Disclaimer: Look, I don't own Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, so stop
sending me fanmail, okay? **is mobbed by screaming fans who then disappear
as she wakes up from the happiest dream of her life** I didn't mean that
last part and I really *wish* I didn't mean the first part, but alas, I am
a mere mortal and totally bereft of copyrights.
A/N: Here it is...the long-awaited latest chapter in the story of three maniacs stranded with another bunch of maniacs. What will happen to our intrepid trio? How will they ever get back to Middle Earth? Do they really want to? The answers to all these questions will...be delayed until a later chapter. Bwa ha ha...
Elves Just Wanna Have Fun
The next morning, Gimli awoke to the sound of singing. From the sound of the pure, clear soprano he knew immediately who it was. "Legolas, shut up!" he grumbled.
"But it's such a great day," Legolas said enthusiastically, beginning to sing again as he gathered various articles of clothing and bottles.
Gimli glared at him ferociously. "Do you know what time it is, elf?" he inquired in a dangerously soft tone. "It is approximately THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Shut up or you'll wake the whole dormitory." He seemed oblivious to the fact that he was doing quite a good job of that without a bit of help from Legolas.
"Philistine," Legolas muttered as he picked up his stuff and headed for the door. "Absolutely no appreciation for art." He shook his head sadly, reaching for the door handle.
"Wait, where are you going?" Gimli demanded suspiciously. "You're not trying to get away from me, are you?"
"Oh, never," Legolas assured him. "I'm just going to go wash my hair. After all, we elves need to take care of our natural beauty." Rolling his eyes, Gimli mumbled something about "sissy, pointy-eared monster" which Legolas chose to ignore. He stepped outside and closed the door after him just as the rest of the dormitory started to stir.
"Wha...who...huh?" commented Harry intelligently. He sat up in bed, his hair sticking out in two-inch spikes. "Anyone know what time it is?"
Several others were sitting up now, yawning and looking around for whoever had disrupted their REM cycle. Normally Gimli would have just let them sit there miserably, but he felt like doing something considerate for a change. "EVERYONE GO BACK TO SLEEP!" he bellowed. "It's only three o'clock, it's not time to get up yet! Just pay no attention to me."
Somehow, this didn't seem to help matters. All the people in the room were awake now and there seemed to be a general feeling of hostility toward Gimli for some reason. With a falsely cheerful grin, Gimli looked at the circle of murderous, sleepy faces.
"Uh, that's right, you just all go on back to bed now..." One of the boys was groping under his bed for something. He produced a long, thin piece of wood which he brandished with maniacal glee.
"STUPEFY!" he roared, pointing it at Gimli. A blessed hush fell over the room, broken a few seconds later by heartfelt applause from everyone but the now-unconscious dwarf.
Five hours later, Gimli dragged himself into the Great Hall for breakfast, trailing after the squeaky-clean Legolas and Aragorn, who had finally woken up. Legolas waved cheerily to swooning girls all over the hall while Gimli gnashed his teeth in helpless anger and jealousy.
"Good morning, students," Dumbledore began mildly from the teacher's table as soon as everybody was settled. "Today I have some good news and some bad news." The students looked at one another in somewhat nervous anticipation as Dumbledore continued.
"The bad news is that yesterday Professor Parva threatened to quit her job here if people kept throwing paper airplanes and spitballs during Defense Against the Dark Arts class." The hall went absolutely quiet. "And the good news is that..." Hundreds of expectant faces leaned toward him. "This morning she made good her promise and at this very moment is on her way back to King's Cross Station," Dumbledore finished with a satisfied smile. Loud whoops of joy echoed off the stone walls as students high- fived each other in ecstasy.
"Due to this not entirely unwelcome circumstance, we have no Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for the present, so all those classes are canceled until further notice." More yells and catcalls. Aragorn raised his head and stared in Dumbledore's general direction, looking as if he was actually thinking. [What is he plotting now?] Legolas wondered.
