Author Note: And here we go. I'm having to divert my attention to both my school work, this fic, and Whispers, so I won't be updating as much.
Shade: Or is it because you're lazy, hmm?
...I blame Fable.
The Obligatory Red Mesan Humour Fic, Chapter 5: The Great Coffee Annexe, Pt. 2.
"Hehehe...Hawke's gonna be pissed." Author Shade/MesanShade/whatever he heck he's calling himself right now was, of course, writing said CO's reaction.
Talking about Hawke...I thought his ankles were broken?
The Author raised an eyebrow and checked the previous chapters. "Darnit. Well," he said, typing. "I'll simply-"
-and yet again,the lights went out.
"Oh, bugger it."
---
Several thousand miles away, life was-
AAHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
BANG!
Thud.
Hmm, never thought he'd actually shoot himself. Ah well. Life is good.
---
"HE WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Hawke was yelling out of anger more than shock. Which was a surprise, seeing as he has the emotional capacity of a lemon. He jumped to his feet - forgetting that he was in a wheelchair for a reason.
"AAAHHHHHH!"
Thud.
"It burns..."
Adder sighed, rolled his eyes, and fell over. "My eyes! Where did they go?"
You've overused that gag.
Wait, I thought you died!
...I got better.
Figures. Anyway, Adder found his eyes (under Flak, who was busy eating the peices from a chessboard), popped them back in, and immediately looked confused. "Wait, I'm back here?"
"...Evil General in pain here..."
"But why? What brought me back here..." Adder looked around. Flak was now eating the chessboard, Lash was watching Barney, and Hawke...
"...Is on the floor. Someone help me before I bite all of your shins off." Hawke tried feebly to crawl towards his wheelchair, but ran out of breath, sighed, and passed out. Adder's eyes roved over the main room of the HQ. "Random soldier doing arbitrary motions in background, furniture with no purpose, Big Brother cameraman...aha!" His eyes fell upon a swirling anomaly in the center of the room. Seeing as it was large, with a psychedelic colour scheme and emitting small whining sounds every few seconds, it was a small wonder to how everybody managed to not notice it. Of course, Adder did, and chose the best course of action:
Screaming like a cissy.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Oh, and flailing around like he was being electrocuted.
"PLOOOOOOOOOOOT HOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLEE!!"
Seeing as Christmas Sturm had used up most of our special effects budget last time, it was another small wonder how we could pay for the plothole as well.
Illegal money laundering using Swiss bank accounts.
Ah well, not that bad. Anyway, Adder was still flailing around like an idiot. And, like all good comedy scenarios like this one, nobody paid any attention to him.
"Mesa gonna save youse!"
Well, maybe one.
"Oh...no..." Adder froze. "He wouldn't..."
He would.
"Mesa Jar Jar Binks!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
---
While Adder was screaming in horror at Jar Jar (who wouldn't?), Hachi was busy comitting crimes. Said Hachi smiled as his troops took control of Hawke's massive coffee fields. "That's some fine coffee," he said. "Pity we have to ransom it. But hey, money makes the world go round!"
The Author disagreed with this. And so, like any chaotic and crazy Author with godlike powers, he decided to prove Hachi wrong. By nuking the Wars World Stock Exchange.
---
The Wars World Stock Exchange was a large, peaceful-looking skyscraper in Orange Star. Of course, it wouldn't be peaceful much longer...
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!
---
"!!!" Hachi gripped his heart suddenly. An officer looked at him. "You okay, sir?" Hachi shook his head.
"It's...as if...millions of bank notes cried out at once, and then were silenced..." Hachi went pale. "Uh oh, lawsuit." Of course, the ghost of Alec Guinness sued him for plagarism. Well, that's what you get when you steal from Star Wars.
Erm, if there's no money in Wars World, how can he file a lawsuit?
...Oh dear. I made a booboo, didn't I?
Yes. Yes you did.
Although money didn't the world go round, it seemed it was darn important anyway. So, the Author reversed the destruction of the Stock Exchange, and urged Alec Guinness to press charges.
But Hachi now has all the money he lost.
...Arse. Hachi paid several million G in compensation, and resumed his conquest of the world...I mean, Hawke's coffee.
---
"Ah! Commander Eagle! Kanbei is pleased you are holidaying in his country!"
"Oh Jesus...why?" Eagle groaned. He managed a grimace/smile and waved. "Hello, Emperor Kanbei. I needed a change of scenery from Green Earth. Plus, you have nice beaches." Eagle gestured at the golden white sands behind him.
"...Those are Kanbeis Mothers memorial dunes."
"...Meep." Eagles eye bulged as Kanbei produced an obscenely large sword out from nowhere.
If it was obscenely large, how could he pull it out of now-
Hey, hes a Japan-esque swordsman! Its one of the Three Anime Laws.
Three Anime Laws?
