A/N: First to answer a question I've been asked, the song used in at the end of the last chapter is a song call Little Victories by Matt Nathanson (who happens to be a friend of mine, my other story Curve of the Earth is named after one of his songs as well, he's a totally awesome musician check him out at Secondly this chapter was really hard for me to write on several fronts, so if the quality of the story has dropped for you because of this chapter I apologize, I really had to force myself to write this one and it went through at least ten drafts.

Chapter Fifteen

"Come in," Ryan bellowed from bathroom of the Cohen's pool house. He looked to the bathroom shelf, then back down into his toiletries bag. "Razor, shaving cream, toothbrush," he mumbled to himself trying to make sure he'd remembered to pack everything.

Marissa stepped inside the pool house and looked around confused for a moment before realizing his voice had come from the bathroom.

"Hey," he casually greeted her, as he walked from the bathroom directly to the closet.

"Hey," she retorted back and gave him a slight wave. Cold wasn't exactly the word Marissa would have used to describe the way Ryan had been acting, but it was certainly borderline. Just over two weeks had passed since Joey's passing, and Ryan had spent most of that time locked inside the Cohen's pool house, speaking in single phrases. It killed her that there was nothing she could do for him, and even if there had been he wouldn't let her do anything. Every time she tried to touch him he pulled back, if she tried to crawl in bed with him, he turned away. She knew he wasn't looking for sympathy, but he wasn't letting anyone give him what he needed. Marissa sighed and looked over to the closet where he was standing. "So how are you feeling?"

Ryan looked back to her and shrugged as he grabbed clothes from the closet and stuffed them into a duffel bag. "I'm leaving for Atlantic City where in five days I have my first major fight, millions of people are going to see it on television. I haven't touched a bag or threw a punch in two weeks, I'm going to work with a team of people whom I don't know, and I'm twelve pounds overweight. Which means I have to lose twelve pounds before the weigh in which is in four days, and for the first time I don't have Joey in my corner…" His eyes sharply looked up to her, "And please don't give me any bullshit about how he'll be there in spirit."

Marissa pressed her lips together and quietly sat down on the bed. She didn't know what to say all she wanted to do was take away his pain, ease his mind, and make things better. "Ryan," she said his name softly to get his attention.

Something about the tone in her voice made him stop his violent packing and meet her eyes. "Yea." His much not much louder than a whisper.

"Do you ever wonder why you do it? I mean you told me the whole story about how you and Joey met and how he saw you fighting, but sometimes do you ever wonder what you're fighting for?"

"I don't really think about it. Mostly I think about what I have to do to win." He turned back to his bags and resumed packing.

Marissa took a deep sigh and closed her eyes, "What time's your plane leave?"

He glance down at his watch, "I have to be at the airport in an hour."

"Do you want me to take you, we could spend sometime together."

Ryan stood and slung his bag over his shoulder, "I already called a cab."

"Oh." She looked down and began to pick at the polish on her nails.

"I'm gonna go tell the Cohen's I'm leaving and say bye." He moved to walk out of the pool house and stopped when he noticed Marissa still sitting on the bed. "You coming?"

"Ryan." She looked up to him waiting for his eyes to meet hers.

"Yeah?" He arched his eyebrows and looked at her.

"No matter what happens, I love you." Her voice barely a whisper.

His eyes quickly darted from hers, around the room, to the ceiling, at a picture on the nightstand, then finally back to hers. He tried to tear himself away from her eyes, but couldn't, roughly he bit the inside of his own bottom lip before answering her. "I know." His tone emotionless. And as soon as the words left his mouth he turned and left the pool house closing the door behind him, leaving her there alone on the bed.

It was the first time Marissa had said those words to him since the night they made love, and it wasn't the response she'd hoped for. In fact it was his response that scared the hell out of her.

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"Let's go to the tale of the tape," the announcer said, as everyone gathered in the Cohen's living room to watch Ryan's fight.

