The Celestial Tiger's notes: Originally, this was just going to be a single one-shot but I decided to do something more. Since I've already got one very expansive story in the works, I just don't have the time to start another long story. So I decided to do one-shots as breaks in between writing the long story. These one-shots are single entities in and of themselves but all fit together under one theme. Each one explores a different character or set of characters. I'm a nut about delving into character psyches and I do my best to remain as true to the character as possible. I hope you enjoy!
Self-promotion alert! Since I've already mentioned that I'm writing an expansive story, I'll just go ahead and insert a shameless plug. It's a Yu Yu Hakusho / Inuyasha crossover entitled "A Mission of Epic Proportions." Admittedly, it's my only other story up right now as I'm fairly new to but if you want to check it out, just access it through my profile. (I don't trust this site's search engine at all!)
Sesshoumaru on Rin
The evening was still and silent. The forest hummed softly with only the sounds of crickets and distant running water and an occasional scurrying animal. The moon was large and luminous and cast a gentle glow, making the night peaceful and serene. There was no disturbance…all was calm. However, in the blanket of the night moved a swift figure. It made no sound as it sped through the trees and the shadows. It traveled a great distance in a very short time and finally came to stop in a small clearing bathed by moonlight.
Sesshoumaru, the Youkai Lord of the Western Lands, stood silently in the clearing. If he were angry…pleased…sad…interested…no one would ever know. He wore an impartial expression as his eyes slowly swept the area around him. There was nothing here of specific interest…he was not searching for anything, nor did he particularly care for this place over any other that he had passed tonight. He was wholly unimpressed by what most might consider beautiful surroundings, though he was not altogether unaffected by the calm of the night. Above anything else at the moment, he sought solitude, and the almost surreal peace in the warm air enticed him to give pause in his wanderings.
Sesshoumaru walked slowly across the clearing, his movements so graceful that they seemed ethereal. There was a large rock on one end of the clearing, half of it in moonlight, half in shadow. It was here that Sesshoumaru chose to sit down. He closed his eyes slowly, listening to the sounds that surrounded him. There were surprisingly few, which was amazing considering that he could hear for miles on a calm night such as this. He opened his eyes again. A light breeze rose up around him and lifted his hair away from his face momentarily, playing lightly with it before returning it to its place. Sesshoumaru let himself relax for the moment. He could do this when he was alone. Only when he was completely alone…and usually even when he was by himself, he never quite felt alone enough.
Sesshoumaru's eyes ceased to look at anything specific as he lapsed into thought. He had been almost avoiding deep thought recently. Now, lulled by the trancing calm of the forest, he found himself unable to prevent thought from enveloping him. His ever impassive face did not match the state of his mind as the introspection he had been avoiding finally took hold.
So many thoughts rushed to the surface at once. Sesshoumaru did not like this one bit. He could push it all away…clear his mind…force himself to think on anything of his own choosing. Why then did he feel compelled to allow these thoughts to continue? It would do him no good…probably even to the contrary, and yet…sitting there alone, the thoughts came…and he did not stop them.
'Alone'…he was alone now. It was the first time he had truly felt alone in a very long time. He had long anticipated the sweetness of escaping his entourage…to be far enough away from them to not sense them in any way…to attain complete aloneness. But now, having finally achieved that feeling after so long, he found that it was not as he had remembered it. It was once a wonderful feeling, liberating and completing, and he had long desired to feel that way again. But now it wasn't the same.
'This solitude that I have sought…it does not please me. Can it be that I have changed?...I do not change. Yet I cannot deny that I no longer feel as I once did...' And it was distastefully true. Now that he was truly away from those who followed him…a certain human child, in particular… he felt a strange pull to get back. Especially since he could not sense any of them… could not sense her. It made him uneasy. 'Ridiculous!' Why should he entertain such concern? She would be fine… she was with Jaken and Ah-Un. And after all, these were his lands… he need fear nothing in his own lands. But still…
'Why?' Why was it that he could face other mighty youkai unblinkingly… calm… without fear… and yet a distant scream from her could make his heart skip a beat…could make him…almost…fearful. 'I will not allow her to make me weak…'
But try to convince himself as he might, he was doing exactly that…allowing the change…gradually allowing his once stone-cold heart to beat more and more with the warmth that seemed to shine from her. He could deny it, even to himself, but he had already made concessions. He would give pause in his wanderings to give her time to take care of the things she required…things humans needed to do, like eat, sleep, take shelter from the storms or the cold, bathe, and other things. He never assisted her in finding food or building fires or any other such matters. The very notion of doing so was ridiculous! He…Sesshoumaru…could never lower himself to such a level as to acknowledge a human as his equal…and certainly not to cater to one or indulge it in any way. Such things were fit for Inuyasha…some of the very things he looked down upon his half-brother for…the things that made him weak. Sesshoumaru, after all, was above all of that.
