Chapter 8: Waking

Lost again, broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me,
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...

"Wake up." The cruel voice brings me back to life.

I feel so heavy, so fucking heavy. I've been running for hours, and I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. There is an ever-increasing throb in my head, and as it gets worse my body becomes heavier. Why do my limbs feel like they weigh two-thousand pounds each? There's a great pressure pressing down on me, and no matter what I try to do I can't escape it. My mind won't function, thoughts incoherent. There is something I can't remember, the wall in my mind blocking an important piece of information. The sensation is familiar, similar to what happened after Time Compression. The mind is a wonderful thing. Whenever it has something too big to deal with, it hides it away—it runs away from trouble as my body runs towards it. But I hate this cowards way out my own mind chooses to follow.

As the pain descends on me, images superimpose themselves behind my eyelids that refuse to open. Tessa Eve, my gatherer of life. Where is she? I can't hear her, but somehow I know she is crying. That triggers something in my head, and my body jolts up of its own accord. I was running away when someone caught me…I remember thinking that Tessa was crying. My eyes are open, I can feel air on them, but I can't see anything but darkness and then trees. Lots of trees, and rope. Then a searing pain brands my memory and the fear enters my awareness. I can tell my muscles are all tensed, and my brain briefly suggests that I probably look like a rock right now before being swallowed again by the mental video. Myself being hoisted by the arms, hung from a tree and thrashed with a metal tipped whip, a whip that makes Quistis's seem like a child's play thing. Before I even register that the whip has stopped cracking something is stabbing into my stomach, then shoulder all the while whispering and telling me things. Their voices are inhuman, as though they feel nothing and enjoy inflicting this pain on me. The next thing I know my assailants have cut off my pants and shirt, leaving me in my underwear. An unnatural scream reaches my ears and I don't even realize it came from me. A piece of my shirt is shoved into my mouth and the sound stops.

My arm is numb with pain, it hurts to breathe, blood is flowing from me like water from a tap, my hair has been chopped off, my face and abdomen have become punching bags. Tears flow from me for the first twenty minutes of the assault before even they flee me to deal with my torment alone. When the men have had their fun with me, I'm left hanging there with the thought that at least I wasn't raped…at least I retain some part of myself. No matter what happened with Irvine, at least it was love on my side, and at least I was left this one thing. I manage to spit out my shirt and suck in precious oxygen. It all hurts so much, and I can't stay awake. Help won't come for me, not here and not before I've spilled all of my blood onto the trees and flowers. But Tessa—Sheena or Sir Laguna will find her and she'll be okay. She'll have a home and people who love her, no matter what.

A sting in my arm brings me back to life, and my mind thinks the worst. The men came back for me, they kept me alive and now they want to do it all again in a never ending cycle. But as my eyes start to come into focus and I begin to feel, I know that I'm not with those men. Tears trickle down my cheeks and I have no idea how I've managed to stay upright until now. Someone lowers me gently back onto the bed I'm on and smoothes what is left of my hair. Bandages cover my skin everywhere, even my head, and my arm is encased in a cast.

"Easy now, sugar. You'll upset your wounds moving around like that, not to mention you must've scared the color out of your father's hair. Now I'm just giving you something to help the pain, and also a little something to help those cuts to heal. It'll just be a little stick and you'll feel better." She gives me the shot and caps the needle before gathering some gauze and scissors.

"Now I need to change your bandages, sugar. This will probably be uncomfortable for you." She goes to work moving me this way and that to wrap my injuries. She is gentle with me but it still hurts like hell.

"Where…am I?" My voice cracks and is a harsh whisper, but she hears me and smiles down at me.

"Sugar, you're in the hospital of Galbadia Garden, Galbadia General. They brought you in three days ago in possibly the worst shape I have seen anybody in since the war. I'm your nurse, Keisha and I'll be coming in here about every thirty minutes to check on you. Since your awake now we'll try you with some food, but you'll be on a soft food diet at first. There we go. I'll be back in a while with some food for you, and I'll tell your father he can come back in."

"My…father? My father…he's dead." What the hell is this woman talking about?

