Chapter 1: Reasons

He picked me up
Then he dropped me on my ass
I could have shattered
But honey I'll tell you
Everything's wonderful
Why do you ask?
Why do you ask?

I look to the right at Irvine as he sleeps. Sighing, I think over what took place a couple hours earlier. My hands clutch the sheet to my body as I slide out of the bed and reach for my bra and underwear on the floor and slip into them. The sheet falls to the floor as I head for the bathroom where I close the door silently and flip on the light. Reaching the shower I remove my under clothes once again and step into the stream of warm water. My body shudders as the water slices down my skin and I wash my hair and body before reaching through the curtain for a towel. I wrap the fluffy material around myself and step out of the stall.

"What the hell were you thinking, Selphie?" I question my reflection in the mirror. Another sigh escapes my lips as I study my mirror image. I dress again in my underwear and proceed back into the other room to look for the rest of my clothes. Once fully dressed I glance at the clock: 5:13 am. I open the door to let myself out, looking back to the man lying in the bed. He shifts in his sleep, taking up the spot I recently vacated and I tiptoe back over to the bedside and lean over him. Studying him for a minute I sigh before reaching out and carefully brushing his hair back from his face and kissing his cheek as soft as possible, trying to avoid waking him. Before I leave I lean down so that my lips brush his ear and whisper something that has been haunting my soul for a long time.

"I love you, Irvine. Take care of yourself, okay?" Then I slip out of his room.

I walk down the halls of Garden, my jacket draped over my left arm. A shiver courses through me and I look at my feet as I go, thinking about my options. My mind made up, I hesitantly walk back to my own room. Once there I pick up a duffle bag and fill it with as many of my belongings as I can. I do the same thing with my backpack, removing my SeeD passport and train pass and sitting them on my desk. I am just about to put them into my purse when I catch sight of myself in my mirror. I look at myself closely. I've let my hair grow since our adventures with the sorceress, and it now reaches to the base of my shoulder blades. Irvine has said on several occasions how much he loves my hair long, and an irrational anger takes over as I stare at my mirror image. The anger makes me reach out and grab a pair of scissors that are conveniently sitting on my dresser. Cringing at first when I chop my hair, I soon smile as the strands fall away. I keep cutting it, past my shoulders until finally I style I stop when it is chin-length. It is not very stylish, and it is choppy and uneven but I don't care right now. Currently I am still too hurt to care about anything. Looking at the clock now I silently swear because it's 7:49. Too late for me to leave today, but that doesn't mean I can't lay low for a while. Opening a couple drawers and pulling out clothes I look at them with distaste; I really need to go shopping for new clothes. I open my closet and shuffle through looking at my dresses and finally pull out a pair of faded blue jeans and a tight black t-shirt. There is just no way I can put on a bright sundress today, I'm not in the mood. After getting dressed I decide to get something to eat before all of my friends are up and about.

I make my way slowly to the cafeteria and study as many details of Balamb Garden as I can. As I walk I try to suppress memories of what happened last night, but my brain brings them up anyway. It had gone farther than I had intended. Irvine and I have been friends since the orphanage, but I have always felt more than just friendship towards him. I've always had a love for him that I didn't have for anybody else. It had sort of scared me that I had these feelings, and I tried to keep them safely hidden away. Last night had been a mistake. I always promised myself that I wouldn't have sex until I was married, and last night I cheated myself out of that promise. It perplexes me, why I let him seduce me into bed with him…I am positive that he doesn't care for me any more this morning than he did yesterday. I, on the other hand, can't get him out of my head. We'd been talking and laughing in his room, regaling one another with the tales of our most recent missions when he had suddenly reached out and stroked my face. My smile and laughter promptly died in my throat and I'd raised my eyes, wondering what he was doing. Then he had kissed me; the best kiss I've ever had in my life. And things continued from there. When it was all over, though, Irvine had turned away from me and fallen asleep, and I was left with the the glaring reality that I had been used. What other explanation was there?

The idea is new to me…but my mind taunts me with the realization that he may have never cared for me at all, that maybe it was just a ploy to get me into his bed and live out a fantasy. Perhaps I was a special challenge for him, because I was not an easy catch. Ha! I wound up being a lot easier than he probably thought I would be. All this is running through my head as I walk through the corridors of the Garden. I don't see the people I run into, nor do I acknowledge their presence, I just keep walking...wherever it is that my legs are taking me. Finally looking up when my body halts I see that I've at least managed to wander to the cafeteria. Entering the doors I look around and notice that Quistis and Sally (Zell's girlfriend) are sitting at a table together, having a conversation. Quistis looks up and calls me over, a frown appearing on her face. I try to smile, and to put the bounce in my step so nobody will know that something is wrong, but fail.