As they started to dig in, Legolas noticed that three boys were arriving late. The smallest was handsome in a cruel, arrogant sort of way, while the two other boys walking next to him like bookends closely resembled some orcs he'd killed just last week. "Hey," he said, nudging Fred, who was sitting with them again. "Who's that?" He indicated the sneering kid and his two cronies, who were now seating themselves at the adjacent table.
Fred looked distastefully at him. "That creature-and believe me, I use the term loosely-over there is Draco Malfoy, the most demonic kid I have ever known. Just steer clear of him." He turned back to his toast, shuddering in disgust.
[Draco Malfoy, eh?] Legolas mused. He noted that about one third of the girls eating breakfast were following Malfoy's every move and batting their eyelashes if he chanced to look their way. [Well, Malfoy, you have a few too many admirers for my comfort. After all, can't have girls ignoring me, can we? I reckon it's about time you get what's coming to you...]
A plot sprang fully formed to his mind. It was simple but brilliant. And it could be accomplished with materials readily at hand...He looked up and down the table until he located what he was searching for.
"Hey, Aragorn," he called down the table. "Please pass the jam." Aragorn passed him the jar with-yes! A tablespoon that was just perfect for his purposes.
Eagerly, Legolas unscrewed the lid of the jam jar and took a heaping spoonful. Then, keeping in mind everything he knew about marksmanship, he moved the spoon into precise alignment and took careful aim at the back of Malfoy's head.
Elves are deadly shots with jam. The goo hit Malfoy right between the ears. SPLAT! For a moment, Malfoy sat there in shock before he registered that his hair was dripping fruit. Those few seconds were all Legolas needed. Suppressing an evil grin, he poked Gimli and handed him the spoon.
"Here, Gimli," he said brightly. "Congratulations, you've won a free spoon." Gimli held the spoon up before his face in awe and examined it while Legolas shook with silent laughter. If he'd timed this correctly, everything should come together right about...now.
Gimli held the spoon high over his head in exultation. "Yes! I did it!" he cried proudly just as Malfoy turned around furiously, sporting his new strawberry blond highlights. They locked gazes for a minute before Gimli realized he had said the worst thing possible under the circumstances and shrank back in horror.
Malfoy was breathing quickly, his eyes narrowed to slits. "I'll take care of *you* after breakfast, dwarf," he spat loud enough for the whole hall to hear. "Crabbe and Goyle don't like people who start food fights, *do* you, boys?" They were unsure for a second, but then the meaning of the question somehow penetrated their thick skulls and they shook their heads menacingly. Malfoy glared daggers at the badly frightened Gimli while trying to comb seeds and pulp out of his ex-perfect hair. Then he turned around and continued eating exactly as if he didn't know everyone in the school was watching him.
"I thought you didn't believe in practical jokes," Fred murmured to Legolas. He grinned evilly.
"I don't. I believe in poetic justice." George nodded sagely and winked at him before demolishing his fifth slice of bread.
Apparently, Gimli wasn't the only one who was dissatisfied with the way breakfast was going. "Cheapskate house-elves," Ron grumbled, slathering butter on his toast. "Couldn't give us anything better than plain old bread. I mean, what happened to the eggs and bacon and stuff like that?"
But Legolas wasn't concerned with bacon and eggs at the moment. He leaned forward urgently. "Did you say elves?" he demanded of Ron, who shared an "Uh-oh, here we go again" look with Harry.
"House-elves," corrected Hermione promptly, eager to leap into a conversation with someone who might be even slightly interested in house- elf rights. "They do all the cooking around here and it's just terrible because they don't get paid and they have to wear tea-towels instead of regular clothes and they-" Legolas was no longer listening.
"Take me to the kitchen," he commanded peremptorily. Hermione looked a little taken aback, but consented readily. Despite Ron and Harry's attempts to stop her, she finished her toast hurriedly and led him off down one of the many corridors he hadn't seen yet.