"See Tommy what makes this fight uneven is we have young Ryan Atwood who's virtually unknown, I mean this is only the kid's tenth professional fight, and he comes into this fight at a sever disadvantage. He had a bit of a weight problem early in the week and had to drop close to twelve pounds this before the weigh in."

The other announcer chimed in, "Then we also have to mention that sadly Atwood lost his long time friend and trainer Joey DiAntonio just three weeks before the fight. It's a wonder he didn't pull out of the fight."

"On the plus side, I've seen this kid fight before and he's a smart fighter, he's not much of a brawler, only when necessary. He manages to out boxer his opponent, and throw timed power shots more than capable of ending fights."

"Well I hope you're right because with a weight problem and a height disadvantage Atwood's gonna have to box his way through this one. Well the fight's about to start let's go to the ring announcer."

Marissa held her breath as she watched Ryan enter into the ring and go through the motions of beginning a fight, and as the bell rang signal the start of the first round.

Usually fighter's take the first few rounds to feel each other out, throwing jabs and trying to set up shots. Ryan wasn't interested in that. He came out of the gates swinging wildly throwing hard shots. He wasn't boxing, he was fighting. Within the first minute of the round he'd scored a knockdown, but not one based on skill, it was one based on rage.

Marissa watched half the round wide eyed, and the other half with her head buried in Summer's shoulder. This wasn't what she had seen that day in the gym, when she'd first kissed him. There was no grace in his moment; he was fighting like he had nothing to lose. It was in the fifth round that Ryan started to tire from his hardcore style, he punches became slower and less effective, he left himself open for the other fighter to time his shots and make them hurt. His body exhausted from being the quick weight fluctuation was bruising easily. By the end of the sixth round, he was being warned by the referee for excessive clenching and his right eyelid was starting to bleed.

For every punch Ryan took, Marissa winced and squeezed her eyes shut. When a wild punch thrown by Ryan cause a head butt that busted open his eyelid in the ninth, Marissa had enough. "I can't watch this anymore." She left the room and walked out by the Cohen's pool.

Sandy looked to Kirsten, who looked to Seth. Seth shrugged and looked to Summer, only to turn the attention to Jimmy. Jimmy Cooper held his hands up in a lost motion, "What can I do? I mean it's part of the sport."

"I don't think that's it Mr. Coop…" Summer looked past Jimmy's shoulder to Marissa.

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Seven stitches, that's what it took to close up Ryan's eyelid. When it went to the cards after the head butt, he was a unanimous victory, but with a close score. He'd taken the early rounds and had the fight gone the full twelve rounds, chances are he wouldn't have been victorious. He laid down in his hotel bed the night before a winner; his first major fight, a career-making break and he'd proven himself. But he didn't feel like a winner. He'd fought sloppy and dirty, he didn't come into the fight with the right state of mind and it caused him to steer off his trained path. When he looked into his corner there was no familiar face to raise his arm, and when he looked ringside there were no clapping friends, no one there to be proud of him. But how could anyone be proud of him when he wasn't even proud of himself.

Ryan silently walked the path up the Cohen's driveway, it was nearing two am, and he didn't want to wake anyone up. He felt no need to announce his presence only silently enter and try and get a decent sleep. As he entered into the room, he though he saw a form in the bed, thinking it was just pillows he flicked on the light.

"Hey," Marissa wiped her eyes and sat up to greet him.

"Hey," he answered turning his eyes and lifting his hand to his eye trying to shield her from seeing his injury.

"Oh my God," she stood from bed and moved in close to him tracing her finger over the stitches but not touching them. "That's worse than I thought it was."

"It's not that bad." He tried to make light of the gash.

"Oh ok, yeah you've got like nine stitches in your eyelid and it's not that bad."

"Seven," he tried to wince in pain as he answered but the pain was too much for him to even wince. He tossed his bag to the floor and with sore eyes looked at Marissa, "How'd you know I'd be back tonight?"

"Seth told me."

"Why does that not surprise me."

"Well it would have been nice to hear it from you. Ryan you didn't even bother to call while you were in Atlantic City."

