Lost
I'll sit and joke with you. Maybe we'll have a drink or two,
Its hardly drinking ourselves to death.
Well we might on this Athosian booze. Its not quite toxic enough to knock you clean out but I do get a little bit woozy. But I'm seeing three of her, which isn't really a bad thing. Nope not a bad thing. Its started this morning, we'd been on a mission, doubled our food supply into the city, and food is second on the list of my favourite things, maybe its forth now there's three of her. Stop drinking. Now. She's so beautiful, anyway, I digress. We got back from the mission and decided we needed to blow off some steam, so here we are on the balcony, stepped away from the party that was winding down. I was apprehensive but how could I say no when she asked?
I talk and make you smile And you'll say to me like I'm just a child:
"It's the little things you do,
So just sit with me a while."
We have been talking for hours now, I feel kinda nice. No one has ever really sat down and talked to me for my company, its always this is broke or that broke, for once it would have been nice to get to know someone without having to fix something. Well I did once.
The sky grows dull, And our glasses are still full Of wine, then gin and something else I didn't known could exist.
Dawn is fast approaching, tomorrow will be a late start, but actually early because I have less able staff working for me than I say oooohhhh………McDonalds. They may as well be sixth graders. No not me in sixth grade, normal sixth graders who weren't building atomic bombs. She was saying before about the choice of booze for the evening (not that was more than one). That if everyone in Atlantis had wanted to do something so completely adventures as to come to another galaxy, or imagine they could then tasting the drink wouldn't be a problem, and if they found they didn't like it, imagining it to be something else wouldn't be hard either. Maybe she was imagining I was someone else. She couldn't love me. But she…she….I love her. She's so positive, so unique, she can keep up with me and that is no small fate.
Its cheers me up, then breaks me down Then turns my life around and round, Intoxicates then liberates and makes My tongue so loose. Talking without Making sense and breaking bones Like they were sticks and wishing for Something more. Is there more? More than this? More than sitting,
Drinking, talking too, about the same old things,
There's nothing new, and with my head in my hands I'll say; Fill my glass, to the top, overflowing,
My minds made up. I'm shivering but its not cold.
I am not being used. I don't want to be used, but a kiss from her, its ok, I'll be used if that's what she needs. I haven't stopped drinking yet. I think I should, because I'm speaking and talking and talking and speaking. And suddenly she knows more than she should. Knows that I have walls for a reason, all knowing Rodney McKay and his tragic past. 36 years building the walls for a few drinks and the perfect woman to knock them down. We've talked all night. I love her, I'm trembling, it's not cold out here but still I tremble, maybe its apprehension. Anxiety that I'll wake up any second or maybe anxiety that I won't. I can't get involved it'll all go bad and I'll lose myself and everything that I've built in will slowly leak out and I'll have to start again. I like the box metaphor, my heart is in a box, protected from pain, but as I learn to love again the box is broken and left unprotected from hurt. Right now my heart is built in like Checkers, but she'll make it swell and I'll lose my protection and get hurt again. This is my second box.
I'm listening but you make no sound, so I can't Do what I'm told. Should I kiss you know,
Or save myself? And wait for your first move.
Will it ever come or am I not that special someone.
There's nothing left to say, but your speaking anyway,
I can't hear a word you say but the tone is soft And you eyes say what your voice cannot. Beating myself up, an opportunity lost, The walls are closing in on me, but before I get lost in reverie,
I feel your lips on mine and space and time, just disappears,
No walls, no doors, no streets or floors,
No sense of anything before, no laugh, no smile, no wine,
No gin, just one single thing that I didn't know could exist.
She's stopped speaking. Did I automatically say something wrong without thinking? Oh God, she looks like she waiting for something, I can't kiss her, no way, not an option, but if she kisses me, that means she wants to, she wants something more than friendship. But does she? Am I just an easy target? She'd go for John buts he's a bit higher up the chain and too complicated to use. The fact that she isn't speaking is making my trembling become noticeable. One moment, her eyes latch on to mine. She goes to turn away. I should of kissed her. What an idiot I am. I should of took my chance…………………..whoah. She kissed me. She. Kissed. Me. Wow. I really am in love. What a sap I have become, one lost love and I build myself in, pretend it doesn't exist push people away and one……….perfect kiss, and I'm like a teenager. Jesus Christ, what kind of fool am I.
Is it love? Or something less? Something more,
A cheek caressed, a hand held as you pull away from me.
With the same uncertain eyes you stare me,
And I disguise the feelings that I'm feeling and have felt all along. Sadly you watch me stand and take a step,
Your crumbling like dry sand. The same mistakes, I always make, I freed you from the same heartache that turns your love into hate.
You would of left, sick of my breathe, sick to death,
Of everything I did, like chew my lip and scratch my head like I was thick,
And a thousand other, insecurities.
I can't do this. She could never want me. Ever. I'm just not that great, sure I am great just not good enough for her. Maybe she's thinking of Simon. Or John. Anyone but me. I love her, but its not me she loves. And if she does it won't last I'll push her away then she'll hate me. I don't want that to happen. Suddenly the open air in another galaxy seems to small to breathe and I have to escape. She watches me sadly. Disapointment and something else written all over her face. Maybe she did want me after all. Which just makes walking away easier because now I know for sure, that this will al end badly, and she'll get hurt. And I'll get hurt. Understanding. that's what else is on her face. She knows what I'm going through, maybe she feels it too. I still don't think its me she wants.
So I'm leaving before you leave me, to save myself from misery,
I'll catch a cab to take me home and have a drink all alone, And as I place my coat, on my shoulders, you look at me, And I grow colder. You see the past, all the dreams I cast,
That. Never. Came. True.
And. Never. Will. Do..
A cab is out of the question, mini Atlantis cabs. Yeah, this Athosian stuff is pretty damn strong. Maybe I can blame the booze on tonight if Elizabeth tries to confront me about my feeling for her, I'd dreamt of it, wished for it but I'm too much of a coward to just kiss the girl and tell how much I love her. I don't deserve her. I should explain why I didn't pull away when I should of. shouldn't of let her kiss me. She'll only regret it tomorrow. That like a quote I heard: Hell isn't fire and brimstone, its not devils with pitch forks, its knowing you could of walked away and you didn't. Well I should of walked away. My punishment is not getting the girl but maybe staying, that would have been hell too, because right now she likes me. But I know it can never be anything more, because she'd just leave and not like me anymore. So day to day, I'll snap and whine and she'll talk to me like I'm just a child, and I'll mend to hole in the box that was caused tonight.