Author Note: The first story arc is underway! Laugh at Hawke's injuries, cry when Christmas Sturm becomes Sturm 2005, yell when Shade actually wins for once!

Shade: You forgot to mention Olaf's declaration of war against you.

...Well, yeah, there's that as well...

The Obligatory Red Mesan Humour Fic, Chapter 4: The Great Coffee Annexe, Pt. 1.

"So, Olaf's rallying his troops agains me, eh?" Author Shade was in 'devious' mode.

Well, yeah, seeing as you made it so with your writing. Dumbass.

"May I remind you that I have a Muse Exterminator on speed-dial?" Scratch that, 'threatening' mode.

You don't, actually. That's the local Domino's Pizza.

"Aw, shaddup." The Author was about to use Ctrl-S to save when -

- the lights went out.

"Oh, bugger it."

---

Several thousand miles away (like last time), a certain President grinned. Life was good.

For the love of...SHUT UP!!

"Ah don't like ta side with Commas, or whatever Daddy said they were," he said, "But ah like this Olaf guy!"

---

"Hey! Your fatty burgers almost killed my child!"

"Sorry, ma'am, but at McHachi's, you get what you're given. See?" The customer service guy jerked a thumb behind him to a large plaque, engraved with the message:

'At McHachi'$, we give the cu$tomer's what they want. And if they don't like it...well, $crew them! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! - Hachi, re$ident Evil Overlord of Hachi Corp. ("Making a better future...for him.")'

"...Ooooookayy..." the Olaf-sized woman said, reveberating like jelly in a paint mixer. "But I'm still gonna sue!"

"Why?"

"Because it's the Orange Star Way!" At the mention of this phrase, the whole of McHachi's spontaneously burst into a rendition of the Orange Star National Anthem:

"Orange Star, we get the beeeeeeeest!

Orange Star, we bomb the reeeeeeest!

Orange Star, we'd better get good fooooood!

Orange Star, other wise we'll suuuuuue..."

In the midst of all this, Shade made a face somewhere between 'what the crap?', and 'I'm surrounded by idiots'. As the singing died down, and everyone was feeling warm, patriotic, pro-Hachi and Capitalist, he said:

"That has GOT to be the most RETARDED song I have ever heard."

"Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet, boy!" Everyone's head turned as Hachi himself, Lord, Master, Evil Overlord and Capitalism Incarnate (Ph.D, OBE, MBE) strode out from the rear of the fast food shop. Shade's eyes bugged out in seconds.

"Three-point-oh-five-four-six-three-one-four seconds, to be precise," said Leonard Nimoy.

A pause.

"Hmm...I should have disappeared by now..." this problem was resolved when Mr. Nimoy spontaneously combusted.

Shade sighed, and looked at Hachi again.

"Tell me Colin didn't redo your wardrobe..." Yes, it was true. Yet another CO looked like a pimp. Well, who could blame him for flaunting his wealth?

The millions starving in poverty in Third World countries.

Well...this is Wars World. They don't exist.

No, because Orange Star - well, Hachi - bombed them to get more money!

Oh for the love of...fine, that's it. I''m changing the scene!

But wait, what about Hachi? I thought you were gonna make him sing-

Click.

---

If you were anywhere near that particular branch of McHachi's, you would have noticed a small, localised nuclear explosion. Don't worry, Shade survived...

So did Hachi. See?

Hachi proves this statement by waving. "Nothing can kill me! I'm clinically immortal! No...wait...Capitalistically immortal! Yeah!" Shade slapped a hand to his face.

"Money making people immortal...what's next, a StarCraft crossover?"

Funny you should say that, I've been playing StarCraft recently...

"Oh crap..."

Psyche!

While Shade fumed, Hachi grinned. "I've just had a great new plan..."

"And what is that Your Cheapiness?"

"I'm going to annexe Hawke's coffee supply!" the sheer gravity of these words had a powerful effect...

---

"I'm going to annexe Hawke's coffee supply!"

"Hmm? I could have sworn I heard...eh..." Eagle sighed and laid back on his towel. "Sun makes me lazy."

---

"I'm going to annexe Hawke's coffee supply!"

