Goodbye, Beautiful Dream
I look at the picture on my desk, an old picture, perfectly preserved in a distant silver frame. Beautiful, but untouchable. Just like the woman with that gentle smile. Exactly like Yume when I first met her. Mature and wise beyond her years, a lovely creature so fragile that one did not dare touch her for fear of breaking her.
I broke her.
I loved her, but I broke her all the same. I just didn't have time for love then. I still don't.
Yume Hikawa. The moment I first saw her is strangely clear in my mind. She was standing outside the shrine where she lived, sweeping the cherry blossoms from the path. She appeared so lost in thought, her priestess garb billowing in the late spring breeze. I stood there for a few minutes. Just standing at the gate, staring.
I was young and foolish and it amazed me how delicate she looked, so delicate and small and exquisite, like an orchid, or a lily – her favourite flowers. Her skin looked like fine porcelain, so pale against her long hair – blacker than the wing's of the crows in the trees above her. I guessed that it reached to her mid-back, perhaps. Then she looked up, smiled at me, and spoke.
"Hello, sir." She bowed, hair falling into her face like some great onyx waterfall. A common greeting I am sure, but I relished the sight of her cascading black hair, the sound of her voice. A firm voice, yet there was such gentleness to it – a wonderful softness and kindness. It was her eyes as she looked up that truly caught me, though – her eyes and her smile. Like all her other features, Yume's eyes were a sight to behold. They held wisdom. An extraordinary depth of knowledge, so warm and inviting it sparkled in her eyes. And a soft sort of amusement – like the sound of a chuckle something sweet and pleasant and mild – like we shared some private joke. Then that lingering sadness, an elusive shadow in the depths of those dark brown eyes, it was not sharp or cold, it was an old kind of sadness, smoothed away by years, but never truly gone. Like her voice her gaze held an inner strength, a glowing flame that burned in the depth of her soul.
That smile, such a puzzle – such a contradiction. A slight smile, a diminutive lift of thin, pink lips that did not quite glimmer in her eyes. An understanding smile, as though she could see within the depths of my soul. I believe that, in a way, Yume could see into my soul like no one else.
I returned the greeting. A brief 'hello' and a bow, I could not think what to call her. No title seemed fitting for such a vision.
"Are you the shrine maiden?" I asked her.
"Yes, I am. Welcome to the Hikawa Shrine. My name is Hikawa Yume. Are you troubled?" She asked as though she knew how I would answer. I could only think of her name. Yume. Dream. Fitting, truly fitting for she was my dream. Already, she had become my dream.
"No, but thank you, Hikawa-san. My name is Hino Yukio."
"Welcome to the Hikawa Shrine, Hino-san. If you wish I will give you a tour."
It felt like eternity, that walk through the cherry blossoms, it would have been so wonderful to spend an eternity there with her – but I am romanticizing. It has been a long time, I suppose. I haven't truly thought of these things in years and years.
Two years passed and then we married, under those same cherry blossoms. A year later Rei was born, my darling little girl. At that time my career as a politician was beginning. It would require me to leave them, but I wished to provide for them both. I had promised Yume so many things. I remember so clearly the day I told her I was leaving...the conversation has been engraved upon my mind. It would be one of our last. One of the last times I saw my Yumemi – my beautiful dream.
"Why can't you stay here? With me and our child?" There were tears brimming in her eyes, I hated to see them, but I forced myself to think of Rei's future even if Yume would not.
"Yumemi, understand…I need this, we need this. For our family. I want to provide for you and Rei. I want us to be happy."
"Rei is happy. I am happy. What more can you desire, Yukio? Tell me."
"I want our lives to be perfect. I want to buy you a beautiful home and everything that you deserve. I want Rei to have the best of everything. I don't want for her to wish for anything."
Her hand made a trail across my cheek and her dark eyes gazed into mine. "Everything I have ever looked for, I found in you, Yukio. I don't want to lose you for a mansion or money or pretty silk."
I kissed the palm of her hand. I remember she smelled like cherry blossoms and lilies. "You will never lose me, Yume. I promise."
I broke that promise and I broke her.
In the months that followed I rarely had a chance to speak with her. Things were hectic and I was so busy. I still remember her eyes when I left her. The sadness that had always lingered seemed to gain bitter poignancy when we said goodbye, as though she knew it would be the last time.
I loved her, but I broke her all the same.
I did not believe anything would happen to her until I got the letter from her father. I still have it, tucked behind the picture, but I already know what it says, silly that I should remember such a thing, but I do…it said:
Hino-san,
I am sorry to tell you that Yume has died. In the past few months her condition has not been good, however she did not wish to distract you from your work. I am sorry that you must hear of her death this way. The funeral will be on November 17th.
Hikawa Keitaro
That was it. Brief, cold, impersonal. I didn't deserve anything more. I had killed Yume. He had suggested that the strain might be dangerous for her before I left. I killed the one woman who had understood. The only one I could love.
After the funeral I asked Hikawa-san to take care of Rei. I expected him to yell or fight or do something, but he quietly acquiesced. Sometimes I wish he had not, but it is best this way. I am no sort of man and I already caused the death of my Yumemi.
I loved her, but I broke her all the same.
What more can I say? Regrets are pointless now. What's done is done. My daughter is provided for and happy – the one thing Yume was wrong about – Rei is happy without me. She celebrated her…fourth birthday just yesterday. Kaidou sent her a card.
Everything comes at a price…
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters from the animanga. They belong to Naoko Takeuchi, et al.
A/N: I intended Yukio's character to be more distant and cold, but I rather think I prefer this. I think that his continued attempts to hide his emotion with business-like words reveal his fear of vulnerability, but I'd really appreciate your feedback on that since I might rewrite it after all (and if you think his language is a tad flowery imagine that he wanted to become a writer instead of a politician, but had no wish to remember such petty ambition). I used some references from the manga specifically Kaidou, Hino Yukio's assistant who has aspirations of following in his footsteps; he and Rei had the potential for a relationship. During the series, however, Hino Yukio had him marry someone else. (I haven't read the manga, but I have read about Kaidou and I thought he fit with the story).
I am not sure that 'Hikawa' is Rei's grandfather's last name; I simply assumed that it was because of the name of the shrine. The first names of Rei's mother, father, and grandfather are also fictional. They were chosen because I thought that they suited the character, but please let me know what you think. The translations are included below:
Keitaro – Blessed
Yume - Dream
Yukio – Gets what he wants, God will nourish
Translations are from: www(dot)babynamesworld(dot)com