"Winter" is © the great goddess Tori Amos. It can be found on the albums "Little Earthquakes" and "Tales of a Librarian" as well as the "Winter" single and numerous other singles as a B-side. It is my all time favorite Tori song and is absolutely beautiful. If you hadn't heard it, I fully suggest either downloading it, stealing it from a friend, or buying one of the albums mentioned above. Ok, usual disclaimers apply. Chars and settings © J.K. Rowling save ones you don't know. Slash content, problem? Don't read. Ok, I guess that's it… thank you for flying church of England. (don't ask)
Winter
It's hard for me to say just when I began to lose my grip. Looking back, as I sit here, I wonder just where my life started to go wrong. It did go wrong… Very wrong. This is not where I planned to be. This is not who I want to be… Jealous….
Alone…..
Snow can wait,
I forgot my mittens.
Wipe my nose,
Get my new boots on.
I get a little warm in my heart,
When I think of winter.
I put my hand in my father's glove…
It's snowing outside. I smile in spite of myself seeing the small crystals fall to the waiting earth. Memories flood my head. Memories of happier times. Snowball fights with my brothers (Ginny wasn't born yet), Dad walking with me. He always held my hand so tightly, to keep me close. To keep me safe. To keep me from falling.
I'm falling now, Dad, but I don't think you'll be able to catch me this time.
I run off where the drifts get deeper.
Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown.
I hear a voice,
"You must learn to stand up for yourself,
Cause I can't always be around…."
He says…
Lately, with Hermione busy with her studies and Harry off somewhere with Cho, there doesn't seem to be ANYONE here to catch me as I fall farther down this spiral. I know they can't always be here, but it would be nice if they were here at least some of the time. I'm alone… More alone than I have ever been. And it's beginning to scare me.
When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
Cause things are gonna change so fast.
All the white horses are still in bed.
I tell you that I'll always want you near.
You say that things change,
My dear…
I remember a time when the three of us were inseparable. We did almost everything together. Now we've never got time for each other anymore. Which is all fine and good for them. I mean, Hermione's in love with school, so not seeing her friends isn't really a big deal to her, and Harry has Cho, which seems to make the rest of the world melt away. Who do I have? No one… and as if that wasn't enough pain, I still have to see the two of them together everywhere I look. When you feel unwanted and alone, the feeling is only worsened by seeing the one you love blissfully happy with someone else. Why is it that I've been here all this time, right in front of him, but she's the one he chooses? I don't understand…
Boys get discovered as winter melts,
Flowers competing for the sun.
Years go by and I'm here still waiting,
Withering,
Where some snow man was…
I try and tell myself that everything will work out in the end, but, for the first time ever, I can't see any happy ending ahead for me. It's getting to the point where I don't even know who I am. Am I really the spiteful, jealous person I see when I look in the mirror? I don't know anymore. I wish M\my prince charming would come and take me away from this, but I know, for some reason, that he isn't ever going to come. I wish my dad was here now to hold my hand….
Mirror, Mirror,
Where's the crystal palace?
But I only can see myself,
Skating around the truth who I am…
But I know, Dad,
The ice is getting Thin….
I was always told to be myself, because if a person couldn't love me for who I was, than they didn't deserve me. How can I be myself when I don't even know who the hell that is. And, besides, what has being myself gotten me this far? Nothing but a lot of confusion and a shit load of pain. There were so many times where I would catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, and I would almost swear that there was something at least akin to love dwelling behind those Emerald eyes. Perhaps he's just confused about who he is, like I am? Maybe he just has to make up his mind on what he truly wants. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.
When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
Cause things are gonna change so fast.
All the white horses are still in bed.
I tell you that I'll always want you near.
You say that things change,
My dear…
Some times I tell myself that if I just wait, he'll realize that he really does love me. That I'm the one he wants and not that bitch. I've been waiting seven years for him to even notice my feelings for him, and he seems just as blind as ever. If I keep waiting, I'm going to end up gray haired and alone, crying out my shoulda coulda woulda's into the night with no one to hear me scream. They say that love is worth waiting for, but is it really worth setting aside your dreams, your hopes, and you desires, waiting for something that may never come?
Hair is Grey and the fires are burning.
So many dreams on the shelf.
You say I wanted you to be proud of me.
I always wanted that myself….
I suppose I should stop waiting and try to focus on other things, but I don't see how I will be able to do that when he's everywhere. In my classes, in the Great Hall at meals, in the bed next to me.. Well, in the bed next to me when he doesn't sneak off at night to be with her. I feel like the straggler in a stampede, being left behind by the rest for the wolves to get. Right now, even a wolf would be better than being here in this hellish prison alone. I just wish he'd remember my existence, and maybe tell me that he cares, or that he's there for me. I wish he'd tell me that he loves me, and that he always has. I guess I must be wishing on the wrong star.
When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
Cause things are gonna change so fast.
All the white horses have gone ahead.
I tell you that I'll always want you near.
You say that things change,
My dear…
Always Waiting,
Ron Weasley
Never Change.