You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

Chapter one: The Plan

Disclaimer: If I owned Firefly, it wouldn't have gotten on air in the first place.

The crew and passengers alike were going about their normal activities when a loud, feminine shriek tore through the air. Almost automatically everyone looked at River, but the teen was quietly counting tiles.

"I cannot believe you!" bellowed the feminine voice.

"Ow! Sorry!" said another voice, much more masculine.

"GET OUT!"

"Ah, okay! Quit throwing things at me!"

"You pervert!"

"Cool it! How was I supposed to know that you were changing?"

"That is why you knock!" said the feminine voice, careful annunciating each syllable as though speaking to small child.

"I never knock, it's my gorram shuttle!"

Everyone sighed. Yet another fight.

"Do they ever get tired?" asked Kaylee, speaking to no one in particular.

"Nope," replied Zoë evenly.

"It is so gorram obvious," said Kaylee,"Yet all they ever do is fight."

"It's not your shuttle! I rent it!" Inara's voice was accompanied by glass shattering.

"Wonder if Mal saw anything good," commented Jayne, not in the least bit paying attention.

"Ow! Gorram whore! That one hit my eye!"

"Maybe I should go up there," said Simon, he stopped to pick up his red medic's bag before leaving.

"Do NOT call me a whore!"

"Fine!"
There was a blessed silence that lasted about three minutes.

"What were you doing in my shuttle in the first place?" Inara's voice had a dangerous edge to it.

"I was going to tell you we were landing soon."
"And you just HAPPENED to walk in on me changing!" Her temper was back.

"What do you think I spied on you?" Mal's voice was a roar.

"I wouldn't put it past you!"

"Not like I saw anything!"

Jane chuckled and muttered, "Yeah, I bet." Everyone else was listening quietly.

"Did you call me ugly?" Inara said, getting angrier by the second.

"No!"

"So you called me pretty? That's even worse!"
"NO!"

"Which one is it?"
Fortunately, Simon interrupted at this point, muttered "erm...", and squirmed under the almost-couple's murderous glare. He built up courage and said," Captain, you might want to get that bandaged."

"This?" said Mal indicating a bloody gash on his arm that still had a small piece of ornamental vase stuck on it, "Just a scratch."
"Still, I'd feel a lot better..." started Simon.

"Alright, doc," said Mall, and exited, glaring at Inara the whole time.

After Dinner

"We should really do something about those two," said Kaylee.

"Maybe," said Zoë, "but what?"

"I have an idea," said Jayne.

Everyone groaned simultaneously.

"No, really," he persisted.

"Okay, Jayne," said Zoë grudgingly, "what's your idea?"

"Well," he started, "what if we forced them to be near one another?"

"They would kill each other," said Zoë, "Next idea."

""Or," said Jayne.

"The survivor would kill us," said Zoë sarcastically.

"That might actually work," said Kaylee, cheerful as always.

"Maybe," said Simon.

"This is the captain we're talking about," said Zoë in disbelief, "we're supposed to follow his orders!"

"Has he told us not to?" said Jayne reasonably.

"Okay," said Wash, "where do we put them?"

"The shuttle," said Jayne instantly, "that way they won't get in our way."

"We," said Wash, "can do it in a day or two. We're staying on this next planet for one week."

Everyone except Zoë nodded.

"We'll have to give them food," pointed out Kaylee.

"Well, 'Nara lets you in her shuttle, right Kaylee?" said Jayne.

"Yeah," said Kaylee, "but I'm not very sneaky."

"She lets me in the shuttle too," said River. Everyone turned to stare at her; no one realized she had been paying attention.

"Okay," said Wash, "can you sneak some protein bars and water in there?"

River nodded.

"So we are going to lock our leader in a shuttle we THINK he likes," said Zoë, slowly beginning to grasp that they were actually going to go thought with this.

"That about sums it up," said Wash.

Zoë sighed, "Let's do it."

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