Chapter Nineteen

Ryan sighed and ran his hands through his hair as he stared at the locker room wall. His fight wasn't for another two hours, and his trainers wouldn't be in the locker room for at least another hour. It was moments like this he hated, moments of being left alone with his thoughts. He knew that he should be focusing on his fight, working on a game plan, reflecting on what a big moment this was for him. But he couldn't help the fact that he felt empty and alone. Locker rooms were hollow and lonely places, and Ryan could blame his feelings on that if he didn't feel like that every time he was left alone with his thoughts. Another glance at the clock, still just under two hours before fight time, he couldn't help but wonder where the hell Seth was. Seth wouldn't miss something like this and the whole reason Ryan had given him locker room access was so he wouldn't have to spend this time alone in the locker room. With a deep breath he tried to focus his mind on the fight but all it wanted to do was drift.

Too close… He had gotten too close to her a few days ago and being one state away was still too close. All he could think about was her, in these moments alone she was still all he thought about. Things had been easier for him before she came along. Ryan had no problem being alone; he could focus on himself, on doing what he had to do. Enter Marissa Cooper, she took the snow globe of his life and shook it up. She became the small flecks of white swirling around his content existence. She became what rested with him, what created the motion inside him. He sighed and roughly rubbed his eyes, he thought about what she'd asked him, he thought about what she meant to him, he thought about his actions the night she'd left. He made himself sick, the things he'd said, and the way he'd handled everything. But he couldn't say he would change anything. In the end he still saw the same outcome which was still that no matter what could have happened that night, eventually she'd leave him. Ryan threw a hard punch into the air and began shadow boxing, trying to hurt himself. Trying to fight her from his mind, trying to figure out why she felt so close, and fight her back farther. If only he knew.

Marissa took a deep breath as she followed the man down the long hallway. She'd taken this walk before, in Reno. Only at that time she'd been call upon, not an unexpected guest. A stir in the pit of her stomach told her to turn around and leave; it told her not to do this to him or herself. She had no idea what she was going to say or how things were going to play out, if she'd learned anything from Ryan it was to have no expectations. She fought off the stir, her need to see him was stronger, and a part of her was vindictive. He hadn't cared about hurting her with his words the night they'd parted, he just wanted her gone. So right now she didn't care about throwing him off and possibly screwing up his fight. 'Karma can be a bitch,' she laughed to herself.

The guard in front of her held up a finger at her as he knocked on the door, "Atwood you got someone here for you."

Ryan jumped at the man's words; the only person he's invited had been Seth, "Yeah yeah, let him in."

"You heard the man, go on in." The guard told her as he started back down the hallway.

Marissa closed her eyes and took a deep breath, for a split second she was again unsure if this was the right thing to do. She let the held breath out and slowly pushed her way into the locker room with her eyes still closed.

Immediately Ryan's eyes widen, his mouth went dry and his face blank. "Marissa," he spoke half a whisper and half a hiss. He tried to hide the shivers that coursed his body at the sight of her.

"Not who you were expecting?" She tried to joke, her voice meek.

"H-h-how did you…" the words caught in his throat. He watched as she shrugged and gave a faint half smile. Ryan closed his eyes and sighed, he knew, "Seth." He watched as she nodded. "Should have known."

"Don't be mad at him… I think Summer might have forced him."

"That wouldn't surprise me." As he spoke he tried to keep his mouth from sticking together from the dryness.

A silence fell between them, each trying to figure out what to say next. Neither being able to hide the emotions that were building up in their eyes. Ryan clenched his jaw; Marissa folded her arms to herself. Awkwardness between lovers with unfinished business is awkwardness of the worst kind.

"So why are you here?" His voice trying to sound cold, trying to hide the glimmer of promise.

"I needed to know you were okay. I needed to see you for my own sanity. Selfish I know, but I guess old habits die hard."

"Well you've seen me, so I guess you can have a nice life now," he waved at the air. As much as he wanted her back, the outcome for them in his mind was still the same and he couldn't deal with that.

Marissa gave a snorted laugh, "How did I know you would be like this."

"Like what?"

