Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis or SG1.

3 Days later

Elizabeth sat quietly, numbly opposite Kate Heightmeyer. Jack hand ordered her to see someone, when she refused Jack requested Kate's help.

Kate agreed but only so someone didn't upset Elizabeth.

Elizabeth looked down at her ring, which she was spinning around her finger.

Kate wrote down how unwilling to talk Elizabeth was.

They'd been sat there in silence for 15 minutes. Kate leant forward and placed her hand on Elizabeth's arm.

"Elizabeth"

Elizabeth sharply looked up at her and Kate could see the tears in her eyes.

"What do you want me to say Kate? John is gone, he left me and he ascended. That's it. Do I hate him…?"

Elizabeth looked down at her ring

"Sometimes yes. I hate him for making me love him and than for leaving me"

Kate nodded and wrote something down.

"You said you saw John the night he died. Do you think he came back to say goodbye?"

Elizabeth shrugged.

"I know I wasn't dreaming he was so warm and…and he was just John. He told me where to find the ring, but he told me not to look for it until the morning"

Tears fell from Elizabeth's eyes and Kate handed her a tissue. Elizabeth thanked her.

"Kate…do you think Jack will let me leave the SGC. I just need to start finding somewhere to live; I can't live in the SGC forever."

Kate nodded

"I'm sure he will"

Elizabeth nodded and stood up.

"I should go ask him"

Before Kate could stop her Elizabeth was out of the room.

2 Days later

Elizabeth watched as a reef of flowers was guided through the event horizon, Elizabeth had been asked to say something but she declined. There was nothing she could say about the men and women who lost their lives. She wasn't there, she didn't know what happened and she didn't want to know. It was still to painful.

Instead Aiden was going to do the speech. He walked up the ramp and to the podium.

He cleared his throat before beginning.

"I searched for ages, trying to find the words to honour the men and women who lost their lives, but I couldn't and I think that proves that they were more special and important than words alone can state.

They sacrificed their lives not only for their country, but for everyone in this world, this galaxy and everyone in the Pegasus galaxy.

I don't think I'm far wrong when I say that they are heroes.

It's up to us left behind to remember and honour them.

And I hope that someday the world will know of their sacrifice and be able to thank them for it."

Elizabeth was fighting hard to keep back the tears when Aiden finished his speech, Aiden walked off the ramp, walked over to her and grabbed her hand as a sign of support. Elizabeth squeezed his hand in thanks. Inside she was breaking.

A month later

Elizabeth sat down on her couch in her new apartment. She laid her legs on the couch and picked up the file, which had been laying on her coffee table for the last hour.

She hesitated before opening it. As she opened it, she was met with a picture of John Sheppard. She slid her fingers down the outline of his face and sighed.

She missed him so much.

"I know you're there John. I know ascended beings can look over people, even if they're not meant to. Just tell me you haven't deserted me"

Elizabeth placed the file next to her on the couch and stood up. She looked up at the ceiling.

"John?"

When no response came, she sighed and walked over to her balcony, which overlooked some beautiful rolling hills. She leant against the railing and dropped her head into one of her hands, closing her eyes.

"You know, I always figured we'd get a place like this"

Elizabeth's eyes snapped open and she lifted her head out of her hand turning quickly to the direction of the voice.

"John?"

The Colonel smirked at her and looked out across the hills. Elizabeth noted how he seemed to glow. He was dressed fully in while but his dishevelled hair was still the same.

Elizabeth continued to stare at him. Quite shocked he was actually there.

"Your actually here. I thought Ancients weren't allowed to interfere."

John tilted his head to one side slightly and gave her a small smile.

"You're right, we're not supposed to interfere. But if I accidentally say something…"

Elizabeth nodded and turned away from him before asking a question she really needed the answer to.

"Why did you leave me John?"

John closed his eyes and sighed. Seeing her full of hurt was killing him.

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it was my time Lizzie, it was just my time."

Elizabeth shook her head

"No it wasn't. We had our whole lives ahead of us…"

John watched as she looked down at the engagement ring, which still sat on her finger.

"…we were going to get married, despite the non vocal proposal. Without you…I don't know if I can do it. I've changed so much. I need you. I've got nothing of you left."

John smirked knowingly.

"You do have something of me left Elizabeth"

Elizabeth looked up at him, confusion clearly present on her face.

"What?"

John continued to smirk.

"You'll find out soon enough. Now close your eyes"

Elizabeth glared at him before doing as she was asked. She stayed like that for a few moments before she heard someone calling her name.

"Elizabeth"

Elizabeth opened her eyes and looked to where John had been standing. It was now empty.

Rodney walked onto the balcony and placed his hand on Elizabeth's arm.

"Elizabeth, it's raining. What are you doing out here, you're soaking"

For the first time Elizabeth realised her whole body was cold and wet.

"Come back inside"

Elizabeth nodded and left the balcony.

A month later

Elizabeth bolted into one of the bathrooms at the SGC, quickly followed by Teyla.

Teyla watched in sympathy as Elizabeth leant over the bowl and began to vomit.

"Elizabeth, you should go see Dr Beckett."

Elizabeth shook her head and stood up unsteadily; she walked over to the washbasin and rinsed her mouth with water.

"I'm fine Teyla"

Just as she said that, another wave of sickness took Elizabeth over and she bolted back to the toilet.

Teyla smirked and added, quite cheekily.

