Chapter 2: Striking Out
Help me breathe,
Help me believe,
You seem really glad that I am sad.
You are not my friend,
I cannot pretend that you are.
I exit Headmaster Cid's office with sadness. The thought of going back to the place that holds most of my memories from age ten and up has little thrill at the moment; all I can think about is everything that I am leaving behind—the friends and the man that I love, regardless of how he feels about me. I stare at my feet as I make my way back to the elevator and from there to my room. I run into someone on my way and ignore the person's protests. Reaching a hand up to tug on my hair I get only air. A sigh sneaks out, a habit that is beginning to grow on me, as I remember my heated chopping of my long tresses. Upon reaching my door I grope in my pocket for a key and come up empty. Becoming frustrated with how this day is treating me I kick the door and it swings open. I shrug my shoulders and enter, closing the door behind me. I find my keys on the floor by the door—I must have dropped them in my hurry to get to Cid's office. I place them on a table by the door.
Flopping down on my bed my eyelids droop as I stare at the red numbers on the clock. The next thing I know I'm waking up to pounding on my door. Dragging myself up I answer it, seeing Rinoa, Squall and Zell standing there looking angry and confused. I turn and walk back into my apartment, leaving the door open for them. They enter and glance around at the condition of my living quarters, the barrenness of my apartment. Rinoa is the first to speak.
"We got called into Headmaster Cid's office a little while ago. He informed us of your plan."
"Yeah? I figured he would," I yawn.
"Selphie, what's going on here?" Squall inquires.
"Well, at least one of you can get straight to the point. I figured it would be you, Squall. You're not the 'beat around the bush' kind. I just want to go home. I miss things at Trabia and…well, I'm tired of the way things are here."
"What do you mean?" Zell questions, the muscles in his forearm flexing as he opens and closes his fist. I recognize this as his habit when he is frustrated, and the fact that I know them all so well just about tears me apart because I really don't want to leave them. However, I cannot stay here where Irvine is, and there is my problem.
"I'm just tired of—shit, the truth is I'm just not happy here. I miss playing soccer, I miss my friends from Trabia...I want to go on missions—do something! Plus, I need to get myself away from Irvine."
"What the hell does Irvine have to do with all of this?" Zell's eyes look a little wild. Shit.
"He has nothing to do with it except that I'm..." can I really admit to them I'm in love with him? No. No, I cannot. What do I say, then? "Listen, it's personal, and I'd rather keep that to myself. Just take me at my word, I need to get myself away from him, and it is all my doing." They look like they might still protest, so I rush to reassure them by telling them, "This is just a temporary sort of thing, guys. I'm sure that I'll be back here this time next year. I just need a little time away to get myself back together and everything. I can't think of a better place to go than where I called home for a majority of my life."
"What the hell happened? I never got the impression you were unhappy until just now, Selphie."
"Nothing happened! I'm just a much better actress than I thought apparently, because I have been sort of miserable recently. You should all know by now, though, that I'll hide that. It's just how I am. But now I need some time, I need to figure things out because I cannot be like this, I cannot pretend anymore. I just—I just want to get out of here!" I almost broke out of my tight lie. It almost slipped—but not quite. And while Quistis would have seen through my lie (and not just because she actually knows the truth), the rest of them don't know me as well as she does. They don't know my capabilities when it comes to telling lies. I guess they still see me as the naïve one.
Zell opens his mouth, but a look from Rinoa cuts him off.
"I understand, Phie. You need to be away from here for a while. And we won't say anything to Irvine." I catch a look in Squall's eyes that makes me panic a little.
"Listen, I made Quistis promise me this, and I'm going to make all of you do the same. And if you see Seifer you have to tell him also. You are not to hurt Irvine. Just leave him alone, and please don't pry. This isn't his fault, it's mine."
They all agree to my request and I thank them, not knowing how much I am asking of them. Slowly, they stand up and head for the door, and I watch them walk down the corridor for a minute before going back inside. I lay down on the couch and fall back into a deep slumber. The rest of my time at Balamb rushes by with me sleeping most of the time. I've never been this lethargic, or slept this much in my life.