"Oh, I'm sorry, sugar. I just assumed he was your father, but you know what they say about assuming. 'To assume is to make an ass out of u and me.' But, I'll send him in just the same, he's been by your bedside so much since you were brought in, as has a young couple." With that she leaves the room and closes the door. A minute later the door opens again and Sir Laguna enters, and not far behind him is Ellone with Tessa. Despite the shrieking pain, I reach out for her and Ellone smiles as she hands me my daughter. She had been fussing when Ellone brought her in, but in my arms she quiets down and stares up at me before smiling.

"You look a lot better this afternoon, Selphie. I was hoping you would wake up today. Mischa, Marti and I have been taking good care of Tessa, although she's been pretty fussy. This is the first time she's really settled down at all. It's all in the mother's touch and love, I guess. Uncle Laguna has been up here making sure you're all right for us."

Laguna smiles and scratches the back of his head. "They thought I was your father. I just never corrected them, sorry about that. How do you feel?"

I shake my head. "I don't mind, it was…just confusing. I feel like someone threw me over a cliff, sent me through time compression again, and then stabbed me a few times for good measure. Thank you for…taking care of Tessa for me."

"No need to thank us for that." Ellone smiles as she looks at me, gently rubbing my arm at the small patch where it is free of bandages.

"I called Cid." Laguna blurts out.

"What?" Did he just say what I think he did?

"Cid, I called him and asked to have Squall, Rinoa, Quistis, Seifer, Zell and Sally work on figuring this whole thing out. But I didn't tell them your real name; I used the one you have on the deed of your house." He almost looks scared as Ellone jumps in to finish for him, and I can tell by the look on her face that I won't like this next part.

"But you know how clever Quistis and Seifer are, and it took all of five seconds for them both to figure it out. They've been up here to see you, and neither one told anyone else. They both said if you didn't want them to know it wasn't their place to tell them."

"Do they know—"

"About Tessa? Yes, they know. I think Quistis was quite upset that you hadn't told her about it, that you had run away instead." Ellone trails off for a minute, then looks back at me with determination in her eyes. "Listen, Sefie, I really want to be able to tell Squall and them about you, but I won't say anything if you don't want me to."

"I don't want you to. Call off the investigation, I don't want them around. Please? I can't deal with this right now." I've started crying. "How the hell did I wind up here anyway, I figured I was dead."

"Drex found you, and he, Kiros, Ward, and Uncle Laguna brought you back to the house and called the doctor, who suggested after you were semi-stable that they bring you here."

"When can I leave?"

"Sugar," Keisha comes back into the door carrying a chart and a very sour look on her face. "You can leave right now if you want to, according to the doctor. I think he's seriously mistaken, and you need to stay here for a few more days, but what do I know, I've only been a nurse for thirty-three years and he's been a doctor for three years."

"I want to go home now. I want Squall and them to go away and I want to be left in peace. You should have left me hanging from that damn tree! It'd be better if I were dead, anything would be better than this. Tessa could have been raised by Sheena and Drex or the Leonard's or even you…as long as she's raised by someone that loves her." I kiss Tessa on the forehead and pass her to Laguna. "Someone else has to take her, she can't stay with me."

"Selphie, that's crazy!"

"NO! It isn't crazy! They wanted me dead. Whoever they were, they left me to die hanging from a tree. If they knew about Tessa they would have gone after her as well. When they learn that I didn't die they're going to want to finish the job. It's too dangerous if she stays with me."

"But Selphie, she's your child."

"I know, and judging from what I saw when Keisha changed my bandages she'll remain my only child. All the more reason for me to want her to survive. Am I wrong, Keisha? Didn't the bastards stab me in the perfect spot? Didn't they sterilize me?"

Keisha shakes her head and walks over to Laguna and Tessa, taking Tessa in her arms. "It's too soon to tell just yet. But sugar child, ain't that all the more reason to want to let this angel know who she is? Raise her knowing her heritage and being proud of it."

I shake my head and sob as she tries to get me to take Tessa into my arms again. I won't do it; I love her so much that I'll give her up. I'll send her to live with someone that can care for her and tell her about me. She will not come back with me, not with those men still out there somewhere.

"Selphie…please? She needs you! I can't be you for her!" Ellone pleads. I still shake my head no, and Keisha settles Tessa in Laguna's awkward arms.