These thoughts were interrupted by an image of her face…her warm smile…her laughing eyes that held an unfathomable adoration for him……..'Rin.' He blinked once to force the image away, but it did not go away. She looked up at him, laughing her childish, innocent laugh and giving him a smile that as far as he could tell, she never shared with anyone else. It was for him alone. Without realizing it, Sesshoumaru's eyes softened ever so slightly.
When did the passage of time become so quick to him? It didn't seem like long ago that he had revived her, that she had taken that first step to follow him. But like any other child, she was growing and had changed considerably already. She had left behind her fear and silence and exchanged them for contentment and joy. She now spoke in a sprightly energetic voice that held both affection and inquisitiveness. Every day, her eyes spoke of new wonders experienced. Instead of picking handfuls of weed flowers, she now made floral wreaths and adorned her head with them. She danced in tall grass and relished in cool water's flow. She bathed in the sun and moon alike, returning their light with a radiance that was all her own.
Sesshoumaru blinked again. His eyes fell to the hilt of the Tensaiga. He then slowly reached and drew it out. His eyes narrowed slightly as he examined the blade. "Did you know?" he asked softly, his deep voice sounding resonant in the silence. "When you gave me this sword…." The sword that Sesshoumaru had once thought useless…it had saved his own life…protected him…and…it had been responsible for causing him to save a human life….Rin's life. At first, he had rationalized it as merely a test of the Tensaiga's powers. But if that were so, he would have turned right back around and destroyed the child when she began to follow him. She was, after all, just a human.
Just a human…creatures he despised…filthy, disgusting, weak, petty and useless. But…Rin was different. He began to think about their first meeting. He had been wounded and was absorbed in his brooding…that was the only reason she had gotten so close without him noticing. His first thought when he saw her was that had he the strength, he would have killed her on the spot. The most he could do was flash a warning at her not to come any closer. She was obviously frightened but for some reason she did not flee from him. Had she no sense? But it was what she did afterward that had confused him the most. She had tried to care for him. How dare a human child think that her attentions were worthy of him…that he even needed her pathetic efforts …her help!
But there was something so genuine in her eyes…true concern for his well-being…and for no reason at all. Did she not know that he was a youkai! Did she not know that he could rip her into pieces when he recovered! And yet here she was with an earnest desire to aid his recovery when she could have alerted the local villagers while he was still vulnerable. She never did alert anyone, however, and she continued to try and help him despite his cold words and disdain.
And then she had showed up looking haggard and horribly beaten. He hadn't been concerned in the least about her but it did draw his attention…it made him curious. And for Sesshoumaru, who had never before shown any kind of interest in a human, it was quite incredible that he even developed a curiosity over her. This curiosity made him do something he never would have done…he inquired about her…something she must have mistaken for concern. He had immediately assured her otherwise but everything he said to her after that question was lost. He would never forget the expression that lit her face upon hearing his question and the soft sound of joy she had made. Despite her face being marred and swollen at the time, there was an intoxicating quality in her smile…in her eyes. And though he refused to acknowledge it, he was affected by it.
Had it been the memory of her smile that had drawn him to her when he had later picked up her faint scent, or had it been the memory of her diligence and persistent kindness? He had not needed or wanted her kindness…but somewhere on an unconscious level that even he was unaware of, her devotion had impressed him. When he had found her encompassed by death, her small, fragile body mangled and torn, he should have turned and walked away…but he had been compelled instead to take a step forward. And then another and another until he had unsheathed the Tensaiga, the healing sword, and had made use of it. And if restoring her life had not already been out of character enough for him, he had drawn her up to him with his remaining arm. He remembered being surprised with himself for the first time in his life. He had looked down upon her, his face giving away a slight expression of amazement and even confusion. And when she had opened her eyes and looked up at him, something inexplicable had stirred within him.
He had not held her for long…but in the brief time that she had looked into his eyes, he felt different than he had ever felt before. For a fleeting moment, everything that had been important to him just minutes ago suddenly seemed trivial. He had found these feelings extremely distasteful and had rejected them, letting go of her and walking away as if nothing had happened. He credited her salvation to the Tensaiga, as he could not very well accept the responsibility for an act of compassion toward a human. He, Sesshoumaru, had no compassion after all. But when the little girl began to follow him, he did nothing to stop her. And she had been following him ever since that day.
