Per Alicus Oculae
A/N: Yay! 100 reviews! Keep 'em coming, guys, and thanks to all the new reviewers, too. I saw the new season 2 promo pics (check them out at new-atlantis dot net) and got all excited, so here's the next chapter a little early!
TubaPrincess: Because I couldn't resist keeping Kavanagh as a jerk. Maybe that's a bad excuse, but it's just too much fun the way he is! You can't change 'em all... :)
sgafan33: Glad you like it! Rodney does refer to Elizabeth both by her first name and her title in the series, but the main reasons I have him doing so here is a) I got sick and tired of typing out E-liz-a-beth every time, and b) it would be monotonous to see 'Elizabeth' every other sentence. Hope that made sense.
evilclone: Suprisingly, you were the only one to ask about the muchkins and oompaloompas, lol. That was a request from a friend to have me stick it in there. Yeah, I have no idea either...
ESCotLoE: The device is only affecting John and Rodney, which - for reasons that will be explained in this chapter - is why they are the only ones who recognize something's up. To everyone else, this is their dimension. John and Rodney were the two transported into another universe, into one where all the base personnel have different roles. Hope that clears things up. :)
Chapter 7: Erector Sets
They made quite the pair, standing there impatiently on the Gate room floor waiting for the team to return from P7G-117 with the Ancient device. John, with his stark white doctor's coat and all the bells and whistles that came with the job, and McKay, in his malodorous Athosian circus tent outfit. In any other galaxy, in any other reality, it might have looked bizarre and out of place… okay, it still looks bizarre, corrected John. I mean, just look at McKay!
The two friends were The Odd Couple, side by side. Partners in crime. Like Hawkeye and Trapper, Starsky and Hutch, or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - minus the whole guns ablazin' untimely death thing. Or so they hoped, at any rate. Their day wasn't over, after all, and with their luck….
Suddenly, the klaxons from the above control room came to life, signaling an incoming traveler. As the seventh chevron locked and the wormhole established, Kavanagh received the proper IDC from Elizabeth and ordered the shield to be lowered. Through the Stargate walked the five returning team members, uninjured and in one piece, but more importantly - to McKay at least - in possession of the Ancient device.
"Well it took you long enough," complained Rodney. "This dead thing I'm wearing is starting to decompose already; I'm a walking health hazard, just to let you know. Rigor mortis isn't exactly a style that I care to sport, either."
"We had some trouble making sense of you directions, Rodney," Bates, the linguist, said.
"Ah, I should have known. Compound words have a tendency to befuddle the weaker-minded. Maybe next time I should just draw a nice little pictogram with stick figures and rudimentary geometric shapes, would that have been easier to understand?"
He walked up to Teyla and hurriedly snatched Campbell out of her hands.
"Hey!" she protested. "Be careful with that! It needs to be taken to my lab for analysis, so don't go dinging it up." It was odd to hear Teyla sound more Earth-like in her speech patterns instead of being so wooden, using contractions even and slang like 'dinging it up.'
"Don't worry, Teyla, he knows what he's doing," assured John.
Snorting and pushing her eyeglasses up the bridge of her nose, she replied, "Yeah, I'm sure. I wasn't aware the Athosians had a college of arts and sciences on their little planet so focused in the field of astrophysics."
John cast an amused look toward Rodney, who was looking at Teyla in shock. "Apparently some of your charming personality must have rubbed off on her, eh McKay?" he whispered. Then to the team, "Look, I just have to take this device to the med wing and run some basic tests on it to make sure there are no biohazards or toxins present, all right?" he lied.
"Fine," replied Kavanagh, who had walked down the stairs and joined them. "But-"
John and Rodney didn't even wait for his blessing before heading not for the infirmary but for one of the more isolated labs. After walking three steps, McKay turned around in a huff, yanked the transcript of the Ancient text Bates had apparently copied down from the cave wall out of the man's notebook, and followed Major Sheppard out of the room.
Several minutes later, Campbell sat on a workbench, hooked up once more to machines and laptops. Sprawled out in front of the apparatus were the pages upon pages of Ancient text, which Rodney was now poring over.
Frowning to himself, John piped up, "A little déjà vu, don't you think?"
"Let's hope not, hmm?" answered Rodney, who finished reading four lines of text. On the keyboard of his laptop, he typed two words in English.
John looked over his shoulder. "Two words? That's it? You read four lines and all you got out of it was two words?"
"Major, this is a highly technical and not to mention tedious process of first translating the Ancient to English, then attempting to decipher in what context the words are meant to be taken, then understanding the scientific designations for all of their contraptions, which, by the way, are rather dissimilar to ours. It doesn't just say, 'Push on button,' you know. Besides, it was Bates who copied it down. He probably got it wrong, anyway, that goon. I wouldn't trust him with those decoder games on the back of Rice Crispies cereal boxes." He snickered to himself, apparently thinking that was pretty funny and clever.
