"Bother" is © Corey Taylor and is performed by his band Stone Sour and can be found both on their debut album and on the soundtrack of the movie Spider-Man. The usual disclaimers apply, if you've read this far, I don't have to go into all of it again. :oP All Characters are © J.K. Rowling. And now, on with the show!
Bother
Why isn't anybody there anymore? Where have all of my friends gone? Why has everyone forsaken me the way they have? If anything, you would think that at least on would be there when I need them, but now it seems that no one gives a shit about me anymore. Maybe these feelings of being alone aren't really in my head after all, maybe everyone really doesn't want me around. As I sit here on my ledge outside the tower, The darkness inside me that has been growing for so long, it's beginning to devour me whole. My tears just keep falling, and I wish they'd stop. I wish I could just become numb. I don't want to feel anymore.
I wish I was,
Too dead to cry.
My self affliction fades.
Stones to throw at my creator,
The masochist to which I cater…
I actually asked Harry if we could talk. I don't know what I was going to say to him, but I just needed to know if he was still there or not. He told me he was late meeting up with Cho and that if he was late for another date she'd kill him. He asked if we could talk later. I just nodded my head. It used to be that he could tell when something was bothering me, when I needed to get something off of my chest, and he would always talk to me and make sure I was alright. Through his actions tonight, he showed me where his priorities lie. He showed me just how much he cared about me. "I have to go get laid, Can we talk later?" Yeah, best friends forever, huh? What a bunch of bull.
Hermione was the same way. When I asked her to talk, she said she was busy with her advanced Transfiguration homework and that it would have to wait. She did however ask me if everything was alright. I told her I was fine and that I just needed some help on my Potions essay. Seamus was off somewhere with Neville, so I just went up to my room. The tears shed didn't help me feel any better, so I talked to God. Somehow, I feel like even He's not listening anymore. Or worse, laughing at the hardships I'm going through, knowing that I'll be joining him soon.
You don't need to bother.
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
I won't let go till it bleeds….
I feel like I'm slipping away, and no matter what I try, I can't seem to catch myself. I'm losing who I was, who I am, who I was meant to be. Is this really what was meant for me in life? To slip down an endless downward spiral into the blackness that lay beyond? No one there to catch me anymore, not even myself. Is anything really real? Or has everything just been a dream? Every word a lie? What do I need to do to make it go away? To stop caring?
I wish I was,
Too dead to care,
If indeed I cared at all.
Never had a voice to protest,
So you fed me shit to digest…
It feels as if the world is laughing at me. I wonder if my parents knew that my life would be like this when I was born. As I walked through the halls after Double potions, the comments and insults of the Slytherins rang in my ears, led on by Draco Malfoy. I gave up trying to fight with them. The more I fight with them, the more they go on with it, pointing out every difference and flaw I have. I just don't have a reason to fight anymore. I know for a fact that if I listened to the feelings in my heart, or what's left of it, right now, they would be a hell of a lot happier… they certainly wouldn't miss me.
I wish I had a reason.
My flaws are open season.
For this I gave up trying,
One good turn deserves my dying….
I'm so sick of all of this. False friends, painful tears. This is what my life has become. As I sit here, I look to the clouds and ask the angels there if it's all been worth it. Seeing me dying slowly, eaten up by this pain that's slowly stealing my sanity. I ask them if there'll ever be anyone to catch me, if I'll ever catch myself before I hit the bottom. I imagine my hand grasping my own, holding on for dear life. I don't want to die like this, I don't want to die alone. My fingers are slipping. The bottom isn't too far away, is it?
You don't need to bother.
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
I'll never let go till it bleeds…
Why couldn't I have been born someone else? Someone like Harry, who has gotten everything he has ever wanted. Well, I know he'll never have his parents back, but everything else. Someone who loves him, someone to love, plenty of money in the bank, an adoring public, and the favor of almost every teacher in the school. Why can't I be that golden? Why was I even born? Why couldn't I have been stillborn, or better yet, not even conceived. I know people say life is unfair, but this goes beyond unfair. This is a fate no one deserves, not even Malfoy. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
Wish I'd died,
Instead of lived.
A zombie hides my face.
Shelf forgotten with it's memories…
Diaries left,
With Cryptic entries…
The rest of the day, I walked around the school wearing a mask. A blank mask, showing no emotion. If no one wants to share my pain, why let anyone see it? I laughed at jokes at dinner, wore a false smile as I sat there with the rest of the Gryffindors. Even Harry smiled at me. It was nice to have his attention again, if only for a few fleeting moments before he looked back over to Cho's table. For a few fleeting moments, I was numb. A walking corpse wearing a zombie's mask. It was comforting to feel dead, if only for a little while.
You don't need to bother.
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on,
I'll never let go till it bleeds.
I can only hope, that when all is said and done, and somebody finds this journal that it will help someone else. Let them know, if they feel this way, that they're not the only one. Maybe things will get better for me, but I doubt they will. The mask of emotionlessness lasted all the way up till we went to bed tonight. No one saw through it. I wonder if they'll even remember me when I am gone…. And wonder why I acted like there was nothing wrong.
You don't need to bother.
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther,
But once I hold on…..
Slowly Fading,
Ron Weasley
I'll never live down my deceit.