Sesshoumaru blinked as the memories faded and his eyes refocused on the pristine blade of the Tensaiga. He blinked slowly, almost a gesture of deference to the sword itself and slowly sheathed it back in its scabbard. He had come to respect his father's gift. It safeguarded his life and the power to restore life had been useful on several occasions. And without it, she would have never been a part of his life. But why did that matter? As often as he thought that she was a nuisance, slowing him down and bothering him with trivial things…why was it that he could not imagine a day without her by his side? What about this human made her worthy enough to live?
Loyalty. 'Rin is loyal.' This was what set her apart. She had been with him for a very long time…and in all of that time, she was loyal…faithful…and selfless. She never complained, no matter what happened, and she was always eager to please him. He had even tested her once…ordered her to leave him and go into a human village and stay there…to see just how deep her loyalty to him really ran. He recalled that instance when he told her that he wanted her to return to her own kind. She seemed horribly torn since she had never disobeyed him before…ever.
She had taken two steps toward the village, her eyes beginning to sting with tears. Then she had immediately whirled around and fallen at his feet. "Please, Sesshoumaru-sama! Rin…..Rin cannot go……R..Rin's place…is…is…with you." As she had grown older, she had gotten out of the habit of referring to herself in the third person, but she always reverted back to it when she knew that he was displeased or angry with her. It was her way of humbling herself in an effort to be worthy of his forgiveness. And she had been so fearful of defying his orders on that day but there was a certainty in her voice that had overpowered even her anxiety. She belonged with him…to her there was nothing else.
He remembered the sight of her tears…a rarity to be certain as Rin normally felt it disrespectful to cry in front of him since it was both a weak and frivolous act. He remembered hearing the pounding of her heart as she waited trembling at his feet for him to say something more. He also remembered listening to her breathing…the only other sound breaking the silence aside from her heartbeat. Her breath passed in and out softly but rapidly, matching the accelerated nature of her heartbeat. He knew this as her body's response to fear…she was terrified that he was going to make her leave him…and he recalled thinking that she had never been this afraid before, not even when she was being attacked. She did not want to leave him and the very thought of doing so caused her so much trauma that she was even willing to disobey him and accept the consequences in an effort to try to get him to reconsider.
Sesshoumaru recalled standing there for what seemed like a very long time in silence pondering her devotion in astonishment. His face might have even shown his bewilderment in that moment, but Rin had remained prostrate at his feet and saw nothing of his expression. She was still waiting for him to pass his sentence on her and Sesshoumaru, having obtained what he was seeking through this test, decided that he would not disparage such a rare display of loyalty.
Finally, after what felt like an excruciating eternity to Rin, Sesshoumaru had turned around and begun to walk away from her. In a panic, Rin had jerked her gaze up toward his back, opening her mouth desperately but being unable to make a sound. Endless tears flowed from her wide, trembling eyes as she felt as if her very life were being drained from her with every step he took. But then he had paused. He had stopped walking, standing there a slight distance away with his back still to her. Her breath, possibly even the very beating of her heart had stopped as she waited for him to do or say something.
He had cast his head ever so slightly to the side so that Rin would know that he was going to speak. Breaking the torturous silence, he had finally said, "Choose now, Rin…I will wait here no longer." When Rin heard those words, she had felt as if she could fly. Choose. He was letting her make the decision…as if she would ever choose any other life! She sprang to her feet and bounded to his side without hesitation, not once casting a single glance back to the village. He recalled the sound of joy that she had made, a sound that lingered in his perfect ears. She didn't say anything to him, possibly afraid that it might somehow make him change his mind…but she had smiled that special smile at him, the tears lingering in her eyes making them soft and misty. This expression haunted him for it created an odd feeling within his own heart, one he knew that he shouldn't like…but though he absolutely refused to let himself try to name it…he felt it.
In the very least, he knew then beyond doubt that she would never betray or leave him. She would follow him until she died. It was all she wanted…all she needed…her duty…her happiness. And that was why he allowed her to live day by day in his presence…because she set herself apart from other humans.
Sesshoumaru blinked his memories away once more, aware that the breeze was playing with his hair again. Only a moment's acknowledgement was given to this, however, as he decided that this silence and solitude was ultimately unsatisfying. He stood, gazing around one last time before entertaining the notion that Rin would like this clearing that he was in. Without acknowledging the betrayal to his own nature, he made a point to lead his small group back here so that he could watch her chase shimmers of moonlight and hear her laugh with the joy of a heart that is truly happy and free.