"Erm, ace pilot about to get slaughtered here..."
The Three Anime Laws are:
-You can conceal any weapon, no matter how large it is (or how little clothing you have), if you are cool enough.
-If you wear a bikini, you are invincible.
-No matter how evil you are, or long you power up and scream for, the good guys will never intervene. Period.
"WAAAA-TAAAAA!"
"EEE!! Noooooooooo!" Eagle shrieked like a little girl as Kanbei dashed homicidally towards him, screaming several obscenities in the space of a few seconds.
"Three-point-oh-zero obscenities per second, to be precise." Leonard Nimoy said, who then got sliced in half by the bloodthirsty Emperor.
"KANBEI IS THIRSTY FOR BLOOOOOOD!!"
They don't listen to a word you say, do they?
---
Sturm waved. "You're not supposed to change the scene to me yet."
Silence
"Hello?"
More silence.
"...I'm lonely...."
---
"HIIIIIII-YAAAAA!"
Clang! The sound of steel meeting concrete greets our ears as we return to the Benny Hill-esque chase going on in Yellow Comet.
-Cue Benny Hill music-
"AAAHHHHH!" Eagle was screaming out of sheer terror, shock, and the fact that George Bush got a second term. Yes, I take shots at him whenever I can. Deal with it.
"KANBEI IS ANGRY!!" Yelled the yellow-suited commander, in what was quite an understatement. "KANBEI...IS...getting...tired...ugggh..." How a glorified flyboy of a CO could outrun a far superior member of the same species -
"Hey!" Eagle yelled. "I'm not that unfit!"
- is beyond comprehension. The pair circled several pillars, before scooting up the steps to Kanbei's home. Which was quite a dumb move on Eagle's part, seeing as he's never visited the place before, and presumably, Kanbei knows every room, hallway, garden, toilet -
You're rambling again.
- Aw, be quiet. Let's just say that Eagle will have a lot on his hands...actually, he already has a lot on his hands.
"WheredoIgowheredoIgowheredoIgowheredoIgoI'msoscrewedwheredoIgowheredoIgo..." Eagle was sprinting as fast as he could up and down the hallways of Kambei's palace, rambling like a madman. Well, he is being chased by a sword-weilding Kanbei, so I think you can understand. Speaking of Kanbei...
THUNK! A wooden pillar suddenly became two wooden pillars, a victim of the homicidal Kanbei's rampage.
"KILL SLICE RIP TEAR MURDER PILLAGE!!"
A pause.
"...DRAGONBALL Z!!"
CRASH!
---
"Aha! Finally! I thought you'd never switch the scene to me again!"
A long, long silence.
"...Wait, you're not going to-"
---
Hachi stared in awe at the Himalayan-like mountain range of coffee around him. It stretched far into the distance, filling the massive warehouse to its ceiling, the brown powdery slopes looking like fresh snow. "So this is Hawke's personal stash of coffee..."
A pause.
"Who's up for coffeeboarding?"
---
Silence.
"...I hate you. First you scene switch to me early, then when you're supposed to, you switch to Hachi!" Sturm would have fumed, if he wasn't in the middile of his refit. "I mean, who would want to read about that cheapass huh?!"
"Well?!" Sturm raised a lightbulb, which was all he could do. "My limbs are being upgraded right now, but if I had arms I'd kick your ass."
There was a pause as the Author re-read the above speech.
"...What?!" Sturm then paused, realising what he'd said. "...Arg! Fine. If I had LEGS I'd kick your ass. I mean, who likes Hachi? He's cheap!"
"...Well, so am I...BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! He's an old man who's a fervent Capitalist! I'm an evil alein badass snifit dude who likes to crush things, and fire-bomb orphanages! The people should like ME!" Sturm was ranting again, like any one-dimensional, evil-for-the-sake-of-it, stereotypical baddie.
"...I resent that."
You would.
"Ohh, you just wait until I get my new armour fitted. You're going down!"
A pause.
"...That's right...shake in fear! MUHAHAHAH!!"
The omnipresentchirp of crickets sounds. Sturm's expression becomes one of discouragement.
"...Erm...my name is Sturm? Hear it and tremble?"
You really don't realise exactly how non-threatening you are right now, do you?
"...I am SO gonna Meteor Strike your ass..."
---
End of Chapter 5
Sturm shook a mental fist. "You just waaaaaiiiit..."
You really like annoying them, don't you?
AuthorShade/MesanShade/CO Shade/Lamp Shade/whatever smiled innocently. "Whatever gave you that idea?"
---
Author Note: Well, looks like Sturm's back to normal.
Shade: I think Christmas Sturm was more likeable.
True, but he doesn't throw meteors at people for the sheer sake of it. In Chapter 6 , Hawke finally launches a daring operation to get his coffee back!
Shade: (Is silent, tapping his foot)
...Okay, he's sending in Flak and Adder. You happy now?!