I sit down at the table with two of my best friends and they both just stare at me. My mind begins to chant 'I'm invisible. They can't see me. I'm invisible…' as I sit in the uncomfortable chair.

"Selphie, are you alright?" Quistis questions, reaching out and taking hold of my left hand.

"No." The word slips through my lips before I have time to stop it and I look up with a horrified expression.

"What's wrong?"

I remain silent.

"Come on Selph, you know you can tell us anything. Now what's the matter? You look like your pet just died…" Quistis' voice fades away as she gets a thoughtful look. No doubt she's trying to figure out what would make me, the ever-cheerful and upbeat Selphie, sad.

"No, I'm fine." Again I try to force a smile, but it feels plastic.

"Babe, you know that I don't believe you. If you want to tell me—"

"I slept with Irvine." Quistis freezes, literally freezes, staring at me with wide eyes. I've never told anyone about my feelings for Irvine, but of all of my friends the one quick enough and observant enough to notice would definitely be Quistis, and by the look that flits over her face I know that she has figured it out.

"What happened? How did this happen?" Quistis questions, very serious.

"I didn't even know that you liked Irvine like that!" Sally exclaims. Quistis gives her a quick disbelieving look that makes me smile a little. Sometimes Quistis seems to forget that she is practically a genius and is likely to be a few steps aheahd of the rest of us. Not that any of us are stupid, but she is definitely the smartest among us, as well as the best at reading people. That is why I trusted her when it came to her choice of boyfriend. If Quistis approved of Seifer, then who the hell am I to question her decision? It brought Quistis and I a lot closer, because I was the only one other than Irvine to embrace the two of them without hesitation.

"It just happened, Quis." My lower lip trembles, and my hands tighten into fists as I try to control my emotions.

"Selphie...come here, sweetie." I'm enveloped in Quistis's arms as she tries her best to comfort me.

"What exactly happened, Selphie? Maybe if you tell us we can help." Sally prods, putting her hand on my shoulder.

Hesitant, I look around the cafeteria. "Can we go somewhere a little less crowded and…obvious?" I inquire.

"Of course!" They both reply simultaneously.

We make our way to the secret meeting place in the training center. Once there both women turn to me, expectant.

"Like I said...I slept with Irvine last night."

"Yes, but why would that depress you? I know that you love him." Damn, Quistis is not holding anything back.

"Be…because I feel like I cheated myself out of my own promise." The lie slips out like Jell-O off a plate—I've gotten good at covering up my feelings.

Quistis and Sally both sit there and stare at the ground, thinking. Finally Quistis looks up.

"Was it your idea?"

"Not really. It was more him…I wasn't too sure about it at first." They absorb this information, and I see Quistis' face twitch and I know that she's getting mad. Trying to defuse her anger, I quickly add, "But it's not like he made me or anything. He just started kissing me and I completely lost my mind and forgot all about stopping. Forgot about everything, actually."

"That doesn't explain why you are sad, though. I could understand being a little angry with yourself about breaking a promise...but it doesn't explain the sorrow." Shit, why does Quistis have to be so observant? Why does she have to know me so well?

"I suppose...well..." I trail off, feeling uncomfortable talking about this at all, let alone with Sally present because...don't get me wrong, I love the girl but I just am not as close to her as I am to Quistis. I'm not close enough to her to feel calm explaining this in her presence. Quistis seems to get it, and surprisingly Sally seems to catch on as well.

She looks at her watch and exclaims, "Crap, I'm going to be late for my shift in the library! I'll see you two later!" Even though I know that it is Friday and she does not have to work until noon on Fridays. Bless her, though. Once she is gone, Quistis's shrewd eyes refocus on me.

"Okay, so...we slept together. And it was...like the first time that you use magic. It was beyond description, I was on cloud nine. Then Irvine kisses my shoulder, turns away from me and falls asleep. I felt...I feel used." Quistis takes her time, mulling over what I said before replying.

"What do you plan to do about it?"

"I...I'm all packed and ready to go. I suppose I have to go talk to Cid about it, but I think I'll transfer back to Trabia. I can be with my old friends and…" My voice cracks and tears well up in my eyes. I look back at Quistis and I can see the concern in her eyes.