"Yeah, but at least he copied it down, unlike someone else I know who neglected to do so the first time around."
McKay thought about that and accepted the barb. "Point taken." Silently he read for a few more minutes before writing down a few more words, three this time.
Frowning once again, John realized this could take a while. "So…" he began nonchalantly. "How long do you think you'll be at this thing?"
"Don't worry," Rodney replied, not looking up from the paper. "We'll, ah, be back in time for the evening news," he finished, laughing nervously.
"And you say that because…?"
There was no answer as Rodney ignored him.
"Because you know it's going to work. Right?" John didn't know who he was trying to convince more: himself or Rodney.
McKay mumbled something incoherently.
"Right?" John tried again, this time feeling a little more uneasy.
Putting down his pencil in annoyance, McKay replied, "Yes, Major, because I'm so a glass-half-full kind of guy. Now if you'll stop with you stupid questions, I should have the device ready to go within the next few minutes."
Five Hours Later
"I'm bored," John complained.
"And what exactly do expect me to do about that, Major?" McKay responded, irked and now tinkering with Campbell itself.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe fix the goddamn thingy for starters!"
Rodney sighed. "Believe me, I'd love to. But the 'thingy' is a lot more complicated than that. It's not as simple as flicking the same switches we did before but in reverse order. I have to do this correctly so that we don't end up in some other alternate reality rather than our own. And that, Major, is going to take some time. Why don't you see if Elizabeth wants to spar." Anything to get you to leave me alone so I can work.
"I already asked her. Apparently she's too busy, you know, running the military and all. I don't remember being that busy when I was in charge," John mused.
"That's because you're lazy and unmotivated. I'm no military commando or anything, but I have a hunch problems won't fix themselves while you're lounging on the couch, eating popcorn, and playing with yo-yo's."
"What can I say, I'm multitalented."
Being stuck in some tiny room with McKay did not bode well for John's patience. He liked to think of himself as a patient man, but having to spend the better part of a day with the world's most infuriating astrophysicist really tried that assumption.
"Come on, McKay," he began. "Can't you... reverse the polarity of the... plasma conduits or… something? You know, do some of that 're-configure the solar… matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion while… rearranging the microconvertor to align it in phase with that… Heisenberg compensator' technobabble stuff you're always spouting off about." He didn't know if throwing in every single scientific word he had ever heard McKay use actually meant anything, he just knew it sounded good.
Rodney scoffed and looked at Sheppard pitifully. "Unfortunately, it's a little more complex than anything you might have seen on that joke of a show Star Trek. Don't even get me started on the scientific inaccuracies of the writing. Now, if you have something intelligent to say, raise your hand. Otherwise, kindly keep your mouth shut so I can work at solving the universe's mysteries. Thank you." With a scowl he went back to work.
"Just… hurry up, okay? Before they make me do open-heart surgery on someone."
In the five hours since obtaining the device, John had twice been called to the infirmary to tend to two of Atlantis's residents. Thankfully, though, neither required open-heart surgery. They both complained of headaches and congestion, and at a loss for what else to do, John told them to take some Tylenol and Sudafed. Tylenol seemed to be the answer for everything, or at least he hoped. John had a hunch that had he really been a doctor, he would have been fired long ago.
Each time he had returned to the lab to find McKay still working on reconfiguring Campbell, each time more parts were strewn about the desk, and each time he had grown more frustrated, depressed, and bored. Oh, how he was bored.
And so he sat on one of the lab's swiveling computer chairs, spinning while trying to balance a pencil on his finger for amusement. When he had mastered that, he moved on to trying to balance it on his nose. No success yet. Maybe if I stand up…. John stood and tried balancing the writing tool on his nose that way, walking a few steps in either direction for stability but only succeeding in bumping into tables.
McKay watched him from the corner of his eye. The pilot's antics were distracting him from his work. "Major, would you please cut that out? Or at least find something more intellectually stimulating than a pencil to entertain yourself with?"
"Well, you know what they say, Rodney," he replied, continuing the balancing act. "'The greater the mind, the simpler the toy.'"
"It's a common misconception. You're just not happy unless you're blowing up something, aren't you?"
Major Sheppard put down the pencil and pondered what Rodney had just said. Shrugging, he replied, "Yeah, that sounds about right. At least I'm not constantly holed up in some lab-" he gestured to all the equipment and components that littered the room "- playing with glorified Erector Sets."
"Oh… go shoot yourself."
Plopping himself down on one of the chairs, John continued. "It's called relaxing. You should look into it sometime."