"The same way you were that night in the pool house. It doesn't tell you anything that I'm here? That after damn near a year I'm still waiting for you to figure out why you're fighting so hard, that I'm still waiting for you to come back to me? Damn it Ryan I came here because…"

"Nothing's changed since that Marissa, all we're about to do is have the same fight again."

"You're right, nothing has changed since that night. We both still love each other, and you can deny it all you want you can lie and say some hurtful things I won't believe again. But you still love me, I saw it in your eyes went you saw it was me here and not Seth, you didn't have the chance to prepare yourself and hide it. Nothing has changed from that night Ryan, you're still scared and that's why you fight. I always knew that, I was waiting for you to figure it out, but… I guess you're more stubborn than I thought. You fight because you're scared. You're scared of what you'd be with out it; you're scared of what you were in the past. You fight because you're scared of taking a risk and when you're fighting is the only time you will take a risk. You're scared of loving anyone, scared of loving me because I'm not what you're used too because I'm a risk. Afraid I'm just going to leave you…"

"No I knew that night and I still know that you'd just leave me. It's not a matter of fear I've never been afraid of anything in my life. I may fight a lot of things, but I don't fight the truth. And the truth is that you'd leave like everyone else. You'd find something better. You'd find what you really wanted and you'd leave…"

"When are you going to stop fighting long enough to see that what I want is you."

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"…Ryan Atwood," The announcer called as Ryan made his way to the ring. The crowd stood and cheered. He tried to clear his mind as he threw quick and brutal punches into the air showing he was ready to fight. "Ryan this is your chance man," he managed to make out his trainer's words through the buzz of the crowd. Through the ropes he went and into the ring, he bounced and threw punches, hyping himself and the crowd. His opposition stepped up and towed the line, glared eye to eye with him as the referee went over the rules. Ryan arches his neck from side to side, grinning as it popped. "Now touch gloved and come out fighting," the man finished and sent them back into their corners. Patience was not a virtue Ryan was blessed with; he grew antsy in the seconds between the directions and the bell. He kept his eyes forward not wanting to look into the crowd and see the empty seats that should have held Seth and Summer, but in his case if anyone was there it would be Marissa. Their conversation earlier gave him affirmation that the seats would be empty, and that was a reality he did not want to face.

The bell rang, Ryan tried not to smile and he moved in. Each man throwing a series of jabs feel the other out. The man across from him was a southpaw; a left handed fighter, which man for a different plan of attack. Basically everything had to be reversed, made for a harder fight and more concentration. He knew right off by the way the man faked and bounced that he would have to time his power shots well, and they would be fewer than in his other fights. The fighter was quick throwing and landed several jabs to Ryan's face and body as Ryan worked hard to moved and readjust his plan.

By the time everything was worked out in Ryan's head, the fight was already headed down hill for him, in was well into the fifth round before Ryan even managed to get in a good shot, a left hook that landed right below the rib cage and winded his opponent. But as Ryan was ready the rally the man fought back, catching Ryan with a straight left to the cheek, that knocked him off balance, a hook to the stomach knocking the wind from up. Another shot to the stomach this time an upper cut knocking him back on the ropes. He punches started coming so quick; Ryan was having trouble blocking them, and was taking the brunt of most of the shots. He bounced on and off the ropes trying to move, or clench or punch his way out, but the punches kept coming, and Ryan was starting to feel the fear of defeat. 'You fight because you're scared,' his fear evoked her words to circle through his mind. As they did he took a hard shot to the temple; the same kind of shot that had landed him in the hospital the night he met her. His mind went blank and dizzied. Luckily for him at that moment relief struck as he heard the sound of the bell that ended the round.

The chair was thrown out for him and exhausted he landed in it, greeted by a screaming, and pissed off trainer. "Get your fucking head in this fight Ryan. I don't know where you are but you're not here. And you need to get here…." The trainer continued to scream instructions at him. Ryan gasped and tried to catch his breath. "…You can't just take your risks in the boxing ring, that you have to take them in life too." Summer's words echoed through his mind. He stood up; hurt bruised and bleed from his left cheek. Knowing he needed a knock out to win the fight he feared the defeat that lingered ahead of him. 'At least no one here's to witness this,' he thought to himself as he turned his eyes over to the seats where Seth's tickets had been. His body clearly shivered, as there was only one seat empty, he blinked and held it, thinking it was only his imagination. But when he opened his eyes again, she was still there, this time she was staring back at him, making clear eye contact. Ryan jerked his head away, and bit down on his bottom lips, he felt his eyes narrow. The bell rang and Ryan became a lion.