She chattered breathlessly the whole way. "...And nobody wanted to join S.P.E.W. because they don't want to have to think about the elf labor they indirectly sanction by using products made by elves or, worse yet, owning their own house-elf..." At proper intervals, Legolas nodded or "mmm-hmm"ed his agreement and approval, but inside his twisted little mind he was already hatching a plot.
At last they reached a picture of a bowl of fruit. Hermione tickled the pear and, to Legolas's amazement, the picture swung outward revealing a staircase. They descended it for a few minutes in silence and at last arrived in an enormous room that was undoubtedly the kitchen.
A small, ugly creature ran up to meet Hermione with an excited squeak. "Hermione has come to visit Dobby! Oh, Dobby is so very, very, very, very happy to see Hermione. He has missed her so!" After giving her a hug around the knees, he turned to Legolas.
"But who is this friend of Hermione? Dobby has never seen him before!" he exclaimed, looking up at him. It was a long way to look, but he managed it somehow.
Legolas thrust out his chest. "I am the almighty Legolas," he proclaimed. "I am an elf and I have come to deliver you from servitude. Together we can take over the worl-uh, campaign for elf rights," he amended hastily, seeing Hermione's face. He'd have to plan the revolution in secret.
"Oh, almighty Legolas is great and good!" cried Dobby shrilly, gazing at him even more intensely. "Almighty Legolas will rescue his people from bondage!"
"Hush!" hissed Hermione, looking around at the bustling kitchen. "Do you want everyone within three floors to hear you?"
"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" shrilled Dobby, dancing in circles. "Dobby just cannot hold it all in! Finally house-elves will all be free!"
[You got that right,] Legolas thought grimly. "I think we'd better go, Hermione," he said aloud. "You'll be late for your next class." Reluctantly Dobby said goodbye and they climbed the stairs back to the painting.
Hermione excused herself and headed off for Potions class while Legolas wandered around until he found his way back to the common room and managed to get in by charming the Fat Lady with his extraordinarily good looks. Then he picked the lock on someone's trunk and got a few sheets of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink. Going back downstairs, he seated himself at one of the tables and got to work, his tongue between his teeth. After about ten minutes of hard work he had produced this:
~~~~~
TEN REASONS WHY I SHOULD BE YOUR LEADER INSTEAD OF HERMIONE GRANGER
1. I am an elf.
2. I can come up with a better organization name than S.P.E.W. Right now I favor something like "Shoot the Humans With Arrows Until They All Drop Dead and We Reign Supreme" (SHWAUTADDWRS).
3. I say forget wages and clothing, go for world domination.
4. I am tall.
5. I am blond.
6. I am hot.
7. I am humble.
8. I have arrows.
9. I know how to use them.
10. I will give you some and teach you how to use them.
~~~~~
Legolas was very satisfied with the overall tone of this document and set to work recopying it. At the end of an hour he had about thirty copies and was ready to start campaigning. Gathering them all into a neat stack, he nipped upstairs to grab some Spellotape and then headed out into the hallway to begin promoting awareness of elf superiority.
A/N: Hi, everybody. **waves at assembled readers**
Everybody: Hi, Princess Eilonwy. **wave back**
Now what did we learn from this story today?
Random Reader #1: **waves hand frantically** Oooh, I know, I know, call on me!
Okay, what did you learn?
Random Reader #1: I learned never to wake Gimli up at 3 AM!
Very good. Who else learned something from the story?
Random Reader #2: I learned that jam is a formidable weapon in the hands of an elf.
That's absolutely right. What else did you learn?
Random Reader #3: I discovered that the author of this story is completely insane and belongs in the looney bin.
**keeping temper under tight rein** Riiigght. Veeery good. Now run along and play. **readers scatter before Eilonwy can get hold of a sharp object** I'm glad you all learned something. If you didn't learn anything from this story, don't be discouraged because I would be really scared if you divined any valuable life lessons from this. Hopefully Coming As Soon As I Can Get The Time To Write It: Chapter Six.
