Chapter Fourteen

Ryan focused his eyes into the blue water of the Cohen's swimming pool, as he sat outside on a deck chair and smoked what must have been his tenth cigarette in a row. There were no thoughts in his mind, he wasn't in the mood to think, or reflect, or deal. So he focus his eyes on the water and his mind on the cigarette in his hand.

"I didn't know you smoked." Sandy Cohen announced his presence and sat on the edge of the chair next to Ryan's.

"I don't." Without looking, or even really acknowledging Sandy's presence, Ryan coldly responded.

"That certainly looks like a cigarette to me." Sandy was trying to lighten the mood, trying to find something to say. He had come outside to console a man in need of consolation, but when he walked outside to find the figure sitting in one of his lawn chairs, he didn't see the man Seth had introduced him to that morning in the kitchen. That day seemed like ages ago, because when Sandy came outside all he found was a boy. A boy scared, lost, and uncertain.

Ryan took a deep drag of his cigarette, as he pulled it from his lips, he carefully flicked the ashes into an empty soda can, and drew it back up to his face. For a moment he examined the object in between his fingers as if he was wondering how it had ended up there. "When I was younger," he finally looked away from the pool and over to Sandy. "Before I got sent to juvie I used to smoke. I was a kid, I thought it made me look tougher than I actually was."

Sandy was sure now, that he wasn't looking at a man, As his eyes met Ryan's he remember what it had been like for himself, when he was younger and his father left. "Look Ryan," he started then stopped to sigh. "I know what you don't want right now, so all I'm going to do is offer you this," Sandy held a key out to Ryan. "Kirsten and I want you to know that you can stay here as long as you like, or need too. We've got more than enough room and the pool house is all yours."

Humbly Ryan took the key from Sandy's hand, "Thank you Mr. Cohen, I appreciate it, but… I won't be here long as soon as…"

"As long as you want, or need," Sandy cut Ryan off by repeating himself. Sandy paused when he heard someone from behind clear their throat, he glanced over his shoulder to see Seth standing, waiting in the wings. "Well, I leave you two be," He turned to make his way back inside only to paused and turn back to Ryan, "And Ryan, no more of that Mr. Cohen stuff, it's Sandy."

Ryan shook his head at Sandy then focused his eyes back on the water as Seth took a seat in the exact spot Sandy had been sitting in. He reached into his pocket and removed another cigarette from the pack he'd bought on the way back from Chino. For a moment he flip the cigarette through his fingers and wondering if the chair in which Sandy, then Seth had sat in was going to be the console Ryan chair.

"So…" Seth bobbed his head and watched as Ryan lit his cigarette. "Isn't that a bad idea for your boxing?" Ryan shot Seth a look, which immediately made him wished he hadn't tried to make a joke. "Sorry… I called Marissa, she should be here any minute."

"What the hell did you do that for?" A harsh tone seeped from his voice as he asked Seth the question without ever taking his eyes off the water.

"I know you said not to…"

"Yeah I did, and apparently listening's not something your very good at."

"Look I just figured if anyone would be able to help you right now it would be…"

"Marissa's been through enough, she doesn't need to deal with my issues as well."

"Some how I don't think Marissa's going to add this to her list of problems she's had. I think she might want to be there for you."

Ryan shrugged and lifted his head up watching as the smoke flowed from his mouth and nose, "Doesn't matter, eventually she's going to leave," he leaned his head back against the chair, "Just like everyone else. First my dad, then my brother, my mom, and now Joe… Fuck it she can leave I don't care anymore."

Seth wasn't sure how to handle the situation, he could sense Ryan's mood starting to become hostile, and he didn't want to get defensive. "You don't mean that man."

"I don't?" Ryan quickly pulled his head to the side meeting Seth eye to eye with a stone cold serious gaze. "Joey was the only person who ever gave a damn about me, and if it weren't for him and what he did for me… I'd fucking be in jail right now Seth. And if I weren't in jail, I'd just be dead. I would say an addict but I never liked drugs enough for that. Don't you get it?" Ryan stood up and kicked over the chair he'd been sitting in, "I didn't fucking grow up with this Seth," he waved his arms violently around motioning to Seth's home. "I didn't have money, I didn't to go private school, I didn't have a gate at the front of my neighborhood. Closest thing to a gated community we have in Chino is bars on the windows. Everything I've become I owe to Joey. And the last conversation I had with him was an argument, a fight, about Marissa. The man gave me everything and I fucking disrespected him over a girl." He twisted his face, and pressed his lips together trying to hold back the emotions that would cause him tears. He dropped his voice from a yell into a normal speaking tone, "Over a girl who one day is going to wake up and realize that she can do better, that her fucking mother's right and that she doesn't need to slum it anymore, and she's going to leave just like everyone else." His hard gaze was still locked into Seth's shocked and scared eyes.

