Author Note: Ahhhh! Belated update!
Shade: Today he blames MechAssault 2.
…Yeah…anyway, this chapter is the end of the Great Coffee Annexe story arc. Finally...
Oh, and check out Falling From The Skies (a joint fanfic project I am in) and the Advance Wars Fanfiction LiveJournal Community. Whee.
The Obligatory Red Mesan Humour Fic, Chapter 6: The Great Coffee Annexe, Pt. 3 Final.
"Well, things have been slow in the Advance Wars section…" MesanShade mused, scrolling down a page on his browser.
Yeah, but it's not exactly mainstream fanfiction, eh?
"Quiet, you. Let me bask in the glory of our new broadband a little longer." The author sighed happily, basking in the warm glow of his monitor.
"You know, we should have got broadband earlier-"
The grin left his face as, once again, the lights went out.
"Oh, bugger it."
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Andy was whining. You know, the usual. "Why are we here?", "What's an airport?", "I'm boooooorrrreeed,", and all that crap.
"Heeeeeeeyyyyyy! That's meeeeaaaaann!"
Now you've set him off..
Oh, shut up. Andy was standing next to Sami and Max (who had fortunately used earplugs), overlooking the warehouse floor of Hawke's coffee stash. A small cloud of coffee-based smoke was zipping back and forth through the slopes of brown at incredible speed, and above the patter of footsteps, hyperactive burbling, giggling, and screaming could be heard. Sami turned to Max, wincing at Andy's whining as the removed her earplugs. Max did the same.
"What?" He asked.
"...How long has Hachi been drinking that stuff?"
Max turned back to look at the super-fast dust cloud, "...I'd say about three days."
"YingtongyingtongyingtongyingtongyingtongYIDDLE-I-POO!"
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Hawke's Coffe Stash,
Night.
"Hsssss...why on earth are we breaking into this place! We're the freakin' Black Hole Army! Nations fall at our feet! Countries burn at our whims! We could crush this place with our massive army!"
"Uhh...Adder, buddy..."
"Quiet! I'm ranting here! We are the masters of this pitiful planet! We have sixteen different Special Forces teams capable of regaining control of Hawke's coffee stash! We could throw ten divisions of our army at this place and wrest control of it in a measure of time too small to be recorded with even the most precise scientific instruments!"
"Adder..."
"AND INSTEAD, THEY'RE SENDING ME AND THIS STUPID EXCUSE OF DNA!"
WHAP!
"Shut up, Adder! Or I'll crush ya!"
"Ow...I see colours..." Adder said, seeing stars. Adder and Flak were crouching (well, splayed across the ground after being punched in Adder's case), peeking over the edge of a grassy verge, watching the Orange Star soldiers patrol the wire fences that guarded Hawke's Coffee Stash, which deserves capitalisation because Hawke is just that good.
Hawke just said, "Damn right."
Tell him it's not time for his scene yet, so he'd better shut up.
Okay...
"This is borin'! I wanna go and crush those worms!" Flak made to move towards the assortment of warehouses, but Adder held him back. If that is at all possible.
"Flak you dolt! Don't you understand the meaning of the word 'stealth'!"
"...Yeah I do!"
"Well?"
"...Erm..."
Adder rolled his eyes and looked at his square-jawed associate, who was screwing his face up in concentration.
"...Errr..."
A pause.
"Nah, I lost it."
Adder slapped a hand to his forhead, sighed, and gave in. "Fine, fine, go ahead and crush the place. It'll be on your head if you damage the coffee..."
"Cool! Now I get ta crush stuff!"
"If you don't get shot dead first."
Hawke just said, "Screw the Author, I'm Hawke. I can do whatever I want."
Well, let's see him say that after I'm finished with him, eh?
Just make sure he's alive afterwards-
"GGGGGRAAAAGGGHHH! FLAK CRUSH PUNY SOLDIERS!"
The Author and his muse were interrupted by Flak, who was busy growing to three times his usual size, while also turning green. Let's thank God that his clothes haven't ripped. Adder was flabbergasted.
"The Flak...we have broken so many copyrights with this..."