"Of course Elizabeth. You are fine"

Elizabeth looked round and glared at her.

Elizabeth sat in the infirmary on one of the beds waiting for Dr Beckett to come back with her test results.

In his office Carson was double checking the results, twice.

He looked out of his office window at Elizabeth before looking back at the results.

"Oh crap"

He knew Elizabeth didn't need what life was about to bestow on her, but she had no option but to accept it, and he had no choice but to tell her.

He left his office and walked over to Elizabeth. The infirmary was relatively quiet with just a few patients on the other side of the room. He reached Elizabeth and sat next to her.

"Elizabeth, I have your test results back. Elizabeth this isn't going to be easy, so I'll just say it. Elizabeth you're just over two months pregnant."

:Flashback:

Elizabeth ran her hand down John's cheek and kissed him. Tomorrow he was going back to Atlantis without any guarantees that he would return. John could already see the tears in Elizabeth's eyes. He cupped her cheek gently and placed his lips to hers so gently.

Elizabeth turned her head slightly and kissed the palm of his hand.

John placed his hands on her waist and looked at her deeply.

"I'm coming back Elizabeth. I promise"

Elizabeth nodded slowly and John pulled her into him. He wrapped his strong arms around her and held her, taking in the scent of subtle vanilla in her hair. Elizabeth's hands clutched at his shirt, it was like if she let go he'd disappear for good.

John slid down the bed and laid down pulling Elizabeth with him so she was laying slightly on top of him. He ran his fingers down her back and back up again.

There was so many things he wanted to say to her, wanted to tell her. The most clichéd thing to say would be that he loved her. Even though that was true, tomorrow he was off on a mission with a small chance of success, saying those three little words was something neither one of them needed.

Instead he settled for feeling her snuggle into his side while she ran her fingers through his hair.

John placed a kiss on her cheek before rolling her onto her back and laying on top of her, kissing her senseless. She ran her fingers through his hair and pushed him deeper into the kiss.

John's lips left her lips and began to trail down her neck, leaving a trail of warm wetness down her skin.

Elizabeth moaned as he kissed the hollow of her neck while unbuttoning her shirt.

He slipped her shirt easily off her shoulders and placed his mouth on her right breast.

Elizabeth continued to moan at his touch and clawed at his shirt, which she eventually removed.

John moved back up to her lips and kissed her before moving to her ear.

"I want you so much"

Elizabeth whispered into his ear.

"I want you too"

Perhaps saying 'I want you' was easier than saying 'I love you', but they meant both.

:End of Flashback:

Carson looked at Elizabeth worryingly as she spaced out.

"Elizabeth?"

He got no response; she continued to sit there, thinking about that night, the night before he left her, Elizabeth placed her hand on her abdomen, the night before he left their child.

Elizabeth stood up quickly and walked out of the infirmary before Carson could stop her.

Elizabeth sat on her couch, looking at the bottle of Scotch, which was sat on the table.

She doesn't think she's been sober since John died. Another bottle couldn't hurt.

She didn't want this child, at least that's what she told herself, the truth was, she wanted John and seeing the child everyday would only remind her of that.

She leant across to the table, picked up the bottle and a glass and proceeded to pour a drink for herself. She brought it to her lips and just as she was about to pour the cool liquid into her mouth a voice came from behind her.

"Come on, don't do this"

Elizabeth didn't bother to look behind her, she knew who it was. She sipped at the Scotch, instantly feeling sick. She placed the Scotch and the glass back onto the table. She left her seat and went into the kitchen. When she got there she was met by a slightly angry John Sheppard, his arms folded across his chest.

"Did that make you feel better? Endangering the baby, like you've been doing these past two months."

Elizabeth ignored him and opened a cupboard door taking out a box of crackers before walking back into the living room. John followed her.

"Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth turned to face him.

"You're not really here. You're just in my mind"

Elizabeth walked to the couch and sat down taking a cracker from the box, she started to eat it, wincing at the horrible taste of it.

"Upset stomach?"

"Morning sickness. More like morning, noon and night sickness"

John came and stood in front of her.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?"

Elizabeth looked up at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I didn't think it was obvious"

She was very snippy but John knew it was just the hormones, and the fact that she was pissed at him.

John sat down next to her.

"I know you want this child Elizabeth. It's obvious"

Elizabeth looked away from him and continued munching on the crackers.

"Elizabeth, a part of me is still with you in this child. One day I will not be able to see you anymore and that day will come soon"

Elizabeth looked at him sharply

"What do you mean?"

John stood up and sighed.

"Elizabeth, I am permitted to see you only during the duration of your pregnancy, after that I will only be able to watch over the two of you. No interactions"

Elizabeth stood up facing him

"Why?"

John shook his head and sighed

"All I can tell you is that this child is so important. If you choose not to have the child, I will disappear straightaway."

Elizabeth walked over to the balcony.

"You mean if I have an abortion, you're gone"

John nodded

"John, how can you even think I would get rid of this child?"

John tilted his head

"You haven't seemed very happy about finding out your pregnant"

Elizabeth shrugged and leant against the railing.

"It's a shock John. I will have to raise the baby all by myself…" she lightly placed her hand on her abdomen "…you'll never know your child and he'll never know you"

John looked down at his feet and closed his eyes

"I know"

John looked up and saw the tears falling from her eyes. John longed to wrap his arms around her, to hold her and tell her everything was going to be fine.

"You'll be fine. If anyone can do this, it's you"

TBC…