"Egads!" Christmas Sturm was in shock, and spraying snowflakes everywhere. "It's the new year! I need a refit!"

A pause.

"Oh, and I need to SAVE THE DAY!"

Another pause.

"...After my refit." Sturm had a strong sense of priority.

---

"I'm going to annexe Hawke's coffee supply!"

"Oh great...he's at it again..." Nell sighed. "When will Hachi learn?"

---

"Okay, Andy. We're going to go over this again. Orange Star and Blue Moon are a what?"

"An incontinent!" Andy grinned. He had to have got it right this time...

Sami sighed. "No, Andy. They're a continent. Incontinent is, well..."

"Well what?"

"I'll tell you when you're older." Sami rubbed the bridge of her nose. Her Chocolate Sense was acting up again. There was choclate near, she could feel it. But where...she scanned the classroom again. Nothing, apart from the Intelligence Antichrist that is Andy.

"Wait..." She stared at Andy.

"Uhm...Sami, why're you staring at me like that? Oh no..." Realisation dawned on his face (if that is at all possible). He reached into his pocket, and felt...

"Oh no..."

"CHOCOLATE!!" In the space of five seconds, Sami had lunged towards Andy, gripped him by the throat, and pinned him against the wall. "GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!!"

"Arggggghshaargle." Andy wasn't in a postion to negotiate. A grin lit up Sami's face as she pried the bar of Hachi-brand chocolate from his feeble grasp, and wolfed it down whole like a rabid animal. Think of the Cookie Monster and a massive pile of cookies, and you get the idea.

---

"Right, boys! You know where we're sailin'." Hachi grinned as his occupationary force filed into Landers. "We're off to annexe Hawke's coffee supply, and somehow..." he hadn't thought of how yet... "Somehow make money out of it!" he grinned, displaying a brand new gold tooth. Along with the other 20 -

"Twenty-point-three-four teeth, to be precise," Said Leonard Nimoy. "He has gum disease." Yet again, Mr. Nimoy spontaneously combusted.

Anyway, with the number of gold teeth he had,the glare was so bright Hachi carried a government health warning.

"Well, that's that. Follow the Black Coffee Road!"

---

Imagine rank upon rank of Blue Moon soldiers. Imagine them standing assembled in front of a podium. Now, imagine a person the approximate weight of a walrus, and twice as ugly-

"You see? THIS is why I'm declaring war against you!" Olaf cried, his gargantuan form shaking like...erm...

You see? You've insulted him so much you don't have any material left.

Shut up, you whiny, pessimistic, metaphysical construct!

...Owie...

Olaf sighed. "If you're finished with your muse..." he growled, sounding rather threatening. If it weren't for the toffee apple he was munching, he might actually look scary. "Hey!" the mound of lard cried. "I'm not eating!" he took another bite out of the apple-

"HEY!"

- and started to address the soldiers. "Soldiers of Blue Moon!" he cried. "The Author has gone too far with his godlike powers and fat jokes! As of now, I'm declaring..." Olaf stopped. He felt a cold breeze...oh no. He looked down, and lo and behold...

"AHHHH! NO TROUSERS!!" the room burst into laughter as Olaf ran out of the room, as the Author attempted to remove Olaf's hat.

"DAMN YOU AUTHORS! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME SUCH A CISSY - HEY!" It was all too much. Olaf collapsed -

THUD!

- and started to cry uncontrollably, because of the hilarious abuse the author had unleashed on his person. The warbling, burbling, hideously obese -

You can stop it now.

Huh?

Olaf's going on...a diet.

Sure enough, Olaf had run to the nearest payphone, and was dialing the Weight Watchers helpline.

A pause.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!

---

End of Chapter 4

"...I...he..." Shade was in complete and utter shock.

You pushed him too far, you moron. Now who are you going to insult on a regular basis?

"...Heh..." Shade grinned as he thought.

Oh no. You stay the HELL AWAY FROM ME!

---

Author Note: Well, the beginning of the first story arc.

Shade: And you managed to get Olaf on a diet.

By insulting him and removing his trousers, no less. Hang tight for Chapter 5 people!