A/N: Here it is...the long-awaited latest chapter in the story of three maniacs stranded with another bunch of maniacs. What will happen to our intrepid trio? How will they ever get back to Middle Earth? Do they really want to? The answers to all these questions will...be delayed until a later chapter. Bwa ha ha...
Elves Just Wanna Have Fun
The next morning, Gimli awoke to the sound of singing. From the sound of the pure, clear soprano he knew immediately who it was. "Legolas, shut up!" he grumbled.
"But it's such a great day," Legolas said enthusiastically, beginning to sing again as he gathered various articles of clothing and bottles.
Gimli glared at him ferociously. "Do you know what time it is, elf?" he inquired in a dangerously soft tone. "It is approximately THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Shut up or you'll wake the whole dormitory." He seemed oblivious to the fact that he was doing quite a good job of that without a bit of help from Legolas.
"Philistine," Legolas muttered as he picked up his stuff and headed for the door. "Absolutely no appreciation for art." He shook his head sadly, reaching for the door handle.
"Wait, where are you going?" Gimli demanded suspiciously. "You're not trying to get away from me, are you?"
"Oh, never," Legolas assured him. "I'm just going to go wash my hair. After all, we elves need to take care of our natural beauty." Rolling his eyes, Gimli mumbled something about "sissy, pointy-eared monster" which Legolas chose to ignore. He stepped outside and closed the door after him just as the rest of the dormitory started to stir.
"Wha...who...huh?" commented Harry intelligently. He sat up in bed, his hair sticking out in two-inch spikes. "Anyone know what time it is?"
Several others were sitting up now, yawning and looking around for whoever had disrupted their REM cycle. Normally Gimli would have just let them sit there miserably, but he felt like doing something considerate for a change. "EVERYONE GO BACK TO SLEEP!" he bellowed. "It's only three o'clock, it's not time to get up yet! Just pay no attention to me."
Somehow, this didn't seem to help matters. All the people in the room were awake now and there seemed to be a general feeling of hostility toward Gimli for some reason. With a falsely cheerful grin, Gimli looked at the circle of murderous, sleepy faces.
"Uh, that's right, you just all go on back to bed now..." One of the boys was groping under his bed for something. He produced a long, thin piece of wood which he brandished with maniacal glee.
"STUPEFY!" he roared, pointing it at Gimli. A blessed hush fell over the room, broken a few seconds later by heartfelt applause from everyone but the now-unconscious dwarf.
Five hours later, Gimli dragged himself into the Great Hall for breakfast, trailing after the squeaky-clean Legolas and Aragorn, who had finally woken up. Legolas waved cheerily to swooning girls all over the hall while Gimli gnashed his teeth in helpless anger and jealousy.
"Good morning, students," Dumbledore began mildly from the teacher's table as soon as everybody was settled. "Today I have some good news and some bad news." The students looked at one another in somewhat nervous anticipation as Dumbledore continued.
"The bad news is that yesterday Professor Parva threatened to quit her job here if people kept throwing paper airplanes and spitballs during Defense Against the Dark Arts class." The hall went absolutely quiet. "And the good news is that..." Hundreds of expectant faces leaned toward him. "This morning she made good her promise and at this very moment is on her way back to King's Cross Station," Dumbledore finished with a satisfied smile. Loud whoops of joy echoed off the stone walls as students high- fived each other in ecstasy.
"Due to this not entirely unwelcome circumstance, we have no Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for the present, so all those classes are canceled until further notice." More yells and catcalls. Aragorn raised his head and stared in Dumbledore's general direction, looking as if he was actually thinking. [What is he plotting now?] Legolas wondered.
