Per Alicus Oculae
A/N: Half way home, everybody! I said earlier that I wasn't going to make this a ship story, but I've gotten a few requests to insert a little interaction between Weir and Shep. And because I am a complete sucker, I -cough- may have added a line or two in the final chapter. Should be enough to satisfy the shippers (I hope) and not too much to piss of everyone else, lol. Don't worry, I promise I won't ruin the McKay/Shep interaction, because it is way to fun to have them annoying the hell out of one another. :)
Anywho, a few of you have given me your theories on who is who now in this fic, and they are mostly correct, but not quite. :) A lot is explained in this chapter.
Spoilers for 'Before I Sleep.' Hope you like.
Chapter 5: Technobabble and Tigger
McKay awoke to the sound of a cart being wheeled in his direction. He was lying flat on his back, on what felt like a cot… a miserable, thin, highly uncomfortable cot. And that can only mean one thing: the infirmary. Remind me to tell Elizabeth to splurge a little so we can get some more cushioned beds in this place. I should at least be comfortable as I'm dying, for crying out loud.
"That 'manly hunger' get to you again?" a voice asked from his left. Rodney wasn't sure exactly who it was, but the tone of his voice was dripping with sarcasm, and that could only mean one thing: Sheppard.
The scientist slowly opened his eyes, still a bit woozy from his would-be-but-not-quite encounter with the Athosian twin sparring sticks. "Am I going to make it?" he asked melodramatically to anyone who would take pity on him.
John rolled his eyes. I see he's back to normal already, he mused.
After Rodney had seen that Elizabeth was about to pulverize him, he had hit the deck, unconscious. Luckily, John had known exactly what to do - and not because his supposed degree in medicine, but because his friend had blacked out so many times when faced with imminent danger in past situations that his entire team had become somewhat experts at helping the man come to. So McKay had been wheeled back to the infirmary, much to John's extreme chagrin, and there he had lied for nearly half an hour before he had woken.
Thankfully for them both, Sheppard had dismissed the two irritating nurses, using the excuse of giving them an early - and extended - dinner break. A three hours early, four hours long dinner break. Rank had its perks, after all, no matter military or civilian.
"How'd I do? Did I win?" Rodney asked, struggling to sit up and remember at the same time.
"You didn't do anything. Round one went to the mat. You got one look at those weapons and fainted," John explained, emphasizing the last word as he remembered the Canadian's extreme displeasure at it being used. Sure enough, it got the desired effect: Rodney glaring at the major in vexation.
"I seem to recall us having this conversation before," he replied, rubbing his temples. "I thought we agreed 'passed out' was a much better substitution."
"We didn't agree to anything. And if you mean 'pathetic attempt at evading the facts while trying to mask your wimpy personality behind a euphemism' rather than 'substitution,' then yes, I suppose it is. Besides, Beckett said 'faint' was the proper medical term."
"Oh, and you would know. Doctor," McKay retorted with a snort.
Glancing around first to make sure Ford was still napping and to make certain no one else was listening, Major Sheppard snapped back, "Yeah, and whose fault is that? You just had to play with those buttons on Campbell, just had to see what they did. Ever hear the expression 'curiosity killed that cat?' Or that little myth about Pandora's box?"
"Please, this is hardly the same, Major. Pandora was Greek," McKay grumbled.
John cast him a disbelieving look. "That's it? 'Pandora was Greek?' That's all you have to say for yourself?"
McKay looked up, mulled it over, and then shrugged. "Yes, I suppose. Oh, and that we're not of the species Felis domestica. Obviously."
"Well, I was thinking something more along the lines of Pandora still had hope in the box at least," John muttered.
"What, are you saying we don't? I take offense to that, Sheppard!"
"You should. Did you know I had to play doctor to Ford here - who's apparently taken over Zelenka's job as the second ranking science advisor, or so he told me - not to mention deal with these two demon nurses from hell?"