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Meanwhile, at the North Pole...
"MUAHAHAHAAA! MY REFIT IS COMPLETE!" Needless to say, Christmas Sturm V2.0 was in a good mood. Gone was the hastily-thrown-together Christmas decorations onto a festive recolour of Sturm. His new armour was complete red, his breathing pipes sported the red-and-white candycane design, his cloak as red with a white fur trim, and of course...
"I have a tinsel pimp scarf! OF DOOM!" Christmas Sturm wrapped said red glittering scarf around his neck, and assumed a heroic pose.
"Now to SAVE THE DAY!"
A pause.
"Now, where's my Sled-Mobile..."
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In Kanbei's Imperial Palace...
"GOD! IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, DIDN'T IT!" Needless to say, Eagle was shaking like a leaf, cowering beneath the mighty figure of Kanbei, who raised his sword high above his head-
"Kanbei will punish puny flyboy for desecrating Mother's memorial dunes!"
and in Matrix-style, camera-rotating slow motion, swung it down.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOoooOOoooooOOO!" Eagle screamed.
I wish I could scream in slow motion. It'd sound so cool.
Kanbei paused, and regarded Eagle with awe.
"You know the ancient art of Slow-Motion Screaming!"
"...Eh?" Having narrowly avoided death, Eagle naturally confused.
"I can see now that you are too powerful for me to defeat." And with that, Kanbei faded into the background, until the time a convenient plot device was needed again...
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In the skies over Black Hole, it was quiet. Well, as quiet as it could be, seeing as it was over one of the greatest military dictatorships on the planet. I mean, with all the fighter jets, cargo planes, screams of the dying in death camps-
Will you please stop procrastinating?
And take away my love of putting off things? Never!
A pause.
Wait...aren't we forgetting about something?
WOOOOOOSSHHHH! Went Christmas Sturm's Sled-Mobile as it flew towards the site of Hawke's Coffe Stash. The red-and-white, high-tech, tripped out snow sled performed a loop-the-loop, three barrel rolls, and corkscrewed towards the ground, while inside the cockpit-
"AHHHHH! WHERE'S THAT DAMNED MANUAL!"
Christmas Sturm lost complete control of the situation.
Whoops.
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On the ground, things were a whole different barrel of monkeys.
Well, Flak's an ape, so I guess that dexription sorta fits.
"FLAK SMASH PUNY SOLDIERS!"
The massive, green hulk of muscle thudded its way towards the main entrance to the warehouse complex. Orange Star soldiers were firing at Flak, but the bullets were bouncing straight off, hitting their comrades and flinging them off the screen.
That's the drawback of Advance Wars. There's no actual death, they just get blown clear.
"HUH?" The Flak paused, stopped, and looked up at the sky, where a small red dot was getting bigger and bigger, accompanied with a high-pitched whistling noise.
"WHAT THAT?"
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On board the Sled-Mobile...
"I'M GONNA DIE HORRIBLY AND GET SPREAD OVER TENS OF SQUARE METERS!" By the looks of it, Christmas Sturm had completely freaked out. Releasing his grip from the controls of the sled, he crawled into a corner and whimpered.
"Wait...is that Flak?"
CRAAASSSSHHHHH!
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Adder cringed as the Sled-Mobile and The Flak disappeared in a firey explosion. He scurried closer, wanting to verify that Flak was actually dead, because everyone hated him anyway. Peering over the edge of the crater, he gasped.
"Oh crapbags..."
In the center was Flak, back to his normal self and lying face-down in the ground, his clothes blackened and scorched. Sitting calmly on his back and humming a happy little tune was-
"Adder! I haven't seen you since I was brutally and dishonourably slain by Hawke!" Christmas Sturm waved happily, completely unfazed about the carnage around him. He stood up, brushed himself off, and climbed up to Adder, skipping happily a few times. Adder, on the other hand, was completely silent.
"...How...how did you-"
"How did I come back to life? And how did both Flak and myself survive that horrible collision?" Christmas Sturm paused. "Hmm, that is quite a conundrum." The Snifit superhero stayed paused as he worked out the sequence of events in his head.