I wake up the morning of my departure and finish packing my things into duffle bags. Just as I finish there is a knock on the door and I walk over and answer it to see Irvine standing there. I freeze with the door cracked and my body blocking the entrance. Shit, what does he want? Why is he back? He is supposed to be on a mission, damn it!
"Sefie." He sounds and looks shocked, and when he reaches out and strokes my hair I remember that he hasn't seen me since I lost my mind and took it out on my hair.
I continue to stare at him, forcing my eyes to remain indifferent while a volcano of emotion erupts inside of me. The anxiety in his eyes draws my attention as he stands there.
"What do you want?" my voice holds less ice than I intended, and instead it comes out almost fearful.
"Can I come in?"
"No. No, you can't," I fight against the fear in my voice and force the answer out. An expression crosses his face, but it is gone before I can identify it.
"Aw, come on Sefie. I need to talk to you." I glance behind me to make sure the room holds no clues that I am leaving. It doesn't. But it also doesn't hold anything that would make one think I live here. The space is bare of all of my usual knick knacks and photos, there are no random shoes by the coffee table, no books or magazines thrown haphazardly on arm rests or side tables. No, he cannot come in, he'll know something is wrong.
"I said no, and I mean it. I don't feel like talking." I shrink back a little as anger crosses his face; he never gets angry with me. He pushes the door open and enters my quarters. I stumble a little from the sudden loss of my support. The room spins as I try to regain my balance and I notice my world has gone blurry. Reaching up I brush away a tear before it escapes my lashes and brace myself against the now closed door to try to get rid of my dizziness. As I regain my bearings I look to Irvine. He is staring at me, concern in his eyes. And why shouldn't he be concerned? He barely pushed the door, and I almost fell over. That's not normal.
"I need to talk to you, Selph."
"No you don't. I don't feel like talking—I can't even think straight right now." I put a hand on either side of my head to stop the rooms spinning, so I don't notice Irvine moving towards me, and all I hear is slurred together jargon.
"Selphie, are you okay?"
That is the only thing I make out before I get sick. Before I have time to react my stomach rejects everything I've eaten the past twenty-four hours. I stand in the same spot gasping for air, my hands resting on my knees.
"Damn it, could you not turn the other way?" Irvine shouts as I try to stay on my feet. My legs have started shaking under my weight and I feel light headed. I glare up at him from under my lashes. I reach a hand up to wipe some hair from my eyes and realize that I've broken out into a cold sweat. It is then that I see that my vomit landed all over Irvine's shoes. Serves him right.
"No, sorry. I wasn't planning on doing that or anything. If you'll excuse me, I don't feel very good, so either hurry up with what you wanted to say or get out so I can rest." He reaches out and steadies me as I am quite literally swaying on my feet. I feel a surge of love for him as he rubs my arms to make me feel better, but that is a dangerous emotion right now so I quickly clamp down on it.
"I came about what happened—between us. Now I'm a little worried—about you. I realized that we didn't use any protection, and—"
"And you came to see if I'm pregnant? I'm not a complete dunce, you know. I've been on birth control since I was 15, Irvine. But even if I was, I'd take care of everything like I always do."
"That's not what—"
"Can you just get out of my room? You woke me up and I got a major head rush—that's why I threw up. And now I'm getting a headache. I want to go back to bed."
Irvine takes the hint and leaves. He turns back to me at the door and opens his mouth as though he is going to say something but then he shuts it and stares at me for a minute. "I'm leaving for a mission in a few minutes, but when I get back I want to talk to you about what happened, Selphie." Then he closes the door behind him, and I cannot help but wonder if that is the last time I will ever see him.
A sob escapes my throat as I stumble my way to the bathroom. Once there I throw up again. I hug the toilet for a few minutes longer before my tears subside and I have nothing left in my stomach to purge. Standing up I look at myself in the mirror. For the first time I let myself think about what I would do if I am pregnant, but quickly banish the thought as soon as it enters my mind. I reach for my toothbrush and scrub my teeth and tongue to annihilate the taste of bile that lingers in my mouth. Spitting into the sink and rinsing with water before I exit the bathroom, I take deep breaths to calm myself and get back under control within minutes. Then I proceed to clean up the mess remaining on the floor by the door. I choke as I do so, the mere thought of vomiting making my stomach lurch. Rushing back into the bathroom, I dry heave for a few more minutes.
