"Where did you get that?" Hector asked, his voice tense, and his gaze threatening. I looked at the dagger, and a small smile force itself onto my lips.
"Borrowing it." I replied. I managed a bit of forced cheer, and innocence.
"'Borrowing it?'" Hector's expression became stormy. "What for? To try to kill yourself again Eliwood? Is that why?"
I looked at him, and the smile slid from my face. I pressed a hand to my chest. "Maybe that's why I took it. You left it there, and I needed something. I needed..." I looked at Hector. "I needed something Hector."
"Is this what you needed?" Hector asked angrily. "To hurt yourself, and try to die when people need you? Do you think that's what you need?"
"They..." I shook my head. "They don't need me Hector! If I had died then Ninian would still be alive. If I had been faster then my father would still be alive, and maybe I wouldn't have to save the world. Maybe my Mother wouldn't be sitting at home waiting for her son to come home, and mourning the loss of her husband."
"What are you saying? Of course we need you! You're the only one who can wield the Durandal Eliwood! You know that. We need you here, and if you had died it wouldn't have made things better. Nergal would have gotten both Ninian, and your Father would have died anyway."
"Hector stop it!" I snapped. "You don't know that. You don't know that they would be alive... You don't know anything..."
Hector paused, and heaved a sigh. "This isn't about Ninian, or Lord Elbert is it?" I shook my head, and he sat down beside me. "What is this about Eliwood? What is wrong with you?"
"This..this is about us Hector. This is about where we stand." I looked down, and picked at the bandage around one hand. "I- I don't know a lot of things right now Hector, and I think I should know them. I just can't make sense of some things anymore." I can't decide why I wanted to bleed. Why I needed the pain so much. I don't understand why it doesn't help me anymore. I don't understand myself anymore. I feel like I'm fighting something that will kill me even if I win, or leave me hollow and alone.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left without a back to fall against in battle, or a face to share a fire with. I don't want to be alone again, and feel like I'm drowning in my own blood. I don't want to hate everything.
"Eliwood why do you do these things to yourself? Why do put yourself through this?" Hector asked with a sorrowful tone. "You're not just hurting yourself you now. You're hurting everyone who cares about you." I didn't say anything, and looked at my bandaged hand. I bit my lip, and chewed on it nervously.
"Do you care Hector?" I asked. "Do you really care what happens to me? Not just my title, or your reputation? Me as a person, not the Marquess of Pheare? Me as just plain Eliwood?"
"Idiot, of course I care. Why do you think I've been badgering you about it since I found out?" Hector frowned.
He didn't say it. He didn't say he cared for me as a person, and not for my title. Feelings thrashed, and the anger and hate wrapped its deadly fingers around sorrow, and pain, and drowned it in blood. I snapped my head up, and glared at Hector. Color rose in my cheeks.
"I don't want you to care about Lord Eliwood." I snapped angrily. "I don't need you to say you care about me, because that's not going to change what I am. You know that don't you Hector? You know but you just won't help me."
"Eliwood I'm trying to help you." Hector snapped back, his voice rising in anger. "If you'd just stop being such an idiot and make an effort to fix your life then maybe it would work! The world doesn't revolve around you and your problems. I've spent more time then you know worrying about you, and trying to help you. Do you think I would still be here if I didn't care about you? Do you think I'd let myself be put through this if just for my reputation?" His voice was sharp, and I unconsciously scooted back from him.
I felt as if I was teetering on the edge of a cliff with a high wind blowing. I swayed on the edge of anger, and threatened to plunge down into an unknown abyss. It frightened me, but it didn't quite the voice screaming in the back of my head. Hector was a liar, and he wasn't sincerely trying to help me. Years of doubt made me lean towards the voice, begging or everything to make sense. My head hurt, throbbing unmercifully in a manner I was getting used to.
Didn't it make sense that Hector should be doing this for me, and not for his personal interests? Should it be true that he wouldn't go through all this just to make himself look better. Couldn't he just have pretended not to know? Why shouldn't I tell him everything? Why should I hate him so much after knowing he wasn't a liar? Why should I want to hate him? Why did I? Why did I cling to burning hate instead of the numbing sorrow that washed in my head. Why, why...?
My hands knotted in my hair, and I drew my knees to my face. My hands shook, and the cuts on my hand throbbed. I could feel blood soaking into the bandage, and the cuts burned. I was drowning again, falling deeper into something I didn't understand. A small whimper formed on my lips, and escaped into my knees.
Someone help me! Just make it all stop! I don't want to feel like this anymore! I don't want to be so lost. Help me, anyone...
"Help." The word tumbled form my mouth. "Won't anybody help me?" The words were choked with pain, struggling to get the plea out of my falling mind.
"Are you listening to me? I am trying to help you Eliwood. I am trying, but I don't know how. You won't tell me how I'm supposed to help you." Hector's voice held the strain of many months of worry in it. Many months of worrying over me?
I wanted everything to stop. I wanted to believe anything that wouldn't fall out from underneath me. I didn't care if it was a lie. I just wanted something to hold onto, and protect me from my own mind. I didn't care if it was a lie anymore. I couldn't stand feeling like I was shattered. I couldn't stand feeling like I was lost in the sea of my own mind. A sea of blood I had created.
"Eliwood? Eliwood stop that and look at me." Hector hand shook my shoulder. "Look at me Eliwood." His voice was firm, and rough. I looked up at his face, and gave him a shattered smile.
"Yes Hector?"
"Dang you're screwed up Eliwood." Hector mused as he looked at me. "You're really screwed up. Now calm down and tell me what's wrong."
I took a shaky breath and loosened my grip on my knees. "I've lived a lie, and destroyed something I once held very precious. I did everything without realizing it, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just... I just want it to end."