As they started to dig in, Legolas noticed that three boys were arriving late. The smallest was handsome in a cruel, arrogant sort of way, while the two other boys walking next to him like bookends closely resembled some orcs he'd killed just last week. "Hey," he said, nudging Fred, who was sitting with them again. "Who's that?" He indicated the sneering kid and his two cronies, who were now seating themselves at the adjacent table.
Fred looked distastefully at him. "That creature-and believe me, I use the term loosely-over there is Draco Malfoy, the most demonic kid I have ever known. Just steer clear of him." He turned back to his toast, shuddering in disgust.
[Draco Malfoy, eh?] Legolas mused. He noted that about one third of the girls eating breakfast were following Malfoy's every move and batting their eyelashes if he chanced to look their way. [Well, Malfoy, you have a few too many admirers for my comfort. After all, can't have girls ignoring me, can we? I reckon it's about time you get what's coming to you...]
A plot sprang fully formed to his mind. It was simple but brilliant. And it could be accomplished with materials readily at hand...He looked up and down the table until he located what he was searching for.
"Hey, Aragorn," he called down the table. "Please pass the jam." Aragorn passed him the jar with-yes! A tablespoon that was just perfect for his purposes.
Eagerly, Legolas unscrewed the lid of the jam jar and took a heaping spoonful. Then, keeping in mind everything he knew about marksmanship, he moved the spoon into precise alignment and took careful aim at the back of Malfoy's head.
Elves are deadly shots with jam. The goo hit Malfoy right between the ears. SPLAT! For a moment, Malfoy sat there in shock before he registered that his hair was dripping fruit. Those few seconds were all Legolas needed. Suppressing an evil grin, he poked Gimli and handed him the spoon.
"Here, Gimli," he said brightly. "Congratulations, you've won a free spoon." Gimli held the spoon up before his face in awe and examined it while Legolas shook with silent laughter. If he'd timed this correctly, everything should come together right about...now.
Gimli held the spoon high over his head in exultation. "Yes! I did it!" he cried proudly just as Malfoy turned around furiously, sporting his new strawberry blond highlights. They locked gazes for a minute before Gimli realized he had said the worst thing possible under the circumstances and shrank back in horror.
Malfoy was breathing quickly, his eyes narrowed to slits. "I'll take care of *you* after breakfast, dwarf," he spat loud enough for the whole hall to hear. "Crabbe and Goyle don't like people who start food fights, *do* you, boys?" They were unsure for a second, but then the meaning of the question somehow penetrated their thick skulls and they shook their heads menacingly. Malfoy glared daggers at the badly frightened Gimli while trying to comb seeds and pulp out of his ex-perfect hair. Then he turned around and continued eating exactly as if he didn't know everyone in the school was watching him.
"I thought you didn't believe in practical jokes," Fred murmured to Legolas. He grinned evilly.
"I don't. I believe in poetic justice." George nodded sagely and winked at him before demolishing his fifth slice of bread.
Apparently, Gimli wasn't the only one who was dissatisfied with the way breakfast was going. "Cheapskate house-elves," Ron grumbled, slathering butter on his toast. "Couldn't give us anything better than plain old bread. I mean, what happened to the eggs and bacon and stuff like that?"
But Legolas wasn't concerned with bacon and eggs at the moment. He leaned forward urgently. "Did you say elves?" he demanded of Ron, who shared an "Uh-oh, here we go again" look with Harry.
"House-elves," corrected Hermione promptly, eager to leap into a conversation with someone who might be even slightly interested in house- elf rights. "They do all the cooking around here and it's just terrible because they don't get paid and they have to wear tea-towels instead of regular clothes and they-" Legolas was no longer listening.
"Take me to the kitchen," he commanded peremptorily. Hermione looked a little taken aback, but consented readily. Despite Ron and Harry's attempts to stop her, she finished her toast hurriedly and led him off down one of the many corridors he hadn't seen yet.
