/In Pain's Wake/

- lawless priest -

03 - a tortured mind

It had been nearly a whole day since I had spoken to anyone, two days since I had meet Kaoru on the beach, and three since I had found her, three faithful days. I never had much to do with faith. Fate, it seemed, had deemed me unworthy of a normal life, and had since blessed me with this tortured hell of existence that I called my own, and with the recent events I had further loss faith in any type of divine superiority, as far as I was concerned they didn't deserve any praise anyway. Fate could burn, I myself was irrelevant, but Rei and Asuka, they were another matter.

Asuka had woken up this morning and I had been by her side. I was afraid to be sure. Courage was not something I had in spades. Fear had that title, but sitting there with her, watching her breathe had been so... so calming. The effect never lasted because I would always remember why she was there. It had been three days and still no one had told me what had happened.

The sight of her beautiful face behind all of those cuts and bruises had brought me down further than I had dreamt possible. Never had I felt so helpless and alone. Not after the fifteenth, nor the sixtieth angels that I had been so sure had taken Rei away, which now, I'm not so sure still hadn't.

But there she had been, the Great Asuka Langley Sohryu, in need of help, lying right in front of me, her body unmoving with silent tears and there wasn't anything I could do to easy her pain. I would have cried, but all I could do was shiver. Seems I wasn't even good enough for tears.

Just when I was about to leave, my hand on the door knob, taking one last quick look, ready to depart to my supposed sanctuary, her weary eyes opened, dead to the world and looked directly at me. The pain evident within them, the mental torture locked within that gaze broke my heart the instant I saw it and her haggard breath and words stomped on the shattered pieces that had been left behind.

"I feel... so cold, so empty."

/IPW/

She had not spoken another word and I had been too afraid to say anything. So of course I did what I usually do, I ran. All the way home I ran. Through early morning traffic and business men alike, I ran. Not caring, not seeing, blinded by pure shame and fear burning in my mind, all the way home.

And look, oh what irony, making it home, locking myself within my sanctuary, earphones on, SDAT in hand and my batteries were dead.

Life... was great.

It was strange really. Two days ago when I talked with Kaoru it was amazing how good I had felt for those few brief moments. All of the past worriers were far, far away and in his presence I could just be me. I don't remember how it happened, but one minute we were talking about music and the next I was telling him my life story, bumps, hills, mountains and all. And he had listened, really listened, seeming the actually care.

That moment had lasted for quite some time before the cruelty of the situation at hand had brought it all down crashing around my head again.

/IPW/

Sitting alone, curled in my room. I couldn't help but contemplate how uselessness and how weak and scared I really was. It was sickening. The facts had been thrown in my face every singly day that I had been here. If only I wasn't such a coward then maybe I could help her, but even then, what could I do?

Nothing. That was the answer.

Just then, I heard the door open, and Misato came in. I didn't know why she was home. It was way to early for work to be over, but it wasn't like I had kept track of the time myself anyway. I could hear voices.

Was that Kaji? It didn't matter, really. It wasn't like it could have been Asuka, so I didn't care. I tried to block them out, but something they said caught my attention.

"The test results came in today." Kaji said, his voice sounded tired, his tone nearly emotionless.

"So, what do they say?" Misato's was just as tired. I could almost see her face, etched in worried, her eyes red with tears and frustration.

There was a slight pause and a clearly audible sigh.

"Apparently she was raped," He said. "multiply times it seems and beaten. The doctors found at least five different semen samples and..."

I didn't hear the rest, I didn't want to hear anymore. I wished I could stop up my ears forever, but it was too late. The words had already wormed their way in and now the scenes themselves were flashing through my head in vivid detail.

I could see her lying there, screaming and crying, men all around her with sinister looks on their faces. The lust in their eyes was obvious. Some drooled and laughed. They knew what they wanted and didn't care how they got it or who the hurt to get it.

And there I stood, standing on the sideline, watching, doing nothing, just standing there, as helpless as I was in the real world. Through it all she had her eyes on me, staring through me, accusing me.

Someone was pulling her hair, the others ripping her close off.

"Why don't you help Shinji... why don't you save me like you always do?"

"Because I'm weak, because... I can't."

They had her skirt down and blouse open, their hands over her breasts.

"You were never there for me, you never cared... you left me just like all the others!"

"I'm sorry, I was scared. I didn't know what to do."

One of them was ramming himself in her, panting as she spoke.

"You just wanted to make me fell useless, just like these men, just like them!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt."

Another guy was rutting over her now, they were laughing, having a good time.

'"You're no different than Nerv, you wanted to use me for your own perverted schemes!"

"I'm sorry."

"You're no different than the angels, you don't care at all! You the Invincible Shinji Ikari, you never did! You just wanted to show me up!"

"I'm sorry."

I wasn't true, but I couldn't tell her that. I wanted to run but I couldn't turn away. I was useless, spineless and useless and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing I could do to help her.

/IPW/

I lay on my floor in my room curled in a ball with my head down sobbing and crying like the child Asuka had always called me; guess she was right. She had always been right. It didn't matter. I could still see those thoughts as they cleaved a path through my mind. I knew they weren't real, that they never happened, but that was how I felt. I had done nothing to help her. It didn't matter that I wasn't there, that I couldn't have helped either way. It was just like Toji and the 13th angel.

It was my fault she was hurt.

It was my fault Toji was in the hospital missing an arm and a leg.

It was my fault.

It was all my fault.

I wanted to rip my eyes out, do anything, just to get rid of those thoughts, those images. I wanted to get away, I had to get away, but there was nowhere to go. They hurt her and there's nothing I could do. So like before... I did nothing.

I could still hear Misato and Kaji talking. Their voices made there way through the walls and through my hated ears and tortured mind.

"...id you find out who did this? Have you found them Kaji?" hear voice was think with anger.

"No, not yet. I've got Section 2 on it." Her blatant frustration was could be felt through the thin walls. "Do worry Katsuragi, it shouldn't be long before we find justice."

Justice.

There was that word again. I had sworn justice the day I found Asuka, but ever since then I've been hard pressed to see any in anything that has happened since I came to Tokyo 3.

Justice.

It had to be a joke. Yeah, another cruel, sick joke being played upon the world, or more specifically, my life and the lives of those around me. I knew I couldn't find justice. I wasn't strong enough. Not even Kaji was strong enough. There wasn't anyone in this damn city that was strong enough. You'd have to be as powerful as... as...?

"... as Father."