"Don't come crying to me," griped Rodney. "Try waking up draped in dead animal carcass! I look like a retarded Eskimo, Major! I don't know how Halling does it; these 'shirts' are entirely too tight across the chest for my liking, not to mention the stench wafting up from whatever sort of animal this had been…. Seriously, the Athosians need to look into some sort of detergent or something, because this thing smells like fresh road kill. Do you think they just happened across a poor deer that had been hit by a drunk Wraith Dart pilot or something and decided it would make a nice coat? Because that would be really disturbing, but highly probable considering what-"
"Rodney."
"Right, sorry."
They both took deep breaths and decided their minds would be put to better use thinking of constructive ways to rectify the situation rather than argue over who had it worse. Besides, the major had decided to forget about reigning terror and revenge on Rodney; seeing him faint was rewarding enough. Oh, it's the simple things in life you really treasure, he thought jokingly.
"Okay. So what do we know so far?" McKay began.
"Well," John thought, "I've apparently taken over Beckett's job as the head doctor here, and Ford is the second ranking science advisor instead of Zelenka."
"Geez, look at those glasses," Rodney marveled as he studied the sleeping lieutenant. And he had thought he was a nerd. This guy had tape on his glasses and a pocket protector to boot.
"Tell me about it," Sheppard agreed. "Oh, and Elizabeth has my spot as head honcho - er, honcha - of the military. I found that one kind of amusing," he grinned.
"Carson picked me up on the mainland and told me he was the 2IC under Elizabeth. Don't you find it ironic that the two people on this base who hate violence the most are suddenly heading up the military?"
"I guess. But that doesn't mean-"
"Hey," Rodney interrupted, eyes lighting up. "I wonder who's taken my very esteemed yet highly demanding job as lead scientist." Apparently, any notion about him was far more important than anything John had to say. "It had better not be that damned Kavanagh," he mumbled.
"That also leaves Atlantis's team leader," the major input. "You don't think it's Teyla, do you? Or Bates?"
McKay simply shrugged and frowned. "Do you really think that's important, Major?" he asked testily.
Rolling his eyes, John thought, Oh, okay, I see. When he wonders who's taken his role, that's okay. But when I ask a simple question about someone else, heaven forbid, it's taboo. I should have known….
"What's important is figuring out how to fix what we've done," the scientist continued.
"We?" John exclaimed, sitting straighter.
"It's a collective 'we,' Major. You were in the same room as I, after all,when it happened,so don't pretend not to share in the blame."
Knowing the best way around another argument was to just agree, John replied, "Fine. Whatever. I don't suppose there was any sort of user's manual that came with Campbell telling you how it works," he inquired sardonically, not really expecting a serious answer. Any second now McKay would open his mouth and spit back some witty retort about Ancient devices and user's manuals. Sometimes the scientist just didn't know the meaning of sarcasm.
John looked up, however, when there was silence. He could have sworn Rodney was avoiding his gaze, and that couldn't be good. "McKay…" he pressed.
"Hmm?" Rodney responded as he looked up, pretending not to have heard John's question.
"I said, I don't suppose there was any sort of user's manual that came with the damn thing telling you how it works. And I had better like the answer," Sheppard cautioned, praying McKay hadn't ignored instructions that the Ancients - the single most advanced civilization Earth had come across, the Gate builders - had passed down.
"Well," the astrophysicist began nervously, "Um, I suppose that depends on whether or not you define a 'user's manual' as an inscription carved neatly into the cave wall behind where the device was found…."
John stood abruptly, knocking over the chair as he did so. He was beyond pissed now. Any thought of forgiving McKay instantly went out the window. "I knew it! Goddammit, Rodney! There were instructions about that damn thing and you ignored them, didn't you? Didn't you?"
Fearing for his life, Rodney got to his feet as well, safe for now so long as the cot remained between them. But John began to circle threateningly toward him, so Rodney was forced to retreat. "I didn't so much ignore them as I…," he searched for the right words, "… failed to realize their importance."
