Author's Note: This is a drabble on Harry's feelings about using the Cruciatus Curse on Bellatrix Lestrange in the Department of Mysteries at the end of Order of the Phoenix.
Forgivable
They have no reason to suspect me of doing anything of the sort, so it's not like they'll come charging into my room on Privet drive to confiscate my wand and throw me in Azkaban. Besides, like they care what I do to Bellatrix Lestrange. It would be quite funny to see the looks on my relatives' faces, though.
She's done a whole lot worse than I have, not to mention the fact she's a bit touched in the head. I mean, after all those years with dementors? Who wouldn't be? Even though I'm reluctant to, Sirius could easily be grouped in with that generalization. He was a bit touched in the head, though not nearly as bad as his cousin.
Hermione probably put it best; he thought I was James, and as much as I love Sirius, I'm beginning to agree with her. It becomes painfully obvious when that person is gone, which to me seems to defeat the purpose of having them around. Wouldn't it have been better if I hadn't been in denial about it then, and confronted him? It may not have helped anything, but all the 'what ifs' won't bring him back.
But after all, she had to have had something wrong with her before Azkaban to voluntarily submit herself to Voldemort. I find it ironic in a way; she's so self righteous about her 'power' over me, and what she thinks on things. She likes to tease and 'play' with her victim's heads when she's dueling or torturing them. Yet, that's what Voldemort does to her, and all his supporters.
He treats them like they treat their own victims, only they willingly participate in such treatment. That's the part I don't understand, but I have come to realize something important about her. She enjoys the pain of the Cruciatus curse. It's not a punishment for her any longer, because she's gone through it so much. To her, it's almost a sign of respect to be able to endure such a pain. What do they call it? Desensitization.
Which is why I'm comfortable saying that it wasn't so unforgivable in putting that curse on her. After all, how could it be when she herself doesn't mind having it placed on her? So, if something like the Cruciatus curse doesn't hurt her, then what would? I'm still thinking on that issue.
So, was Tom Riddle right? There is no good and evil, only power and those to weak to seek it. I don't believe that entirely, but the line between forgivable and unforgivable has started to get a little gray. Does the fact I perform this curse on someone of this nature 'excuse' me from what I did?
Not necessarily, but I'm not the judge of that. Not entirely sure who is the judge, or even if there is one. The fact that the distinction between them has started to blur would have scared me several years ago, I'm certain of that. It doesn't scare me so much now. Maybe it's to soon after Sirius' death try and make sense of my emotions, but it's no use in trying to push them aside to deal with them later. They'll only come back harder later on. It's about time I decided to pull my head out of my ass and do something.
Although…Sirius would be disappointed if he knew I had sunk to the level of a death eater and performed an unforgivable. At least, that's how he would see it. Perhaps. Would he mind if he knew, or does he know already? I could dwell on that subject to no end, and continue going around in the proverbial circle for ages upon ages. So I won't.
I'm not stupid enough to entirely believe there won't be repercussions that will come back to haunt me, though, oh no. It will come eventually, whether it be in my worst nightmares or from Bellatrix herself.
I do know one thing, I'm not sorry for what I did, nor am I glad. It taught me that I need to prepare for this war. It's all on my shoulders now, and I'm going to meet that challenge head on. The prophecy only confirms what had been the dark shadow waiting in the back of my mind ever since the end of my first year at Hogwarts. They have no idea what they're messing with, and they will reckon the day they decided to screw with Harry Potter.