"So you're leaving Balamb altogether?"

I nod. "If I stay here I think I might go crazy. I swear to you if I see him with just one other girl I'll snap, and I don't want to do that. I can't be jealous over someone who isn't even mine to be jealous about so it is best if I remove myself from the situation."

"You aren't even going to confront him about what happened? I mean...maybe there is an explanation for how he behaved." I love Quistis so much, she is the big sister I never had, but I have to remember that she also cares about Irvine. He's her kid brother, and she loves him every bit as much as she does all of us from the orphanage.

"I couldn't handle that, Quisty. I think that...maybe some time apart will help me clear my head. I'm not saying that I'm going away forever, but for now I think this is my best option."

"I can't believe Irvine has made such a mess of things, that ass! Ohh…when I see him again I am beating some sense into him with Save the Queen!" Quistis growls, though she looks at me with concern. Probably because I'e started to cry.

I look up and smile a little through my tears. "No, Quistis, don't hurt him. Please? And…don't tell him where I've gone, okay? If he even cares."

Quistis reluctantly nods her head in agreement, though I can still see that she would like to beat Irvine to his deathbed. Hell, she probably still will give him some sort of anguish…if not physical, then mental.

"Come on, Sefie, lets go get you cleaned up and I'll fix this hair of your if you want." As she says this she reaches out and fingers the uneven strands of hair I massacred earlier. This makes me choke on laughter, and she helps me to my feet so we can go back to my room.

Quistis helps me get the rest of my bags packed, and then sits me on a chair in the bathroom where she fixes the damage to my hair. She cuts my hair into a trendy bob, and I'm amazed when I see what she has done. I barely recognize myself in the mirror—I look more mature, like a true grown up. While I get over the shock of my new hair and try to hold myself together Quistis goes up and sets an appointment for me to see Cid. My clothes got dirty in the training center, so I change into khaki track pants with a green zipper all the way up both legs, and a navy blue t-shirt with names of all the people who had been on my soccer team at Trabia written in white on the back. A slight smile lights up my face at the prospect of being able to play soccer again. For some reason that I never figured out, they don't have soccer teams at Balamb. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and unconsciously reach a hand up to my short tresses.

Quistis doen't even knock when she returns, she just quietly enters my room. "You have an appointment next week, Thursday. I have a feeling he'll let you go. And if he doesn't, well, we'll go to Matron then." A loving smile lights up Quistis' face as she looks at me. "I feel as though I'm sending my little sister back out into the world. I'm coming to visit you, so be prepared." With that said, Quistis hugs me tightly and leaves me to myself.

The week passes by in a flash—probably because I don't do much except sleep—and I find myself glaring down the throat of my meeting with Headmaster Cid. Keys in hand I head for the elevator. My mind wanders as I walk, and a picture of Irvine enters my minds eye. I force a frown at the thought and continue walking. Once on the elevator I begin to get nervous. What am I going to tell Cid? He's going to want some reasoning behind my moving back to my old Garden. My mind works fast as the elevator comes to a stop on the third floor. I exit and walk through the doors to come face to face with the Headmaster.

"Ah, Selphie Tilmitt. What can I do for you?" He's the same rumpled father-figure I've always known, and this puts me more at ease. Cid has always wanted what's best for all of us, wanted us to be happy. If he thinks returning to Trabia will make me happy he'll agree.

"Uhh, I came to ask a huge favor, Headmaster."

"And what may that be?" He removes his glasses and rubs his eyes before giving me all of his attention.

"I want to go back to Trabia Garden. I miss all of my old friends and playing soccer and…I want to go back." That was so lame, Selphie.

"Well, I must say I didn't see this one coming. I thought you were happy here with the gang from the orphanage—"

"Oh, I am happy here. It's just…I really miss my old home. Squall and them, they can visit me and I can visit them."

Headmaster Cid opens his mouth as though he is about to say something, and I see in his eyes that it is probably going to be a question I don't want to answer. Then he closes his mouth and nods his head.

"Okay, Selphie. I'll allow you a transfer. Be ready to move out next week. I'll have the gang take you there in the Ragnorak." Cid nods to me, and I salute him before leaving the office, hoping with everything I have that Irvine will still be on his mission next week.

Author's Notes: Revised! Tell me what you think! The song at the beginning is Everything's Wonderful by Abbie Travis. I felt it fits Selphie in this chapter because she is always trying to make everyone believe that things are okay, even though they aren't.