Chapter 15:

Painfully she opened her eyes, everything was blurred. There were 3 silhouettes in total, the one on her left she knew instantly as Jack. He was doing the flamboyant relief thing. But hang on-

"Am –Am I? Am I dead?" she groaned

"Oh Kare, I'm so sorry, it's my entire fault. If I hadn't come over here, if I hadn't made you see Bernie, you wouldn't be here!"

"Stop giving yourself so much credit Mary!" whispered Karen while yawning

"Are you alright Karen?" asked Luke

"I am after seeing you, you really are Dr Good Body." She said getting up

"Actually I'm just a paramedic."

"Who cares, um, Luke, because you're Luke-ing good! Ha-ha get it? Luke-ing/looking!"

"Oh my god." Muttered Claire rolling her eyes "Mrs Walker, we're still taking you to the hospital just to make sure you're okay."

"Is he coming?" Karen asked referring to Luke

"Yes I am coming, and I will personally see you to the hospital."

Thankfully Bernie wasn't outside in the coffee shop otherwise Karen probably would have fainted. She arrived safely at the hospital, personally escorted by Luke, and now Jack & Karen were waiting for the results of the tests before she could go.

"Why Karen? Why did you do it?" asked Jack seriously

"Well, I sort of went into this daze and saw what everyone was doing while I was dead and nobody cared!"

"What do you mean nobody cared? Karen I love you." He gave her his puppy dog eyes.

"And I love you too poodle. It's just, sometimes, some things…oh fuck now I'm crying; I can't always deal with things ok? And this Jackie, this was too much."

It was then Jack realised just how much damage he had done, not physically but emotionally. Karen's barriers had come down and she was crying.

"Karen I'm so sorry!" jack went over and cuddled Karen

"It's not all your fault, but I had hoped on not seeing Bernie again." She half laughed at the end of the sentence to bring the convocation up a level.

"Why Karen, you can tell me, what happened?" Jack pleaded

"Well," she sniffed "I've already let you see me cry. But you have to promise not to repeat this."

"I promise."

She took a moment to get up the courage

"I was nine when I first met him, he was so nice, brought me presents, played games with me, made sure I wasn't threatened by him I suppose. But after a year or so he was really friendly with me, too friendly, I just thought he was so … happy. I was 10 for Gods sake, I didn't know any different."

She paused while all the memories filled up her head, her eyes skidding around the sockets trying to make sense of it all.

"Then one night, he came into my room. I was glad to see him at first, but I saw the look on his face. His eyes just stared at me, not blinking as he walked like a robot into my room. He shut the door behind him. I pulled up the covers to my head, y'know like you do while watching a scary movie!

He sat the edge of my bed, without speaking, he ripped the covers out of my hands to reveal my little naked body.

I remember that mum had said to me earlier how happy she was with Bernie and me. How proud she was for not ruining things between them. I didn't want to make mum unhappy, she was proud of me for the first time ever! I wasn't jeopardising that.

So I let him! I let him touch me, feel me, rape me. What could I have done! A ten year old girl for fucks sake!

He made me keep it a secret – "Our little secret". It happened again when I was in high school and then it became a regular thing. Every month mom went out with her mates leaving Bernie to baby-sit. I hated him so much, he ruined my life and I couldn't change it.

I confided in my best mate Joanna, she helped me deal with it really. Whenever he came round she was there with me, hanging out together. Course it still happened at night, I mean Joanna couldn't be there all the time. But she moved away with her family to Seattle, my one way of escaping had gone. I had lost all hope in my life so I- I drunk my fears away. I just let him rap- do it and I just blocked it out. I'd just lay there and he would come in as usual. I would wear underwear and pyjamas but he took them off."

"Didn't you do something?" Jack asked

"I told my mom once it got to a point, but she was having none of it! She would just tell me to stop making up filthy lies to get attention. Bernie didn't know about this so he carried on. But then I….I…"

Her crying became hysterical; it was awful for Jack to watch. Someone that had shown no previous emotion was pouring like a tap. Her hand wandered onto her stomach and rested it there as she looked down and cried.

"He got me pregnant Jack!" her breathing became fast and sharp while crying uncontrollably. "The sick bastard got a 15 year old pregnant!"

"Surely your mom believed you then?" asked a shocked Jack

"No. she knew I got drunk regularly and blamed it on some guy at school. She called me a slapper. It caused the biggest argument our family ever saw, there was no way Bernie could not know about it. But once he found out he disappeared, didn't come back to collect his stuff. Well of course mom blamed me for driving him away, saying how all the arguments scarred him off. She refused to believe what happened, I kept screaming at her but she blocked me out."

"What about the baby?"

"I wanted to get rid of it. The thought of something growing inside of me because of that man made my insides want to come out. Just thinking about it made me sick. But mom said I had to suffer the consequences for my actions! Like it was my fault he came into my room that night. Like it was my fault I even had sex in the first place. I never count him as my 'first time' though, how can you tell your friends that!

Anyway, after much arguing I gave up, I was too tired to shout at my mom anymore-someone else had now taken my life."

"What happened then?"

"He mugged me. Well I say 'mugged' but really just punched me in the stomach until I keeled over, pretending to mug me."

"Who?"

"Him. He beat me up so I would loose the baby. I went home so shaken up I could barely hold my keys. But the heartless bitch at home with the wine actually thought I did it to myself so I didn't have to have the baby. She thought that! Well that was the last straw for me, I packed my bags and left."

"So that was the argument when you were 16 then?"

"Yer, but I had to get out of there, just sleeping in that bed gave me nightmares."

"So what did you do next?"

"I got an apartment, a job and realised I was still pregnant."

Jack gasps "Did you get rid of it then?"

"I couldn't! I was too far-gone to have an abortion, but I was not telling mom, so I kept it a secret. It was really hard though Jack, I was 16, I couldn't cope on my own let alone with a baby! That's why I decided before it was born to have it adopted.

I got bigger and fatter and eventually had the child. I hated every second of it, but when it came to give him up I found it so hard." Karen sniffed "he'd been a part of me for months and even though he had a family waiting for this little, innocent baby boy I didn't want to give him away. But I had to, I'd gone through all the paperwork and this little boy was officially theirs, and I couldn't give him everything he needed, it was best."

"You really gave him away? But didn't you ever wonder what he's like?"

"There was no way I could look after a baby at the age of 16 whose father raped me. He'll probably be just like his daddy anyway." She added with a hint of sarcasm

"What did you do then?"

"I walked out of the hospital days later and never looked back, until today."