She chattered breathlessly the whole way. "...And nobody wanted to join S.P.E.W. because they don't want to have to think about the elf labor they indirectly sanction by using products made by elves or, worse yet, owning their own house-elf..." At proper intervals, Legolas nodded or "mmm-hmm"ed his agreement and approval, but inside his twisted little mind he was already hatching a plot.
At last they reached a picture of a bowl of fruit. Hermione tickled the pear and, to Legolas's amazement, the picture swung outward revealing a staircase. They descended it for a few minutes in silence and at last arrived in an enormous room that was undoubtedly the kitchen.
A small, ugly creature ran up to meet Hermione with an excited squeak. "Hermione has come to visit Dobby! Oh, Dobby is so very, very, very, very happy to see Hermione. He has missed her so!" After giving her a hug around the knees, he turned to Legolas.
"But who is this friend of Hermione? Dobby has never seen him before!" he exclaimed, looking up at him. It was a long way to look, but he managed it somehow.
Legolas thrust out his chest. "I am the almighty Legolas," he proclaimed. "I am an elf and I have come to deliver you from servitude. Together we can take over the worl-uh, campaign for elf rights," he amended hastily, seeing Hermione's face. He'd have to plan the revolution in secret.
"Oh, almighty Legolas is great and good!" cried Dobby shrilly, gazing at him even more intensely. "Almighty Legolas will rescue his people from bondage!"
"Hush!" hissed Hermione, looking around at the bustling kitchen. "Do you want everyone within three floors to hear you?"
"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" shrilled Dobby, dancing in circles. "Dobby just cannot hold it all in! Finally house-elves will all be free!"
[You got that right,] Legolas thought grimly. "I think we'd better go, Hermione," he said aloud. "You'll be late for your next class." Reluctantly Dobby said goodbye and they climbed the stairs back to the painting.
Hermione excused herself and headed off for Potions class while Legolas wandered around until he found his way back to the common room and managed to get in by charming the Fat Lady with his extraordinarily good looks. Then he picked the lock on someone's trunk and got a few sheets of parchment, a quill, and a bottle of ink. Going back downstairs, he seated himself at one of the tables and got to work, his tongue between his teeth. After about ten minutes of hard work he had produced this:
~~~~~
TEN REASONS WHY I SHOULD BE YOUR LEADER INSTEAD OF HERMIONE GRANGER
1. I am an elf.
2. I can come up with a better organization name than S.P.E.W. Right now I favor something like "Shoot the Humans With Arrows Until They All Drop Dead and We Reign Supreme" (SHWAUTADDWRS).
3. I say forget wages and clothing, go for world domination.
4. I am tall.
5. I am blond.
6. I am hot.
7. I am humble.
8. I have arrows.
9. I know how to use them.
10. I will give you some and teach you how to use them.
~~~~~
Legolas was very satisfied with the overall tone of this document and set to work recopying it. At the end of an hour he had about thirty copies and was ready to start campaigning. Gathering them all into a neat stack, he nipped upstairs to grab some Spellotape and then headed out into the hallway to begin promoting awareness of elf superiority.
A/N: Hi, everybody. **waves at assembled readers**
Everybody: Hi, Princess Eilonwy. **wave back**
Now what did we learn from this story today?
Random Reader #1: **waves hand frantically** Oooh, I know, I know, call on me!
Okay, what did you learn?
Random Reader #1: I learned never to wake Gimli up at 3 AM!
Very good. Who else learned something from the story?
Random Reader #2: I learned that jam is a formidable weapon in the hands of an elf.
That's absolutely right. What else did you learn?
Random Reader #3: I discovered that the author of this story is completely insane and belongs in the looney bin.
**keeping temper under tight rein** Riiigght. Veeery good. Now run along and play. **readers scatter before Eilonwy can get hold of a sharp object** I'm glad you all learned something. If you didn't learn anything from this story, don't be discouraged because I would be really scared if you divined any valuable life lessons from this. Hopefully Coming As Soon As I Can Get The Time To Write It: Chapter Six.