You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

Chapter Two: Added A Little Too Much

Disclaimer: If I owned Firefly it wouldn't have gotten to air in the first place.

WoW! Nine reviews! Nine! Thank you soooooooo much kudos to all of you!

vtangelchix:thank you! This chapter kinda sucks though.

MikeJoe: Thank you, I think. What do you mean by"boot to the head"?

Piper: Kay, and thank you. I'll get around to the Mi fluff, I'm not too good at writing it but I'll try.

GreyWind: Thank you for reviewing!

Lightningbug: Thank you so much! Once again, I swear the next chapter will be better.

jahzara: Funny? Thanks! Improbable? Definitely. I don't think the crew of Serenity is THAT stupid, with the possible exception of Jayne, who makes up for his lack of intelligence by being entertaining.

Karanina: Thank you vair vair much.

Faith5X5: Me too! I am definitely a Mal and Inara fan but THE SHOW DIDN'T GO ON LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER! How very aggravating is that? Ah, well. We can cross our fingers for the movie which I'm pretty sure is coming out in June. Thank you for the review.

Tell: Kay. I actually read through this one, but grammar isn't my strong suit. Thank you so very much for reviewing.

Dinner was a very subdued affair. They were following Jayne's plan, and they had made a pretty big mistake. Huge, actually.

"Why are all of you so quiet?" said Mal, and stared at all of them. All of them stared back unperturbed, except for Zoë and Wash. "Is Zoë pregnant?"

"NO"

"Kaylee?"

"No!"

Mal paused for a minute then said very carefully, "River?"

"A baby doesn't live with-in her, but all around her," said River staring at her food.

"I'll take that as a no," Mal paused then slowly paled,"Inara?"

Inara blushed furiously, but shook her head.

"Then what in the name of baboon's arse cracks is going on?"

They all yelled "Nothing!" a little too quickly.

Mal sighed, then slowly choked down the protein bar as the crew watched him take every bite, feeling worse and worse after each one. Only Inara and Mal had touched their food.

This time Inara tried. "Did River try to cook again? If she did, she's improved dramatically. I can't tell the difference"

River merely giggled and said, "Secret" before she was silenced by the murderous glares of the others.

Simon was inwardly pounding himself on the head. The rest of them would have to eat the food, if only he hadn't been so clumsy. He sighed again. That morning, long before Mal even considered waking up and while Inara had been having some tea in her shuttle they had ironed out the details. They would lace Mal's and Inara's food with some sedatives. Very simple, easy and if there was an emergency the effects could easily be counteracted. He had smuggled the small vial into where Kaylee had been making dinner, but she hadn't had the chance to separate out portions for Mal and Inara yet. He had gotten up close to her so he could hand her the bottle, when he tripped on his shoelaces and he fell and the bottle went flying right into...the protein bars of course. They had gotten as many as they could away, but there was no telling. They didn't know who was going out cold, who was staying awake, and it was not doing too well. Having been scheduled to arrive on a planet in a day or two they were down to their last as far as food supplies went. They just didn't have enough to throw out the drugged batch and get a new one. Everyone stared at their plates.

"Why am I the only one eating?" said Mal suspiciously, and with good reason too, "what, is the food poisoned?"

Way too close for anyone's comfort. Everyone started eating their food very quickly, except River who was now staring at the ceiling and muttering, "It hurts to stay up like that. With the black always pushing it, one day if will just give in and then where will we be?" and Kaylee who took off muttering some pathetic excuse about the engines needing to be checked on.

Mal and Inara exchanged looks. Something was definitely going on and they seemed to be the only ones who hadn't the slightest idea what. He had half a mind to demand he know what was going on and order everyone to stay put until he was told, but he knew that wouldn't go over too well. He knew the extent of his authority.

Suddenly his table mates began dropping like flies, all hitting the floor. Mal tried to get up and call to Kaylee; she hadn't eaten any of it and should be able to help, until he too fell to the ground, but not without first bellowing, "Son of a bitch!"

Kaylee returned to the kitchen shortly after she heard the thumps to find only River conscious, and she was still talking to the ceiling. It could have been a lot worse. She too could have passed out and they would have a lot of explaining to do if Captain woke up before they were all coherent and moved h him.

"River," said Kaylee softly, though the likelihood of any of them waking up even if the engine was exploded was fairly low, "Honey, I need help."

River looked down and nodded, and they hauled Inara up into her shuttle making her comfortable on her bed.

Next was Mal. Good Lord, he weighed more than Jayne. They hauled him up to the shuttle and dumped him on the bed as well. Grinning, Kaylee arranged it so that his arms wrapped around Inara. Yep, they would have A LOT of explaining to do, once he was awake anyway.

Sorry for shortness and suckiness of chapter. Next one'll be better, I promise.