself from pain, and caused myself to hurt more then I ever thought possible.

A light hand came to rest on my head, and something hit my hand. The round bead of ice stayed on my hand, and began to slowly melt. "I'm sorry, but someone had to do it."Nils murmured. "Sometimes you have to tear everything down before you can start over." Nils' hand left my head, and I heard his footsteps fade way.

I looked around with wide eyes, still lost, and now shaken worse then I had been. My mind had stopped. Everything had crashed down on my head. Every wall of defense I had ever built around me had fallen, and now I felt more vulnerable then I had ever. I pushed myself across the ground, and stopped when my back met a tree. I pushed myself to my feet, and looked around the small clearing. Lying in the middle was the dagger I had stolen from Hector. Blood had dried on the blade, leaving it dull. I touched the spot on my chest, and looked at the dagger. I could kill myself, or try to struggle on with my now shattered reality...

"I can kill myself, or live with myself." I murmured. I shook my head, picked up the dagger. "'If something is worthless then it should be discarded.'" I tapped my fingers on the blade. "But am I really? Am I really worthless" No, they're liars.

Yes, you are. You killed Ninian, and couldn't stop your father's death, You are worthless.

My mind fought itself, and I looked up at the darkening sky. "What am I supposed to do" I asked nothing as a wind whistled past my ear. Back in Pherae my mother was waiting for me. I didn't want to go home, I didn't know what I wanted. An ache had started in my chest, a feeling had settled in my throat.

Rain had started to fall. I leaned against a near by tree, and sank into the grass. "What am I doing here anyway? Why did all this happen to me. I used to bleed because it helped me forget everything else, but now it only hurts more. I used to not feel this. The sorrow that suffocates everything, and drowns all your thoughts in salty misery. I haven't cried in years. The last time I cried was when I was thirteen, and I haven't cried since then. Not even when my father died. I don't now what to do any more, and I don't know what I want."

The rain fell harder, slipping through the trees, and landing on me. I looked around the clearing again, and stood up slowly. There were no answers here, but the answers were somewhere. "But were are they"

A/N:Ack! I'm sorry! It took an unreasonable amount of time to put this up. This chapter took me a long time to work out kinks in, and I'm still not sure I like it. Nils was a little out of character, but he was severely greived, and such. - I will try my best to get the next chapter up by next weekend. Thank you for all the reviews-eek! never had so many before, and I hope this satisfies you till next time.