"Unlike you, Major, I have no time for leisurely activities. My work here is too important."
"Well, you know what they say: all work and no play makes Rodney a dull boy," John chided.
That got McKay to look up. "Really? Who said that? Did someone actually call me dull? Because I'll have them know that I'm in fact-"
"McKay. It's just an expression." Dear Lord….
"Oh."
John moved on to twirling the stethoscope that had been around his neck in the air, the instrument making whooshing noises as he did so, much to his delight but Rodney's vexation.
"Major, would you please stop that? You could damage or even break that, you know."
Sheppard shrugged. "I don't even know what it is."
"A stethoscope?"
John looked at the instrument with realization. "Oh, yeah," he grinned. "So that's what it's called…."
Snorting, McKay replied, "And they say you graduated from Johns Hopkins. They did say 'graduate' and not 'drop out,' right?"
After a few minutes more of Rodney tinkering about, John wondered, "So what do we actually know so far? Why were we the only ones who were sent to this other dimension?" Maybe trying to solve this little Scooby Doo mystery would keep his mind somewhat occupied.
McKay shrugged, not really listening. "Because we were the only ones with the Ancient gene who touched it?"
"No, that doesn't make sense. Beckett has the gene and he touched it right after you did in the briefing room."
There was no input from McKay, so John continued to theorize.
"What about that 'clear' switch you told me about?"
That got McKay's attention. He looked over some notes he had scribbled down and smiled slowly. "Yes, that makes sense…. We were the only ones with the Ancient gene who touched the device after the 'clear' button was pressed and before the 'set' and 'discharge' buttons were pushed! It says right here that the device imprints on the user or users, sort of like that shielding device I found in the city earlier. So when we touched it, it 'locked on' to us, for lack of a better term, and when we-"
"You mean 'you.'"
"Whatever. When… the 'set' button was pressed, it saved our data, our information. Then the 'discharge' switch was flicked, and, well, you know the rest. That's why we were the only ones affected."
"Okay, but here's another thought: why aren't there two of us running around?" John wondered. "Shouldn't there be an alternate version of us along with the real us occupying the same dimension?"
"I doubt it. That would defeat the whole purpose of the device: to allow its users to experience life in someone else's shoes in another reality, not to have them share in it. Think of it like a video game where you're playing another character in a different setting or level."
"Uh-huh. So that helps us… how?"
Shrugging, Rodney replied, "It doesn't."
That's it. I've had it, John thought, anger building inside him. "Rodney, I swear to God, if you don't-"
"Calm down, Sheppard. I think I'm actually close to figuring it out."
"That's what you said four and a half hours ago!"
"Yes, but this time I actually know what I'm doing!"
"Oh, that's comforting…."
Five minutes later, a very tired and hungry Rodney put down his tools and pointed to Campbell. "Look, see? All done. I think I've correctly reprogrammed it to return us to our reality as soon as we push the correct sequence of buttons and switches, just as before."
Great, he 'thinks.' "You're sure?" John asked incredulously.
"Hmm, relatively, yes."
"'Relatively.' Wonderful."
"Now all we have to do is touch the device again, click the heels of our ruby slippers together, and say, 'There's no place like home.'" McKay looked up an grinned.
"I knew it. You are the Cowardly Lion."
"Okay, no. If I'm anyone, I'm the Wizard of Oz himself."
"Right, sure. And that makes me…?"
Rodney thought for a moment. "The Scarecrow. Obviously." That downright smug smile spread across his features again.
Frowning, John tried to remember which one the Scarecrow was. The Cowardly Lion had no courage, The Tin Man had no heart, and The Scarecrow…. He grinned, realizing. The Scarecrow had no brain. Of course.
"That's very thoughtful of you, Rodney, but I don't know if it's such a good idea to be-"
A voice on the intercom system interrupted John. As soon as he heard the nasally, grating, high-pitched squeaks that the creature known as Nurse Trisha Harland used to communicate with other members of her species, his head snapped upwards and his eyes widened in worry. What if she, now back from her dinner break, was hunting him down, bent on driving him mad once again?
"Doctor Sheppard, Doctor Sheppard," the voice said. "You are needed in the infirmary immediately."
Instantly, he snapped back around to McKay. "Do it! Quick, do it now before that woman finds me here!"
Nodding, McKay hit the 'clear' button. He then placed his hand on the device, followed in suit by John. Then he quickly entered the 'set' and 'discharge' commands before a familiar what light and shockwave emanated from the device, sending them both flying backwards toward the doorway.
TBC
Hmm, that seemed familiar. Okay, folks, one more chapter. :(
Yeah, there was a Galaxy Quest reference in there. :)