"'Failed to realize their importance?' You find Ancient text behind an Ancient device, and you don't think that's important? Remind me again why I shouldn't kill you right this very second?"
By now the pair had crossed the room and Rodney scurried behind a table. "Because you're a good, honest soul who wouldn't take the life of an innocent, unarmed man, let alone that of your good friend?"
"Wrong. Not good enough, McKay…."
Rodney's mind was in panic-mode as he continued to flee, knocking down a stool in hopes of slowing Sheppard down. It didn't work. He couldn't think as John closed in, his white doctor's coat rapidly filling Rodney's vision. "Uh… remember the Hippocratic Oath!" was the only thing he could come up with.
It seemed to work, or at least stall the major, because he stopped his advance. "Why, what's it say?" he asked, genuinely interested.
Crap. Hippocratic Oath, Hippocratic Oath….McKay fought to remember. "Um… 'First, do no harm?' he squeaked."
John seemed to think about that one for a second, which allowed McKay to breathe a sigh of relief. That is, until John finished reasoning with himself and spoke up. "Yeah, but that only applies to doctor and patient. And I'm not a doctor, and you're not my patient. But if you'd like me to put you in a coma…." He began his advance once again.
The scientist began his hasty retreat, but it was a dead end. He flattened himself against the wall. Surely Sheppard wasn't going to hurt him. Right? "Um… ah… because I'm the only one on this base who can figure out what's going on and put things back to normal!" he tried, squeezing his eyes shut as his last-ditch effort escaped his mouth. John's fist was about to have a little date with his own jaw.
He opened them when the blow never came.
There stood John, arms crossed across his chest and a frown upon his face. "You are one lucky son of a bitch, I hope you know that," he said, eyebrows arched. Fortunately for McKay, the last answer he gave was the right one, and Major Sheppard knew it. If there was any hope left in getting things back to the way they were, it laid with this short, pudgy, arrogant egomaniac of a scientist. Yep, John thought. We are so screwed.
"So you have any ideas? Theories?" wondered a decidedly calmer John as they both sat down at a nearby table.
"Yes, actually. Though you have to promise not to go all Terminator on me if you don't like them," McKay half-joked.
"Scout's honor."
"Were you even in the Boy Scouts?"
"No."
"Great," Rodney responded dryly. "Well I guess that will have to do. Okay, theory number one: we've both gone insane and this is all just part of a highly elaborate, shared delusion."
Thinking for a moment, the major replied, "Nah, don't like that one."Although I'm headed down the path to insanity nowthat I'm stuck here with McKay."Next?"
"Me neither. Theory number two is a bit more complicated."
"Well, given what we know about the Ancients, it's probably the correct one then," said John wryly.
"My thoughts exactly. Do you remember the time we found the 10,000 year-old Weir in suspended animation?" John nodded. "Well, we know from that experience that the Ancients were obviously interested in time travel. At the time, I explained to Dr. Weir that according to the quantum theory, the universe is split into an infinite number of copies of itself in which every possible outcome to every decision ever made all exist somewhere in this infinitely layered multi-universe. The theory goes that some of these alternate realities are very different from what we know as reality, and some are almost identical."
He paused to make sure Major Sheppard was still following.
"Okay," Rodney continued, "according to the older Weir, there was a device in one of the Jumpers the first expedition team encountered, you remember?"
"Yeah," John responded. "We - they used it to travel back in time."
"Yes, exactly. And as you probably know, even the smallest turn of events can greatly alter the course of history. Well I believe that this device I recently found on P7G-117 is similar to the device the alternate Weir's team discovered. Only instead of simply sending us back in time, it sent us to one of these parallel universes, one of these separate but concurrently existing realities where at some point - perhaps even back during the evolution of our cultures, who knows? - either one decision or a combination of several decisions was apparently made that altered the outcome of the Atlantis expedition. The same people are involved, only with different roles. So I guess this would qualify as one of those realities that are almost identical to ours."