He waited through the first minute of the round taking shots and letting the man think he still had the best of them. But a slightly off straight left gave Ryan the opening he was looking for. A sharp upper cut to the chin threw the man back into the ropes. Ryan waited for him to bounce off and slammed him with a hook to the jaw, blood spatter from the man's mouth as he head slung to the left. Another shot, this time to the body, followed up by an upper cut to the body. Ryan rallied his punches; the man who stood against him, no longer had a chance. Ryan drew back a left hook to the temple, a straight right to the cheek, a right hook to the eye that cause the man to bust open and bleed. Ryan went to the body, hook, straight right, upper cut, and jab. The flesh was getting softer the punches more powerful, with a split second he stepped back and took a glance to her, his head snapped back as he threw another punch, a solid upper cut to the man's jaw, the final punch of the fight. The man stumbled back into the ropes then hit the canvas, not even attempting to get up before the ten count. He had rallied back and won his place in the boxing world. His trainer jumped into the ring and raised his arm. Ryan shifted his position in the ring so he could make eye contact with Marissa again, only to see her seat empty, and a door leading out of the auditorium closing.

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One thing Ryan had to admit was that the fight had taken everything in him. He was now sore, and tired and trying to make himself comfortable as he sat in the hard plastic seat of Gate 23 in the Las Vegas airport. It was nearing ten p.m. and he had half an hour before his flight back to Tampa, and now that he was the number one contender, he actually had a few months to rest before he needed to start training for his next fight. A part of Ryan was relief at the thought of time to let his body heal. However, the bigger part of him knew that the time resting would be torturous. He sighed and thought that he could probably get Seth to come out and visit for a while, if school was out. Ryan tried to remember when his classes finished. Maybe he'd find out if Arturo was out of jail and fly him out for a visit. As he tried to think of thing he could do with his time and was he could distract himself, Ryan realized he didn't have a whole lot of friends to take up his time. This thought would have made him shrug to himself had he not been in so much pain.

"Hey aren't you Ryan Atwood, the boxer?" A young boy approached and asked him.

Ryan winced in pain and shook his yes, as he tried to shift in his seat. "That's me." He tried to smile for the kid.

"Yeah I thought so, I just wanted to make sure… I went to your fight last night with my dad. You were awesome man. Like went you almost got knocked out and then fought back and knocked him out. That was great you were like totally fearless."

Ryan forced a smile, but the thoughts in his head, did not agree with what the boy had said. Fearless was not even close to what he had felt like in the ring. He cocked his head to the side and head Marissa words ring through his mind again. The fear of losing had been what motivated him to win his fight. He had given himself a to think of it then, but it hadn't been the fear of being defeated, it had been the fear that she would see him get defeated that had pushed him. He felt his body jerk as his mind got flooded with conversations, memories, and revelations. "Thanks, kid." He smiled to the boy and picked up his bag, as he heard the woman make the call for boarding of the flight. He looked to the line of people, pulled his bag over his shoulder and turned away.

"Ummm, hey the gate's this way." The kid pointed out to Ryan.

"I just remember I've got something else to take care of." He started walking back toward ticketing. He glanced down at his watch, 10:30 p.m., his stomach told him he would find what he was looking for, there had to be a flight.

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It took two planes, and a rental car to get him where he needed to be, and by the time he got there it was close three on the morning. As he pulled him rental car to a stop he looked around and saw no cars. It was an odd sight at three in the morning for neither one of them to be home. Not that he wanted to deal with Summer; she always seemed to have less than kind words for him. Ryan rubbed his tired eyes; maybe he should have waited until morning. He was sore to the point where he could barely move, for a moment he paused and thought to himself about his options. There was always the Cohen's, although since Seth had relocated to the pool house, he would actually have to make his presence known. He could get a hotel, but what was the point when he knew the Cohen's would be more comfortable. All of these options could run through his mind all night but the truth was he wanted to be there when she got home, no matter what time it was, and the only option for him was to stay exactly where he was.

