Per Alicus Oculae
A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, guys! I just realized this fic has no point to it whatsoever. I don't think there's one serious moment in the entire thing. Just for fun, though. I needed a break from the angst, lol. Besides, who could resist Rodney and John?
Chapter 2: The Switch
Upon returning to Atlantis, the team was subjected to the standard post-mission physical, much to McKay's chagrin. So he was a little out of shape, so what? He knew it, his team knew it, and he sure as hell didn't need another reminder from Dr. Beckett about it.
After being cleared (minus one mysteriously absent grain of sand), the Canadian obediently - and reluctantly - sought out Sergeant Bates, head of security. Any alien - and therefore possibly dangerous - artifacts or pieces of technology coming from offworld and into Atlantis needed to be checked out by the sergeant first, lest it pose a hazard to the city's population.
Bates studied the newly found device. He had no clue what it was. To him, it was an overblown soup can with some strange controls on it. He pushed some of the buttons. Nothing.
Rodney sighed and rolled his eyes, not attempting to hide his impatience. The sooner they finished here, the sooner he could hole up in his lab and get to work.
"Looks clean to me," Bates said with a shrug.
"Of course it's clean," Rodney responded bitterly, snatching the device back possessively. What would this blockhead know anyway other than shoot first, ask questions later?
"But if you ask me," the sergeant continued, "it's not going to do anything. It looks dead."
"Well, I didn't ask you, did I? Now if you'll excuse me…." He pushed past the security officer and headed upstairs. Next stop: briefing room.
As he entered the large room, Rodney noticed he was the last to arrive. Teyla, Ford, Sheppard, Beckett, and Elizabeth were already seated at the oddly shaped table, clearly waiting for him to arrive before they began.
"Sorry," McKay said, though not actually sorry at all. "I was held up by your fine, upstanding security team, Elizabeth." He took a seat at the end of the table and the doors to the room closed simultaneously, signaling the beginning of the meeting.
Elizabeth glanced at him, amused. "I'm sure we can all forgive you, Rodney. Now, what have you got for us?"
"Hmm? Oh." The scientist looked down at the Ancient whatever-it-was he hadn't realized he'd been cradling in his lap. Though he would never admit to it, he was a bit protective of any new technology he discovered. Can never be too careful, especially with that damned Kavanagh lurking around, just waiting to steal my ideas.
Gingerly, he placed the apparatus on the table for all to see, once again admiring the craftsmanship that had went into constructing it. Whatever it was, surely it was of importance. Rodney couldn't help his eyes from gleaming with awe.
The others weren't nearly as impressed. "So what is it?" Carson asked unenthusiastically.
McKay looked at the doctor blankly. "I don't know, why?"
"Well, I'm just a medical doctor, so forgive me, but I would think that knowing what it is would be of some assistance if we're ever going to figure out what it does."
"'I,'" McKay corrected. "If I am ever going to figure out what it does. Which I am quite sure I will, giving the proper amount of time and correct tools."
"Exactly. Hear that?" John chimed in, eager to get the aggravating astrophysicist out of his hair so he could catch his afternoon nap. "Someone get this man some tools so he can get to work. All right, so I guess that about wraps things up…" he said, standing.
"What's this, then?" Carson asked, the Scot reaching out to touch a portion of the device.
"Hey!" McKay protested, slapping the doctor's hand away. But he was too late; Beckett had already made contact with one of the barely visible buttons. To everyone's surprise, a small panel slid out from behind the button.
"Just what is it you think you're doing? You could have killed us all!" Rodney continued his diatribe.
"Relax, Rodney," John assured. "It's not like it's going to blow us up."
"You don't know that!" He irritably grabbed the device off the table and plopped it down in front of him, huddling over it protectively. All of his anger disappeared, however, when he noticed Ancient text engraved in the newly uncovered panel.
The others peered over his shoulder, trying to get a peek at the writing. "What's it say?" Ford asked curiously.
What do I look like, a linguist? True, he could read and translate most Ancient text - one of his many invaluable talents - but why did everyone look to him for answers? What was he, Mr. Know-it-All? Well, actually, yes, he admitted to himself proudly.
"'Ut sibleceo vita per alicus oculae,'" he read.
"To glimpse life through another's eyes'?" Weir questioned.
Rodney nodded. "Cute. Okay, shall we?" He reached for one of the buttons.
"Whoa, whoa. McKay, do you really think you should be touching random doohickeys? I mean, 'to glimpse life through another's eyes'? That sounds pretty heavy," Ford said.
"The lieutenant is correct," Teyla agreed. "Perhaps we should not meddle in matters beyond our understanding."
"Doohickeys, lieutenant? Need I remind you I am a professional and I'm quite confident in my abilities," McKay shot back.
"That makes one of us," Beckett muttered under his breath.
"McKay, maybe you shouldn't be messing with that thing just yet," John added his two cents. That machine was starting to make him just a bit nervous.