John just stared at him, dumbfounded. Not that he didn't understand it, he just couldn't believe it. "Right. Whatever you say, Einstein."
Rodney scoffed at the remark. "Major, please. Einstein was merely a physicist. I on the other hand am well versed in the fields of-"
"Rodney. I was trying to give you a compliment."
"Oh. Right, sorry. Anyway, it's just a theory. It fits with the whole 'to glimpse life through another's eyes' spiel we found engraved on the device, but I'll have a better idea once I examine the text."
John simply shook his head.
"What?" McKay asked, perturbed.
"Nothing."
"No, what?"
Sighing, Sheppard explained. "I told you not to touch the switch, but you didn't listen. You just had to-"
"Okay, I admit that I did tune you out. But in my defense, that was well after I already figured out you didn't possess even a fraction of my intelligence - no offense. Look, the way the device works is a lot more complicated than the abridged version I gave you before this whole thing began. You probably wouldn't even have understood what it was I had to say. Look at it this way: I was just saving us both precious time, time that would have otherwise been wasted explaining to you in simple, monosyllabic words exactly what in the hell is going on here! Oh but look, what did we just accomplish? We wasted even more time just now when I should have been working on solving the problem at hand. Thanks a lot, Major."
"Yeah, because it's definitely all my fault," responded John sarcastically, cocking a contentious eyebrow.
Rodney thought for a moment. He had just been backed into a corner; he knew it, John knew it, but he sure as hell wasn't going to admit guilt. Not now, not ever. The head of the science department simply doesn't make mistakes. Rodney McKay doesn't make mistakes. The scientist coughed. "Now let's not get caught up in the blame game. There's no point in bickering over who did what or who may or may not have flicked a certain switch-" he cleared his throat "-without having any possible way of knowing the dire outcome of his actions. Honestly, how was I to know..."
Making an "ugh" sound, John plopped his head down on the desk, buried his face in his arms, and let McKay trail off. This was one helluva long day. His headache wasn't quite gone yet, and he certainly doubted McKay's self-exonerating story would make it any better. God, that man could talk, especially when it's about himself. When they returned to their reality, Sheppard vowed to take a McKay-free week of vacation. He relished the thought: seven days of no whining, no goof-ups, no supposed 'life-threatening injuries'…. Heaven.
"… never occurred before, even while working with Samantha Carter. Ah, Samantha Carter…. Anyway, as I was saying, there was no possible reason to assume that all matter inside subspace time is concentrated into a specific point of singularity, or even into a ring-shaped structure molded by the centrifugal forces of the Pegasus Galaxy, which must be presumed to be somewhat dissimilar from those of the Milky Way, which is yet another reason I had no way of knowing…"
God, is he still here? John wondered. He felt like crying. He had hoped maybe this was all just a bad dream. Or maybe the gods or the Ancestors or whoever were angry with him for something and had consequently sent McKay to perpetually infuriate him for the rest of his days. This was his version of Dante's Inferno, and being stuck in an alternate reality with Rodney was his Seventh Circle of Hell. All that was missing was McKay's horns, tail, and pitchfork, some sacrificial virgins, a few howling creatures, the river Styx, throw in a couple bottomless fiery pits for good measure, and the nightmare would be complete.
"… is why we had always known even the tiniest amount of matter - an atom, or even a quark - would cause a flux in the regions of subspace. Up until now, of course, we had assumed the collapse of subatomic structures…"
Is he still talking? Does he talk for the sake of talking, or does he talk because he thinks people are actually listening? Maybe he just likes the sound of his own voice. I should really let him in on just how many people doodle, nap, and daydream during his lectures. I prefer paper airplanes myself….