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It was a quarter till nine when Marissa turned her car onto her street. Summer and Seth were cuddled together in the backseat, making her feel slightly like their chauffeur, even though she should have felt more like their savior. They had only fallen asleep slightly over an hour before, as they had bickered most of the way home from Tijuana. They had gotten into an argument and Seth had managed to put the car into a ditch due to their fighting, fighting which continued on the way home after Marissa had driven to save them when Summer refused to spend anymore time in Tijuana.

"Hey guys, we're home," she woken them as they approached the driveway.

"Great," Seth rubbed his head; "Oh man do I have a jew-fro right now."

"I think you jew-fro is cute, even if it did get us stranded on the side of the road."

"Hey, hey now it was…"

"Cohen don't start…" Summer hushed him, then pointed to the streets. "Whose car is that?" She raised an eyebrow.

"No clue," Marissa answered as she put her car in park. "Probably someone visiting one of the neighbors."

"Yeah you're probably right," Summer answered not quite sure she believed that herself.

Marissa didn't wait for Summer and Seth as she briskly walked towards the apartment door; she needed to be away from them, they certainly went good travel companions when they were fighting. As she approached the door, she saw a figured curled up in front of it. She skidded to a halt and waited for Seth and Summer to catch up, scared and unsure of who it was in front of her door, or what they wanted.

"What the hell," Summer called out as she saw the person in a hooded sweat shirt, curled up with his head buried in his knees at their door. "Who the hell is that?" She pointed and turned to Marissa who shrugged.

Seth caught up to the girls and didn't even bother to say anything to them. Confused he called out, "Ryan!"

Both Marissa and Summer turned to Seth with looks just as confused as his, but then back to Ryan as he popped up at the sound of his name. "Chino?" Summer called out as he jumped up.

"Yeah…" he bit on his lip and studied Marissa face.

"Ryan," she whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"Well what had happened was… See I missed my flight my flight to Tampa last night, and I could have stayed in Vegas and got a hotel room but then I realized… I hate hotel, the bed are like plywood, and the water pressure always sucks and you can always hear what's going on in the other room and…"

"Ryan!" She called out to him, "You're rambling, you sound like Seth."

"Yeah," he smiled and looked to Seth, then back to Marissa. "He kinda rubs off." Ryan took a thick swallow and a few small steps towards Marissa. "Truth is I missed my flight on purpose…. Because…" He took a deep sigh. "When I gave Seth those tickets, I knew they would end up with you… I wanted to see you, I needed to hear you voice, I just didn't want to admit it to myself… And then when I saw you and…You were right…" He looked Marissa head on with soft eyes, eyes that were almost pleading. "When you said I fought because I was scared, you were right. I didn't know it until last night but my whole life I've been fighting because I was scared. And I fought you because you scared me, because when I'm with you I'm not scared, and that scares me… If that makes any sense at all. You were right Marissa, you knew me better than I knew myself." He was so busy talking and trying to keep his eyes locked with hers that he didn't notice her moving closer. "And I was a jerk and I was stupid and I said a lot of thing I didn't me…" His words kept getting stuck in his throat. "I… I want… I want us again, I'm still scared but I love you, I always did and I never stopped and I'm ready to take that risk… you'll have me tha…"

Marissa's hand reached out and touched his lips, "Ryan, shhh, you're here that's all that matters. You never had to say any of that, I'll always take you back, fighting or not." She bit her lip and smiled; "It's part of loving you."

Ryan smiled and moved in gently kissing her, as Seth and Summer watched on. Summer fought back the tears in her eyes, she never thought that happy was an adjective she'd be able to used in the same sentence with her best friend's name. But now she knew that happy would always be a word she could use to describe Marissa. Seth wrapped an arm around Summer and pulled her in close, "Aww they made up… it's like a cheesy romantic comedy…"

Ryan and Marissa broke apart laughing at Seth's comment Marissa turned to Seth, "Hey you should write that one Seth, rough around the edges boxer, spoiled recovering alcoholic, meet fall in love…" She described it out to Seth.

"Yeah I should do that, I could call it…" He paused.

Ryan looked to Marissa and smiled as a thought crossed his mind. He looked up to Seth and finished his sentence, "Little Victories." He pulled Marissa tight to his side and as their eyes meet they both smiled, happy.

The End