"Can't you see Ellone? I love her so much I gave up my life for her, my friends, everything! I love her so much that I'll give her up so she can be safe. I can't be selfish this time, not when we're talking about the reason I'm alive." Seeing that she isn't getting anywhere right now Ellone turns to leave. "You don't know, Ellone. You don't know what they did, the things they said. I do, I remember every little fucking detail. I remember what it sounded like when they ripped my shirt and stuffed it into my mouth, what it smelled like when they stabbed my shoulder, what their touch felt like around my arms…I remember how they laughed when I started crying, how they took such joy in my agony. But most of all I remember what they said before they sliced open my abdomen." My voice breaks and I gulp in air to keep from crying as my brain replays what they said to me: "See Charm, sometimes we still get to have fun. Now say goodbye to your kids." And then the bastard laughed. My whole body shudders with the memory and I look Ellone straight in the eye as I say, "That's something that doesn't go away; they're something that doesn't go away." Ellone rushes over and gives me a hug, tears falling down her face, before she and Laguna leave the room and Keisha takes hold of my hand.

"Don't worry sugar, it'll be alright." My sobs quiet enough that I can talk.

"Keisha, can you discharge me right now? The faster I can get out of here the better." She reluctantly nods and pulls out the papers I have to sign. Once I've signed all the papers, Keisha helps me up out of the bed, possibly the second most painful experience of my life, and then dresses me. I don't know where the clothes came from, I guess Ellone or someone brought them up for me, but I'm glad that they are there. I take slow, tentative steps to the door with Keisha right there with me.

"Don't you worry, sugar, I'll be with you every step of the way."

"What do you mean?" Keisha gives me a look before answering.

"Sugar, I didn't get this job because I was such a great nurse. I am a SeeD as well as a nurse, and there is no way I'm letting you leave this hospital alone. You think I'm insane? Now come on, because I know you want to be gone before anymore of your friends come by." I nod and let her help me out the doors and into a car. She drives and I doze off, not paying attention to where Keisha is driving.

I wake back up in a bed and look around. I'm back in my own bedroom in Winhill. My body is numb, and when I look at the bedside table I see that there is an empty syringe sitting there, along with two full ones. All I can move is my head; the rest of my body is weighed down with drugs.

As I fight against the medicine it becomes evident that it is useless. At least I can't feel the pain. Giving one more effort before resigning myself to my position, I manage to roll myself off the edge of the bed. Something doesn't seem right somehow. Where is Keisha? How did she know where my house was? Now that I'm on the floor, I begin to feel the pain radiating through my body. Well, as my instructor at Trabia always said, "Pain is your friend. Pain reminds you that you're still alive."

Inching my way across the room with one arm and minimal help from my legs I ignore the burning that is coursing through me, protesting the movement. When I reach the door I hear something downstairs break. Dragging myself to my feet I use the wall for support as I make my way to the window and open it. Crawling out I edge towards the end of the roof on the porch. Getting myself out of sight of any of the windows, I lower myself down one of the porch supports and to the ground. I can feel the stitches pulling and muffle a cry into my bandaged hand. Taking off towards town as fast as I can, which isn't fast at all, I hear the sounds of my room being ransacked. Trying to make myself speed up I think of Tessa. If I could only get to town and send people back to take care of the people that are after me…then I could keep her. The front door slams open and I hear footsteps running towards me. I turn in time to see Keisha coming at me. She is clutching her side, and I see a shard of red glass. My vase from the entryway.

"Hide sugar. They ain't ever gonna stop. Come on, this speed ain't gonna get you nowhere." Just as she is about to pick me up her eyes get wide and she falls over face first. Thrown off balance, I fall to the ground like a baby learning to walk, and when I look up Keisha has a knife sticking out of her left shoulder and there is a man with a vicious snarl on his face, looking down at me.

"Where do you think you're going, Charm? We're not done with you yet." He leans down next to my ear and whispers, "You would have been better off staying dead, Charm. Why didn't you just stay dead? I hate having to do this again, it's repetitive and boring." He straightens up and his partner comes over from the house carrying something in his hand. They sneer at each other before the newest arrival leans down and reveals that he is carrying one of the syringes.

"Now, don't try to fight this time. Screaming does no good either, as you already found out." He looks over at Keisha and shakes his head. "Damn shame you dragged other people into this, you know."

"Wh-what do you want from me? What did I ever do to you?" I try to delay them, hoping someone will come out here looking for me.