After I finish, there is another knock at my door. This time it is Rinoa, Sally, and Quistis.
"We came to help you with your stuff. We're leaving in two hours, but I figured we could put your stuff on the Ragnorak and then catch a late breakfast. Is that okay with you?" Quistis explains.
"Yes, that's fine. I'm starving." More than they could guess.
The next half hour is spent moving my belongings onto the air-ship. Quistis and Rinoa joke the whole time to keep the mood light, and I find myself laughing with them a few times.
"Rinoa, try to put things down in a more organized manner."
"Quistis, we don't have time to be anal retentive."
"Yes, but a little organization wouldn't hurt."
"Yes it will. It will hurt my empty stomach," I complain.
"I swear you think about food as much as Zell! You need help." I stick my tongue out at Quistis and she just laughs in reply.
"Hey Quistis?"
"Yes Rin?"
Rinoa turns to me with an evil grin. "Would you be my friend if one of my eyes was crossed?" She proceeds to cross one eye and look at Quistis with the other one.
"No, I would not," Quistis replies with a straight face, turning back to her work. She winks at me and gives a slight smile, which makes me chuckle, and Rinoa sticks her tongue out at both of us, mimicking my earlier action. I'm going to miss them.
We finish piling my belongings into the storage room on the Ragnorak and head for the cafeteria. Once there we sit at a table in the corner and talk.
"Are we just going to sit here forever or are we going to get food?" Sally questions after a while.
We all look at each other, then at once jump up and head for the line. We burst into laughter at the same time once we reach the line and that only makes us laugh harder. I reach out and pick up some pancakes and bacon and walk down to the cashier. I type in my number and wait for Quistis and Rinoa to do the same. We walk back to the table and sit down to eat. I take a bite of my pancakes and realize how hungry I am.
"Selphie, are you trying to be Zell?" Quistis inquires as she observes me shoving food into my mouth. We all cackle and I choke on the food in my mouth, which only causes our laughter to increase, and my ab muscles begin to ache. I look up and happen to see Seifer enter the cafeteria while I swallow the food in my mouth.
"Quistis, lover boy just came in," I tease. I guess it's still just a little weird that those two are dating. She is the one that got Seifer re-admitted into Garden. He was instated as a SeeD after passing the test two weeks after his return. As weird as it is, I'll miss seeing them together when I'm gone. He strides over to our table and sits in one of the empty chairs.
"You girls almost ready to go?"
"Just about. Right now we're trying to figure out how Selphie can fit so much food in her mouth," Quistis replies.
I cover my face with my hands and feign embarrassment. "Quistis!"
"No, really! She could give Zell a run for his money!"
I lay my head in my arms on the table and my whole body shakes with laughter. Just as I'm calming down I get a strange sensation in my stomach. I jump to my feet and race for the bathroom in the cafeteria. Quistis follows.
I get to the toilet just in time to lose most of what I just ate. Quistis smoothes what's left of my hair back for me and strokes my back as my bottomless pit empties itself. My legs shake under my weight and my hands tremble as I reach for a tissue. When I finish purging myself Quistis helps me back into the cafeteria. Rinoa and Seifer give me a strange look.
"Selphie, are you going to be okay? You're awfully pale," Quistis whispers in my ear as she helps me back into my seat. I take deep breaths to steady myself.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I think I've over-exerted myself emotionally and physically the past twenty-four hours."
Quistis nods, but her eyes say she doesn't believe me. "Promise me you'll see the doctor when we get to Trabia, okay?"
I look her in the eyes and know she won't have it any other way. I give her a weak smile and nod. "Only for you Quisty."
She grins back at me, "I know."
We sit at the table for a minute or so more while I recover my 'land legs'. When I feel better I stand up.
"Lets get going. Squall is going to be pissed if we're late."
