Still Heart
Summary: The damage is irreparable, but still Padmé loves the man who was her husband… Padmé POV, RotS spoilers. Vignette.
Characters: Padmé, Anakin, mention of Leia and Luke
Timeframe: What goes on through Padmé's head as she is giving birth and dying in RotS
Disclaimer: All things recognisably Star Wars belong to George Lucas. I just like making up my own stories. ALL HAIL LUCAS!
A/N: My first first-person vignette – I began writing this before I even saw RotS, simply because I was moved to tears by what I was reading and seeing (in pictures and ads) of the tragedy of Padmé and Anakin. I've now revised it a little after watching RotS today (LOVED IT). I realise that this is done a lot (Padmé POV, I mean), but I just wrote it how I see it. Please review.
"Anakin, you're breaking my heart." I told you that you were breaking my heart. It is not true. My heart is not broken – it is still held together, beating my love for you even now, even after your fall. I loved you even as I felt the pressure on my throat, squeezing my breath away. I loved the man I knew was still there inside, underneath the fiery blaze of your eyes. I still love that man – but he is gone. Stolen away from me by hatred and anger and fear, torn from my arms and moulded by some evil into a stranger I no longer recognise but for the once-handsome features of my husband, twisted now by a rage I could not quench. "I don't know you any more."
You did not break my heart, but it is damaged beyond repair. Bruised, punctured, pierced – my heart bleeds for you from the holes you pricked with each one of your words. "The Jedi turned against me. Don't you turn against me. You betrayed me." Those words – every one of them – were as sharp and searing as if you had taken your lightsaber and stabbed me with it. Every tear I cried for you then was a drop from my heart, dark and fresh and painful, flowing from the hole in my very soul that you pierced. "Come away with me. You're a good person, don't do this." Every word I said to you was a call, a cry, to the man I know still lives somewhere in you. Where are you, my beloved husband? Where have you fled? Why could I not draw you out from the depths of darkness?
I still love you, but it is too much for my body to hold now. My love flows out of my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my wounds. It mingles with the tears on my cheeks and burns my skin with a fire so pure, so sweet and yet so harsh that I feel as if the fire of my love is consuming me. My heart will never be empty, no matter how much it leaks. It will run over with my memories. Memories of our love, our conversations, our glances, our kisses. Memories of the beautiful, happy life we led for a few too-short years and the love you had for me. "I missed you, Padmé. You're so beautiful." My heart will fill with the dreams I had for our future, dashed to pieces in a few minutes. "Help me raise our child." Dreams of our lives together, raising our children together, laughing together, growing old together. All these visions are seeping from my eyes and into my heart, where they will stay forever unfulfilled, never to be dreamed again.
I feel the pain of my children – our children – kicking inside me, impatient to escape into the world. I feel the pain as they push out into the world. Yet none of this compares to the pain in my heart, more agony than any other physical wound I have ever had. None of this compares to the excruciating feeling that ripped through me – and is still hurting – when you turned your back on all that you knew was good, all that you knew was pure. "You turned to the Dark side and killed Younglings." None of the physical pain compares to the pain that I felt when I saw that you turned away from the Jedi, away from the light. Away from me.
Anyone would look at me now and think I was crazy. Crazy because I believe I could not save you, that my love was not enough to bring you back. Crazy because I still love you with everything I have. Crazy because I still believe in the Anakin I knew, the one who made me laugh and fought for the good of the galaxy. Crazy because I still hope for your return to the path that was set out so clearly before you. They could think that I am crazy; I don't care. I am not insane. I know that the man I fell in love with still lives in your body. I know that your heart and your soul are unchanged – just covered with a veil of darkness. Even though what I gave you was not enough for you, I still pray that you will remember the trust I never betrayed, the hope I never let go of, the love I never stopped giving. "I'll never stop loving you, but you are going down a path I can't follow." Though you will not come back in my lifetime, I pray that one day we will be reunited after death. One day you will come back to me.
I look at our children now and I see you in their faces. She is so beautiful – so pure, so good. He is so strong and lovely. So like you used to be. The holes in my heart are patched over as a surge of love for our son – "Luke" – and our daughter – "Leia" – sweeps through me, making me whole. Yet I still cannot help but think of the moments we will never share together as a complete family. The feeling of being whole fades and new tears flow from my eyes. I will never see them take their first steps, say their first words. I will never see them grow into the beautiful young woman and the handsome young man I know they will become. And you…you will never know your daughter or your son. You will never hold them or bond with them as their father. We will never be a whole family, never together. Without you with me, with Leia, with Luke, with us, I am not complete. I can never be complete.
I cannot go on with my beautiful little babies – I have little time left. The pain, the love, the tears – it is too much for me to hold. I must give them up. I must give myself up. I will leave this place for another where I can escape the pain you caused me. I will bear away my love for you and our children where it can spill over and break free of my tattered heart, washing everything clean and bright. I see it gleaming in the distance already.
The time is coming now – I say a farewell to our daughter. I say a farewell to our son. I say a silent farewell to you, as I say my last words to Obi-Wan. "There is good in him." A last farewell to my Anakin, my husband, my life, my soul. Even in my pain, I love you. Even in death, I will still love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. And now, in death, my heart can finally be still.