"I was really busy, I had to get used to the new trainer, and make weight. It takes time." He moved to the bed and tried to remove his shoes.

"Oh…" A thick silence fell between them. "If you want me to go…"

"Yeah," he laid back onto the bed and tried not to show his pain. "It's probably a better idea that you stay at your place tonight. I just kinda want to go to bed." Before she even had a chance to leave, he'd reached over and clicked the lamp off.

His heart was dropping in his chest, he knew he'd been cold to her, he knew that he was inadvertently breaking his promise to never hurt her. But losing Joey had changed something inside him; he didn't want to have anyone else to lose. And the only person left was Marissa. He knew that what he'd told Seth that night outside had been true. Eventually she'd be gone like everyone else; it was only a matter of time. And wishing that it never happens wasn't going to do him any good. Accepting it felt like his best bet.

Marissa stared at him through the dark, she felt helpless but she knew as well as anyone that you couldn't help someone whom didn't want help. However that didn't mean you couldn't fight them. "Turn the light back on."

"I told you I'm sore I just want to go to bed, I'll call you tomorrow."

"Like you've been calling me for the last three weeks, turn the light back on."

Ryan didn't feel like arguing with her over anything right then, but of all things to argue about the light being off was the easiest thing for him to fix. "There you happy?"

"I know what you've been trying to do and it's not going to work. Not calling, pushing me away, acting like you don't care. You're hurting and you need someone, but you don't want anyone. I've been there Ryan; I lived like that for along time, so this act isn't going to work with me. You want to be a fighter, well you're in for the fight of your life trying to get me." She tried to lock her eyes with his, trying to get an idea of what he was thinking, but it was a lost effort as he darted his eyes around the room.

Inside him his emotions were at war, he knew what he was about to do it, but it wasn't what he wanted to do. Ryan loved Marissa, he loved her so much it scared him but he couldn't take losing someone else and that was all he saw for their future. And this was one situation he could control, if she was going to walk away it was going to be on his terms.

"Marissa just go." He coldly answered her. "There's no point to any of this, so let's just make it easier on both of us and just go."

"Did you not just hear the part of about me not giving up easily?"

"What's the point? We've had a good time, let's just end it before it gets any worse than it already is… I mean it's not like we have a future together, Newport, Chino, prom queen, boxer. I mean where do you see this going… You can't stand it when I fight, I see it in your eyes, and it's the same look I saw that night in the lifeguard house the first night you saw me hurt from fighting. It kills you when I hurt and it a part of the job. And eventually you're going to get tired of it and ask me to stop and I won't stop fighting for anyone."

"What are you fighting for?"

"What… it's my job, you knew that when we…."

"No, what are you fighting for? You've been fighting your whole life, and now you're fighting me, why Ryan? What are you fighting for?"

Ryan sighed and forced his eyes cold; "I'm fighting because you don't get it. Because you won't leave… Because I don't love you." He snatched his eyes away as soon as the words left his mouth.

Marissa stood her ground, she moved closer to the bed and crouched down to his level. "I don't believe that for a second. You can't even look at me right now. And you expect me to believe you mean that? That you didn't just say that in a desperate effort to get me to leave."

"Look it was all forced, contrived…" Ryan licked his lips and stared over her shoulder at the wall. His voice cold, and cocky. "A guy from Chino, you know what kind of trophy it is to fuck a girl from Newport." A sneer crossed his lips; "It took a lot more effort than I thought it would…"

"You can stop, because it's not working." She gave half a laugh, "No man would deal with my mother just to sleep with me. Ryan I love you and I just want to be there."

"I don't want you there." He locked his eyes to hers; they were steel blue and cold as could be.

She could give up on him; her heart wasn't going to let her. But she had been him before, the circumstances were different in her case, but she knew what he was doing. What she was about to do was going to kill her, but she was worn to the point of no other option. "You don't know what you're fighting for, but when you figure it out…" She sighed and forced the tears back. "I'll still be there." Defeated she left the pool house.