"You never did anything to us, it was our boss. She's the one who wants you. At first she simply wanted you to die a painful death, but since you resurrected yourself, now she wants you brought to her so she can take care of you herself. We're simply doing our job, and if we have a little fun as we go, then all the better." He gives another un-smile before grabbing my good arm. "Now be a good girl and stay still, otherwise this will hurt a lot more." He stabs the needle into the tender flesh on the under side of my elbow and pushes down on the plunger. I watch as the clear liquid enters my bloodstream, numbing as it travels.

He stands up and walks toward the garbage can at the side of the house. His partner watches him go and when he is out of earshot he leans down in front of me.

"Make it easy on yourself, Charm, and give up now. Just let yourself succumb to all the drugs in your system. There's surely enough to kill you. This life disgusts me, Charm. I'm tired of the killing and all the pleading people, tired of this dirty existence. You were refreshing, because you never once pled for your life. Just give in, Charm, and everything will be better, I'll be able to slip out of this world and go somewhere better. Somewhere that isn't filthy with the residue of all of these weak humans."

I look up into his face, his dark sunglasses covering his eyes, and respond to him. "Sometimes…Sometimes I would dream of what it would be like if I hadn't returned from Hell. What would the world be like…if I hadn't come home with everyone else? Then I realized that I did come home, and all the "what ifs" in the universe weren't going to change that. So I went on living, remembering exactly what my time in Hell did to me. Then you came, and I got sent back to a new Hell. And now you want me to just give up, after coming back from death twice already." I stop to breathe, and then continue. "It won't work, you know. I can't die, not by your hands or your bosses. I won't die." He stares at me for a minute before reaching up and pulling off his sunglasses. His eyes are the most frightening I've ever seen. They are black where mine are white, and his irises are yellow with red slits as pupils. He stares into my eyes for a full minute before replying.

"You'll wish to die when she gets her hands on you. She'll do things you never dreamed possible to you. She'll torture you for an eternity if she can. You will die, and she will throw a party when you do, with your body parts as decorations and maybe entrees. I grow weary of this world, of this town and of you. I warned you." He stands up and puts his sunglasses back on as his partner comes back into hearing range. "The drugs will take full affect shortly, Charm."

"Why…Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Selphie."

"Now it is. But we know you as Charm. That was what your kind was called, before they were exterminated." Needle man answers.

"My friends will look for me, you know."

"All the better. Maybe Blue can be taken care of as well. They won't stand a chance against us, not without you to heal them all. Stop fighting the drugs, Charm. You know it's a battle you won't win. Let the numbness take hold." I close my eyes and lay back on the ground, my muscles becoming useless putty. They must assume I'm knocked out, because they speak to each other.

"What were you saying to her, Killian? I saw you talking to her."

"Just telling her that it was no good to fight the drugs and not to revive herself this time."

I am aware of one of them picking me up, and by the eerie gentleness I know it is Killian that is holding me. There is something off about him, even more than his partner. I hear his partner walk away, and a car door open and close.

"So what is it going to be, Charm? Unbearable life or harmonious death?"

I open my eyes a crack and study his face. I choose life, and he knows it. He smiles, an actual smile and not the predatory scowl.

"I know Charm, I know. You aren't going to let this be easy." He carries me over and the last thing I'm aware of is him putting me in a car before I relent to the gravity of the drugs pulling me down into unconsciousness.

Author's Notes: So I woke Selphie up! But life is not easy for her. Next chapter I'm bringing in Irvine! And things start making sense, and people figure out life…Yeah. I have no idea how many chapters are left. But I'm getting them done pretty consistently for now. Of course, being up 24 hours a day helping with my new brother helps, because it gives me so much more time! Yeah…I won't, however have internet access for the three weeks I'm a counselor/riding instructor at camp. I'm taking my laptop and hopefully working on things, but it'll have to wait to be posted until I get home. Sorry about that. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I love you! Now, lets hope the internet works so I can post this! The song at the beginning is by A Perfect Circle and is called "Gravity." It is off their newest album, Thirteenth Step. I had a hard time deciding between that song and one by Heather Nova called "Blood of Me." But obviously this one won. So Review, whether you liked it or not, please! I'll love you; maybe even name my first born after you! (kidding, of course).

-Gilly Bean

Edited 11.24.08