"Look," Elizabeth reasoned. "Why don't we all break for lunch and you can take it back to your lab and study it there afterwards; how's that sound, Rodney?" She felt as if she were pleading with a six-year-old boy who didn't want to stop playing with his toys.
"But-"
Elizabeth cocked an eyebrow.
Damn. 'The look.' "Fine." Rodney conceded defeat and sulked back to his lab, the device tucked between his arm and body.
John strolled down the hall, his leisurely pace reflecting his care-free nature. A nice turkey sandwich, a couple chocolate chip cookies, and a few minutes of shut eye really did the body good.
Arriving at his destination, the major placed his palm on the wall panel, not bothering to knock, and entered the lab. Immediately, he spotted McKay hunched over his new piece of Ancient technology, which was currently hooked up to two laptops and half a dozen monitors and instruments. Rodney hadn't even noticed the major's entrance.
"McKay, I though Elizabeth ordered you to break for lunch."
"Can't. Too busy," Rodney replied, still not looking up from his work.
John sighed. This, possibly the smartest man he had ever met, lacked even the slightest modicum of common sense. Didn't he realize that if he didn't eat, he could suffer from a hypoglycemic reaction? John wondered how he ever survived in the real world by himself.
"Here," Sheppard said, throwing McKay a Powerbar. "A present from Dr. Weir." Like the rest of the team, Elizabeth had suspected Rodney would skip out on lunch and jump straight to tinkering around with the apparatus and had thus acted accordingly.
Rodney sunk his teeth into the bar. Ambrosia. He was feeling better already. "Thanks," he muttered before getting back to what he was doing.
"Don't thank me. I would have let you starve," John kidded, an impish smile on his face. He didn't think he'd ever get tired of teasing McKay.
Rodney ignored the comment and continued to type on his keyboard. He pretended not to notice Major Sheppard lounge in a nearby chair, feet propped up on the desk. He slurped loudly on a Coke he had brought in.
"Stop slurping."
Silence.
"So…. What's it do?" John inquired as he placed the soft drink on a nearby piece of equipment.
"I don't know yet, Major. And could you please remove your feet from the desk? Some people try to maintain a clean workspace, you know. And get that drink off that machine! Do you the millions of dollars in damage you could cause?"
Ignoring the last part, John asked, "What do you mean, you don't know? You've been in here-" he checked his watch, "- almost two hours and you don't know anything about it?"
"Clean out those ears of yours, Major. I never said I don't know anything about it. I said I don't know what it does."
"Same thing."
McKay scoffed. "Hardly. From what I can tell, this here," he explained, pointing to the lowest of four controls, "is a sort of 'on/off' switch. It's what Carson touched earlier. He must have turned it on, according to the power readings I'm getting, thus activating the sliding panel with the words on it."
"Wow. An 'on/off' switch. That's very technical, Rodney."
"I'm just keeping it in simple terms you can understand. Now, this here," he moved on, pushing the second control, "is the equivalent of the 'clear' button on a calculator. I think it erases the device's memory."
"You know, if you're going to be working with this thing for a while," John interrupted, "you have to stop calling it 'the device.' Give it a name already."
"Oh, excuse me for being too busy - working hard at my job - to make it easier for all you plebeians to distinguish 'the device' from all the other highly technological pieces of equipment. But since you obviously have so much spare time on your hands, I'm sure you have a suggestion?"
"Actually, I thought I'd let Lt. Ford take this one. He thought maybe 'Campbell.'"
"'Campbell?'"
"Yeah. You know, because it looks like a giant Campbell's soup can." John shrugged.
Rodney looked at him, not amused. Is this what these halfwit blockheads do in their spare time? I can't believe I share the same species as these dolts…. "Anyway, moving on. The third switch inputs the 'set' or 'enter' command, and the forth and final button is the 'discharge' command."
"'Discharge?' I don't know if I like the sound of that…."
"Settle down, Major. We're perfectly safe."
"Uh-huh," John frowned. "I feel better already. So how do you get it to work?" John asked, fingering the Ancient writing. When nothing happened, he tapped at the panel, as if it would magically light up and come alive.
McKay looked at the military man pitifully. That's just sad. But alas, not everyone is blessed with my talent and brains. "All I have to do, I assume, is input the correct sequence of commands using a little something I like to call 'the right way….'"
John rolled his eyes. Good Lord, didn't McKay ever get tired of hearing himself praise himself? Probably not.
Rodney made a big show of depressing the 'set' button, like he was some sort of hero for figuring out what it did, like he was the first person to ever invent a switch.
"And…?" John prompted when nothing happened.
"And now I hit the 'discharge' switch…." He reached for the control.
John stood suddenly. He wasn't so sure that was a good idea. "McKay, maybe you shouldn't-"
But the damage had already been done. As soon as the astrophysicist's finger had flicked the switch, a brilliant white light radiating from Campbell engulfed them while a powerful shockwave flung the pair back toward the wall.
TBC
Okay, so I couldn't resist a tiny little cliffhanger, even if it IS a lighthearted fic.
And if you're thinking the dynamic duo switches bodies... nope. Bwah.