"… unfortunately never got the opportunity to experience. I had always wanted to go to Disney World, but I was robbed of my childhood, Major. Robbed. All I asked was to go to Disney, just to see Tigger, but when I heard the chess tournament was coming up… well, you know. Still, I think Disney embodies some sort of innocence I was never exposed to during my youth. But at the same time, they're a bunch of corporate whores, aren't they? Charging four dollars for a bottle of water. Please. Did you know that their yearly profit is greater than that of some developed nations? Damn Americans and their-"
An exasperated groan to his left stopped Rodney short.
"Please tell me that if I wish really hard, you'll just go away?" came the muffled question from Sheppard, whose head was still buried under his forearms.
Rather than being offended, McKay took the would-be insult as a complement. Somehow. "Sorry, Major. You're stuck with me, at least until we get things straightened out. Well, until I get things straightened out, considering it will be me doing the majority of the work-"
"Really, really hard?" John tried again.
"Afraid not. Look, if you want out of this rabbit hole, why don't you come with me to my lab. The reality of it is - no pun intended - that when I do get the device up and running, you have to be there as well if you want to get the hell out of this place."
They both exited the infirmary and began to walk toward the science wing of Atlantis.
"If," John teased. "If you get Campbell back up and running." In all actuality, Sheppard knew McKay more than likely could figure out a way to get them home. He just enjoyed getting on the scientist's nerves.
"Oh ye of little faith. You're such a pessimist, Sheppard."
Laughing, the major replied, "This coming from a man who doesn't think any of my plans will work, or anyone else's for that matter. Besides, I prefer the term 'realist.'"
"I don't think any of your plans will work because they usually don't, Major. Not everyone can be as clever as I am-"
He stopped short when they entered the lab. There in front of them was a completely empty work desk.
"Where is it?" Rodney cried, panic welling up inside of him.
"I don't-"
"I left it right here, Major! This is where I put it to study after we brought it back from the planet, and now it's gone! It was right here!" he shouted, slamming his hand on the desk. "I bet that damned Kavanagh took it, trying to steal my ideas again-"
"Rodney, just calm down," said John slowly. "Just take a deep breath. I doubt Kavanagh stole it. It's probably just in a different location; this is an alternate reality after all."
"But where? It could me in a trillion places - anywhere in the universe at any point in time for all we know! That's over…," he did some quick mental calculations in his head, "well, it's a lot of possibilities! And even narrowing it down to only the places we can Gate to, that's still…," more mental math, "a lot of combinations! Millions, Major, millions!"
"Okay, deep breaths," Major Sheppard cautioned. "Before you pass out. Besides, I have a hunch on where to start looking."
"Forgive me, Major, but your hunches are about worth as much as…." Rodney tried to think of something witty to say, but his mind was still spinning from the complete shock and horror and losing their one chance at returning home. "Fine. Where?"
"Back on P7G-117," John stated matter-of-factly.
Scoffing, the astrophysicist challenged the pilot. "And what makes you say that, Doctor?"
John just ignored his taunting. "The Ancients were a smart bunch of people, McKay. Do you really think they'd build a device that would allow people to take a peek at 'life through another person's eyes,' only to strand them in that reality? They probably programmed it or something to return to that spot every time someone reset it."
The scientist just looked at him, skeptical. "You're no astrophysicist. How could you possibly-"
"A little common sense goes a long way, Rodney. Now let's go see who's running this show so we can get out butts back to that planet." With that, he walked out of the lab.
McKay watched the major leave. The man was right, and Rodney knew it, but he was still aggravated that he had been bested. By a military man. No, worse: a doctor! Damn him. Damn him, damn him, damn him.
TBC
Yep, I know the Hippocratic Oath doesn't really say 'First, do no harm,' but I figured if it was good enough for Carson to say in 'Poisoning the Well' than it's good enough for us.
Let's review, shall we? Just for those whose heads are spinning (and that includes me): John has Carson's spot, Rodney has Teyla's spot, Elizabeth has John's spot, Carson has Ford's spot, Ford has Zelenka's spot. Hmm... where oh where could the other charatcers be? ;)