"He'll get over it…after all, I'm with you." Rinoa smirks and leads the way to the Ragnorak. When we reach it I trudge up the steps and into the seating area. Squall comes down from the cockpit and frowns for a minute. Rinoa rushes up to him and whispers something in his ear. I pull my compact out of my purse and look at myself: my face is very ashen, there are dark circles under my eyes, and I can feel my stomach roiling. I sit back in my chair and close my eyes. My body jolts with the ship as it takes off and I sink deeper into my seat.
The whole ride to Trabia is filled with laughing and joking around. Everyone is trying to keep the mood light for me. I have the best friends, I think. Halfway there, Quistis and Rinoa bust out a picnic basket of food they stowed away on the ship. We all enjoy ourselves eating, and before we know it Ragnorak is landing. We exit and look around at the renovated Garden. I breathe in the cool, fresh air and smile. I missed this place. We carry my things to the room I'm assigned to and then head to the cafeteria for our last meal together. After eating, I say my goodbyes—making sure to get promises from all the girls that they will come visit me, knowing they will drag their boyfriends along as well. I wave as the Ragnorak takes off. Once it is out of sight, I head back to my room. They assigned me to the room right next to my best friend here—Rowen. She is in the hallway when I reach it.
"Selphie! It's so good to see you!" We hug each other. She steps back and looks at me. "Your hair looks so cute!"
"Thanks, so does yours!" She has put her auburn hair into an intricate weave on the top of her head, and the rest is up in a clip, similar to Quistis'.
"Come on, girl!" She pulls me down the hall, away from my door.
"Where?"
"I promised Quistis that you would keep your promise and see Dr. Jevir. Now lets go!"
I groan. "Can't I go see her tomorrow?"
"Nope, you're going now! While it is still fresh in our minds!" I let her lead me to the infirmary. I enter and look around. It looks almost identical to Balamb's infirmary, except for Dr. Jevir's personal touches.
I clear my throat and the doctor looks up.
"Well I'll be! Selphie Tilmitt! What brings you back here?"
"Oh, I moved back today!"
"Ah! So what can I do for you?"
"Well, I haven't been feeling too great recently…"
"Okay, take a seat on the table."
I watch as she gets out her clipboard and fills in my name.
"You know the drill, I have to ask you all sorts of questions…"
"Yeah, I remember."
"Here we go! Name—got it. Age?"
"19."
"What are your symptoms?"
"It seems that just about every time I eat it all comes back up. It woke me up this morning…and after I ate my breakfast it all came back up."
"Have you eaten anything else today?"
"I nibbled a little at lunch time and then I ate dinner, and so far that has stayed down."
"Okay. Have you had a fever?"
"No."
"Dizziness?"
"Yes! The worst dizziness I've ever had this morning, just before I threw up." She notes this on the clipboard then looks over it all.
"I think you just have a stomach virus. There's not much I can do about it but tell you to eat in small increments and drink plenty of fluids. If it doesn't go away on its own or it gets worse, come see me. We'll go from there."
I smile at her as she hands me a lollipop and I jump off the table to leave her office. Rowen is waiting outside the door.
"So?"
"She said it is probably just a stomach virus."
"Ew, stay away from me!" She jokes, pushing me farther away from her. I slap her arm and she hugs me. "You know I love you Selph!" We walk back to our rooms together and say good night when I reach my door. I open it and step into my new room. I look around and sigh: I have a lot of things to unpack. I set to work arranging the room the way I like it. Once I put the furniture where I want it I turn to the boxes containing my belongings. I tear the one marked 'Bedroom' open and begin pulling things out. I make my bed, put my clothes in my dresser and closet, set up my electronics (TV, Computer, Stereo, phone, etc.), and decorate the room. I glance at the clock and it reads 9 pm and, yawning, I decide to call it a night. I change into my pajamas and fall asleep at a quarter after nine.
Author's Notes: There! This one has been revamped as well! I felt like editing today! The song is Not My Friend by Norah Jones. Well, Hopefully I'll post this soon…
Gilly Bean the cranky!