"Well?" Adder said. "We have got a Coffee Stash to recapture, you know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Hmm...Well, when Hawke backstabbed me like a cowardly little piece of cra-"
"AHEM!" Adder coughed.
"What?"
"Fic rating..."
"...Oh. Anyways, after Hawke wimped out and killed me, I blacked out. When I woke up, there was fire all around me, and manical laughter and stuff."
Adder regarded Christmas Sturm with shock. "You went to Hell!"
"No! It was Shigeru Miyamoto's office."
"Ah. Makes sense."
Oh sure, blame the bad guys never dying on the head of Nintendo. Smart.
"Miyamoto said, 'Sturm! You cannot die! You must go back! But not to be bad! No! You must return as superhero!'"
"...Did he really shout like that all the time?"
"Yes, yes he did. Being a god, he can do that sort of thing. After that, I woke up at my new home at the North Pole, dressed like a Christmas tree. After being ridiculed by the Author, I flew to Black Hole, and tried to kill Hawke. But I was foiled by lunchtime...my mortal enemy..."
Adder looked at Christmas Sturm funny. "Your mortal enemy is lunchtime?"
Christmas Sturm shook his head. "No, Hawke is my mortal enemy."
"But didn't you just say-"
"Well, it's obvious someone doesn't understand how this fic works."
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Leonard Nimoy scowled. "Sorry, no horribly accurate measuing from me today. I'm busy starring in a Star Trek episode."
A pause.
"No, I'm not disappearing in a funny way either! GET OFF MY LAND!"
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Adder sighed. "Sooo...how did you survive it?" Christmas Sturm looked confused.
"Survive what?"
"THAT!" Adder screamed, pointing at the massive, scorched crater, littered with wreckage, in front of them. Christmas Sturm grinned, looking up in the air.
"Wow! There's sky on this side of me as well! Well, ain't that a doozy?"
"Jesus...you're either old and senile, stupid, or both."
"Oh! THAT crater. Well, y'see, I was in my Sled-Mobile, flying towards this place to SAVE THE DAY!" Christmas Sturm accompanied this shout with a heroic gesture. You know, hands on hips, chest thrust out, looking towards the sky, et cetera.
"...Right. But how did you survive the crash?"
Christmas Sturm paused. "Huh?" Adder sighed.
"You crashed into The Flak at the speed of sound, in a heavily armed flying vehicle. The intial explosions should have vaporised you both, and the flying shrapnel would have shredded whatever was left of you!"
A pause. Christmas Sturm twitched slightly then turned to Adder. "Dammit! Don't EVER apply logic to my actions! It'll only screw me up!" He said. Stroking his metallic chin with a metallic hand, he thought.
If that is at all possible.
"I guess...seeing as Flak's a bad guy, and I'm an important character, we can't actually die."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure! Now let's go recapture that stash so that everyone can forget about this ominous, foreboding subplot!"
Adder groaned. "Whatever..."
"TAKE OFF EVERY CO! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!" And with that brutal rape of the English language, Adder and Christmas Sturm ran towards the warehouses...
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A few minutes later...
Flak groaned and stirred, rolling over onto his back, and sitting up.
"Duh...too much Lash Candy's bad for me."
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A few more minutes later...
"YES! We recpatured the coffee stash!" Adder cried.
HAH! You thought you were going to get some action scenes, didn't ya? HAH! SUCKS TO BE YOU!
"Now Hawke won't send us to do dumb stuff anymore!" Cried an equally jubilant Flak.
"We did it!" shouted a jolly Christmas Sturm! "FOR GREAT-"
"DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING THAT!" Both Adder and Flak yelled in unison.
"Fine, fine...well, at least my first job as a superhero is done. TO THE SKIES!" And with that lame final remark, Christmas Sturm flew off into the sunset. Adder looked confused.
"Wait...if he can fly, why did he use his Sled-Mobile in the first place?"
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End of Chapter 6
Shade leaned back, cracked his fingers, and sighed happily.
"It's good to be back."
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Author Note: And yes, it is good indeed to be back. Next chapter will probably be a pointless little one, as I set myself up for the next story arc. Until next time!