"That's not a choice Eliwood, and it isn't ever going to be. You're going to suck it up and work through it because we need you here." Hector tried to sound encouraging. "I need you here."
"I'm sure you could live with out me." I replied wearily.
"You don't know that." Hector's voice held a small measure of mirth as he repeated my own words back to me.
My shattered smile widened slightly, and I rested my cheek on my knee. "No, I think you could. Worthless things should be discarded, shouldn't they?"
"Wha?" Hector stiffened, and a surprised look crossed his face. "You don't think I meant that about you, did you?"
"Perhaps not directly, but it gave me your opinion on the matter. Not that I know why I needed it. I hate you after all. More then anyone, more then him..." I trailed off, realizing my thoughts were falling out my mouth. More then the man who told me I was worthless.
"Then you did try to kill yourself again?" I nodded slowly, and lifted my head to see his reaction. He scrubbed a hand through his hair, and scowled. "So why didn't you? No one was there to stop you."
"Nils stopped me. He also said... some other things." I looked at my feet, and waited for Hector to say something.
"So you think you're worthless? Who told you that?" Hector sounded caught between anger, and relief he was getting somewhere. Anger flared up, and I snatched my head to look at him. I clenched my hands again, and smiled sweetly.
"You want to know Hector? You want to know who called your dear friend worthless?" I asked, pulling me knees from my body, and sitting on them.
Hector was familiar with the tone I used, and he became wary. He eyed me cautiously, and then spoke. "Yes, I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't want to know."
"Don't you know?" My voice lowered, the tone flashing to anger. "Don't you already know Hector? Can't you remember?"
"Eliwood calm down." Hector's voice rose a little in volume. "I don't know; just tell me already."
I laughed a mocking laugh. "Maybe it would be better for you to ask who didn't call me worthless. He called me worthless every chance he got. Every one of our classmates said I was at one time or another, but the one who convinced me I was, the one I trusted in everything, was you."
Hector looked taken aback. His eyes told me he was trying to remember calling my worthless. He frowned, and shook his head. "I didn't mean it Eliwood, I thought you knew that."
"You meant it once." I snapped back. "You did. You told me you did. It was summer, and you got into a fight with four of the other boys. I just watched. I didn't try to help you. You called me worthless after that. You said you meant it, and you hit me." I looked at Hector, and smiled. "Didn't you notice at all? Didn't you wonder about me?"
Hector shook his head. "I was angry Eliwood. Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean it's true."
"But it is true. I never do anything right, and everyone always laughs at me. Everyone think I'm worthless, just an inconvenience they have to deal with because I'm royal. I hate them Hector, I hate everyone of them, but I hate you most of all. You just stood there and laughed with them."
"Eliwood." Hector grabbed me by my shoulders, and shook me. "I don't know why you think you're worthless, but you're not. Not everyone is laughing at you, and you're not an inconvenience in any way. People would put up with you even if you weren't royal."
"Would you?"
"That is a stupid question- of course I would." Hector's expression softened a little, but was still stern. "You can't keep abusing yourself like this. Your body was a breaking point, and much more treatment like this will push it over the edge. You have to stop this Eliwood. You have to stop hurting yourself."
"Why? My mind's already tipped over that edge. I don't know what I'm trying to think about half the time, and the other half I'm trying not to think." I smiled thinly "I think it's about time for someone to come in and interrupt our talk, or for me to pass out. It always seems to happen when we talk."
"Not this time Eliwood. You're not going to pass out, and if anyone tries to interrupt I'll thrown them out one their ear." The lord crossed his arms over his chest. "Now stop wandering off the subject."
"What subject?" I smiled at his slightly angry glare. "Oh, yes, what about it? Why do you want to run me in circles?"
"So I can figure out what's wrong with you." Hector replied. "I'm tired of having to drag the answers out of you."
"Like a puzzle you can just fit together?" I asked sharply. "Is the state of my mind just a game for you?"
"No!" Hector answered too quickly for my liking. Maybe he already knew the answer, but that would mean he had thought of it. "How many times to I have to say this, I am trying to help you because you are my friend." He was frustrated. He ran a hand almost viciously through his hair, and sighed. I watched him carefully. How much farther until I pushed him over his own mental breaking point? How stable was his own mind?
"How much longer can you will be able to last?" The words slid from my mouth, and Hector stared. I had spoken my thoughts again. I spat out a severe oath, and Hector laughed. He actually laughed. Perhaps he had passed his mental breaking point. I frowned as Hector continued laughing, and scowled as he gained control over his mirth.
"You say not everyone laughs at me, and yet you laugh." I observed.
"That, I do believe, is the first time I have heard a word not fit for a monk come out of your mouth." Hector shook his head. "I must really not be getting enough sleep lately. It shouldn't be that funny I suppose." Hector admitted.
"I don't think it's funny at all." I watched him shake the last remnants of his amusement, and half-way sink back into seriousness. There was still an amused twinkle in his eyes, and a ready smile on his lips. He was relaxed, somehow he had become relaxed. I lapsed into silence watching him with a curious look. So many thoughts fell about my head, tripping over themselves, and snapping off in the middle. So many emotions battling for dominance in my skewed perspective. Perhaps the most confusing part was I didn't know what I wanted. No matter what thought or emotion came close to dominance I didn't care. I just wanted something to held onto. Something to keep my sinking head above water.
I just wanted something to keep my sanity in grasp, no matter what that thing was. I needed something I had been missing since I had first donned my mask. I needed to know who I was, and what I was capable of. I needed an identity.
A/N:; Hi, um, well, it's the, uh, next chapter, but um, please, if you don't mind, don't be too mad about the long wait. Eheehee... It's almost over, either one or two chapters to go, I promise. Thanks for all the reviews, and feedback, and maybe you won't have to wait so long for the next chapter. Jaa ne!