"You're wrong." Marissa stood just inches for the Cohen's backdoor, which she had walked out of just in time to hear Ryan's rage induced speech to Seth. She watched as his unmerciful stare lifted for Seth's eyes to hers. "I heard every word you said about me, and every word of it was wrong." She licked her lips and tried to get him to lock eyes with her.

Ryan bit down hard on the inside of his cheeks and dodged the eye contact she was trying to force. He reached down and violently grabbed his jacket, "I'm going for a walk," he told Seth. Before Marissa had a chance to move, he stuffed the pool house key in his pocket and cut through the Cohen's side yard at a jogging pace he knew no one would be able to keep up with.

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He wished he could sleep, not that lying against the wall of the lifeguard house would be all that great of a sleep but still it would be an escape. Sick, it was the only way to describe how he felt. Sick with guilt, sick with hurt, but mostly sick with himself and his actions. Ryan had never had this feeling before, the feeling like the heaviness in his chest was going to make his head explode. It was worse than any punch he'd ever taken in the ring, worse than the fists he'd taken in juvie, worst than the punches of his mother's may abusive boyfriends. He curled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them trying to wish it all away, he wanted to be strong, he wanted to have something to fight for so he could prove his strength. But all he felt was weak.

She steadied her steps so they were silently as she made her way up the slope. Patiently she had waited, giving him sometime alone, knowing that consolation may not have been what he wanted, but it was in fact what he'd needed. Marissa had known where he would be, his knowledge of Newport was limited and she was certain Chino was not some place he wanted to be that night. For a moment she watched him, his head buried in his knees. A flash of the pervious night went through her mind that felt like a million years ago at that moment. She loved him; there was no doubt in her mind. But she didn't know how to console him.

"I thought I'd find you here." Quietly she whispered.

Ryan's head jerked up from his knees, he didn't want to be seen like this, and it was why he'd run away. His tongue snaked out of his mouth, soothing his dry lips as he stared at her trying to look emotionless. "Well it's a long walk to Chino." He coldly responded.

She gave him a sad smile and took a few steps into the room. When he didn't make any attempt to move away, she moved in closer, until finally she crouched down the his level. Reaching out she ran her fingers through the hair near his temple, and softly brushed it back. He shook and pulled back slightly from her touch, only to feel her do it over and over until he finally met her eyes with his.

"I won't tell you it's going to be ok, and I won't pretend to know how you feel, okay." She closed her eyes and tried to fight back the tears. She couldn't cry, he didn't need to see her cry for him it would only make things worse. Marissa wanted to hold him, make him feel safe, the way he made her feel. But at the moment he was like a wild animal and if she tried to get too close he'd run for the woods. She kept her eyes locked with his trying to silently dispel everything he'd told Seth. His eyes looked back at her unapologetic for what he'd said.

"Do you want me to take you back to the Cohen's?" She watched his head shake as he pulled away from her touch. "Ok, then can I stay here with you?" A response to the question didn't matter to Marissa, right or wrong she was going to stay there with him. He shrugged, and she moved next to him and propped herself against the wall. A moment passed before Marissa reached up and gently nudged his head towards her shoulder. At first he met her with resistance, so she pushed harder and forced his head onto. With one hand she held him there until she felt him begin to relax. With a deep sigh Marissa looked out to the waves crashing into the beach then back down at Ryan. She had no real comparison to match the pain of what he was going through, but she had suffered her own and was determined to shared her found strength with him.

There was nothing she could do for him, feeling powerless was a feeling she was all too familiar with. Her eyes stay on him, with her mind searching for something she could do. With the utmost care and caution she leaned down moving her mouth near his ear, she softly sang to him the chorus of a song that had always been one of comfort to her. "And I'll be awful sometimes, weakened to my knees, but I'll learn to get by on little victories."